Televangelist, author, and pastor Joel Osteen, 49, died October 8 in his Houston home. His widow, Victoria Osteen, issued a statement in which she said that God had "called Joel home." When reached for comment, God had a different perspective. "That wasn't exactly it," said God. "I just finally got sick of listening to that guy prattling on about how I supposedly want everybody to have a big house and a nice car, if they just believe in Me hard enough--and send him money, of course." The Lord added, "I mean, did that guy even read anything I had people write down? Yet day in and day out, he'd be there behind that oily smile, telling thousands of people who attended his megachurch or watched his TV show or read his books that I'm not much more than a big Rich Uncle in the sky. Oh my Self, that was annoying! It was like a snake oil salesman and a pyramid scheme huckster had a love child, and tried to make it okay by wrapping it all up in a big Me-shaped diaper. Well, I finally just got sick of it and smote the guy. Felt good--I haven't done a proper smiting in a long time." When asked whether the departed soul of Mr. Osteen were available for comment, God replied, "Oh well, um, this is a little awkward. Let's just say you'd have to reach him at a different address."
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