Obama Set To Formally Accept That He Just Might Have to Endure Another 4 Years of This Shit

CHARLOTTE, NC - President Barack Obama will address the Democratic National Convention Thursday, where he is expected to formally accept that he must see out another four years of this shit.

Mr Obama, who stormed to the presidency in 2008, will head into November's election reluctantly seeking to defeat Republican challenger Mitt Romney to secure a second thankless and fucking miserable term in office.

"Barack is not at all looking forward to the challenge ahead," said Obama's wife, Michelle, in her own address to the DNC Tuesday.

"Even though cross-party bickering and unjustified conservative resentment will likely grow over the next four years, my husband is nonetheless sort of slightly ready to take on the responsibility of leading this great country once more. I guess."  

"But, for what it's worth, he really doesn't want to."

Just knowing that Republicans will be more determined than ever in the coming years to paint him as a tyrannical socialist Nazi with secret ties to al Qaeda, Obama is believed to be highly reluctant to see this "complete mind-fuck of a presidency" through, but will likely do it for "the good of his party."

Meanwhile, asked if he would be ready from day one to lead America forward, Mr Obama was himself unequivocal in his response this morning: "I've fucking had it."

Scrabble Player Disappointed to Find That 'Vagina' Only Worth 11 Points

BLOOMINGTON - Sitting down to a round of the popular board game Scrabble with two of his fellow dorm residents, Indiana University student Brent Saddler was disappointed to discover Monday that the word "vagina" yielded a pretty dismal return of just 11 points.

Image credit: Flickr. craigfinlay.

Initially impressed at his seeming ability to construct the word out of what seemed to be a problematic combination of letters, the 20-year-old Performing Arts major spawned enthusiastic chuckles among fellow players Jeremiah and Lindsey.

However, upon calculating the score for the 6-letter word, which he had adjoined to the existing word "regular", Saddler is reported to have ceased laughing - realizing only too late that he could have gained more points simply by placing the letters G-L-A-Z-E before the final letter of the word "thanked".

"Damn it," he cursed. "How on Earth does "vagina" not get me, like, 78 points? Shouldn't I get 50 points just for using a dirty word?"

"This game sucks ass."

Meanwhile, setting himself back a potential 10 points, Saddler nevertheless rounded off his participation by rattling off the word "dickfingers" for a questionable, if fucking hilarious 22 points.

Local Man Still Not Sure Whether Appropriate to Say 'Fuck' Around In-Laws

PLYMOUTH - Despite marrying his long-term girlfriend Amanda over six months ago, Plymouth resident Calvin Dembry is still unsure whether or not it is acceptable for him to use the word "fuck" around his in-laws.

"They're both pretty liberal people, but it's difficult to tell whether they would be okay with me dropping the f-bomb during conversation," he said. "There have been moments when it kind of seemed appropriate - like during the Colts' opening game when Mike (Amanda's dad) was swearing like crazy at the TV - but, eh, I just don't know."

Dembry, 42, recently summoned up the courage to utter softer cuss words, such as 'damn' and 'bastard', which didn't seem to cause "too much of an issue."

"Some words just naturally come out when you're speaking," he continued. "I accidentally said the word "hell" once and they were apparently down with that. I just wonder how open they would be to phrases such as 'shithead' and 'cunt-flaps.'"

Dembry insists he was further tempted to introduce an expletive into the dynamics of the cross-family relationship when he and his in-laws sat down for a game of Scrabble this past weekend.

"It was the perfect opportunity. I had the letters R, K, F, S, U, C, E and the word "mother" was already perfectly placed on the board. I almost did it, but something inside of me said "they might not be cool with this". I went with "sucker" for 12 points."

Dembry has vowed to end the tension once and for all this coming Friday by strategically inserting the phrase "fucking retards" into a conversation about the Republican Party Presidential nominees.