New Weight-Loss Program Guarantees You Will Lose Interest in Under 2 Weeks

INDIANAPOLIS - As millions of Americans continue to return to post-holiday life, a controversial new weight-loss program - pioneered by a self-help guru in California - guarantees that dieters will lose interest in the program in just 2 weeks.

Launching his lifestyle book Lose Interest In Healthy Eating: 14 Days Back to the Same Old You, Dr. Allen Wilkes insisted Monday that while his methods may not appeal to everyone, weight-conscious Americans can return to an apathetic lifestyle after "two weeks of giving it their best shot."

Obituary - Jason Parker

Jason M. Parker, 28, died in his Plainfield home September 17. Parker, who weighed 105 pounds all of his adult life, died of acute starvation and dehydration. Parker had made a wager with his roommate, Kyle Ziland, over the effects of the weight loss drug Lipozene--which its television commercials gravely assert should only be taken by someone who is severely overweight--on someone Parker’s size. Within minutes of taking the first pill, Parker shriveled up before Ziland’s eyes, until at death his body weighed a mere 48 pounds. The drug’s maker, The Obesity Research Institute, issued a press release regarding Parker’s death. “Mr. Parker’s tragic death comes as a shock to us no less than to his family and friends,” the release said. “We never knew this shit worked at all.” Ziland added, “This sucks. Dude owes me $20.”

Woman's Weight Spirals Worryingly Under Control

YORKTOWN - During the post-Christmas period, friends and relatives of local woman Angela Hartman today noted how, in the last year, the 38-year-old's weight has spiraled worryingly under control.

Insisting that Miss Hartman "looks as if she hasn't eaten in two weeks," the woman's mother Kathy says that her only daughter's new diet - which consists of a 5-a-day serving of fruit, one daily Slim Fast shake and varying forms of meat-based salads - is a real cause for concern in the Hartman household.

"Angela is barely recognizable from the two-hundred-and-ninety pound daughter I knew twelve months ago," she said. "I don't think I've seen her eat a corn dog or a cheeseburger in over half a year. I'm very worried about her."

Arriving at the family's Christmas gathering this past Sunday, Miss Hartman drew several concerned glances,  notably from relatives who haven't seen her since last year's festivities.

"She doesn't look well," whispered grandfather Eric. "Somebody needs to get that gal a plate of Momma's meat and potatoes."

Meanwhile, Angelina and Michelle Hartman were quick to point out how ridiculous their youngest sister looks in those "non-baggy jeans and that form-fitting t-shirt."

Image credit: fair use.