God Privately Admits He Doesn't Have Plan for Disabled Boy

HEAVEN - Speaking off-the-record Friday, the Lord God privately admitted that he did not have a concrete plan for local disabled boy Dwight Bowers, who was born paralyzed from the waist down.

Even though the excitable 6-year-old is routinely assured by his parents Kathryn and Edward that God is watching over him, The Almighty Father indicated that He

Richard Mourdock's Senate Campaign in Disarray As God Comes Out as Pro Choice

INDIANAPOLIS - The senate campaign of Indiana's leading Republican candidate, Richard Mourdock, is reportedly in disarray Tuesday after the Almighty Father in Heaven identified himself as pro-choice. 

God's stance on the issue of abortion comes as a particular blow to Mr. Mourdock, who insisted during Tuesday's senatorial debate that "rape pregnancies are God's will".

Obituary - Joel Osteen

Televangelist, author, and pastor Joel Osteen, 49, died October 8 in his Houston home. His widow, Victoria Osteen, issued a statement in which she said that God had "called Joel home." When reached for comment, God had a different perspective. "That wasn't exactly it," said God. "I just finally got sick of listening to that guy prattling on about how I supposedly want everybody to have a big house and a nice car, if they just believe in Me hard enough--and send him money, of course." The Lord added, "I mean, did that guy even read anything I had people write down? Yet day in and day out, he'd be there behind that oily smile, telling thousands of people who attended his megachurch or watched his TV show or read his books that I'm not much more than a big Rich Uncle in the sky. Oh my Self, that was annoying! It was like a snake oil salesman and a pyramid scheme huckster had a love child, and tried to make it okay by wrapping it all up in a big Me-shaped diaper. Well, I finally just got sick of it and smote the guy. Felt good--I haven't done a proper smiting in a long time." When asked whether the departed soul of Mr. Osteen were available for comment, God replied, "Oh well, um, this is a little awkward. Let's just say you'd have to reach him at a different address."

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God Puts Global Warming on Hold for A Few Days

INDIANAPOLIS - As temperatures dropped Tuesday to a low of 39° F across the Midwest, God announced that global warming will be put on hold for a few days, while he just tests out a few things.

Eager to continue the mild fall-winter transition that Hoosiers saw in 2011, The Almighty said that residents in Indiana could expect to see no more than fourteen days of decreased temperatures, insisting that global warming will recommence in earnest on or around October 20.

"I'm just tweaking the climate a little at the minute," said God. "I've heard a lot of people complaining about the cold recently, but let me assure everyone that temperatures will return to an unseasonably high level in a couple of weeks."

"I just need everyone to be patient while I get this stuff done."

Meanwhile, it was reported Monday that ice sheets covering 660,000 square miles of Greenland have temporarily ceased melting as a result of God's handiwork.

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Televangelist Knows That You Too Can Fully Submit Your Salary to The Lord

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO - In a sweeping address before a live congregation and thousands watching at home Wednesday, televangelist Pastor Arnold Friedrich insisted that, like him, you too can find the path to everlasting light, so long as you are prepared to fully submit your annual earnings to the Lord. Referencing Matthew 7:7, Friedrich said "ask and it will be given you: search, and you will find; hand over $37,000 and the God will love you forever." As of press time, more than 200 members of Friedrich's congregation say that they have learned to fully accept the Lord God into their bank account.

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Obituary - Georgina Toller

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Image credit: stevendepolo

Georgina Toller, 38, died September 9 at IU Health Methodist Hospital following a long bout with bone cancer. "God must have needed another angel," said Toller's daughter Melinda, 20. God, when interviewed, confirmed this to be the case. "We've had some real staff shortages up here," reported the Creator of the Universe. "Angels don't wear out, but with the population of Heaven getting bigger all the time we need more service staff to keep up." The Eternal One added, "Sure, I could just create more angels. But it's a lot easier to promote one of you." When asked why Ms. Toller had to endure such a painful death rather than--for example--dying peacefully in her sleep, The Supreme Being said, "Well, the ones with the lingering, excruciatingly agonizing deaths make better angels. They're grateful for even the most menial Heavenly jobs." With a wink and a finger pistol gesture, the Merciful One added, "Besides, hey, sometimes that's just how I roll."

God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

INDIANAPOLIS - Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God's emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was "carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that "God told me it was the right thing to do."

"I stand over you all today to protest my innocence in this most recent and appalling tragedy," declared God this morning. "I am not, in any way, affiliated with Mr. Calzone and it is quite clear that the lying shithead carried out the murder all by himself."

"I cannot stress this enough. I had nothing to do with it."

Calzone is set to go on trial on August 24, where he will make the case that he had acted upon the word of God during the July 11 shooting at his family home. Despite these allegations, however, God - who is set to give evidence at the trial - insisted that he had never once been in contact with the suspect.

"I vehemently refute Mr. Calzone's claim that I spoke to him every night prior to this awful tragedy, or that I told him to buy a semi-automatic weapon and offload six rounds into his family," continued the Heavenly Father. "I repeat: I have never corresponded with this awful man. Period."

God insisted that he will do everything in his considerable power to help investigators bring Calzone to justice, stating: "I'm even willing to testify under oath," he concluded. "That is, if the court will permit me to swear on my own Bible."

Agnostics Still Undecided Ahead of 2012 Deity Election

JERUSALEM - With the 2012 Deity Election just four months away, a recent poll by the Celestial Examiner has found that 78% of Agnostics are still undecided as to which divine entity they will vote for.

Candidates from the four major religions will contest November's election, with Christianity's Jehovah just edging in the polls ahead of Allah of the Islamic faith, Vishnu of Hinduism and Buddha.

"I really don't know who to vote for," said lifelong Agnostic, Samantha Jameson. "Part of me has kind of lost interest in religious practices, but another part really likes Jehovah's stance on family-oriented issues such as marriage and parenthood."

"I even like some of Allah's policies too, though I'm not so sure about his stance on women's rights. Perhaps, I'll vote for Buddha. He seems pretty genuine."

Campaigning on behalf of the Christian faith in the Holy Land of Jerusalem Wednesday, campaign manager, Jesus Christ, insisted that the election outcome could be swayed by the voting choices of agnostics, most of whom have yet to decide on a candidate.

"Everyday on the campaign trail, myself, the Heavenly Father and our fellow Christians are reaching out to all Agnostics up and down the planet," said Mr. Christ. "Why should you vote for us? Well, if you believe that women should not be stoned to death for adultery, if you believe that man should be allowed to eat pork as he chooses, then we are the religion for you."

"Plus, we've got a talking snake."

Meanwhile, this year's election is widely expected to see its lowest voter turn-out for more than a thousand years, after a record number of Atheists declared their intention to not vote.      

God Takes 2-Week Vacation, Leaves United Nations in Charge

HEAVEN - Taking a much needed break from the rigors of managing the planet Earth, which He has ruled over with omnipotence since its creation at the dawn of time, His Lordship Almighty God has reportedly taken a 2-week vacation, leaving representatives from the United Nations in temporary charge in his absence.

Retreating to one of his favorite destinations within the constellation of Ursa Minor, God is believed to have left behind a detailed work plan for member states of the UN, delegating work among Peacekeepers, aid workers and environmental watchdogs.

Image credit: World Economic Forum. Creative Commons.

"I'll be gone until around May 6," wrote God on a post-it note to UN General Secretary Ban Ki Moon. "Please, please, whatever you do, don't let the nation of Swaziland go without food again. Oh, and keep an eye on Syria will you? That pesky little country has been getting away with murder these past few months. Okay, gotta run. Pray if you need anything."

Members of The United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) have been placed in temporary command of disaster relief efforts in the event that a nation is struck down by a natural disaster during God's absence.

"I know that you've never been handed this kind of responsibility before," continued God in an email to the head of OCHA. "But if a powerful Earthquake rips through, for example, the streets of Istanbul, I need you guys to be on the ball. No dicking around. Understood?"

"I'm serious," he continued.

Meanwhile, leaving a parting message for UN Peacekeepers, God warned on-hand officials not to be bullied into letting America have its way with the nations of Iran, Syria and Pakistan.

"Even if they tell you it was my will," concluded God, "don't let the yanks start another highly unpopular war in the Middle East. It would make Thursday's dinner with Allah extremely uncomfortable. Okay, I'm really going now. Have fun!"  

God Trades Tim Tebow to The Jets

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In an unexpected move Wednesday, Almighty God negotiated a deal with the Denver Broncos to trade quarterback Tim Tebow - one of the Lord's most ardent followers - to the New York Jets.

Tebow, who was released from The Bronco's roster following the team's acquisition of former Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, was made aware of the trade-off yesterday morning in a brief conversation with "the big man upstairs."

"It is my calling," said the 24-year-old. "The Lord spoke to me and told me to forget about heading down to Florida; you're heading to NYC, baby!"

Additionally, God is reportedly in heavy negotiations with both the Broncos and The Jets to finalize Tebow's $5m salary advances.

However, while offering his undying gratitude to The Almighty, Tebow insisted that he's not thinking about the financial rewards, stating that "being part of a team and challenging for honors" is what it's all about.


"For me, it was never about the money," he said. "It was just about staying true to The Almighty and trusting in Him. If he says I should be locked into a $70m 5-year contract, who am I to argue?"

God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies

HEAVEN - In what proved a serious concern for the International Community Saturday, unconfirmed sources described how His Lordship Almighty God has "really been getting into the disaster movie genre recently," adding: "He's watched Twister, like, 8 times in the last month."

Even though disaster films are typically criticized for their lack of artistic merit, God keeps inviting other deities over to watch mindless popcorn thrillers that depict impending doom to various branches of the human race, said a spokesman.

"Just last night, The Almighty sat down and watched The Day After Tomorrow with a couple of His mythical buddies," said the spokesman. "Upon viewing the scene where New York City gets completely frozen over, I think his words were "wow, that's freaking awesome.""

"He even played the scene back three or four times."

According to earlier reports, God is alleged to have uttered positive statements about the scene in the film Earthquake where the Mulholland Dam collapses, killing two central characters and a number of extras.

"Yes, He gets a real kick out of that part," said another spokesperson. "He honestly gets so into these films that it's starting to become an obsession. All the way through Twister, he kept asking: "how do they make that tornado look so realistic? I want to know. I want to know."

Meanwhile, in a brief statement Saturday, God responded to speculation that the destructive tsunami that devastated eastern Japan last year was directly influenced by scenes in the film Deep Impact.

"Oh Dear Lord, no," He said. "Last year, my movie-watching experience comprised largely of Adam Sandler comedies. The whole Japan thing came about because... well, because it was too cool not to come about."

God Quietly Blessing Other Nations

HEAVEN - According to celestial insiders and various mythical figures, His Lordship and Creator of All Things, Almighty God has been quietly blessing nations other than the United States of America.

Even though much of His time - which is widely believed to be infinite in length - is spent blessing the fifty states, it was reported that God has sought to anoint several other countries, with unconfirmed reports that Norway, Latvia and the small island of Tuvalu were recently delivered from evil.

Meanwhile, following an analysis of the top ten most economically stable nations in the world, rumors have circulated that Luxembourg too has been enshrined by The Lord as a beacon of prosperity across the globe.

"He just doesn't have the heart to tell America," said an anonymous insider. "After the rough decade that the U.S. has endured at both home and abroad, He thought it better not to say anything - at least until things calm down."

Many analysts believe that God may have been blessing other nations for decades. The nation of Germany is thought to be widely indebted to God following its 50-year economic recovery following World War II as well as its ultimate re-unification in 1990, and, according to 71% of the population of modern day Kosovo, the now independent country was itself freed by God.

With a large sect of the U.S. population still under the impression that their country enjoys a special place in God's plans, many Americans are set to remain blissfully unaware of His Lordship's other consecrations.

However, close to 2 million citizens residing in the hurricane-battered, oil-poluted state of Louisiana are believed to be catching on.      

Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

INDIANAPOLIS - The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest  ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God - hosting a gathering of elite deities - knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon.

"It was crazy," said Vishnu, the Hindu God. "I'm pretty sure that at one point He had three drinks in His hand. He was already wasted by 8 o'clock."

With God expected to wake up later this afternoon, the state of Indiana is bracing itself for its worst rainfall in 50 years, prompting fears of mass flooding across the predominantly flat state.

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting over the reasons for God's recent behavior, with many fearing that the global economic crisis and ongoing conflicts around the world are beginning to take their toll on His Lordship.

In any event, several states across the Midwest have preemptively declared a state of emergency after rumors emerged early this morning that God had also consumed six White Castle "crave cases" during a momentary bout of late night hunger.

God Gay

In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the "steamy and tumultuous relationship" He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover's identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin - something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning.

"I have to put the record straight on homosexuality", he said. "The amount of times I hear that being gay is sinful, immoral or unnatural. If you're so hung up on homosexuality being unnatural then quit with your tanning beds and your hair dye!".

He continued: "I am not going to hide in the closet any longer! Either you accept me for who I am or...or...I'll send you all to Hell!"

Just hours after God's incredible revelation, it has been reported that thousands of divorce papers have been filed by Christians seeking to explore the gay relationships they have spent many years pretending not to want.

In a heart-warming moment, talk-show host Rush Limbaugh was today photographed joyfully walking through Central Park holding hands with a 17-year-old boy, while presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann has reportedly been approached to perform "a raunchy photoshoot for Qr Magazine."

"If being gay is God's will, then I am truly proud to call myself gay", said Mr Limbaugh. "After all, the good lord is deep inside all of us".

Meanwhile, amid the ensuing chaos following God's announcement, 47 of the 50 American States say they would consider state-wide bans on straight marriage, while adoption agencies across the western world have received a 10,000% increase in the volume of incoming calls.

Image credit: public domain.