Copycat Killer Incapable Of Coming Up With Exciting Murder Scenarios of His Own

INDIANAPOLIS - Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is "just incapable" of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own.

Paulsen's modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of Jake Howlett, who killed and buried three women in Indianapolis in 2007, before being sentenced to life

Obituary - Vincent Chambers

Vincent P. Chambers, 38, died September 3 in an abandoned warehouse in downtown Indianapolis. Mr. Chambers, who had a lengthy criminal record, was discovered in a dumpster behind the warehouse with gunshot wounds, stab wounds, strangulation marks, extensive blunt force trauma, and extremely high levels of fumarin (rat poison) in his system. The official cause of death is listed as “accident,” and this conclusion is corroborated by certain of Mr. Chambers’ associates who wish to remain anonymous but who claim to be witnesses to his demise. When pressed for further details, the associates reminded this reporter that he shouldn’t oughta ask so many questions.

God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

INDIANAPOLIS - Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God's emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was "carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that "God told me it was the right thing to do."

"I stand over you all today to protest my innocence in this most recent and appalling tragedy," declared God this morning. "I am not, in any way, affiliated with Mr. Calzone and it is quite clear that the lying shithead carried out the murder all by himself."

"I cannot stress this enough. I had nothing to do with it."

Calzone is set to go on trial on August 24, where he will make the case that he had acted upon the word of God during the July 11 shooting at his family home. Despite these allegations, however, God - who is set to give evidence at the trial - insisted that he had never once been in contact with the suspect.

"I vehemently refute Mr. Calzone's claim that I spoke to him every night prior to this awful tragedy, or that I told him to buy a semi-automatic weapon and offload six rounds into his family," continued the Heavenly Father. "I repeat: I have never corresponded with this awful man. Period."

God insisted that he will do everything in his considerable power to help investigators bring Calzone to justice, stating: "I'm even willing to testify under oath," he concluded. "That is, if the court will permit me to swear on my own Bible."

Woman Guilty of Murdering Bohemian Rhapsody

INDIANAPOLIS - Following numerous eye witness testimonies, Indianapolis resident Joanne Benson has been found guilty of murdering the 1975 Queen hit, Bohemian Rhapsody, during a 6 minute ordeal inside a local bar.

Image credit: Flickr. Mykl Roventine: Out & About.

More than 20 people have come forward to say they saw a "highly intoxicated" Miss Benson, 30, butcher the popular hit using a jacked microphone. A backing track recording is believed to have been an accomplice in the crime.

"You see this kind of thing happening on TV, but you don't expect to bare witness to it in your own bar," said Nathan McDonald, a barman at the Feisty Mouse pub. "The woman must have downed 6, maybe 7 cocktails. But it's still shocking to watch a human being totally kill one of the greatest songs ever written. It was just horrible."

Officials have not ruled out the possibility that the murder may have been premeditated, after Miss Benson was apparently seen asking the bar's DJ whether or not Bohemian Rhapsody featured in the venue's song book.

"This was clearly not just a random act of murder," said Indianapolis resident Michelle Gatting. "Joanne Benson knew full well what she was doing and I wouldn't be surprised if the whole thing was planned over the past several Friday nights. Everyone is so devastated by what has gone down."

Meanwhile, the appalling attack is also believed to have left Total Eclipse of the Heart and Hey Jude in critical conditions.