NPR Coverage of Petraeus Affair Interrupted by Annoying, Irrelevant Report on Syria Slaughter

WASHINGTON D.C. - National Public Radio came under attack from various sections of the mainstream media Tuesday, after its scheduled coverage of the ongoing General David Petreaus affair was bizarrely interrupted by an in-depth report on the most recent and non-news-worthy slaughter in Syria.

Insisting that NPR "ignored its duty to prioritize information that was very much in the public interest", a spokesperson for CNN said that "it was extremely irresponsible (of NPR) to give violence in Damascus such overwhelming attention at the expense of letting the American people know how one of our most decorated generals cheated on his wife of 38 years."

"NPR really dropped the ball on this one," continued the spokesperson. "What is news-journalism coming to when filler material about 350 dead non-Americans is scheduled ahead of investigative reports into the life and background of Petraeus' mistress, Paula Broadwell?"

"The American public have a right to know about these things."

Airing a pointless, 15-minute critique of the al-Asaad regime, after only a cursory look into General Petraeus' subsequent feelings of guilt and regret, National Public Radio, says Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, "compromised 42 years of integrity."

"Folks, this is what your tax dollars are being spent on: lazy, dumbed-down reporting that masquerades as news," said Smith. "The American people don't need to be bombarded with images of devastated city squares, or Syria's fatality statistics. Especially when we're just now getting word that FBI agents have entered Miss Broadwell's home. You heard me right, folks: they have entered Miss Broadwell's home."      

Responding to the controversy, meanwhile, NPR officials drew further ire this afternoon when it was announced that crucial statements set to be given by Petraeus' wife, Holly, Wednesday would follow an hour-long report into the "uninspiring and outdated" topic of climate change.         

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Local Man's Marriage Beginning to Put Huge Strain on Affair

INDIANAPOLIS - Local man, Benjamin Thomas, insists his marriage to thirty-three-year-old Laura Di Marco is having a "detrimental effect" on his affair with pretty bank clerk, Michelle Hunt. 

Speaking 'off the record' to the Tribune Friday, Thomas revealed that embarking on a three year marriage at the same time as committing to an affair has proved "mentally draining". 

"I know the whole marriage thing isn't fair on Michelle", said Thomas. "She's everything a man could want in a mistress, and for her sake I'm gonna try to end the marriage before it causes my affair to completely fall apart". 

Things had started promisingly for the adulterous couple, who met in a local nightclub in 2006. Together, they opened up a joint bank account and planned a secret life together, until things slowly turned sour.

"Marriage was always going to put a huge strain on my affair," continued Mr. Thomas. "It seemed like a harmless commitment at the time, but it just kind of spiraled out of control after... well, after our honeymoon in Barbados." 

Miss Hunt, who, meanwhile, remains utterly oblivious of the fact that her lover is secretly engaging in marital bliss, nevertheless insisted that "Benjamin has been acting kinda weird recently."  

"I have to be absolutely certain before I make any accusations," she said. "But from the late shifts to the ring-shaped tan-line on his wedding finger, I'm starting to get concerned."

"I really want to confront him, but I guess I'm afraid of what I'll hear.," she continued. 

Mrs Di Marco, meanwhile, has declined to comment on the matter, briefly stating that the last thing she wants to do is drive a wedge between Thomas and his lover.

Image credit: creative commons. megnut