Gun Laws, Same-Sex Marriage, Women's Rights, Economy, Healthcare Reform, Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Syria, Education Set to Become Number One Issue of Election

WASHINGTON D.C. - With the presidential election just 3 months away, political insiders believe that the one central issue facing the candidates in November will be gun laws, same-sex marriage, women's rights, the economy, healthcare reform, and just generally everything that people are upset about.

Despite conventional wisdom dictating that elections of this magnitude never come down to just one single talking point, it is also projected that the national dialogue will turn solely toward the divisive topic of abortion, Syria, education reform, unemployment, and space exploration. And the war on drugs.

"This election won't be decided on which candidate has the greater campaign finance or the most influential endorsements," said political analyst Ray Freeman. "It will come down to one defining issue and that one defining issue will be the death penalty, stem cell research, gas prices, and funding for the arts."

This view, however, would not appear to be shared by Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who is expected to construct his entire campaign around the solitary issue of the economy, taxes, government spending, investment, and a wide series of money stuff. And gay marriage.  

Meanwhile, incumbent president Barack Obama has stated that, while no one topic will force the agenda in November, the one, overwhelming concern among those he has met on the campaign trail is "all of the above."

Image Credit: composite creative commons.

Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries

ATHENS, GREECE - As votes continue to be counted in the Greek general election, worries continue to mount that the fallout from the country's potential economic collapse could have a knock-on effect for many other not-America countries.

Should Greece fail to meet the terms of its $130 billion bailout program, then the nation of Italy, which is not the United States of America, could suffer huge financial depression.

"We have been monitoring the situation in Greece closely", said Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke. "If  the European Central Bank is forced to cut off funding to the Greeks - and by the Greeks I mean not the Americans - then the not-American nations of Italy and Spain could suffer further debt and possibly a complete collapse of their economies."

"From there, the wider global community of not-American nations could fall into a global depression the likes of which we have never seen."

The Eurozone - a fiscal region of not-America countries that have adopted the not-America currency of the Euro - are working around the clock to stave off economic meltdown across the European Union, a collective region of not-America nations.

Meanwhile, several experts believe that a worldwide depression, which would likely affect not-America Asian markets, could eventually pull The United States down into a financial abyss.

However, until a scenario involving the U.S. occurs, it is believed that the majority of Americans are set to go about their business, letting those itty bitty countries over in, like wherever it is, fight it out until there's a winner.

Image credit: Flickr. PIAZZA del POPOLO. Creative Commons.

Desperate Indiana Legislators Move to Salvage Economy Following Release of Peyton Manning

INDIANAPOLIS - Legislators from across Indiana have called an emergency meeting, amid fears that the state's economy could plummet following news that Indianapolis Colts star quarterback Peyton Manning has been released from the team.

Image credit: Barry Bahler. Creative Commons.

Manning, who was the driving force behind the Colts' impressive form throughout the late 2000s, the team's 2008 Super Bowl victory and the state's overall economic stability from 2001 to 2012, confirmed Wednesday that his services are to be utilized elsewhere.

Scrambling around to find a quick-fix solution to the impending fiscal crisis, Congressman Mike Pence told reporters that members of the Indiana General Assembly are quickly drawing up a shortlist of other viable quarterbacks, in the hopes of replacing Manning's obvious collateral draw.

"We've maintained an open dialogue with The Indianapolis Colts to iron out a draft pick that will keep the state's books balanced through the next decade," he said. "To that end, we hope to reach a  decision in the next 48 hours."

Meanwhile, many observers believe that sales of Manning's famous number 18 shirt, Peyton Manning DVDs and game day tickets could see a sharp decline over the next six months, prompting fears that the state-wide economy could tank.

"When you consider the effect Peyton Manning has had on Indiana's gross domestic product, then one thing becomes very clear: we're in big trouble," said House Representative Terry Goodin. "Add to that the fact that our corn is drying out faster, then we could see the entire collapse of Indiana's economy within the next year."

"I'm not kidding," he concluded.

In an effort to curb a potential downturn, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels has introduced a new "give back" initiative aimed at encouraging Hoosiers to "donate all of their Peyton stuff to the state", as plans get underway for the opening of The Peyton Manning Museum.

"We believe that an exhibition charting the history of Peyton Manning will help keep our economy strong in the long run," said the Governor this morning. "Just wait until you see the really neat gift shop."

Economic Struggle Forces Mary and Joseph to Merge Christ's Birthday, Christmas Presents Into One

BETHLEHEM - Citing financial hardship amid the ongoing global economic downturn, Mary and Joseph - the parents of Jesus Christ - have conceded that they will have to merge their only son's birthday and Christmas presents into one.

After years of making sure that Christ - whose birthday happens to fall on Christmas Day - always gets a least one present for each occasion, the couple insisted that they just cannot afford the extra plunge this year.

"It's going to be difficult to break it to him," said Mary - the child's only biological parent. "But after putting our stable on the market this past November, we honestly have no choice but to put our finances first."

"It's just been a really difficult year. I hope he understands."

Christ, who is well known for preaching forgiveness, will have to put his teachings into practice come Christmas morning when faced with a stocking containing just a copy of the New Testament and an orange.

"Hopefully, if the job situation improves, we'll be able to spoil him a little bit more next year," said Joseph, whose carpentry business has struggled to stay afloat since the recession of 2008. "But he has to understand we cannot just go crazy like we used to. It just wouldn't be fiscally responsible."
   

Image credit: public domain.

Bachmann: I Will Put an End to The Economy

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - US Congresswoman and Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann has said that, as president, she will be ready from day one to put an end to the economy of the United States.

Speaking at a campaign rally in her home state of Minnesota, Mrs Bachmann outlined her fiscal agenda, insisting that her administration would dramatically cut government spending and refuse to increase taxes in an effort to plunge the United States into the lowest depths of total financial ruin.

"There are a lot of contenders out there who think they have a plan for fixing our economy," said Bachmann. "But I will go one better than my competitors. I will make sure that we no longer have an economy left to fix."

Bachmann told an 800-strong crowd that she would slash funding for the arts, as well as "other frivolous entities," such  as public transportation and education and would lower taxes for the country's highest earners.

"President Bush showed us all that through generous tax breaks, trillion dollar war chests and widespread spending cuts we can overcome the obstacle of having an economy. I believe I am the person to finish the job Mr Bush started."

Meanwhile, in what was an apparent answer to Mrs Bachmann's claims, Texas Governor and fellow Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Perry yesterday outlined proposals for wiping out America as a whole.

"One word," said Perry. "Let's have a hanging!"

Image credit. Creative Commons. Flickr. Gage Skidmore.