Bunch of Stuff Happens

INDIANAPOLIS - Following a period of relative inactivity, a load of stuff happened Friday, generating a great deal of buzz, excitement, fright, sadness, apathy and suspicion among the wide demographic of people who were, in some way, affected by it.

Causing a vast amount of chatter upon its occurrence, a bunch of shit just seemed to happen out of nowhere, prompting reactionary expressions such as "wow", "something's got to be done about this" and "that was so much fun."

Despite the fact that most people will likely soon forget the finer details of what in fact just went down, the things in question were literally being talked about by everyone Tuesday, as word of the stuff quickly spread.

"I just could not believe what I was hearing," said that one guy over there. "One minute I was just minding my own shit when, all of a sudden, some real crazy nonsense started kicking off way over there somewhere. It was certainly something."

Meanwhile, interest in the development is likely to wane once another, instantly accessible thing occurs sometime tomorrow.    

       

Dead Teen Suddenly Most Popular Kid in School

CUMBERLAND - Josh Stasiak, the tragic 13-year-old who was killed in an accident on the corner of Washington St and German Church Rd Wednesday, is suddenly the most popular kid at the school he attended since 2008.

According to sources at West Cumberland Junior High, Stasiak, who was entering his final year at the school, is "in the thoughts" of all those who knew him on a day-to-day basis.

"Josh was just the greatest," said fellow eighth grader and remote acquaintance Louise McGough. "I didn't know him all that good, but he was just an inspiration in everything he did. Everyone really misses him."

According to his grieving mother Maxine, Josh, who routinely failed to touch the lives of those around him while he was alive, would be happy to know that his death has brought him new-found popularity.

"Josh was a quiet kid; never had more than five friends in his whole life," she said. "I wish he'd have lived to see all those kids, who hardly ever said a word to him, hold aloft such nice commemorative banners with Josh's name on the front. He'd have liked that."

Meanwhile, Saturday's funeral service is expected to draw hundreds of Josh's friends, family members and classmates, marking the single largest concentration of genuine interest in the tragic boy's former existence. 
 

Image credit: creative commons. Christian_238

'I'm Totally Crazy' Insists Deeply Unremarkable Teen

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - In an effort to make up for his seeming lack of self-worth and interpersonal skills, local teenager Ben Miles reminded friends today that, deep down, he is totally off the wall.

Though he usually sits awkwardly by himself at parties and social gatherings and generally has a hard time connecting with his vibrant quartet of friends, Miles, 18, continues to insist that he is "one crazy fuck when it comes down to it." 

"My best friend Tommy thinks I'm absolutely nuts," he said, laughing nervously to himself. " And he's right; if I'm not watching really mad films like Being John Malkovich then you can usually find me rocking out to a band like Tenacious D. See, and you thought I was just as normal as the next guy." 

Despite rarely touching the lives of those around him, Miles is also of the incorrect belief that he is "always the person people turn to when they need a good laugh".

"My sense of humor is so out there," continued the deluded teenager. "One minute I might be quoting the latest episode of Family Guy and the next something totally different, like South Park. It's making me laugh just thinking about it." 

Meanwhile, the teenager's own perceived zaniness will be tested this weekend when he and three marginally more exciting friends plan to indulge in a pathetic game of Battlefield 3. 

Image credit: creative commons. Flickr. DavidSpinks.

Local Man's Marriage Beginning to Put Huge Strain on Affair

INDIANAPOLIS - Local man, Benjamin Thomas, insists his marriage to thirty-three-year-old Laura Di Marco is having a "detrimental effect" on his affair with pretty bank clerk, Michelle Hunt. 

Speaking 'off the record' to the Tribune Friday, Thomas revealed that embarking on a three year marriage at the same time as committing to an affair has proved "mentally draining". 

"I know the whole marriage thing isn't fair on Michelle", said Thomas. "She's everything a man could want in a mistress, and for her sake I'm gonna try to end the marriage before it causes my affair to completely fall apart". 

Things had started promisingly for the adulterous couple, who met in a local nightclub in 2006. Together, they opened up a joint bank account and planned a secret life together, until things slowly turned sour.

"Marriage was always going to put a huge strain on my affair," continued Mr. Thomas. "It seemed like a harmless commitment at the time, but it just kind of spiraled out of control after... well, after our honeymoon in Barbados." 

Miss Hunt, who, meanwhile, remains utterly oblivious of the fact that her lover is secretly engaging in marital bliss, nevertheless insisted that "Benjamin has been acting kinda weird recently."  

"I have to be absolutely certain before I make any accusations," she said. "But from the late shifts to the ring-shaped tan-line on his wedding finger, I'm starting to get concerned."

"I really want to confront him, but I guess I'm afraid of what I'll hear.," she continued. 

Mrs Di Marco, meanwhile, has declined to comment on the matter, briefly stating that the last thing she wants to do is drive a wedge between Thomas and his lover.

Image credit: creative commons. megnut

Local Couple Divorce, Blame Kid

FISHERS - The recent divorce of Fishers couple Barbara and Colin Woback was blamed solely on their 5-year-old daughter today, as papers were served at the local courthouse.

After 8 years of marriage, the couple decided to call off their vows two months ago citing irreconcilable differences.

However it came to light this morning that the real motivation for their split was the existence of their bed-wetting and emotionally distant child Stacy.

"Obviously, it's very painful to separate from a person you love so much," said 41-year-old Colin. "But I just want Barbara to know that she is not to blame for any of this; all responsibility lies with our daughter, who was quite frankly just becoming annoying."

Speaking briefly to the Tribune today, Barbara Woback (nee Carlton) said that she and her husband tried on numerous occasions to rekindle the good times they had shared prior to conceiving Stacy, but were pushed to breaking point by the youngster's social dysfunctions.

"She has just been a nightmare from start to finish," said the haggard estate agent. "Not only did we have to change her sheets twice a day, but her disruptive behavior in class meant we were constantly picking her up early from school.

"Because we really didn't want to let out our frustrations on Stacy, Colin and I began directing our anger at each other."

"And the rest is history."

Meanwhile, the estranged couple are set to meet in court again on July 11 to determine who will avoid having to claim custody of the child.

Depressed Woman Turns Life Around Too Far

INDIANAPOLIS - Friends of local woman Nancy Harris say they are proud of the 29-year-old's steely determination to overcome depression, but admit that the new, more confident Nancy is actually more annoying than the needy, self-harming woman of 2 years ago. 

Miss Harris, who struggled for many years with dysthymic disorder, a type of depression characterised by low self esteem, fatigue and troubled eating habits, has followed the advice of her psychologist and various self help books to completely transform herself. 

However, best friend Angela Goodall says Nancy has turned her life around just a little bit too far. "I hate to say it, but the new Nancy is really stuck up", she said. "She used to be really self-depricating and quiet, but all she talks about now is how great her life is. Well, hurray for you, Nancy!". 

Other friends say they are fed up with being told that they should try reading Paul McKenna's Change Your Life in Seven Days and any other such books on combatting low self esteem. 

"Look, I admit it was quite irritating having to put up with her constant suicide threats before", said friend Michael Peach. "But in the last few months she just never shuts up about the wonderful effects of neuro linguistic programming, and how I should try it out. I just hope this is a phase". 

Defending herself this morning, Miss Harris told The Tribune that her friends are "just expressing their own insecurities through the medium of jealousy", but reiterated that "this could be remedied through improving their self images".

Employee of the Month Won't Shut Up About It

INDIANAPOLIS - Having won the 'Employee of the Month' award for October, Mulgrove Computer Services agent Matthew Wilcox just will not shut the hell up about it.

The 43-year-old customer service agent, who won the award for "highest attainment of company call volume goals," continues to slip his recent accolade into team meeting discussions, casual conversation with colleagues and small talk with the company's cleaning staff.

"Did you hear that management is offering time-and-a-half this Saturday?" Asked Wilcox to fellow worker Michelle Bryant. "Also, did I mention that I won Employee of the Month for the first time? It's only a stupid little award, but I get to choose my parking space for the whole of October, which is awesome."

Wilcox has also found every conceivable way to mention his success to customers, as if to assure them that they are speaking to an expert.

"Thank you for calling MCS, my name is Matthew, the company's employee of the month, how can I help you today," said Wilcox at the beginning of his most recent 500 calls. "That's right, they gave me this little award for being the best worker. But that's not important; what matters is you - the customer. So, how can I help you?"

Meanwhile, fellow employees have started to express concern that Wilcox is getting too big for his britches.

"It's getting a bit old now," said colleague Andrea Bentham. "I can understand that Matthew is proud of receiving such an honor, but he just hasn't stopped talking about it in three weeks. I just hope he doesn't win it for November."

Police Charge Teen with Shop-Lifting, Taser

ANDERSON - Local teenager and social menace Darren Scrimshaw was last night arrested and charged with shop-lifting after a staff member at a nearby Target reported that the troubled teen had stolen a handful of computer games from the store. 

Scrimshaw is also thought to have received an additional charge of electric current from an officer's X2 Taser. 

Police were called to the store at 9:43 last night to find that a collection of DVDs had also been taken by the youth. 

"We received a complaint from one of the staff members at Target", said officer Dory Quaid. "So we acted accordingly and tracked down an 18-year-old man who has subsequently been charged with theft and 50,000 volts of electric current". 

Scrimshaw is being held in police custody and has admitted to the charge of shop-lifting. However, reports suggest that Scrimshaw had contested the second charge right up until the moment his muscles contracted and drool began pouring from his limp mouth. 

Image credit: fair use.

Local Woman Is Just Saying

INDIANAPOLIS - Having suggested a course of action that her friend Joanna had obviously hitherto failed to consider, local woman Melanie Bullard insists: "I'm just saying."

Momentarily coming off as an authority on the very topic that she and her 32-year-old best friend were discussing, Ms Bullard said that "what you really need to do is consider the positive side of your actions, rather than dwelling on the negative aspects."

"I'm just saying, that's all," she continued, with a warm laugh. "It'll only benefit you in the long run."

Still unable to get through to Joanna the importance of a healthy viewpoint, Bullard took things a step further by suggesting that "this is only my opinion."

Image credit: Flickr. TStride. Creative commons.

Desperate Baby Opts to Abort Unwanted Parents

NOBLESVILLE - After almost 4 months inside the womb of his mother Madeleine, a desperate unborn fetus today declared his intention to abort both unwanted parents in a swift operation immediately after he is born. 

Baby P, who is now at the end of the first trimester, told the Tribune that he has explored other avenues - such as having Marsha and father Nick adopted out to other babies - but came to the conclusion that parental abortion was the "best option for all parties". 

"This was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make", said Baby P. "But I just didn't plan to have parents at this stage of my life. I'm simply not ready yet". He continued: "Bringing parents into this world requires a huge amount of responsibility and I don't think I'm capable of fulfilling the demanding duties of being a son at this time."

Certain pro-choice groups have welcomed the decision. The Foundation for Independent Babies applauded Baby P for taking such brave steps in the face of growing pressure to keep his parents. However, local pro-life advocates today protested Baby P's decision, with chants of "a parent can feel" ringing out during a small demonstration outside the family's home. 

One activist told the Tribune: "What Baby P is choosing to do is immoral. It doesn't matter if his parents are still in the early mental development stages: they still have the right to choose whether they get to destroy this baby's future or not."

Image credit: Flickr. latedda. Creative Commons.

Local Man Can't Decide if Milk Still Okay

BEECH GROVE - Reaching into his refrigerator at breakfast this morning, local man Jeremy Marshall was unable to tell whether or not a week-old bottle of 1% low fat milk was still okay.

Braveley undoing the top, the 51-year-old accounts consultant from Beech Grove grimaced before reluctantly sniffing the potentially revolting contents of the carton.
"I think it smells okay," he said, taking a second, more confident sniff. "I mean it seems to have that "milky" odor, but then it kind of also smells a bit like putrid tomatoes. Maybe I shouldn't risk it."

Placing the milk back in the fridge for his wife to deal with, Marshall turned to his dry, milkless bowl of Cheerios and briefly pondered the notion of eating the breakfast cereal just as it was.

"No, that would just be weird," he concluded. "I suppose the milk can't be that bad. I mean it's not like it's hard or lumpy or anything; it just smells a bit funny, that's all."

After hesitantly removing the carton from his fridge again, Marshall began the slow, nerve-wracking motion of pouring the milk onto his cereal.

"Well, there are definitely no lumps in it, so that's good," he said breathing a sigh of relief. "Ah, what's the worst that could happen, anyway? If I don't like the first mouthful, I'll just throw the rest away."

Finally digging up the courage to begin eating, Marshall tried to think about something unrelated as he slowly forced the morning meal into his mouth.

"Urgh," he said, suddenly spitting the food back into the bowl. "These Cheerios are stale."

Image credit: creative commons. exfordy

Local Grandma Doesn't Like the Look of those Rain Clouds

INDIANAPOLIS - Staring pensively into the distance, local grandma Betty Godfrey says she does not like the look of those dark clouds over there, insisting: "they look like they're headed right this way." 

Embarking on a weekend outing with her son Robert, daughter-in-law Sophie and her two grandchildren, the 81-year-old retiree hypothesized that "this could only happen to the Godfrey family," as a formation of dark, stratocumulus clouds hovered menacingly over the family's intended destination. 

"It's just like us to pick a rainy day to go for a drive," she said. "I knew I should have packed a rain coat." 

Seemingly oblivious to the fact that no one else present shared her undying pessimism, Mrs Godfrey proceeded to compare the current forecast with that of July 1957, which, as far she could recall, was "the most horrific storm I can remember." 

"Did I ever tell you how bad that storm was?", she asked for the 79th time. "The water came all the way up to our knees. It was just awful." 

Reluctant to get into the family vehicle in such "God-awful weather," Miss Godfrey eventually settled into the back seat next to her two grandchildren, whom she continuously encouraged to "wrap up warm."

Local Man Still Not Sure Whether Appropriate to Say 'Fuck' Around In-Laws

PLYMOUTH - Despite marrying his long-term girlfriend Amanda over six months ago, Plymouth resident Calvin Dembry is still unsure whether or not it is acceptable for him to use the word "fuck" around his in-laws.

"They're both pretty liberal people, but it's difficult to tell whether they would be okay with me dropping the f-bomb during conversation," he said. "There have been moments when it kind of seemed appropriate - like during the Colts' opening game when Mike (Amanda's dad) was swearing like crazy at the TV - but, eh, I just don't know."

Dembry, 42, recently summoned up the courage to utter softer cuss words, such as 'damn' and 'bastard', which didn't seem to cause "too much of an issue."

"Some words just naturally come out when you're speaking," he continued. "I accidentally said the word "hell" once and they were apparently down with that. I just wonder how open they would be to phrases such as 'shithead' and 'cunt-flaps.'"

Dembry insists he was further tempted to introduce an expletive into the dynamics of the cross-family relationship when he and his in-laws sat down for a game of Scrabble this past weekend.

"It was the perfect opportunity. I had the letters R, K, F, S, U, C, E and the word "mother" was already perfectly placed on the board. I almost did it, but something inside of me said "they might not be cool with this". I went with "sucker" for 12 points."

Dembry has vowed to end the tension once and for all this coming Friday by strategically inserting the phrase "fucking retards" into a conversation about the Republican Party Presidential nominees.

Man Forced to Name Son Spiderman After Facebook Fan Page Reaches 1,000,000 Members

INDIANAPOLIS - A local Facebook user is cursing his luck after his Facebook fan page - 'If 1,000,000 people join I'll name my kid Spiderman' - today reached 1,000,000 members.

Justin Kowalski of Indianapolis says he initially set up the group as a joke, never expecting more than 50 people to show any interest in it. But within a week of its inception, the group had garnered 150,000 members, and its small mention in the Indianapolis Star propelled its membership to as high as 600,000 just days later.

"I could not believe it", said Kowalski. "Here I was thinking no one but my friends would even notice the damn thing, when all of a sudden three quarters of a million people had liked the page. I soon realized I was probably going to have to follow through with my promise".

Kowalski's wife Molly is said to be furious at her husband, not least because she had always planned to name their son after her late father Eric, a man she held very dear.

"My father meant so much to me", she said. "This was supposed to be a way of carrying on his legacy. Now we have no choice but to name our son after a stupid comic book character".

Since receiving word that his fan page had broken the 1 million barrier, Kowalski has 'pleaded' with members to forget they ever joined the page and to let him call the baby something else.

"It's pretty hard to convince some of my most loyal followers", he said. "Perhaps they'll let me get away with using Spiderman as his middle name instead".

This is not the first time a Facebook user has tried to achieve such a feat: in 2007, a British man placed a bet that he could find 1 million people who would disapprove of 'I-Bet-I-Can-Find-1,000,000-People-Who' type fan pages, while one desperate woman's assertion that she could find 1 million men 'who'd like to screw her' backfired when even her boyfriend at the time refused to join the group.

Image credit: composite from creative commons.

Unruly Child Swears it Wasn't Him this Time

NOBLESVILLE - Despite his track record for causing mischief, Noblesville child Justin Pearson absolutely swears that it wasn't him this time. 

The eight-year-old troublemaker moved to defend himself after younger brother Timothy charged that little Justin had forcibly removed the head from one of his Marvel Comic action figures. 

"I didn't do it," he said, bowing his head to the ground. "I know I've done stuff like that before, but I swear to God it wasn't me this time." 

The validity of the youngster's denial, however, was brought into question when long-suffering mother Georgina discovered the snapped bust of Captain America lying next to a chisel on Justin's bedroom floor. 

"But, Mum...", continued the calculating little brat. "I don't know how it got there, but I promise it wasn't me." 

"You've got to believe me." 

In an elaborate effort to convince his family that the toy probably just fell onto the chisel or something, Justin proceeded to re-enact the entire scenario by repeatedly dropping a Mr Fantastic action figure onto the destructive tool below. 

"Why does no one believe me?", he said, hurling the Hasbro toy at the adjacent bedroom wall. "No one ever believes me in this house." 

Meanwhile, it has also been revealed that his sister's missing collection of Harry Potter bobbleheads have turned up in several pieces under the tear-away's mattress.

Image credit: creative commons. MiikaS

Bachmann: I Will Put an End to The Economy

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - US Congresswoman and Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann has said that, as president, she will be ready from day one to put an end to the economy of the United States.

Speaking at a campaign rally in her home state of Minnesota, Mrs Bachmann outlined her fiscal agenda, insisting that her administration would dramatically cut government spending and refuse to increase taxes in an effort to plunge the United States into the lowest depths of total financial ruin.

"There are a lot of contenders out there who think they have a plan for fixing our economy," said Bachmann. "But I will go one better than my competitors. I will make sure that we no longer have an economy left to fix."

Bachmann told an 800-strong crowd that she would slash funding for the arts, as well as "other frivolous entities," such  as public transportation and education and would lower taxes for the country's highest earners.

"President Bush showed us all that through generous tax breaks, trillion dollar war chests and widespread spending cuts we can overcome the obstacle of having an economy. I believe I am the person to finish the job Mr Bush started."

Meanwhile, in what was an apparent answer to Mrs Bachmann's claims, Texas Governor and fellow Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Perry yesterday outlined proposals for wiping out America as a whole.

"One word," said Perry. "Let's have a hanging!"

Image credit. Creative Commons. Flickr. Gage Skidmore.

Report: Churches to Outnumber Christians by 2035

INDIANAPOLIS - According to a study conducted by the United States Census Bureau, the number of Churches located in Indiana is likely to become higher than the state's total number of Christians by the year 2035.

The findings, which were gathered over the past six months, found that the number of churches - from across all branches of the Christian faith - has increased at a record rate during the past 25 years and is expected to see exponential growth over the next two and half decades.

"By the end of the 2020s, every street in the Midwest will have 5 times as many churches as houses," said researcher Carla Bainbridge. "When you consider that a lot of these churches will also double up as houses, you start to see the scale of the church expansion."

In further findings, it has been revealed that buildings belonging to the United Methodist Church had already overtaken the denomination's number of followers as early as 2005, while members of The Christian Church are likely to be outnumbered by their places of worship by 2014.

"I'm overjoyed with this report," said Church of God devotee, Angela Mills. "It means that my grandchildren will have plenty of choice over where to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. God bless America."

Despite these findings, however, it is widely expected that all religious buildings across the entire state will eventually be overtaken by the state's sheer number of Starbucks coffeehouses.

Image Credit. Flickr. The Consumerist.

Hummer Totally on Guy's Ass for, Like, the Last 2 Miles

CARMEL - According to reports from the driver's side of a silver Buick Century, that damn Hummer has been on local man Jeff Foggerty's ass for, like, at least the last 2 miles.

Even though Foggerty is himself marginally over the speed limit, the jackass in his rear view mirror clearly wants to play hardball and he should just back the eff off already.

"What, does he think I can go any faster than this?," exclaimed an incredulous Foggerty. "You're just going to have to wait your turn, mister. Ain't no getting 'round me until the interstate, buster."

According to reports, the Hummer's dickwad of a driver is getting damn-near bumper-to-bumper with Foggerty's vehicle while repeatedly flashing his brights, as if this will make Foggerty go any faster.

Further reports suggest that Shit-For-Brains back there had better be ready to pay out of his insurance if Foggerty needs to slam on his brakes at any point. In fact, it would be sweet fucking revenge to just slam on his brakes regardless, just to teach that prick a real lesson.

Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

INDIANAPOLIS - The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest  ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God - hosting a gathering of elite deities - knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon.

"It was crazy," said Vishnu, the Hindu God. "I'm pretty sure that at one point He had three drinks in His hand. He was already wasted by 8 o'clock."

With God expected to wake up later this afternoon, the state of Indiana is bracing itself for its worst rainfall in 50 years, prompting fears of mass flooding across the predominantly flat state.

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting over the reasons for God's recent behavior, with many fearing that the global economic crisis and ongoing conflicts around the world are beginning to take their toll on His Lordship.

In any event, several states across the Midwest have preemptively declared a state of emergency after rumors emerged early this morning that God had also consumed six White Castle "crave cases" during a momentary bout of late night hunger.

God Gay

In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the "steamy and tumultuous relationship" He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover's identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin - something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning.

"I have to put the record straight on homosexuality", he said. "The amount of times I hear that being gay is sinful, immoral or unnatural. If you're so hung up on homosexuality being unnatural then quit with your tanning beds and your hair dye!".

He continued: "I am not going to hide in the closet any longer! Either you accept me for who I am or...or...I'll send you all to Hell!"

Just hours after God's incredible revelation, it has been reported that thousands of divorce papers have been filed by Christians seeking to explore the gay relationships they have spent many years pretending not to want.

In a heart-warming moment, talk-show host Rush Limbaugh was today photographed joyfully walking through Central Park holding hands with a 17-year-old boy, while presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann has reportedly been approached to perform "a raunchy photoshoot for Qr Magazine."

"If being gay is God's will, then I am truly proud to call myself gay", said Mr Limbaugh. "After all, the good lord is deep inside all of us".

Meanwhile, amid the ensuing chaos following God's announcement, 47 of the 50 American States say they would consider state-wide bans on straight marriage, while adoption agencies across the western world have received a 10,000% increase in the volume of incoming calls.

Image credit: public domain.

Indy Tribune Articles Featured on 'Nearly the News'

Gaining further recognition for its outstanding contribution to news, The Indy Tribune was referenced on this week's edition of Nearly The News.