Asshole You Went to School With Wants to Know If You'd Like Extra Lettuce with That

INDIANAPOLIS - Despite spending most of his teen years being an insufferable prick to you and your friends, an asshole you went to school with would now be interested to know if you'd like extra lettuce with that.

Serving you at Jimmy John's Tuesday, the 27-year-old, who routinely used to spit in your hair during 8th grade biology, stated enthusiastically this afternoon that he would be happy to get you some more napkins.

"How's that Slim 2 working out for you?," inquired the part-time server,

Local Grandma Thinks Rest of Family Should Know That Janice from 3 Doors Down Undergoing Bowel Operation

INDIANAPOLIS - Systematically phoning every adult member of her immediate family Monday, 91-year-old local grandma Eileen Calderwood thought that everyone should know that Janice from three doors down is going in for her bowel operation this Friday.

Insisting that her neighbor, with whom Calderwood's family are only vaguely familiar, has appeared "very pale recently," Calderwood openly

Piece of Folded Card Irreversibly Strengthens Bond Between Wife, Husband

INDIANAPOLIS - Sources reported Thursday that a single piece of folded card - the same paper stock used to package cereal and Lean Cuisine frozen meals -irreversibly strengthened the loving bond between local woman Nancy Hargis and her husband Matthew.

Boyfriend Somehow Given Final Say Over Which of These 2 Dresses Goes Best with The White Heels

INDIANAPOLIS - Despite possessing virtually no discernible fashion sense or understanding of basic color-coordination, local boyfriend Joseph Clapham was somehow given final say Thursday over which of these two dresses goes best with the white heels.

Copycat Killer Incapable Of Coming Up With Exciting Murder Scenarios of His Own

INDIANAPOLIS - Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is "just incapable" of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own.

Paulsen's modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of Jake Howlett, who killed and buried three women in Indianapolis in 2007, before being sentenced to life

Word 'Belated' Now Only Used In Birthday Messages

BLOOMINGTON - It was revealed Monday by linguistic professors at Indiana University that the word "belated" - an adjective whose origins can been traced back to the year 1610 - is now only used in birthday messages.

The word, which is typically applied in phrases such as "happy belated birthday", is estimated to

That One Friend Bores You with All The Details Regardless

INDIANAPOLIS - Describing a mildly amusing incident that occurred during a recent visit to the mall Monday, that one friend of yours who is perfectly nice but won't ever shut up, proceeded to bore you with all of the details nonetheless.

Though your friend stated in seemingly clear terms that you would be spared the finer points of the incident, the socially-maladjusted individual nonetheless

Male Facebook User Skips Past All of Attractive Woman's Cat Pictures

INDIANAPOLIS - Drawn to an alluring profile picture of an attractive work acquaintance named Danielle, Indianapolis man Mark Vasey subconsciously skipped past all of the 24-year-old's cat pictures Saturday.

Initially clicking on her latest profile picture, which shows the young marketing consultant lounging by a swimming pool in nothing but a

Children's Museum Launches Terrifying 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' Exhibit

INDIANAPOLIS - Ahead of its busy Halloween season this month, The Children's Museum of Indianapolis today piloted a terrifying exhibit in which children were subjected to re-enacted scenes from the movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Offering families a special $5 discount, museum officials said they hoped to put on "an extravaganza that kids could remember for years

Richard Mourdock's Senate Campaign in Disarray As God Comes Out as Pro Choice

INDIANAPOLIS - The senate campaign of Indiana's leading Republican candidate, Richard Mourdock, is reportedly in disarray Tuesday after the Almighty Father in Heaven identified himself as pro-choice. 

God's stance on the issue of abortion comes as a particular blow to Mr. Mourdock, who insisted during Tuesday's senatorial debate that "rape pregnancies are God's will".

Cat Subconsciously Putting Own Sensibilities Onto Humans

INDIANAPOLIS -  Having carried out little research into the species in question, 2-year-old Indianapolis cat, Mickey, continues to subconsciously put his own sensibilities onto humans - specifically his 29-year-old owner Matt.

Incorrectly determining that his overlord probably enjoys the sight of an expensive photo frame or delicate candle holder falling from

Student Cramming in Some Last Minute Procrastination

MUNCIE, IN - Ahead of his first midterm exam Monday, Ball State University English major, Ross O'Keefe, was hard at work Sunday cramming in some much-needed and last minute procrastination.

Equipping himself with the tools required to compose a detailed essay on literary criticism, with particular reference to the works of

Local Dad Nominates Self to Be The Designated Drinker

INDIANAPOLIS - Embarking on a family outing to Red Lobster Saturday, local dad Thomas Gregory  opted to nominate himself as the family's designated drinker, insisting that "it was the right thing to do." Even though his wife Pam and two children, Jake and Gretchen, enjoyed a truly momentous and alcohol-free afternoon together, the 39-year-old appeared to nonetheless

'I've Worked Long and Hard to get Where I am Today', Lies Attractive Business Woman

INDIANAPOLIS - Stunning local business woman Elizabeth Snowden today insisted that her successful career and blossoming lifestyle were the result of hard work and dogged persistence: a lie she has maintained now for over four years.

Snowden, who is current vice president of Mulgrove-Snowden Insurance Ltd, incorrectly stated that ever since she first entered the company's doors dressed in a tight fitting

Indiana Man Not Going to Get Stuck Behind Another Freaking Train

ANDERSON - According to sources from inside a blue 2007 Dodge Nitro Friday, Indiana man Carl Dullwich is reportedly not going to get stuck behind another God damn freaking train, you hear? No way, mister. That kind of shit - he hopes you know - ain't gonna happen to Carl "the Dukester" Dullwich twice in a week. As a matter of fact, Dullwich is about ready to take a right on Claymore Avenue and hightail it across

Struggling Writer Hammers Out Lengthy First Overdraft

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INDIANAPOLIS - Having failed to produce any meaningful material in over six months, struggling Indianapolis writer Ben Sizemore was at least able to spend most of Wednesday afternoon hammering out a substantially lengthy first overdraft. Using his debit card to purchase a number of DVDs and to enjoy a meal-for-one at Applebee's, the unemployed former Ball State Creative Writing major insists that he knocked out a staggering $72.79 in just under two hours. "Sometimes, when I'm feeling really motivated, I can just rattle my way through each $10-bill without even thinking about it," said the 24-year-old. "I guess often just come naturally to me."

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Local Man Can't Believe It Already October

INDIANAPOLIS - Local man Brent Deakins today expressed disbelief at the fact that October - a month he has experienced 26 times before - has come around again already.

Deakins - a stock broker from Indianapolis - sat down to work Monday, and was initially taken aback by the date on his computer monitor.

That One Empty Building Suddenly a Halloween Store

INDIANAPOLIS - According to various sources Monday, that one totally empty building downtown - you know, that one right next-door to Great Clips - suddenly became a Halloween store over the weekend. Previously consisting of little more than a dusty interior and two mysterious paint cans, the building, which routinely spends the year utterly unoccupied, was today decked out in a shiny new orange-black color-scheme, with "Halloween City" spelled out across its facade. Though details are few at press time, it is believed that the shop will transition into a red and white Christmas outlet later next month before it is forgotten about for another 10 months.   

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Bunch of Big Ass Wind Turbines Appear The Heck Out of Nowhere

BENTON COUNTY, IN - A bunch of really big ass wind turbines appeared the heck out of nowhere Friday, as Charlene and Andrew Mayfield headed north along U.S. 52 bound for Chicago. 

The couple had apparently been driving along for almost two hours when, holy shit

Local Parents Think Utterly Unremarkable Thespian Daughter Did Really Great Up There

INDIANAPOLIS - Parents of local thespian Stacey Mannering, 14, told the utterly unremarkable drama enthusiast Friday that she did really great up there throughout a barely noticeable performance as Citizen #2 in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Though she was only seen vaguely in the background in just one or two scenes and added very little to the unfolding action on stage, Stacey was greeted with a rose and an approving hug from Marsha and Derek Mannering, following a 3-hour show in which she featured for a mere 7 minutes. "Honey, you did awesome out there tonight," said Mrs Mannering, alongside her beaming husband. "That was just... wow."

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Channel 13 News Hopes You Stay Safe, Unless Doing So Would Compromise Ratings

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INDIANAPOLIS - Concluding his broadcast on the latest inner-city shooting Monday, Channel 13 Eyewitness News anchor John Stehr advised Indiana to stay safe, but only in the event that doing so would not compromise the station's ratings.

Pensively looking into the camera, the former CBS News correspondent said that Channel 13's "number one priority is making sure people are

Angsty Northern Indiana 'Wishes It Could Be As Pretty As The South'

FORT WAYNE, IN - In an apparent emotional outburst Saturday, the angsty northern half of Indiana lamented that it "was no way near as pretty as The South."

Assessing its many unsightly industrial towns, The North admitted it was jealous of places such as French Lick and West Baden Springs, insisting that it would "never in a million years be able to look as opulent and grand."

"Southern Indiana is just so pretty at this time of year," said the insecure 196-year-old, looking enviously at pastoral images of Brown County. "I'll never be able to have miles and miles of beautiful orange-brown leaves and winding hills. Instead, I'm stuck with Gary."

Though the surrounding states of Illinois and Michigan have routinely encouraged it to see that "true beauty comes from the inside", The North has hinted that it might as well just not show its face during the winter months, arguing that "all of that stupid snow makes me looks freaking terrible."

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to The North, Southern Indiana cried itself to sleep Friday, wishing it was good enough to command breathless views of Lake Michigan.

Student Laying His Own Way Through College

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INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Determined to live out his four-year degree course at Butler University with as little outside help as possible, Business Finance major Ryan Dabrowski says he is prepared to lay his own way through college.

The 19-year-old native of Terre Haute says he has already "made second base with five different chicks" and has put three dance majors aside in the event of an emergency.

"It's really important for me to be self reliant," said Dabrowski this morning. "That is why I aim to invest in some of the hottest and wildest chicks across campus over the next four years."    

The college freshman, who enrolled in Butler's Business Program earlier this year, insists that, if need be, he will take on the occasional blow job after classes, and is strongly considering taking out multiple interest-free girls during his first semester.

Pathetic, Dilapidated Barn Still Most Exciting Thing to See For Over 100 Miles

SEYMOUR, IN - Though it has mostly deteriorated following decades of adverse weather conditions, poor upkeep and termite infestation, a pathetic and dilapidated barn remains the single most exciting thing for about a hundred miles.

Constructed in the 1920s, the barn, located in Seymour, Indiana, represents the single most fascinating sight between the cities of Louisville and Indianapolis, generally comprising a fleeting 40 seconds of journey time.

"I thought there was going to be no end to all the trees and cornfields," said motorist Beth Marshall. "When I saw that one shitty little barn I did think for a minute about how it might have ended up in such a state of disrepair. I pondered briefly who used to own it and what was kept in it. And then I saw the sign for Indianapolis, and all of those thoughts went away for the next 48 miles."

Meanwhile, some commuters insist that the blue water tower seen for miles around the outskirts of the city of Franklin can also add a little color to the otherwise "boring as fuck" journey.

Victory A Result of Man Shouting 'Go Colts' at TV

INDIANAPOLIS - The Indianapolis Colts secured a hard-earned victory against The Minnesota Vikings on Week 2 of the new NFL season Sunday, attributing their victory to local man Justin Thacker, who persistently yelled "go Colts" at his television screen throughout the 2-hour broadcast.

Initially, it was believed that the impressive victory came about as a result of the team's considerable work ethic, months of pre-season preparation and valiant individual prowess.

However, upon hearing Thacker constructively advise him to "throw the ball already", new Colts quarterback Andrew Luck says he "suddenly became more determined than ever to win this damn match."

"I just don't know how we would have got it done without Mr Thacker," said Luck in a post-game interview. "Feeding off of his mindless passion for the sport was absolutely what sealed the victory for us in the end."

Meanwhile, Colts head coach Chuck Pagano was quick to dismiss reports that Mr Thacker's game-long chanting had also contributed to the Colts' defeat in game 1 to the Chicago Bears.

Indianapolis Mayor Thinks A Bunch of Really Tall Skyscrapers Would Be Pretty Neat

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INDIANAPOLIS - Peering philosphically out of his city-council building office window Monday, Mayor of Indianapolis Greg Ballard thinks that a whole bunch of "really freaking tall" skyscrapers would be pretty neat right about now.

Even though his office remains devoid of the sort of budget that would fund such a project, Mr Ballard privately imagines what it would be like to replace Monument Circle with a record-breaking 3,000 ft structure he would affectionately name Ballard Tower.

"Wouldn't it be just marvelous if Indy had, like, five or six super tall skyscrapers?," he said with a knowing grin. "We could have a couple of Empire State Buildings overlooking White River, right next to Ballard Bridge and The Mayor Complex. My gosh, it would be totally sweet."

"Of course, it's just a fantasy of mine, but man, we'd make New York City look like Terra Haute."

Among many of Ballard's other far-reaching pipe dreams is the idea to expand the city's cultural district into a world famous and eye-catching city square with "lots of blinking neon billboards." 

Image credit: Raimond Spekking.

Defeated Kid Guesses He's Just Not Cut Out for This Sort of Thing

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INDIANAPOLIS - Following a soul-crushing defeat to rival and high school jock Troy Davis, judo enthusiast Brent Culpepper guessed Monday that he just isn't cut out for this sort of thing. Despite encouragingly sentimental words from his father, a tearful Culpepper nonetheless picked up his back-pack shortly after today's humiliation and ran dramatically for the school's exit, declaring "I'm just another nobody." According to scriptwriters, however, it is widely believed that Culpepper will eventualy overcome such pessimism and attain victory in a tense, but gratifying, slow motion finale later this month.

Amish Man Gets in Wreck, Totals Horse

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GOSHEN - A resident of the predominantly Amish town of Goshen is recovering this morning after getting into a wreck Thursday night, in which his horse Milton was left completely totaled. 29-year-old Isaac Hershberger says he is fortunate to escape with his life, after a Chevrolet Aveo cannoned into the side of his horse, which suffered extensive interior/exterior damage before being written off by appraisers early this morning. Meanwhile, eyewitness reports suggest that Mr Hershberger "may have been at fault" for the accident after it was noted that "oh my God, his left turn signal is out."

School Board Only Wants the Very Best For The School Board

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FORT WAYNE - The school board of a newly opened charter school in Fort Wayne reiterated its commitment Monday to its ongoing success, stating: "ultimately, we only want the very best for the school board."

Even though the board admits there is still plenty of work to be done, enthusiastic board members overseeing the opening of the Thurgood Marshall Leadership Academy - insisted that "our long term aim is to turn this school board into one of the finest in Indiana. The long term success of the board of directors is priority number one."

Not afraid to shy away from difficult decisions, board member Leah Manson said that the board "would do everything in the interests of the board, even if this means cutting certain departments or personnel."

"This past week, we were forced to cut one of Thurgood's extremely popular arts departments, even though this department had the potential to not only bring in a greater pool of students from the community, but to harness untapped creative ability, and to send a message to other schools that we are the best. The truth is, we really couldn't give two shits about the arts. Our focus is on ensuring that we, the board, are happy. Period."

Another of the board's key aims is to foster a "nurturing atmosphere" across its directorial offices, allowing for development among "bright and prospective" board members.

"We are very welcoming of new board members," continued Manson. "We appoint individuals from all kinds of different backgrounds and the good news is that no qualifications or prior experience are required. You just need to turn up."

Guy Who Thinks Country Going Down Pan Hammered in Bar Again

ANDERSON - Insisting that the United States of America is crumbling beneath the very foundations upon which it stands, Indiana resident David Palenko was seen completely hammered in the bar again Friday. Clearly voicing disapproval of President Obama's fiscal policy as well as various contributing social factors, Palenko proceeded to knock back his eighth bottle of Samuel Adams - rendering the politically astute 47-year-old unconscious for the third night this week. "You can always count on David to solve the nation's problems after about six or seven drinks," contested manager of O'Brien's Irish Pub, Marcus Daly. "Perhaps after his liver fails, he'll start worrying about solving his own."

Center of Universe Needs Diaper Changing

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INDIANAPOLIS - The center of local couple Jeff and Angela Paulson's universe needed its diaper changing Saturday, after defecating all over its Pampers slip-on.

Even though it is routinely described as the "greatest thing in the world", the multicellular organism also managed to spill juice all over the newly installed upholstery.

"I asked Jeff if he could take care of it this time, since I had to do it the last three times," said Mrs Paulson, suggesting that this was not the first occasion on which the entity they fondly refer to as "our beautiful little angel" had pooped its pants. "I took care of the issue on the sofa, though."

Despite also having the honor of being the light of the couple's lives, the 2-foot homo-sapien nonetheless frequently stares off into space, drooling incessantly on its chin.

"This little one is more beautiful than all the stars combined," continued Mrs Paulson, wiping away saliva from the oral area of the 7-month old primate. "Who's a little cutie? Who's a little cutie pie? Yes, you are!"

Meanwhile, it is widely expected that in approximately 14 years, the center of the universe will not only expand in size, but will likely go on to develop acne. 

Image credit: brooklyn skinny. Creative commons.

Local Woman Spends Entire Hour of Parking Allowance Figuring Out How Parking Meter Works

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INDIANAPOLIS - Heading to a meeting in downtown Indianapolis this afternoon, local woman Bernette Gaskin spent the entire hour in which she'd intended to park her car figuring out how in the hell the stupid parking meter works. Navigating her way through the confusing credit card options on the meter's interface, the 27-year-old had hoped to remain downtown until 3 o'clock, which ultimately turned out to be the exact time that the parking meter finally accepted her payment method.

Guy Leaves Solitary Sheet of Toilet Paper on Roll to Avoid Switching It Out

INDIANAPOLIS - Anxious to return to the exciting activity he had been doing prior to taking a quick bathroom break Sunday, Indianapolis resident Paul Antoine made sure to leave one, solitary sheet of toilet paper on the existing roll in order to avoid switching it out. Though the 27-year-old has been reminded on numerous occasions by his wife Jessica to replace the roll upon finishing it, Antoine nonetheless reasoned that it would be a waste to throw away one perfectly good piece of toilet paper.  

Indiana Man Able to Put Anti-Immigration Beliefs Aside During Visit to Qdoba

FISHERS - During a post-work visit to American-Mexican food chain Qdoba Tuesday, local bigot Steve Clitheroe was somehow able to put aside his anti-immigration beliefs while enjoying a "mighty fine" meal with wife Linda.

Though he routinely espouses strong views about the need to tighten up border security and to instill federal legislation that would limit the opportunities of Mexican immigrants inside the United States, he was able - just for a solitary moment - to see past the usual hard-line conservative rhetoric and just enjoy a "damn-near perfect" chicken quesadilla.

"I should definitely come in here more often," said Clitheroe, failing to recall that, just this past Sunday, he had been displaying to his friend Mike his utter disdain for the Hernandez family two doors down. "I like the sound of those Nacho things too."

In a gesture that belied his usual small-minded soundbites projecting the idea that Mexicans are coming to the U.S. and stealing American jobs, Clitheroe could be heard uttering the words "thank you" to his server Carlos upon receipt of his food.

"The service is actually pretty good here," he continued. "It certainly beats Arby's in that department. I think I'll come back again sometime."

Meanwhile, as the taste of his cheesy fiesta potatoes began to wear off late Tuesday night, Clitheroe was outlining to his family why the state of Indiana needs to incorporate Arizona-style anti-immigration laws in an effort to curb illegal immigration.

Toddler Avidly Ruining Around Three Books A Week

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INDIANAPOLIS - Despite the inherent allure of mainstream video games, Marvel action figures and children's television, 3-year-old Nathan LaPlant still manages to find the time to graffiti, on average, three books a week, say the child's parents.

While his older brother Dane is routinely playing soccer in the back yard, little Nathan is said to be more than happy just sitting down with a copy of Spot's Greatest Adventure, a book he has now torn the shit out of seven times.

"It's not often you see Nathan without several pieces of a book in his hand," said the boy's 29-year-old father, Jonathan. "I''d say he avidly wrecks around seven coloring books a month, and maybe five problem solving books. I'm not kidding, Nathan is... he's special."

Even though he rather enjoys the odd Disney movie now and again, the toddler is believed to prefer the book versions of stories like Tarzan, Madagascar and Tangled, if only because the characters are "far more susceptible to merciless, wild scribbling."

"Once he finds a book that he likes, he will not put it down until every last page has been destroyed beyond all recognition," said his mother, Annette. "He's always so excited to see how the book's existence will end."    

Image credit. surlygirl.

God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

INDIANAPOLIS - Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God's emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was "carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that "God told me it was the right thing to do."

"I stand over you all today to protest my innocence in this most recent and appalling tragedy," declared God this morning. "I am not, in any way, affiliated with Mr. Calzone and it is quite clear that the lying shithead carried out the murder all by himself."

"I cannot stress this enough. I had nothing to do with it."

Calzone is set to go on trial on August 24, where he will make the case that he had acted upon the word of God during the July 11 shooting at his family home. Despite these allegations, however, God - who is set to give evidence at the trial - insisted that he had never once been in contact with the suspect.

"I vehemently refute Mr. Calzone's claim that I spoke to him every night prior to this awful tragedy, or that I told him to buy a semi-automatic weapon and offload six rounds into his family," continued the Heavenly Father. "I repeat: I have never corresponded with this awful man. Period."

God insisted that he will do everything in his considerable power to help investigators bring Calzone to justice, stating: "I'm even willing to testify under oath," he concluded. "That is, if the court will permit me to swear on my own Bible."

Indiana Mom Prepares Child For His First Full Day of No More Fun

INDIANAPOLIS - With around two weeks to go until the start of school, Indiana mom Annette Nichols is anxiously getting her 6-year-old son ready for his first day of what will ultimately be no more fun.

Enrolling him in classes at Brookside Elementary School in Indianapolis, Nichols, 37, has already accompanied her son, Evan, to a Back to School festival in an effort to teach him that his days of unbridled playtime are set to become increasingly rare as he gets older.

"It's very important that Evan is not just thrown in at the deep end," said Nichols, herself a teacher. "He has to learn that the carefree, toy-filled world he has enjoyed since birth will soon be replaced by laborious amounts of homework and an endless myriad of standardized tests."

"It's hard telling your only son that Spiderman will eventually cease to be the center of his universe," she continued. "But from the moment he steps foot in Brookside, he has to know that disciplined studying and excellent grades take precedent over the hours he currently spends having fun."

Warning Evan that the rest of his life will likely amount to little more than a continuous stream of regimented graft and thankless chores, Nichols has been secretly confiscating her son's adorable collection of Thomas The Tank Engine coloring books.

Image Credit: Fair use.

107-Year-Old Woman Not That Same Sprightly 89-Year-Old She Used to Be

GOSHEN - Celebrating her 107th birthday recently, centenarian Gladys Cadwell admitted Friday that, by golly, she is not that same, zesty 89-year-old she once was.

Waxing philosophical about those grand old times of 18 years ago, Cadwell conceded that she truly misses some of those wild days down at the bingo hall with Willa Morgan and Spike Jeffries, God rest their crazy souls.

"Dear gosh, I was a lot thinner back then," said Cadwell, glancing over old photographs. "I haven't been able to fit into that pink blouse since I was about 91. Life was so much easier in those days."

Wishing for one day that she could just roll back the years and relive the glory days of her late eighties, Cadwell says she can't help but reminisce about that magical time in her life when she was able to knit up to three whole sweaters in a week.

"Oh, 1994 was a quite marvelous time to be alive," continued the eccentric senior citizen. "I used to stay up until way past 8 o'clock knitting different clothes for my grand children, who are all too old for that sort of thing now. And in any event, my hands are not as steady with the needle as they were when I was 89-frickin-years-old."

"I sure do miss those days."

Meanwhile, despite clinging so desperately to the image of her younger, more sprightly 89-year-old self, Cadwell says it was nonetheless nice to hear Tuesday that she "does not look a day over 95."

Image credit: juhansonin

UFO Sightings Reignite Debate Over Whether Intelligent Life Exists in Indiana

SCOTTSBURG - Following a spate of UFO sightings across southern Indiana Wednesday, debate has intensified once more over whether or not intelligent life exists inside the Hoosier State.

Several disc-shaped crafts hovering over Scottsburg, Indiana were reported to local media yesterday, while as many as three Hoosiers claimed to have been kidnapped briefly by extraterrestrials.

According to psychologists at Indiana University, the claims appear to add weight to the argument that the state is devoid of any sort of sophisticated lifeforms.

"When you have almost two hundred people coming forward to report visions of flying saucers and advanced alien beings, eventually you start to sit up and take notice," said Professor Melissa Short. "It's a clear indication that the vast population of intelligent living organisms we once thought existed on the surface of present day Indiana may not exist after all."

"The idea that Carl Sidcup - a mailman from Jeffersonville - could firmly believe he was abducted by alien lifeforms and subjected to horrible sexual scientific experiments leads you to draw only one conclusion: Mr Spock is truly alone in the universe."    

Dismissing the findings as "baseless science", however, Author and respected local biologist Michael Deschamps insisted that, while there is no proof for the existence of advanced Indiana-dwelling lifeforms, recent studies at the Indianapolis Zoo point to the possibility that "a group of rational-thinking bipedal creatures might be roaming the surface as we speak."

"They're called chimpanzees," said Deschamps. "We might be able to learn a thing or two from chimpanzees."

The sightings come in the same week that an Indianapolis woman claimed to see the image of Jesus in a can of Spaghetti, prompting many to believe that the Lord Christ is set to return to Earth and smite the individual for being a moron.

 

State of Indiana Calls In Sick

INDIANAPOLIS - Insisting that it must have caught one of those overnight things that is going around, the entire state of Indiana called off work Monday, significantly affecting production across the Hoosier state.

Image credit: Flickr. Leonid Mamchenkov. Creative Commons

Even though the state's population didn't sound all that sick over the phone, thousands of companies were forced to just fill in best they could and "muddle through."

"Absenteeism has been abnormally high today," said general manager of Target's Indianapolis branch. "Apparently, a lot of people in Marion County have that one bug that's doing the rounds. Additionally, four of my workers have taken the day off because of a "family emergency," and might not be in until Wednesday."

"You have to work with what you've got, which, today, is just me."

Meanwhile, amid an unusually lengthy pollen season, millions of Hoosiers are expected to still be feeling "slightly under the weather come Tuesday, but, eh, we'll just have to see."

Indiana Fails to Make Top 50 In 'List of Most Interesting States In the Union'

INDIANAPOLIS - Following a year-long study by the United States Census Bureau, the state of Indiana found itself just missing out on a top fifty position in a list of the most interesting states in the union Saturday.

Image credit: Flickr. wanathan101.

Despite having hosted the Superbowl earlier this year, the Hoosier State - which boasts hundreds of miles of eye-catching cornfields in any direction, as well as approximately 1,200 dilapidated barn-houses statewide - placed 51st.

Though there are only 50 recognized states comprising the United States of America, it is believed that data monitors may have included statistics from outside American borders, with researchers insisting that "just looking at the figures on Indiana made us want to slit our wrists."

"If I'm honest, we just sort of left Indiana off the list," said researcher John Grimshaw. "The thought of compiling data on wind turbines and town-by-town water towers was so overwhelmingly depressing that we just pretended to make Puerto Rico a state."

Responding to the findings this afternoon, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels vowed to increase the state's overall attractiveness by "possibly funding one or two more casinos in Madison County."

Desperate Indiana Legislators Move to Salvage Economy Following Release of Peyton Manning

INDIANAPOLIS - Legislators from across Indiana have called an emergency meeting, amid fears that the state's economy could plummet following news that Indianapolis Colts star quarterback Peyton Manning has been released from the team.

Image credit: Barry Bahler. Creative Commons.

Manning, who was the driving force behind the Colts' impressive form throughout the late 2000s, the team's 2008 Super Bowl victory and the state's overall economic stability from 2001 to 2012, confirmed Wednesday that his services are to be utilized elsewhere.

Scrambling around to find a quick-fix solution to the impending fiscal crisis, Congressman Mike Pence told reporters that members of the Indiana General Assembly are quickly drawing up a shortlist of other viable quarterbacks, in the hopes of replacing Manning's obvious collateral draw.

"We've maintained an open dialogue with The Indianapolis Colts to iron out a draft pick that will keep the state's books balanced through the next decade," he said. "To that end, we hope to reach a  decision in the next 48 hours."

Meanwhile, many observers believe that sales of Manning's famous number 18 shirt, Peyton Manning DVDs and game day tickets could see a sharp decline over the next six months, prompting fears that the state-wide economy could tank.

"When you consider the effect Peyton Manning has had on Indiana's gross domestic product, then one thing becomes very clear: we're in big trouble," said House Representative Terry Goodin. "Add to that the fact that our corn is drying out faster, then we could see the entire collapse of Indiana's economy within the next year."

"I'm not kidding," he concluded.

In an effort to curb a potential downturn, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels has introduced a new "give back" initiative aimed at encouraging Hoosiers to "donate all of their Peyton stuff to the state", as plans get underway for the opening of The Peyton Manning Museum.

"We believe that an exhibition charting the history of Peyton Manning will help keep our economy strong in the long run," said the Governor this morning. "Just wait until you see the really neat gift shop."

Entire Population of Indiana Tired of This Shit

INDIANAPOLIS - Citing various factors, ranging from the lack of viable job opportunities to the general malaise of winter, the entire population of Indiana announced Saturday that it is so goddamn tired of this shit, adding: "really?".

Holy fucking shit, declared everyone Saturday

According to reports, all 6.5 million residents took issue this weekend with the fact that, in some way or another, someone or something is totally screwing them over in life and, come Hell or high water, a person is going to pay for this, you hear?

Hell yes, they are, sources confirmed.

This kind of bullshit has gone on long enough, agreed Hoosiers everywhere, and we're not going to take it anymore.

Deciding that no one else knows what it's like to haul ass eight hours a day only to receive no pay raise in two years, thousands of individuals across the state declared that this is all just so messed up, you don't even know.

To top it all off, continued the collective voice, this freaking weather has turned to shit again and, by God, gas has gone up 30 cents since nine o'clock this morning: what the fuck?

Wondering what it has to do to get ahead in this crazy-ass world, meanwhile, the population of Indiana decided late afternoon to just take a much needed break from its shitty life to catch up on re-runs of American Idol.

Forward-thinking Governor 'Gradually Propelling Indiana Into the 19th Century'

INDIANAPOLIS - Indiana's forward-thinking and innovative Governor, Mitch Daniels, insists that, under his leadership, the state is gradually catching up to the demands of the 19th Century.

Mitch Daniels: one of the great legislative thinkers of 2
centuries ago
Image credit: Trevor Kight. Creative commons.  

Citing the state's handling of various social and economic issues, the 49th governor declared Tuesday that Indiana was maximizing the benefits of the ongoing industrial revolution and is "leading the way" in cutting edge Victorian social reform.

"Last year, I signed into law progressive new measures that would make it illegal for homosexuals to marry in the state of Indiana," said a beaming Daniels. "I believe that's where the question of marriage is at in the year 1842 and I'm proud to say we are up with the times."

Another social reform that some believe sets Daniels apart as one of the great legislative thinkers of two centuries ago is his staunch opposition to abortion - a sin that Governor Daniels insists has no place in a "young nation such as this one."

"The mother's welfare is of no consequence to me," said Daniels. "If we are to keep up with the social expectations of the 1800s, we have to do right by our church and by our faith in the almighty. By this way of thinking, we will withdraw state funding from any health practice that offers abortion services throughout the state. It's the right thing to do as we approach the blessed future that this century - the 19th of its kind - will bring."

During Daniels' tenure as governor - a position he has held for 7 years - he has also introduced progressive "right to work" legislation, effectively weakening the influence of workers unions to a degree that "one comes to expect in the early 19th Century."

"If we allow unions to have it their way, workers would have these things known as rights," he continued. "This kind of nonsense cannot be allowed to stand - not so long as I'm governor and the year is 1817. No sir, not on my watch."

Concluding his reflection on the matter, Daniels spoke proudly of the "hard work" he and his administration have endured to bring the state's roads, buildings and transportation resources into the Victorian Age.

"Just take a look at my record," he concluded. "I have consistently opposed the construction of an expansive electric train service through our state's capital. Why? Primarily because electricity hasn't been invented yet. After all, you can't have a light bulb if you don't have any light."

Indiana Man Uploads Entire Life Onto Facebook

INDIANAPOLIS - Spending more than nine hours a day on Facebook, one of the site's 800 million users, Michael Treacher, says he has successfully uploaded his entire life onto the social networking site.

Not only does his profile provide thousands of digital images of day-to-day events, but also outlines his work history, social activities and most of his secret thoughts.

"The LinkedIn app is awesome," said the 28-year-old Accounts Clerk. "Now my friends can keep up-to-date with which jobs I'm applying for and which former bosses have recommended me. They can even see work-related conversations that I'm having."

Aside from uploading his business pursuits, Treacher allows friends to see mundane aspects of his life, such as dietary regimens.

"I've integrated SparkPeople.com (food and health social networking site) into my Facebook profile. It just helps me remember when I should lower my calorie intake, or eat something with less sugar."

Sitting down with a nice virtual bottle of beer, Treacher says he likes to relax by watching his favorite movies through YouTube segments shared to his Facebook profile.

"I recently spent six hours watching the entire Back to the Future trilogy with my girlfriend Andrea, who, coincidentally, I met on Facebook."

Additionally, Treacher routinely uses his Facebook status to outline thoughts he may have had throughout the day.

"I thought it was very annoying that the price of gas went up by twenty cents this past Friday, so I told my Facebook friends all about it. Everything I do, is documented on Facebook."

Reflecting on the impact Facebook has had on his life, Treacher insisted that he "just likes to have his life organized into one place."

"Sure, sometimes I use Twitter to make a point. But not before ensuring that all my tweets get redirected to my Facebook wall." 

Image credit: ElvertBarnes. Creative commons.

Adorable Indianapolis Desperately Trying to Convince Nation It a Major City

INDIANAPOLIS - As the Super Bowl nears its conclusion, the quite adorable city of Indianapolis is still desperately trying to convince the rest of the country that it is a major metropolis.

Pulling in thousands of football fans from the east coast, the cute little city has seen huge crowds in the city center over the last two weeks, something that city officials are reluctant to admit is actually something of a rarity.

"This is a great city and we're very proud of where we're headed," said Mayor Greg Ballard, failing to acknowledge the usually quaint, if unremarkable personality of down town Indianapolis. "As you can see, everyone's just having a great time."

As the city's Super Bowl Village illuminates an ordinarily low key area of Indianapolis, the nation's media continues to capture deceptively flattering images of the city, with shots of pyrotechnics, vast crowds and talented street performers artfully making the city look more like Las Vegas than the drab capital city of Indiana.

"Indianapolis is a truly breathtaking city," lied CNN news anchor Alicia Gaines. "And they're all set to show the rest of the world how to host the Super Bowl."  

Image credit: fair use.

Indiana Man Fired for Violating Company Policy, Secretary

INDIANAPOLIS - An inner city accounting firm has terminated the contract of one of its senior staff members after it was discovered that the 39-year-old had violated both the terms of his contract and the company's female secretary.

Michael Joyner - a certified public accountant of 11 years - was instantly dismissed by J.N Holbrook Ltd Monday when it was discovered that he had abused sections 1.0.2 and 2.6.3 of the company's disclosure forms as well as Nancy from the first floor.

"Our company is very serious about enforcing appropriate procedures," said Holbrook chairman Dennis Grady. "It is our belief that Mr Joyner abused firstly; his position, by going against such procedures and secondly; our secretary, by going against her... well, her breasts."

It is believed that Mr Joyner will appeal Holbrook's swift decision, though security footage taken on January 18 would seem to confirm the view that Joyner had brazenly disregarded the company's rulebook, which clearly states that "sexual harassment is a reportable offense and, if found guilty of such offenses, will result in the termination of your contract."

Mr Joyner is also believed to have stolen several paperclips.

Image credit: juggernautco. Creative commons.

City of Indianapolis Honestly Thinking of Just Calling Off this Whole Stupid Super Bowl Thing

INDIANAPOLIS - Following a brief outburst Monday, the city of Indianapolis said it is truly considering just "cancelling the whole damn Super Bowl", insisting that "the entire stupid thing is just so much hassle to organize?"

Speaking to Channel 6 News late Monday evening, Indianapolis, which has been inundated with thousands of tourists, Super Bowl themed events and parking lot price hikes, declared that it has "just had enough already."

"I swear, if somebody doesn't do something about the Goddamn traffic, I'm calling the whole thing off," said Indianapolis from downtown Indianapolis. "I mean, really? Why does it take forty years to drive into the city? And the Super Bowl hasn't even kicked off yet."

In a message that seemed to indicate it was starting to come to its senses, however, Indianapolis was later heard telling the nearby city of Carmel that "the Super Bowl Village is actually kinda neat, so we'll see."

Image credit: Public domain.

It Suddenly Hits Mayor That Indianapolis About to Host the Freaking Super Bowl

INDIANAPOLIS - Mayor of Indianapolis, Greg Ballard, has admitted that his city's hosting of the 46th annual Super Bowl is really starting to hit home, insisting "it's actually about to freaking happen! Christ, I can't believe this."

Until now, the mayor has kept a relatively low profile as the city of Indianapolis prepares to host the Super Bowl for the first time in NFL history.

However, gazing out of his office window at the City-Council Building Wednesday, Ballard is said to have jumped up and down like a 6-year-old kid on Christmas morning, after witnessing enthusiastic crowds gathering in Super Bowl Village.

"Holy fucking shit, the Super Bowl is coming to Indy in 10 days!," Ballard is quoted as saying. "I just... I can't believe it's fucking happening. I get to be on TV and everything!"

Meanwhile, Ballard, who was instrumental in bringing the event to Indianapolis, says he "cannot believe how quickly it's come round and, oh man, I'm totally fucking pumped for this."

Image credit: Fair use.

Full-Time Mom 'Looking to Go Part-Time'

INDIANAPOLIS - Full-time mother of three, Stephanie Grantham, 22, has indicated to friends and relatives that she is about to go part-time in an effort to advance her dwindling social life.

Miss Grantham, who has spent 5 years managing her children's daily lives on a rolling seven day week, says she is looking to reduce her hours so that she can spend more time concentrating on shopping, hanging out with friends and consuming alcohol.

"I'm totally being shafted over with the hours I'm working," said the Indianapolis resident, knocking back a double gin and tonic. "Can you believe I've not had a day off in two years? Raising three little kids is a very demanding job, and from the very start I never imagined I'd still be going full time after five years."

"I'm just hoping I can get on the 11:00 to 1:30 schedule."

Meanwhile, Miss Grantham says that, as well as cutting down her maternal responsibilities, she is desperately hoping to get Saturdays and Sundays off, primarily so that she can get trashed and watch game shows with her best friend Angela. 

Image credit: mrgreen09. Creative commons.

Dead Teen Suddenly Most Popular Kid in School

CUMBERLAND - Josh Stasiak, the tragic 13-year-old who was killed in an accident on the corner of Washington St and German Church Rd Wednesday, is suddenly the most popular kid at the school he attended since 2008.

According to sources at West Cumberland Junior High, Stasiak, who was entering his final year at the school, is "in the thoughts" of all those who knew him on a day-to-day basis.

"Josh was just the greatest," said fellow eighth grader and remote acquaintance Louise McGough. "I didn't know him all that good, but he was just an inspiration in everything he did. Everyone really misses him."

According to his grieving mother Maxine, Josh, who routinely failed to touch the lives of those around him while he was alive, would be happy to know that his death has brought him new-found popularity.

"Josh was a quiet kid; never had more than five friends in his whole life," she said. "I wish he'd have lived to see all those kids, who hardly ever said a word to him, hold aloft such nice commemorative banners with Josh's name on the front. He'd have liked that."

Meanwhile, Saturday's funeral service is expected to draw hundreds of Josh's friends, family members and classmates, marking the single largest concentration of genuine interest in the tragic boy's former existence. 
 

Image credit: creative commons. Christian_238

Super Bowl XLVI Set to Transform Indianapolis into One of Nation's Top Terrorist Attractions

INDIANAPOLIS - If past NFL showpieces are anything to go by, Superbowl XLVI could have a knock-on effect that will see the host city of Indianapolis temporarily become one of America's most sought after terrorist attractions.

The Super Bowl, which is thought to attract dozens of terrorists each year, will take place in Indiana's capital for the first time since the competition began in 1967 - a landmark event that is likely to draw in terrorists from all across the country.

"Indiana hasn't ever really been what you'd call a terrorist hotspot," said Super Bowl volunteer, Brett Kinney. "But I think the city has done a fine job of preparing itself for the large terrorism boom we all expect to see. You just gotta take a look at all the new fancy hotels and roadsides we got going on here. It's a terrorist's dream."

Indianapolis officials said the city will be ready ahead of time, anticipating an early influx of terrorists, who typically come a few days in advance to "check out all the discrete locations" in and around the stadium.  

Meanwhile, some Hoosiers fear that the Super Bowl could have a detrimental effect on the city of Indianapolis, with many concerned that the downtown area could become something of a terrorist trap during Super Bowl Sunday.

 Image credit: Fair use.

Indiana Couple Choosing to Abstain from Postmarital Sex

INDIANAPOLIS - Citing individual beliefs, core moral values and a mutual feeling of resentment toward the other person, Meredith and Anthony Boyer have pledged to experiment with the idea of abstaining from all forms of sexual activity now that they are married.

Mrs Boyer, who married her then fiance just three months after the two were first acquainted in 2008, says that the idea of having sex with someone to whom she is adjoined in Holy matrimony is "just not natural."

"It would go against everything I have learned to believe as an adult," said the 26-year-old accounts coordinator from Indianapolis. "While I truly believe that sex should be practiced between two people during the dating phase, making love to a husband with whom you have increasingly little in common is just wrong and disturbing."

"I ward off temptation by watching TV."

For his part, Mr Boyer believes that sex should only be practiced for the purposes of recreation and is "not - in any way - compatible with the married lifestyle."

"When I first met Meredith I knew that she was the only person I ever wanted to marry and ultimately stop having sex with. Now that I'm 28, the idea of making crazy, passionate love to my wife doesn't even register as a thought in my head."

"And on the rare occasion that it does, I quickly banish it by thinking about a report that's due the next morning or a meeting that took place earlier today. Anything to cast off the uncomfortable thought of my wife putting her hand down my pants."

Due to self imposed restrictions, meanwhile, the Boyers have even opted to refrain from sharing the same sleeping space, with the couple agreeing "that it might be for the best if Anthony sleep on the sofa downstairs."    

Image credit: fair use.

Drunken Governor Sells Indiana Back to Native Americans

INDIANAPOLIS - Calling it the most regrettable legislative decision of his career, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels - apparently under the influence of alcohol - agreed to sell the entire state of Indiana back to the Native Americans Saturday.

According to Daniels - who had been hosting a lavish New Years party at his residence in Indianapolis - a deal was accidentally struck over the telephone with Wabaunsee, leader of the Wabash River Potawatomi tribe, ensuring the sale of all land north of the Ohio River.

"My fellow Hoosiers," said a haggard looking Daniels in a televised address this morning. "Some way or another, I kind of did a very silly thing this weekend. I'm still trying to remember everything that went down but it looks increasingly as if I may have sold all 92 counties back to the Native Americans. I... we... we're going to get this worked out; I promise."

It is unclear what the gaffe will mean for the state's economy, though it is understood that Mr Daniels was able to negotiate 10,000 woven baskets, as well as a line of hollowed-out canoes in return for the state.

"Trust me," he continued. "If I can't get this mess turned around, at least the state will have a nice supply of tomahawks to fall back on."

"What... what the Hell have I done?"

The Potawatomi has yet to publicly comment on the issue, however a spokesman for the tribe hinted that their first objective as rulers of Indiana will be to tackle the deterioration of the housing market by implementing 3 million wigwams across the state.  

Image credit: composite.

Indiana Family Shocked to Find It's Not 1987

GOSHEN - As most Americans were busy celebrating the coming of 2012 at midnight last night, the Albrecht family of Goshen, Indiana were surprised to find that they had not just ushered in the year 1987.

Rocking away the night to a cassette recording of Aerosmith's Permanent Vacation album - a favorite among the Albrechts - the family insisted that it was an "enormous shock" to find that Western civilization had advanced some 25 years since they last checked.  

"I'm just blown away," said dad Guss Albrecht, whose hairstyle and general clothing choices remain reminiscent of the late eighties. "Perhaps the beer just went to my head or something."

"I just remember listening to Dude (Looks Like a Lady) when Jolene turned up the TV. Some presenter on Fox News announced that it was, like, 2012 and I was like, whoa!"

"And then I was, like, what the Hell is "Fox News"? 

Expecting to find Walk Like an Egyptian atop the Billboard Hot 100 this morning, family matriarch Jolene said "it's as though I've been through some kinda time warp, or something."

"We're just glad to be here in one piece," she said. "I just cannot believe some of the hairstyles on these 21st Century folk. I think some of them need to see my stylist."

Meanwhile, the Albrechts - not known for their political observations - were nonetheless "completely taken aback" by the bizarre sight of that black guy sitting in President Reagan's chair.  

Image credit: composite.

Woman's Weight Spirals Worryingly Under Control

YORKTOWN - During the post-Christmas period, friends and relatives of local woman Angela Hartman today noted how, in the last year, the 38-year-old's weight has spiraled worryingly under control.

Insisting that Miss Hartman "looks as if she hasn't eaten in two weeks," the woman's mother Kathy says that her only daughter's new diet - which consists of a 5-a-day serving of fruit, one daily Slim Fast shake and varying forms of meat-based salads - is a real cause for concern in the Hartman household.

"Angela is barely recognizable from the two-hundred-and-ninety pound daughter I knew twelve months ago," she said. "I don't think I've seen her eat a corn dog or a cheeseburger in over half a year. I'm very worried about her."

Arriving at the family's Christmas gathering this past Sunday, Miss Hartman drew several concerned glances,  notably from relatives who haven't seen her since last year's festivities.

"She doesn't look well," whispered grandfather Eric. "Somebody needs to get that gal a plate of Momma's meat and potatoes."

Meanwhile, Angelina and Michelle Hartman were quick to point out how ridiculous their youngest sister looks in those "non-baggy jeans and that form-fitting t-shirt."

Image credit: fair use.