Asshole You Went to School With Wants to Know If You'd Like Extra Lettuce with That

INDIANAPOLIS - Despite spending most of his teen years being an insufferable prick to you and your friends, an asshole you went to school with would now be interested to know if you'd like extra lettuce with that.

Serving you at Jimmy John's Tuesday, the 27-year-old, who routinely used to spit in your hair during 8th grade biology, stated enthusiastically this afternoon that he would be happy to get you some more napkins.

"How's that Slim 2 working out for you?," inquired the part-time server,

Pro-gun Lobby Calls for State-Level Ban On Schools

WASHINGTON D.C. - Almost a month after a gunman claimed the lives of nearly 30 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, members of a pro-gun group have urged states across the nation to pass tough legislation aimed at banning the use of schools.

Chairman of Capital Arms - a firearms advocacy group in Washington D.C. - Todd Bryant insisted Tuesday that "tragedies like Newtown could have been prevented if kids didn't have such easy access to educational buildings."

Obituary - That Girl You Had That Crush On In High School

That Girl You Had That Crush On In High School, approximately your age, died November 12 at her home in The City She Moved To Which Is Why You Haven't Seen Her In So Long. Known for being far too stunningly, mind-numbingly beautiful to allow you to concentrate on Mr. Jenkins' third period world history class and for whispering snide comments about Mr. Jenkins' ties in the most honey-toned voice you have ever heard in your life, That Girl You Had That Crush On In High School had suffered for the past several years from a heart condition related to the morbid obesity that had replaced the lithe, graceful form that was seared into your memory five mornings a week and to the smoking habit that had caused her once-dulcet voice to sound like a cross between Carol Channing, Harvey Fierstein, and a rusty chainsaw. She is survived by her husband, That Schlub From The Rival High School You Can't Believe She Married, and however many children they had. You were quoted for this report as saying, "Man, I'm old."

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Indiana Mom Prepares Child For His First Full Day of No More Fun

INDIANAPOLIS - With around two weeks to go until the start of school, Indiana mom Annette Nichols is anxiously getting her 6-year-old son ready for his first day of what will ultimately be no more fun.

Enrolling him in classes at Brookside Elementary School in Indianapolis, Nichols, 37, has already accompanied her son, Evan, to a Back to School festival in an effort to teach him that his days of unbridled playtime are set to become increasingly rare as he gets older.

"It's very important that Evan is not just thrown in at the deep end," said Nichols, herself a teacher. "He has to learn that the carefree, toy-filled world he has enjoyed since birth will soon be replaced by laborious amounts of homework and an endless myriad of standardized tests."

"It's hard telling your only son that Spiderman will eventually cease to be the center of his universe," she continued. "But from the moment he steps foot in Brookside, he has to know that disciplined studying and excellent grades take precedent over the hours he currently spends having fun."

Warning Evan that the rest of his life will likely amount to little more than a continuous stream of regimented graft and thankless chores, Nichols has been secretly confiscating her son's adorable collection of Thomas The Tank Engine coloring books.

Image Credit: Fair use.