WASHINGTON - In a bleak assessment of our economic times, the latest jobs report released by the Labor Department has found that only four people in the entire country actually had a job during the month of October.
The figure fell considerably below expectations, which posited that the number of employed people would rise by around 130,000.
According to the figures, the unemployment rate slumped to its lowest standing since records began, with estimates declaring that 99.99999994% of Americans were without a job for the 31-day duration of October.
Various reasons have been cited for the sharp downturn, while many believe that Fall illnesses, Halloween, and Hurricane Sandy caused millions of Americans to unexpectedly leave their jobs.
Back on the campaign trail following the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, President Barack Obama made clear his despair at the latest figures, insisting: "Wow, this is... this is very, very embarrassing."
"Apparently, not even I did any work last month," he said, looking at the report. "I guess campaigning isn't technically classed as employment. My fellow Americans, I unreservedly apologize. These figures are just not good enough."
The report found that the entire sum of all American productivity was comprised only of work carried out by New York MD, Dennis Hughes, Oregon librarian Mary Cartwright, Indiana farmer Bill Tuffnell and Oklahoma mechanic, David Castleton.
However, further studies have found that Mr. Castleton was laid off toward the end of the month, and has since applied for unemployment insurance.
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