Desperate Indiana Legislators Move to Salvage Economy Following Release of Peyton Manning

INDIANAPOLIS - Legislators from across Indiana have called an emergency meeting, amid fears that the state's economy could plummet following news that Indianapolis Colts star quarterback Peyton Manning has been released from the team.

Image credit: Barry Bahler. Creative Commons.

Manning, who was the driving force behind the Colts' impressive form throughout the late 2000s, the team's 2008 Super Bowl victory and the state's overall economic stability from 2001 to 2012, confirmed Wednesday that his services are to be utilized elsewhere.

Scrambling around to find a quick-fix solution to the impending fiscal crisis, Congressman Mike Pence told reporters that members of the Indiana General Assembly are quickly drawing up a shortlist of other viable quarterbacks, in the hopes of replacing Manning's obvious collateral draw.

"We've maintained an open dialogue with The Indianapolis Colts to iron out a draft pick that will keep the state's books balanced through the next decade," he said. "To that end, we hope to reach a  decision in the next 48 hours."

Meanwhile, many observers believe that sales of Manning's famous number 18 shirt, Peyton Manning DVDs and game day tickets could see a sharp decline over the next six months, prompting fears that the state-wide economy could tank.

"When you consider the effect Peyton Manning has had on Indiana's gross domestic product, then one thing becomes very clear: we're in big trouble," said House Representative Terry Goodin. "Add to that the fact that our corn is drying out faster, then we could see the entire collapse of Indiana's economy within the next year."

"I'm not kidding," he concluded.

In an effort to curb a potential downturn, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels has introduced a new "give back" initiative aimed at encouraging Hoosiers to "donate all of their Peyton stuff to the state", as plans get underway for the opening of The Peyton Manning Museum.

"We believe that an exhibition charting the history of Peyton Manning will help keep our economy strong in the long run," said the Governor this morning. "Just wait until you see the really neat gift shop."

Eli Manning Keeps Mentioning to Peyton How Great it Feels to Win a Second Super Bowl

INDIANAPOLIS - In the aftermath of his team's dramatic victory at Super Bowl XLVI in Indianapolis, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning can't stop mentioning to older brother and Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton just how good it feels to win his second Super Bowl Championship.

Eli, who has also twice been named Super Bowl MVP, regaled family members - including Peyton - with glimpses of his championship ring - his second in four years.

"Words cannot express how amazing this feels, big brother," said Eli, as Peyton just sat and nodded despondently. "As you yourself know, winning the Super Bowl just once is pretty awesome, but to win it a second time is just... wow."

Eli Manning's team, the New York Giants, defeated the New England Patriots 21-17 in a repeat performance of the 2008 Super Bowl championship game Sunday - with Eli celebrating in front of his family in attendance.

"I'll grant you, the game was mighty close there for a while," he said shortly after the game. "But this was my second appearance at the Super Bowl and I sure as hell wasn't going to mess things up like I know some players might have."

"Doesn't it just sound so good? Eli Manning: two-time MVP; two-time champion."

According to sources close to the Manning family, Eli also spent a good portion of Sunday night reiterating to Peyton how amazing it was to "win the Super Bowl right here in the great city of Indianapolis."      

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Peyton Manning: 'Screw It, I'm Playing'

INDIANAPOLIS - Following the Colts' sixth straight defeat of the season to the Cincinnati Bengals this past Sunday, star quarterback Peyton Manning has told fans: "screw this neck brace, I'm ready to play some football."

Manning, who recently underwent neck surgery for a 5-month-old injury, was forced to endure the 27-17 loss from the stands. After the fourth-quarter, Manning boldly insisted: "I just can't take it any more."

"I don't care what the doctor says," said the 35-year-old. "As soon as week seven hits, I'm getting back on that field and I'm getting it done myself!"

To the bewilderment of other members of the Colts' roster, Manning entered the locker room following Sunday's defeat and declared: "All right, guys! New target date for my return: October 23rd. This Sunday. Against The Saints. Enough is enough."

Despite numerous objections from team members and his family, a pumped up Manning insisted that “even an injured Peyton Manning is a game-changer. I’m not going to wither away in the stands while everyone else drops the ball.”

"Look, guys; the way I see it, we've lost six in a row this season. This would never have happened if I'd been on the field this whole time. You know it, and I know it.”

Though the NFL has strict rules against players taking the field in a semi-crippled condition, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suggested that there may be some wiggle room on the issue.

“Of course our number one priority is player safety. Period.” He said. “But our number two priority is revenue stream. No one is watching the game in our 2012 Superbowl City, and we can’t have that.”

A determined Manning reported for training on Monday, where he signed autographs for hundreds of newly inspired fans. When asked whether or not he would actually play Manning, Head Coach Jim Caldwell responded meekly, “Well, it is Peyton. I’m only his coach. This one is out of my hands.”