Obituary - Audrey Campos

Audrey Campos, 45, died January 6 in her Indianapolis home. Ms. Campos, known among her friends for her disdain of forwarded emails and viral Facebook posts, died when she suddenly became ill from a variety of deadly and fast-acting pathogens that had been drawn into the previously-cut onion that she sliced onto her lunch sandwich. The Marion County Coroner's office reports that her system was already severely weakened by poisoning from the chlorine in the baby-cut carrots she ate with her lunch, the formaldehyde in the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser she used to clean up her dishes, the lead in the lipstick she applied afterward, and the mercury from the single CFL lightbulb she dropped and cleaned up. Tragically, Ms. Campos had only narrowly escaped death earlier that day when a group of gang initiates threw eggs at her car windshield so they could rob and murder her. The miscreants' aim was poor, though, and the eggs only blocked her vision 78.3% rather than the potential 92.5%. She was therefore still able to see well enough to drive home. "It's a real tragedy," reported Ms. Campos' high school classmate and Facebook friend Carrie Walters. "If only she'd taken all my posts at face value like I do, instead of applying all that 'reasoning' and 'discernment' nonsense, she might still be alive."

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Word 'Belated' Now Only Used In Birthday Messages

BLOOMINGTON - It was revealed Monday by linguistic professors at Indiana University that the word "belated" - an adjective whose origins can been traced back to the year 1610 - is now only used in birthday messages.

The word, which is typically applied in phrases such as "happy belated birthday", is estimated to

Male Facebook User Skips Past All of Attractive Woman's Cat Pictures

INDIANAPOLIS - Drawn to an alluring profile picture of an attractive work acquaintance named Danielle, Indianapolis man Mark Vasey subconsciously skipped past all of the 24-year-old's cat pictures Saturday.

Initially clicking on her latest profile picture, which shows the young marketing consultant lounging by a swimming pool in nothing but a

Obituary - Leonard Rawlings' Social Life

Leonard Rawlings' Social Life, 36, died October 2 in Rawlings' home following a protracted illness. "I knew it was bad," reported a dejected Rawlings, "but when people started 'liking' my posts explaining that I couldn't make it to their events, that's when I knew it was really the end." Rawlings reports his social life expired quietly later that night, with only Rawlings by its side. Rawlings plans a very, very, very private memorial service at home over the weekend.

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Unfriended Facebook User Can't Help Wondering If It Was Something She Posted

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ANGOLA, IN - Upon noticing Thursday that her number of Facebook friends had decreased from a sizable 648 friends to 647, Facebook user Michelle Morgan couldn't help but wonder if it was something she posted.

Skimming through her list of Facebook friends, Miss Morgan pondered for more than five minutes who it was that took the decisive action to distance themselves from Morgan's online persona, and, furthermore, what she might have done to upset them.

"I wonder if they were offended by that Huffington Post article about Mitt Romney's growing disconnect from the electorate that I shared the other day," she said. "I can certainly see my Aunt Josephine taking offense to that. Oh, but wait, she's still on my friend list."

"I guess I do have some devoutly Christian friends who just might not approve of cuss words, but most of them swear more than I do. I just wish I knew."

Tempted to cycle through her entire list to see if any names stand out as missing, the 29-year-old also speculated that "perhaps it's just someone I've not spoken to since school."

"I mean, it's certainly possibly that Bethany Andrews unfriended me. Not in a mean way or anything, just because she and I have not talked in, well, fifteen years. Ah, no; she just popped in my news feed. Who the heck was it?"

Wondering if perhaps one her friends simply deleted their profile, or had their account compromised, Morgan finally stopped caring after her best friend Monica shared a cute picture of a cat sleeping inside a sink.

Obama Changes Relationship Status to 'It's Complicated' Just to Shit With Everyone

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WASHINGTON D.C. - In what was intended as a light-hearted prank Monday, President Obama logged into Facebook and changed his relationship status to "it's complicated" just to shit with people.

In an apparent effort to defuse cross-party political tension, Mr Obama temporarily removed all mention of his marriage to First Lady Michelle Obama, allowing his new relationship status to show up in the news feeds of approximately 28 million Facebook users.

"It was just a harmless goof," said Mr Obama in a press conference this afternoon. "The best part was reading all of the comments on my timeline right after I did it. It was freaking hilarious."

"Everyone was, like, "shouldn't you have waited until after the election to announce this sort of thing?" Damn, that shit was funny."

The edit is reported to have garnered upward of 1.3 million likes, with a high percentage of these appearing to come from users who subscribe to Obama's presidential rival Mitt Romney.

It is believed, however, that Obama's prank may not have resonated with his wife Michelle, who is thought to have taken "the whole thing to heart."

"Needless to say, I am extremely disappointed with Barack," said Mrs Obama in a short statement. "How would he like it if I removed The Audacity of Hope from my "favorite books" or, better yet, stopped liking his Fan Page?"

"I'll let him think about those things for a day or two."

Guy Wondering Why Friend Even Bothers Having a Phone If He's Just Going to Have Facebook Switched off All The Time

INDIANAPOLIS - Failing to get ahold of best friend Jordan Cattermole Saturday, Indiana man Eric Miller is wondering why the 22-year-old even bothers carrying a phone around with him if he is just going to have Facebook turned off all the time.

Attempting to organize a last-minute meal at Applebee's, Miller insists he sent a private Facebook chat message to his elusive friend of 13 years three God damn hours ago, and for what?

"I just don't see why he pays almost ninety dollars a month for a phone if he's not even going to check his Facebook messages," said Mr. Miller. "I mean, isn't a phone kind of just plain redundant if the Facebook app is disabled? Man, it pisses me off."

Having also tried to contact Cattermole via email and the social networking site Twitter, Miller now just wishes that his friend would use his freaking phone for once and actually send back a typed response of some kind.

"I mean, even if he just poked me or liked a comment or two, I wouldn't mind so much," continued Miller. "But I'm pretty sure he just leaves all of the essential social media applications off most of the day. I don't know what his problem is, but he's damn hard to reach."

Miller says he is concerned that if his friend is unable to respond to basic messages on his phone, it could be a "huge problem" if ever there is a legitimate emergency and someone needs to get in touch with him via either SMS or a social media outlet.

Virtually ready to give up on tonight's plans, meanwhile, Miller was finally able to get through to Cattermole using an unconventional method of communication known as "calling".

Image credit: Flickr. andronicusmax. Creative Commons.

  

Famous Einstein Quote Now Attributed to Facebook User Brandon

THE INTERNET - Historians reappraised decades of accepted truth Saturday as it emerged that one of Albert Einstein's most famous quotations - originally thought to have been recorded in 1949 - was in fact first used in a June 14 Facebook status by 21-year-old Indianapolis resident Brandon Taggart.

Once thought to be the iconic words of the most gifted theoretical physicist of all time, the quotation - "I do not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!" - wound up on Taggart's profile Thursday, whereupon it was officially attributed to the Facebook user.

Taggart's friend Jamie Pollock appeared to confirm the quotation's authenticity immediately following its publication by insisting: "you so smart Brandon. you should be a writer. what a profound way of lookin at things." For his part, Taggart confirmed the quote to be that of his own mind - not that of Nobel Prize winner and widely respected Physicist Einstein - by replying with: "thanks man. Just been thinking about this stuff a lot recently."

"For over seventy years, this quote - and perhaps countless others - have been wildly misattributed to Time Person of The Century and all round scientific legend Albert Einstein," said researcher Anita Walker. "As qualified historians, we owe the likes of Brandon Taggart a huge apology. We're sorry, Brandon."

All encyclopedias and journals citing the quotation are set to be republished in the coming year, giving bibliographical credit to Mr. Taggart.

The finding comes just weeks after Bethany Klasienko of Dayton, Ohio told fellow Facebook friends that "all women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his," leading scholars of literature to rethink this, and other, phrases in Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest.

Attractive Woman Marries Mark Zuckerberg for His Great Sense of Humor

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - An attractive woman exchanged marriage vows with billionaire Facebook creator and CEO Mark Zuckerberg Saturday - citing the 28-year-old's sharp sense of humor as the reason for committing the remainder of her life to him.

Priscilla Chan - the tech innovator's longtime girlfriend - married Zuckerberg in a private ceremony after graduating from medical school at UCLA, and later declared that "(Mark) is just the funniest person I know."

"He's always making me laugh and he's just so caring and compassionate. It is these qualities - and absolutely nothing else - that have drawn me to him. I look forward to our normal, loving life together."

Wearing a diamond ring reported to have cost $1.5m, Chan told reporters that Zuckerberg was her "soul mate" and that "his dry, off-the-cuff humor really pulled her in", and that their subsequent relationship was motivated by nothing more than mutual love. Period.

Meanwhile, an elated Zuckerberg insisted that hot girls "never showed any interest in me until I turned 20, so it's just great to find someone as gorgeous as Priscilla, who loves me for who I am. No other reason. Nothing. Just my lovable and supportive personality."

Despite the wedding taking place in the same week that Zuckerberg's flagship creation Facebook went public, Chan further insisted that the exponential Billion-dollar net worth of her new husband was the furthest thing from her mind when she accepted his proposal.

Facebook Stalker Follows Vulnerable Girl Back to Her Google Plus Account

INTERNET - Friends of pretty 18-year-old Katy Donahue have heard how, on Wednesday April 11, a Facebook stalker followed Miss Donahue all the way back to her Google Plus page, seemingly intent on viewing alluring profile pictures not available on the teen’s Facebook account.

Miss Donahue logged out of Facebook at approximately 10:37pm after Paul Rix, the alleged stalker, offered her a virtual drink via the Send Beer application.

“I barely even knew the guy, so I wasn’t about to accept a pixelated drink from him,” she said. “I felt a little uneasy knowing he was logged into Facebook, especially since my friends had all logged off for the night, so I logged out earlier than usual.”

Image credit: Flickr. dumbledad. Creative Commons.

Having set off on the late journey back to Google Plus, Miss Donahue became aware she was being followed just 3 clicks after leaving Facebook. “I stopped off at Gmail.com just to pick up some PDF files I needed for work when I noticed Paul Rix sitting at the top of my inbox. He’d left an invite to join him on Bebo, which freaked me out because I was in the Bebo network just this past weekend.”

Opting to miss out usual stop-off points such as Yahoo.com and YouTube, Miss Donahue headed home to Google Plus where she was confronted once again by a persistent Rix. “I couldn't believe it. I’d barely entered my profile when there, in my message box, was a link to some political thingy posted by guess who? It was pretty surreal.”

Friends of Miss Donahue say it is highly likely that Rix spent additional time “checking out” the 824 pictures uploaded to her profile, as well as the 16.5 minutes of video footage posted to both her Google Plus and Facebook accounts. “Let’s face it; we all know internet stalking goes on. The fact that Paul Rix is always online at the same time as Katy is more than a reason to be nervous.”

However, responding to the accusations, a bewildered Rix said that he hadn’t intended to cause any trouble, insisting: “I can’t even remember who the hell Katy Donahue is. I just sent those messages to everyone”.

Facebook Newsfeed Reveals Friend Totally Listening to Band You've Never Heard of on Spotify

FACEBOOK - According to your recent Facebook NewsFeed, that one friend Rob is totally listening to a song by some hip and non-mainstream band you've never heard of on the music streaming service Spotify.

Image credit: bengsoon. Creative Commons.

Realizing that you are not familiar with the works of Doomtree - whoever the heck they are - you are momentarily overcome with a vague sense of inferiority and alienation, which simultaneously makes your friend Rob appear at once a really cool guy and yet a pretentious dick.

Even though you could quite easily navigate your way to Wikipedia and glean more information about the Minnesota-based hip hop collective, you nonetheless convince yourself that, deep down, there's nothing wrong with only liking the mainstream beats of Coldplay, Adele and U2.

Still, you can't help but think that your own online reputation would be immeasurably improved if you just posted a comment on Rob's wall agreeing whole-heartedly with his choice in music.

However, before you can offer up such a disingenuous gesture, your mind is irreversibly distracted by the site of a really divisive political video shared to Facebook by your nauseating cousin Angela.  

Indiana Man Uploads Entire Life Onto Facebook

INDIANAPOLIS - Spending more than nine hours a day on Facebook, one of the site's 800 million users, Michael Treacher, says he has successfully uploaded his entire life onto the social networking site.

Not only does his profile provide thousands of digital images of day-to-day events, but also outlines his work history, social activities and most of his secret thoughts.

"The LinkedIn app is awesome," said the 28-year-old Accounts Clerk. "Now my friends can keep up-to-date with which jobs I'm applying for and which former bosses have recommended me. They can even see work-related conversations that I'm having."

Aside from uploading his business pursuits, Treacher allows friends to see mundane aspects of his life, such as dietary regimens.

"I've integrated SparkPeople.com (food and health social networking site) into my Facebook profile. It just helps me remember when I should lower my calorie intake, or eat something with less sugar."

Sitting down with a nice virtual bottle of beer, Treacher says he likes to relax by watching his favorite movies through YouTube segments shared to his Facebook profile.

"I recently spent six hours watching the entire Back to the Future trilogy with my girlfriend Andrea, who, coincidentally, I met on Facebook."

Additionally, Treacher routinely uses his Facebook status to outline thoughts he may have had throughout the day.

"I thought it was very annoying that the price of gas went up by twenty cents this past Friday, so I told my Facebook friends all about it. Everything I do, is documented on Facebook."

Reflecting on the impact Facebook has had on his life, Treacher insisted that he "just likes to have his life organized into one place."

"Sure, sometimes I use Twitter to make a point. But not before ensuring that all my tweets get redirected to my Facebook wall." 

Image credit: ElvertBarnes. Creative commons.

Local Dad Still Not Getting Facebook

CASTLETON - The concept, purpose and popularity of the social networking site, Facebook, is still reportedly lost on local father of three, Michael Mitchum, whose attempts to sign up to the site's services today left the 59-year-old in a total state of confusion. 

Watching his offspring effortlessly navigate the site and its many thousand applications, Mr Mitchum made the decision to set up his own login details, ultimately forgetting his password within 23 minutes of establishing a profile. 

"What is... why can't I login?", he said. "This thing is so confusing. I don't... ah, wait; there we go". 

After logging into his profile at the eighth attempt, Mr Mitchum was confronted with the overbearing task of clicking on, and reading, a message posted to his wall by daughter Kathryn, 21. 

"A message? Is this the same thing as an email? I'm absolutely lost", he said, knocking back a mug of coffee. "What ever happened to just sitting down and talking?" 

Receiving guidance from his son Nick, 25, Mitchum was at least able to update his Facebook status. However, his frustration was exacerbated further when he accidentally shared the update mid-sentence. 

"I'm not really sure what this status thing means, but apparently the four friends I added earlier are reading it as 'Michael Mitchum doesn't fully under...". 

"I think I'm going to have to stick to writing letters", he continued. 

Meanwhile, in a gesture of compassion, his offspring insisted that they are going to give their father a couple of days to rest before leading him through the rigors of understanding Twitter. 

Image credit:fair use.

Man Forced to Name Son Spiderman After Facebook Fan Page Reaches 1,000,000 Members

INDIANAPOLIS - A local Facebook user is cursing his luck after his Facebook fan page - 'If 1,000,000 people join I'll name my kid Spiderman' - today reached 1,000,000 members.

Justin Kowalski of Indianapolis says he initially set up the group as a joke, never expecting more than 50 people to show any interest in it. But within a week of its inception, the group had garnered 150,000 members, and its small mention in the Indianapolis Star propelled its membership to as high as 600,000 just days later.

"I could not believe it", said Kowalski. "Here I was thinking no one but my friends would even notice the damn thing, when all of a sudden three quarters of a million people had liked the page. I soon realized I was probably going to have to follow through with my promise".

Kowalski's wife Molly is said to be furious at her husband, not least because she had always planned to name their son after her late father Eric, a man she held very dear.

"My father meant so much to me", she said. "This was supposed to be a way of carrying on his legacy. Now we have no choice but to name our son after a stupid comic book character".

Since receiving word that his fan page had broken the 1 million barrier, Kowalski has 'pleaded' with members to forget they ever joined the page and to let him call the baby something else.

"It's pretty hard to convince some of my most loyal followers", he said. "Perhaps they'll let me get away with using Spiderman as his middle name instead".

This is not the first time a Facebook user has tried to achieve such a feat: in 2007, a British man placed a bet that he could find 1 million people who would disapprove of 'I-Bet-I-Can-Find-1,000,000-People-Who' type fan pages, while one desperate woman's assertion that she could find 1 million men 'who'd like to screw her' backfired when even her boyfriend at the time refused to join the group.

Image credit: composite from creative commons.