Obituary - Elizabeth Crader

Elizabeth Ann "Liz" Crader, 83, died October 14 in Indianapolis.  Crader, the mother of six grown children, enjoyed offering support and advice to the young mothers in her neighborhood, at her church, or really anywhere she happened to encounter them. "Oh, Liz just loved to help all the young mothers," reported Crader's longtime best friend Alice Schnaebel. "The mommies these days just have no idea how to raise children. Well Liz was there for them, to set them straight." Pausing to offer a hard candy, Schnaebel continued, "Whether it was letting them know that breast feeding their child in public was filthy and disgusting and that formula was made by scientists so it was better for the baby anyway, or making sure parents know that they should not let their little girls even pick up a toy truck or their little boys even pick up a doll, or showing them that nothing stops a crying fit better than a sharp slap across the face, Liz was their guiding light. What'll they do without Liz?" Crader's body was found in a ladies restroom at the Indianapolis Children's Museum. She had been beaten to death with the diaper changing table. Witness accounts sent police searching for an exasperated-looking woman pushing a stroller, but officers found hundreds of suspects matching that description at the museum. The investigation is ongoing.

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'I've Worked Long and Hard to get Where I am Today', Lies Attractive Business Woman

INDIANAPOLIS - Stunning local business woman Elizabeth Snowden today insisted that her successful career and blossoming lifestyle were the result of hard work and dogged persistence: a lie she has maintained now for over four years.

Snowden, who is current vice president of Mulgrove-Snowden Insurance Ltd, incorrectly stated that ever since she first entered the company's doors dressed in a tight fitting

Local Woman Spends Entire Hour of Parking Allowance Figuring Out How Parking Meter Works

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INDIANAPOLIS - Heading to a meeting in downtown Indianapolis this afternoon, local woman Bernette Gaskin spent the entire hour in which she'd intended to park her car figuring out how in the hell the stupid parking meter works. Navigating her way through the confusing credit card options on the meter's interface, the 27-year-old had hoped to remain downtown until 3 o'clock, which ultimately turned out to be the exact time that the parking meter finally accepted her payment method.

Indiana Mom Prepares Child For His First Full Day of No More Fun

INDIANAPOLIS - With around two weeks to go until the start of school, Indiana mom Annette Nichols is anxiously getting her 6-year-old son ready for his first day of what will ultimately be no more fun.

Enrolling him in classes at Brookside Elementary School in Indianapolis, Nichols, 37, has already accompanied her son, Evan, to a Back to School festival in an effort to teach him that his days of unbridled playtime are set to become increasingly rare as he gets older.

"It's very important that Evan is not just thrown in at the deep end," said Nichols, herself a teacher. "He has to learn that the carefree, toy-filled world he has enjoyed since birth will soon be replaced by laborious amounts of homework and an endless myriad of standardized tests."

"It's hard telling your only son that Spiderman will eventually cease to be the center of his universe," she continued. "But from the moment he steps foot in Brookside, he has to know that disciplined studying and excellent grades take precedent over the hours he currently spends having fun."

Warning Evan that the rest of his life will likely amount to little more than a continuous stream of regimented graft and thankless chores, Nichols has been secretly confiscating her son's adorable collection of Thomas The Tank Engine coloring books.

Image Credit: Fair use.

107-Year-Old Woman Not That Same Sprightly 89-Year-Old She Used to Be

GOSHEN - Celebrating her 107th birthday recently, centenarian Gladys Cadwell admitted Friday that, by golly, she is not that same, zesty 89-year-old she once was.

Waxing philosophical about those grand old times of 18 years ago, Cadwell conceded that she truly misses some of those wild days down at the bingo hall with Willa Morgan and Spike Jeffries, God rest their crazy souls.

"Dear gosh, I was a lot thinner back then," said Cadwell, glancing over old photographs. "I haven't been able to fit into that pink blouse since I was about 91. Life was so much easier in those days."

Wishing for one day that she could just roll back the years and relive the glory days of her late eighties, Cadwell says she can't help but reminisce about that magical time in her life when she was able to knit up to three whole sweaters in a week.

"Oh, 1994 was a quite marvelous time to be alive," continued the eccentric senior citizen. "I used to stay up until way past 8 o'clock knitting different clothes for my grand children, who are all too old for that sort of thing now. And in any event, my hands are not as steady with the needle as they were when I was 89-frickin-years-old."

"I sure do miss those days."

Meanwhile, despite clinging so desperately to the image of her younger, more sprightly 89-year-old self, Cadwell says it was nonetheless nice to hear Tuesday that she "does not look a day over 95."

Image credit: juhansonin

Woman Over-Enunciates Every Single Word Said to Mexican Neighbors

INDIANAPOLIS - Trying her best to welcome her new Mexican neighbors to the street Thursday, local woman Macy Krasowski proceeded to over-enunciate every single word said to Javier and Lilian Ramirez.

Offering the Hispanic couple a bouquet of white lilies this morning, the 45-year-old divorcee from Indianapolis greeted the Ramirez couple, as well as their son Hernan, by uttering every last syllable of the words: "I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Macy. I live at number five-thirty-two."

Not dissuaded by Mr. and Mrs. Ramirez's above-average grasp of English, Krasowski continued to place additional emphasis on the letters T, P and D, while keeping an overtly friendly countenance.

"How are you liking your new place?," she asked, fervently ensuring to maintain eye contact upon each and every word. "I think you will really like it here."

Writing down her phone number in large, easy-to-read numbers, Krakowski went out of her way to let her new neighbors know that she is always just a phone call away.

"If you need anything, I'll just be next-door," she concluded, making sure to leave a sufficiently long pause between each word. "As in the house next to yours? Best of luck unpacking."

Woman Nevertheless Tells Cat a Second Time

INDIANAPOLIS - Though she had previously vowed not to, Indianapolis woman and human overlord Jane Gunther conceded defeat Sunday, after telling her cat Vinny to "stop scratching on the side of that damn sofa" for what was a second time.

Despite sternly advising the 2-year-old feline that she (Gunther) was "not going to say it again", 22-year-old Miss Gunther proceeded to scold Vinny for the very same offense some two minutes later.

"Right, you're really going to get it this time, Mr. Vinny," said Gunther, not for the first time. "This is the very last time I'm going to say this - stop biting into those polyester cushions!"

At press time, Vinny is believed to be playing innocently with a toy mouse, though if past habits are anything to go by, the "little devil will be right back to that upholstery before you know it".

Romney Devours 'Fifty Shades of Grey' In Effort to Win Over Female Voters

WASHINGTON D.C. -  In a new and controversial campaign strategy designed to appeal to female voters, presumed Republican nominee Mitt Romney has begun reading the wildly popular erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey.

Obsessive-Compulsive Book Collector Not Sure Where in Alphabet 2001: A Space Odyssey Should Go

FISHERS - Attempting to alphabetize her book collection, obsessive-compulsive Indiana woman Cassie Vermalen cannot quite decide where exactly Arthur C. Clarke's classic sci-fi novel 2001: A Space Odyssey should go.

Initially placing the novel, which she has read on at least seven separate occasions, immediately after the W-Z titles, Vermalen is now wondering if, in fact, it should go at the beginning.

"Gosh, I really don't know. I even thought about putting it under "T" - as in "Two-Thousand-and-One" - but something about that just didn't sit well with me. On the other hand, Orwell's Nineteen-Eighty-Four is sitting proudly as an "N" title, only because the number is clearly spelled out. I hate this."

"I mean, should I just put it under "S" for "Space"?

Struggling to arrive at a definitive answer, the 31-year-old ponders the idea of storing all books with numbers in the title inside a closet, where guests won't ever be able to pass comment on their awkward alphabetical placement.

"But 2001 is a classic. It needs to be out on the shelf so people can see that I own it."

Also attempting to find a home for 100 Selected Poems by E. E. Cummings and Nick Hornby's 31 Songs, Vermalen concedes that "it might be for the best just to lay them out on the coffee table."

Attractive Woman Marries Mark Zuckerberg for His Great Sense of Humor

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - An attractive woman exchanged marriage vows with billionaire Facebook creator and CEO Mark Zuckerberg Saturday - citing the 28-year-old's sharp sense of humor as the reason for committing the remainder of her life to him.

Priscilla Chan - the tech innovator's longtime girlfriend - married Zuckerberg in a private ceremony after graduating from medical school at UCLA, and later declared that "(Mark) is just the funniest person I know."

"He's always making me laugh and he's just so caring and compassionate. It is these qualities - and absolutely nothing else - that have drawn me to him. I look forward to our normal, loving life together."

Wearing a diamond ring reported to have cost $1.5m, Chan told reporters that Zuckerberg was her "soul mate" and that "his dry, off-the-cuff humor really pulled her in", and that their subsequent relationship was motivated by nothing more than mutual love. Period.

Meanwhile, an elated Zuckerberg insisted that hot girls "never showed any interest in me until I turned 20, so it's just great to find someone as gorgeous as Priscilla, who loves me for who I am. No other reason. Nothing. Just my lovable and supportive personality."

Despite the wedding taking place in the same week that Zuckerberg's flagship creation Facebook went public, Chan further insisted that the exponential Billion-dollar net worth of her new husband was the furthest thing from her mind when she accepted his proposal.

Unconventional Career-Woman Earning $30,000 Working from Work

INDIANAPOLIS - Despite the inherent risks that come with such a career path, Indianapolis woman Jeannette Breen is reportedly earning $30,000-a-year working from her place of work.

Entering and analyzing data for KLP Services Ltd, the 24-year-old has earned what most would consider to be a healthy salary, without having to leave the confines of her own 6ft-by-4ft cubical during an eight hour workday.

Image credit: Flickr. @yakobusan Jakob Montrasio. creative commons.

"Many people these days don't think it's possible to earn good money and still be able to work within the relative comfort of a company-owned work space," she said. "But if you work hard and learn all of the procedural directives and company policies and conduct yourself in a task-oriented way, you can certainly enjoy the benefits of working from work. I've been doing it now for about 8 years."

Skeptics of Miss Breen's professional lifestyle point to the problem of self-discipline, insisting that "while working from the offices of a recognized corporate establishment might appear to have various perks, maintaining on-the-job-motivation could prove difficult for most professionals."

"Studies indicate that seven in ten people who cite a corporate building as their full-time employment base said they find it difficult to remain on-task," said analytical researcher John Mayhew. "While forty-eight percent of those polled said they felt a sense of job dissatisfaction."

However, Miss Breen says that the perception of tardiness among work-workers is "simply false", saying that she personally sticks to a rigid nine-to-five schedule with Saturdays and Sundays off.

Husband and Wife Agree to Renew Their Marriage Counseling

INDIANAPOLIS - After months of fervent consideration, Indianapolis couple Dwayne and Melissa Hughes have agreed to renew their marriage counseling - 2 years after their first session.

Image credit: mashleymorgan. Creative Commons.

The couple say they have not told members of their immediate family, insisting: "we'd like to keep it a private thing between the two of us."


"It's something we've been thinking about for a while", said Dwayne, 33. "When you find that you love the other person less and less each day as we do, it's the natural next step to take."


"Now just seems like the right time", he continued.


After considering various locations, the couple nostalgically decided to renew their marriage vows at Marshall Town Family Service Center - the very place where, on March 4th, 2010, they first exchanged unspoken resentment toward one and other before a presiding counselor.


"I remember it like it was yesterday," said Melissa, 32. "Dwayne was so nervous throughout the whole thing. At one point, I really feared that he was getting cold feet. But after taking a moment, he went ahead and finally admitted the truth about him and that bitch, Megan."


"It was a moment I shall never forget." 


As part of the renewal process, the couple will be unified in an intense 90-minute consultation, to be followed by an intimate and somber walk to their 2009 Mustang Convertible.

MySpace Profile Logged Into for Old Times' Sake

LAFAYETTE - Having not updated her information, images or layout since June, 2008, local woman Hannah Kirman today logged into her MySpace profile for old times' sake.

During a night of utter procrastination, Miss Kirman vicariously navigated her way to the social networking site after conducting a rudimentary search for her name in Google.

"I'd forgotten all about MySpace," she said, attempting to remember her login details. "I wonder if my profile still exists."

After taking two minutes to reset her password, the 26-year-old signed into her largely unaltered page. "Wow, this is really sad," she said, casting her eyes over her latest blog entry, dated November 19th, 2007. "Did I really post intimate details of my break-up with Andrew on here? That's really creepy. I think that's being deleted."

Scrolling down to her "Interests" Miss Kirman was startled by the opening bars of Metallica's The Memory Remains, which had spent the last 2 years "adding character" to her page, and frustratingly slowing down its loading times.

"Argh! I can't believe I used to like this song," she said, promptly hitting the pause button. "I hope my workmates don't find this."

Following the painstakingly slow process of scrolling down past the high resolution leopard print background, Miss Kirman finally found her message board.

"How did all this porn get on here?" she said, cycling up and down her Stream. "And who the hell is Maxxx69? I think I'd better close down my account."

Image credit: Marco Gomes. Creative commons.

Full-Time Mom 'Looking to Go Part-Time'

INDIANAPOLIS - Full-time mother of three, Stephanie Grantham, 22, has indicated to friends and relatives that she is about to go part-time in an effort to advance her dwindling social life.

Miss Grantham, who has spent 5 years managing her children's daily lives on a rolling seven day week, says she is looking to reduce her hours so that she can spend more time concentrating on shopping, hanging out with friends and consuming alcohol.

"I'm totally being shafted over with the hours I'm working," said the Indianapolis resident, knocking back a double gin and tonic. "Can you believe I've not had a day off in two years? Raising three little kids is a very demanding job, and from the very start I never imagined I'd still be going full time after five years."

"I'm just hoping I can get on the 11:00 to 1:30 schedule."

Meanwhile, Miss Grantham says that, as well as cutting down her maternal responsibilities, she is desperately hoping to get Saturdays and Sundays off, primarily so that she can get trashed and watch game shows with her best friend Angela. 

Image credit: mrgreen09. Creative commons.

Woman's Weight Spirals Worryingly Under Control

YORKTOWN - During the post-Christmas period, friends and relatives of local woman Angela Hartman today noted how, in the last year, the 38-year-old's weight has spiraled worryingly under control.

Insisting that Miss Hartman "looks as if she hasn't eaten in two weeks," the woman's mother Kathy says that her only daughter's new diet - which consists of a 5-a-day serving of fruit, one daily Slim Fast shake and varying forms of meat-based salads - is a real cause for concern in the Hartman household.

"Angela is barely recognizable from the two-hundred-and-ninety pound daughter I knew twelve months ago," she said. "I don't think I've seen her eat a corn dog or a cheeseburger in over half a year. I'm very worried about her."

Arriving at the family's Christmas gathering this past Sunday, Miss Hartman drew several concerned glances,  notably from relatives who haven't seen her since last year's festivities.

"She doesn't look well," whispered grandfather Eric. "Somebody needs to get that gal a plate of Momma's meat and potatoes."

Meanwhile, Angelina and Michelle Hartman were quick to point out how ridiculous their youngest sister looks in those "non-baggy jeans and that form-fitting t-shirt."

Image credit: fair use.

Elderly Woman Sends Text Message

INDIANAPOLIS - An elderly woman became the talk of her family today after miraculously turning on a cellular phone and successfully typing, and then sending, a 23-word text message to her 18-year-old grandson.

Maureen Hamilton, 84, is believed to have navigated her way through the menu options of her Nokia 1680 handset without needing assistance - eventually arriving at the "compose message" tab inside her messages folder.

"Don't ask me how I got there", said the retired former shop assistant. "To be honest I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I think I clicked on something called "settings"... no wait, it was called, err... oh, what was the name of it? Anyway, I wasn't even aware I'd sent a text message until my grandson Charlie sent some kind of reply to my thingy box. At least I think it was from him; I haven't been able to open it yet".

The incident has apparently become the source of much amusement across family lines, with Maureen's eldest daughter Megan reportedly spending her entire evening enthusiastically relaying the anecdote to other relatives.

"The funny thing about this is that I barely know how to send text messages myself", said the 54-year-old. "So the last thing I expected to see was Charlie standing in the doorway telling me he'd just received a text from his nan - the very same nan who until last week didn't even know what an email was".

In an attempt to further assist his grandma with understanding the capabilities of her phone this evening, college student Charlie is thought to have physically directed her through the phone's various features, only for her to fall into a state of bewilderment upon learning that her device also doubles up as a camera.

Image credit: Flickr. Carolyn Coles. Creative commons.

Woman Gives Birth to $22,000 of Debt

ANDERSON - A local woman has successfully given birth to $22,000 of debt. When her water broke at around 2:30pm yesterday, Stacy Dunlop, 23, was rushed to the maternity ward of St John's hospital in Anderson, where she spent 5 hours in labor. 


With her husband Brandon at her side, Mrs Dunlop gave birth to the debt - also known as Charlie Michael - at approximately 7:17pm, weighing 7lbs 2oz. For new father, Brandon, watching doctors deliver a newborn mountain of financial hardship was an "overwhelming experience." 


"Nothing prepares you for a moment like this," he said. "I... I just can't believe how many loans we're going to have to take out." 


While government benefits are expected to alleviate some of the financial burden on the new family, the young couple have already taken out 3 emergency loans and are expected to create a savings account in Charlie's name to cover education and welfare costs. 


"Until you've been through it yourself, you can't imagine what it's like to hold something so delicate in your arms," said exhausted first time mother, Stacey. "It's amazing to think that two humans can create such an overwhelming debt problem."


Despite such a huge setback to their finances, however, the Dunlops have bizarrely agreed to try for at least two more huge debts over the next three or four years.  

Image credit: fair use.

Amish Community Brought to Standstill as Woman Shows Ankles

Article by Carrie Bennett Fedor
HAGERSTOWN – A local Amish woman caused quite a stir this week in her Amish community outside of Hagerstown, Indiana. Sarah Stultzfoos, 23, was seen Thursday walking around with her ankles exposed.

The controversy has caused outrage within the community, with Miss Stultzfoos’ mother Katherine taking the unprecedented step of speaking to reporters through a channel of seven Englishers.

“Sarah is a good girl,” insisted Mrs Stultzfoos. “She just happened to lose her stockings and, let’s not forget, she's still a growing young woman. She frequently outgrows her dresses.”

Through the same outlet, Miss Stultzfoos 's father commented that, “This is simply Sarah's experimentation during rumspringa.” However, rumspringa – a period of adolescence when Amish teens experiment with courtship - usually lasts from ages sixteen to eighteen, a fact that has prompted many members of the order to say that Miss Stultzfoos 's parents are “in denial.”

“She ain't still growin',” declared local farmer Rick Schmitt. “She's twenty-three. I seen that girl walkin' around with her hairy legs pokin' outta that dress. I even seen her without her bonnet the other day, behind that thar barn.”

According to inside sources, various community members are “afraid to approach Sarah,” but the 23-year-old seems quite popular with the boys. Her mother says that despite her short dresses and lack of stockings, Sarah has eleven suitors if you don't count her cousin James.

One courter, Abraham Stultzfoos (no relation), says, “I don't mind that Sarah likes to show her ankles. I think it's very progressive.” There has been no word on where Mr Stultzfoos (no relation) learned the word “progressive.”

Meanwhile, Miss Stultzfoos has herself refused to comment on the matter and displayed an obscene hand gesture when approached by Tribune reporters this morning.

Article by Nancy Obitoire

Image credit: fair use.

Depressed Woman Turns Life Around Too Far

INDIANAPOLIS - Friends of local woman Nancy Harris say they are proud of the 29-year-old's steely determination to overcome depression, but admit that the new, more confident Nancy is actually more annoying than the needy, self-harming woman of 2 years ago. 

Miss Harris, who struggled for many years with dysthymic disorder, a type of depression characterised by low self esteem, fatigue and troubled eating habits, has followed the advice of her psychologist and various self help books to completely transform herself. 

However, best friend Angela Goodall says Nancy has turned her life around just a little bit too far. "I hate to say it, but the new Nancy is really stuck up", she said. "She used to be really self-depricating and quiet, but all she talks about now is how great her life is. Well, hurray for you, Nancy!". 

Other friends say they are fed up with being told that they should try reading Paul McKenna's Change Your Life in Seven Days and any other such books on combatting low self esteem. 

"Look, I admit it was quite irritating having to put up with her constant suicide threats before", said friend Michael Peach. "But in the last few months she just never shuts up about the wonderful effects of neuro linguistic programming, and how I should try it out. I just hope this is a phase". 

Defending herself this morning, Miss Harris told The Tribune that her friends are "just expressing their own insecurities through the medium of jealousy", but reiterated that "this could be remedied through improving their self images".

Local Woman Is Just Saying

INDIANAPOLIS - Having suggested a course of action that her friend Joanna had obviously hitherto failed to consider, local woman Melanie Bullard insists: "I'm just saying."

Momentarily coming off as an authority on the very topic that she and her 32-year-old best friend were discussing, Ms Bullard said that "what you really need to do is consider the positive side of your actions, rather than dwelling on the negative aspects."

"I'm just saying, that's all," she continued, with a warm laugh. "It'll only benefit you in the long run."

Still unable to get through to Joanna the importance of a healthy viewpoint, Bullard took things a step further by suggesting that "this is only my opinion."

Image credit: Flickr. TStride. Creative commons.