Obituary - Joseph Schuster

Joseph Schuster, 58, died October 27 when the "Pumpkin Man" mask he wore to the Halloween party he was hosting proved to be a bit too convincing for a group of neighborhood children led by Scotty Miller, 11. The frightened children attacked Schuster with anything they could find, until Miller concluded that the only way to defeat the "Pumpkin Man" was to sever its head with the chain saw that Schuster had left atop the wood pile he had prepared for his party's bonfire. Services will be held Wednesday evening on the Millers’ front porch, with Schuster providing a candlelight vigil to himself.

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Fewer Trick-Or-Treaters Than 20 Years Ago, Lament Nation's Pedophiles

INDIANAPOLIS - Ahead of this year's Halloween, the nation's pedophiles lamented Monday the relatively low number of children seen trick-or-treating on the streets in recent years.

Recalling a time when groups of young children would freely mobilize between houses in search of candy, sex offenders from across the country laid blame on the media and its "whirlwind of paranoia" for the apparent decline in trick-or-treaters.

"Halloween is not what it was in the early Nineties," the pedophile community agreed today. "I remember back then, parents were not afraid to let their kids roam the streets as they are today."

"From about 1994 onward, Halloween has just deteriorated into a pathetic excuse of a holiday," the collective continued. "It is truly sad how the mainstream media has sensationalized and over-exaggerated the threat posed to children, all in the interest of ratings."

Bizarrely, the widespread discontent among pedophiles was shared this afternoon by the nation's parents, who declared that trick-or-treating "was all the rage back when we ourselves were little".

"It's such a shame that it has come to this," agreed both the nation's parents and sex offenders later this evening.     

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Children's Museum Launches Terrifying 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' Exhibit

INDIANAPOLIS - Ahead of its busy Halloween season this month, The Children's Museum of Indianapolis today piloted a terrifying exhibit in which children were subjected to re-enacted scenes from the movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Offering families a special $5 discount, museum officials said they hoped to put on "an extravaganza that kids could remember for years

Obituary - Wally Fortuna

Wallace G. "Wally" Fortuna, 52, was declared legally dead October 22. Fortuna has been missing since last Halloween, when he was seen leaving a large and raucous costume party--to which he had worn a court jester costume--to visit the home of his friend Montgomery Earl "Monty" Resor to sample a rare and expensive wine that Resor had recently acquired. Resor affirms that he and Fortuna sampled the wine but maintains that he has not seen or heard from Fortuna since. In statements made at the time of Fortuna's disappearance, Resor added that Fortuna failed to fully appreciate the sampled wine and that this was just one of a "thousand injuries" that Fortuna had inflicted upon him in their tumultuous friendship. Based on these suspicious statements, police conducted a wall-to-wall search of Resor's home but found no evidence there connecting Resor with any foul play toward Fortuna. The investigation hit a stone wall after that and has been relegated to a cold case file in a dark and dank file room. Tuesday's legal declaration brings final closure to the case and to Fortuna's family.

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That One Empty Building Suddenly a Halloween Store

INDIANAPOLIS - According to various sources Monday, that one totally empty building downtown - you know, that one right next-door to Great Clips - suddenly became a Halloween store over the weekend. Previously consisting of little more than a dusty interior and two mysterious paint cans, the building, which routinely spends the year utterly unoccupied, was today decked out in a shiny new orange-black color-scheme, with "Halloween City" spelled out across its facade. Though details are few at press time, it is believed that the shop will transition into a red and white Christmas outlet later next month before it is forgotten about for another 10 months.   

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Pumpkin from Last Year's Halloween Still Rotting in Back Yard

LAFAYETTE - Clearing out his yard ahead of a Halloween party later tonight, local man Pete Snetsinger today discovered the rotting remains of a year-old, carved-out pumpkin lying in his garden.

Forgetting all about the faded pumpkin's existence until now, Snetsinger says he was "taken aback" upon lifting up a toppled line of fencing to reveal the putrid husk underneath.

"I swear we put that thing in the trash way back in April," said the 29-year-old. "It's amazing the things you find when you're cleaning up. Eh, I should probably go and take care of this."

More to follow.