Obituary - The 2012 Political Advertisement Season

The 2012 Political Advertisement Season, 2, died November 6 across the US. Season, who reached the end of its pre-determined life span on Tuesday, had become more bloated, more ubiquitous, and more choked with noxious bile--and with cash--than any of its ancestors. No memorial is scheduled, because there seems to be no one who isn't relieved, even overjoyed, at Season's demise. However, Season has two offspring currently gestating: The 2014 Mid-Term Election Advertisement Season and The 2016 Political Advertisement Season. Either or both of these offspring could exceed their parent in size, cost, ferocity, and intrusiveness, and each will be born far sooner than you think they should be.

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Mittromney.com Sells for $0.49

WASHINGTON D.C. - After a long election season, which culminated in an eventual landslide electoral defeat for Republican presidential challenger Mitt Romney, the domain name for the former Massachusetts governor's campaign was sold today for $0.49.

Even though mittromney.com had been valued at approximately $2.5m just days after the Republican National Convention in August, the official homepage and all related pages were significantly devalued Wednesday after it became apparent that President Obama had soared to an election victory.

Election aficionado James Tomlinson of Boise, Idaho is reported to have had an initial bid of $0.38 rejected by the hosting service Godaddy.com, who valued the domain at around $0.50, citing its "somewhat historical worth."

Tomlinson, who purports to own a "basement-full" of election memorabilia dating back to John F. Kennedy's successful campaign in 1960, is also the official domain holder for johnmccain.com and michaeldukakis88.com.

"I just love all of that stuff," said the 54-year-old, navigating his latest acquisition. "Elections represent such historic and memorable times in our lives, and, even though Mr. Romney's campaign will soon be utterly forgotten by the majority of Americans, this (mittromney.com) is no exception."

Meanwhile, in an effort to ensure the historical significance of the domain, Tomlinson has vowed to leave the website just the way it was on the morning of November 7.

"There's just something so very sad about the way it was left," continued Tomlinson. "The final post simply reads: "we're at almost 12,000,000 likes on Facebook. Join our community and connect with Mitt."  

 

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Nation Subjects Obama to Another 4 Years

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a tight election contest, President Obama was officially subjected to another 4 years in office by a sadistic American electorate Tuesday.

Mr. Obama, who has endured relentless and regularly unfounded attacks from the Republican Party in his first year, will be forced to work in the same, thankless position until 2016, in which he is expected to suffer the vitriolic abuse of the GOP, following the expansion of Obamacare, immigtration reform, and gay rights.

"Thank you to everyone who got out there and voted," said the President-elect, from his victory speech platform in Chicago, Illinois. "Unfortunately we didn't quite make it. That's right: the majority voted for my re-election."

The Obama campaign issued a statment Wednesday, conceding that Republican rival Mitt Romney had "fought a good fight" and that he had successfully fated Obama to 4 more years in Washington D.C.

"We extend our congratulations to Governor Romney," said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe. "His defeat tonight confirms the unthinkable: that President Obama must go through another four years of this shit. We remain gracious in victory."

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Nation Desperately Reading Wikipedia Entry for Electoral College

WASHINGTON D.C. - Now that voting has ceased across the country, the entire nation stopped what it was doing Tuesday and began frantically reading through the Wikipedia entry for "Electoral College (United States)". In an effort to refresh its collective memory after a four year break, the electorate came close to crippling Wikipedia's server, which suffered under the heavy demand of 140 million visits at approximately 6:02pm. According to Wikipedia's analytical report, almost 95% of its post dinner-time traffic searched for "Electoral College", with a wide majority of these clicking on "How it works", as well as "Criticisms."

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Local Man Ready to Get Out There and Make His Terrible Decision Count

INDIANAPOLIS - After months of bitter debating, hard-line rhetoric and a torrent of political attack ads, local man Peter Hackley insists he is ready to get out there and make his terrible and ill-considered decision count Tuesday.

Basing his moronic and under-researched choice on nothing more than sentiments regurgitated to him by partial news media and talk radio hosts, Mr. Hackley - along with approximately 70 million other citizens - will commit the utterly profound mistake inside a designated local building at approximately 11:30 on Tuesday morning.

"I made my mind up four goddamn years ago," said the God-awful decision-maker. "This country cannot put up with another four years. It's time for a change."

"A lot of promises were made, and not one of them was kept," continued the insufferable cretin, seemingly unaware that his poor judgement and subsequent decision will eventually lead to the rapid downfall of America, the crippling of its economy and the marginalization of minorities. "We're worse off than we were in 2008."

Though he has carried out zero research into the many claims that have sprung forth from his mouth over the past 12 months, the close-minded and feeble excuse of a human being still firmly believes that his decision will prove correct, and that anyone making the opposite decision is probably a card-carrying member of the Communist Party.

Mr Hackley's decision,  meanwhile, comes 8 years after what is widely believed to have been the absolute worst decision of the 37-year-old's life, when he unequivocally stood in favor of the continuation of the  Iraq War, the raising of the nation's deficit and the free-falling slump of the country's employment levels.     

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The Indy Tribune Endorses Barack Obama for President

INDIANAPOLIS - As we head with uncertainty into a new era, it is time for all Americans to make a decision that will shape our great nation's destiny.

With the presidential election now just twelve days away, we as a nation need to think clearly about whether we want a president who will guide us, or who will misguide us.

We need a leader that displays restraint in the face of adversity; who knows what it takes to get our economy going again; and who isn't 100% bat-shit crazy.

It is for these reasons, and those you are about to read, that The Indy Tribune today endorses President Barack Obama for president.

JOBS

Even though the draconian Obama has persistently threatened to put more and more people back to work, he has at least followed through on this promise by bringing down a national unemployment rate that was in free fall at the continuation of the presidency of George W. Bush. 

FOREIGN POLICY

The president has worked hard to repair damaged relations with hundreds of Not-America countries, and in the process has presided over the capture and killing of Osama bin Laden, who we later discovered was not only a terror mastermind, but an incredibly gifted writer. In the same year, Obama was instrumental in the killing of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, who's death prompted instant peace across Libya.

GAY RIGHTS

In his first term, Obama was able to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell, allowing gay soldiers to openly serve in the United States Armed Forces, something that the majority of Republicans opposed. The president has also - unlike his Republican challenger - pledged his support for gay marriage, becoming the first sitting president to do so. This move has proved popular among gays. Well, except for Indianapolis resident, David Schultz, who couldn't give a shit either way.

HEALTHCARE
While there is still more work to be done, President Obama's healthcare bill means that people with pre-existing conditions can not be refused coverage, that insurance companies cannot drop people from coverage after they get sick, and that we'll finally have more sexy doctors and nurses in our nation's hospitals.

"WE STILL SORT OF CAN"
When Barack Obama is elected to office for a second term, we can fully expect another four years of seeing stuff sort of get done. Expect comprehensive immigration reform that nearly goes all the way, some sort of an attempt at Israeli-Palestinian peace, and steady-but-not-perfect jobs numbers. His presidency will be good. In decades to come, it might be viewed as great. We doubt the same will ever be said of Mitt Romney. Even if he were to successfully put a man on Mars.

Thank you,
Indy Tribune  

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Romney: 'As President, I Will Put a Man On Mars By 2014'

WASHINGTON D.C. - In an effort to bolster support for his campaign ahead of next month's presidential election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has vowed to put a man on the surface of Mars by the year 2014.

Speaking at a post debate rally in Mount Vernon, Ohio Tuesday, Mr. Romney insisted that funding a dangerous manned mission to the Red Planet would become the number one issue on his agenda from day one.

"I want to see an America where the people can feel inspired again; I want to see an America that thrives on innovation, on ingenuity," said the former Massachusetts governor. "That is why I stand before you today, and promise to send a man - possibly more than one - to the northern hemisphere of Mars two years from today."

Mr. Romney was quick to attack President Obama's record on Mars, insisting that a proposed mission to the planet in the year 2033 was "too long for the American people to wait."

"The current administration seems to think we should wait another 25 years, and waste time and resources on rock sample projects," he continued. "This is unacceptable. We need to land on Mars now. And by the way, I'm not talking about sending another robot, or a space observatory. Listen to these words again: I'm going to send a living, breathing man."    

Meanwhile, Mr. Romney's proclamation is thought to have placed a serious dent on his popularity among the 18-92 female demographic.

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Ageing Jimmy Carter Accidentally Endorses Mitt Romney for President

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a televised address before the press corps Saturday, ageing former Democratic  president Jimmy Carter accidentally endorsed Mitt Romney for the presidency, insisting: "Romney is a progressive thinker and he's gonna do a whole bunch of good for America."

Appearing to slur his words as he spoke to various members of the press, the 88-year-old left-leaning goodwill ambassador declared that Romney "is the only guy who can get the job done (inaudible)... it's going to be really exciting to see him win."

"He's the real deal," he continued.

Carter's endorsement comes as a bitter blow for incumbent president, Barack Obama, who is believed to consider former President Carter as a relatively close ally in Washington. Speaking at a campaign stop in northern Virginia, the president expressed disappointment at the news.

"I am surprised that President Carter has opted to endorse my opponent, Governor Romney," he said. "I can only hope that he was just having one of his bad days and that he'll retract his statement after the weekend. We'll have to wait and see."

Carter's surprise announcement comes almost 20 years to the day after former president, Ronald Reagan, opted to endorse Thomas Jefferson in the 1992 presidential election.

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Libertarian Candidate Closes Gap on Obama to Just 68 Million Votes

WASHINGTON - According to the latest Zogby poll, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson has successfully narrowed the gap between himself and incumbent President Barack Obama to just 68 million likely votes. Following strong debate performances against third party and independent rivals, Mr Johnson stunned political analysts Tuesday, as almost 0.7% of the electorate said they would be likely to vote for the Libertarian if the election were held today, compared to 52% saying they would vote for Obama and 49% for Romney. This bears a stark contrast to a September 22nd poll, which gave Johnson an underwhelming 0.6% of likely voters - easily outside of the sample size margin error.

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Paul Ryan: 'Must Not Look Weak, Must Not Look Weak, Must Not Look Weak'

KENTUCKY - Following his televised debate with Vice President Joe Biden Thursday, Mitt Romney's running mate Paul Ryan insisted: "must not look weak, must not look weak, must not look weak."

Adopting a serious tone during post-debate festivities, the 42-year-old said it was absolutely vital that he  refrain from breaking down in uncontrollable tears after what, after all, was a healthy debate with Mr. Biden.

"Be a man, Paul Ryan," Mr. Ryan repeatedly told himself backstage, while violently slapping his face. "Crying is a sign of weakness. Pull yourself together and show those motherfuckers who is boss. No one messes with Paul "The Muscle Machine" Ryan." 

"I'm a tiger, damn it," he continued, as campaign advisers asked, from behind his dressing room door, if he was alright.

According to several news correspondents on the scene, the Wisconsin congressman further proceeded to rip off his suit jacket in a moment of "intense emotional abandon", in which Mr. Ryan was heard whispering the words: "I won't fail you, daddy. I won't fail you."  

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Vice Presidential Debate Ready to Step In Should Something Happen to Presidential Debate

WASHINGTON D.C. - Thursday's vice presidential debate between incumbent VP Joe Biden and Republican challenger Paul Ryan insists it is more than prepared to be sworn into the national spotlight, should something happen to the presidential debate at some point down the road. In the unlikely event that the town meeting between President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney were to become incapacitated or unable to fulfill its duties as a presidential debate, Thursday's Vice Presidential debate in Kentucky reaffirmed that it would not shy away from allowing its two combatants to answer questions more geared toward a potential commander-in-chief. "One of the responsibilities of a vice presidential debate is knowing that you might have to step up to the plate and have your candidates duke it out over the issue of leadership," said the debate. "I am ready for such an eventuality."    

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Big Bird Endorses Elmo for President

SESAME STREET, NY - Insisting that the policies of both President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have failed to connect with his own personal philosophy, Sesame Street character Big Bird publicly endorsed co-star Elmo for president Wednesday.

Following last week's presidential debate, in which Republican Mitt Romney said he would cut funding to PBS, Big Bird has been launched into the political spotlight, most notably in a campaign ad for President Obama.

"Let's face it," said the 8-foot, yellow Muppet in an address to millions of children nationwide. "The Republicans and the Democrats are two sides of the same coin these days. Only a candidate who represents all Americans, who understands who he is, can get the job done. That candidate is Elmo."

Though the three-and-half-year-old red Muppet did not seek an exploratory commission by the national deadline, it is believed that Big Bird and the rest of the Sesame Street cast are planning to nominate Elmo via a write-in.

Asked what an Elmo Presidency would mean for the economy and job creation, the candidate was unequivocal in his response: "Elmo knows how bad this economy is. After all, on the September 1, 2009 taping of the show, Elmo's mother lost her job. Those were tough times."

"Vote Elmo."

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Sweating Romney Can't Stop Asking Advisers How He Did Out There

DENVER, CO - Following Wednesday's opening presidential debate at the University of Denver, a sweating Mitt Romney would not stop asking advisers how he did. 

Nervously loosening his tie, the former Massachusetts governor stormed into campaign manager Matt Rhoades' temporary office, demanding: "well?" 

Though several staffers affirmed that the Republican candidate had performed favorably in his debate with incumbent Barack Obama, Romney asked everyone, from his wife Ann to 22-year-old Republican intern Kevin Tisley, whether he did all right out there tonight.

"Look, I've got to know," said Mr. Romney to a passerby who appeared to be wearing a Romney/Ryan 2012 t-shirt. "Did I nail it tonight?"

"I mean, I know you were probably backstage for most of the debate, but tell me: from what you saw, did I hold my own? Did I?"

Seemingly unwilling to listen to supportive messages from fellow Republicans and campaign strategists, a frantic Mr. Romney vowed to give a live televised conference on Thursday in which he will ask the nation: "honestly, what did you think?"

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Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary

WASHINGTON D.C. - Throughout a rousing rally on Capitol Hill Tuesday, hundreds of Tea Party demonstrators - voicing their disapproval of Barack Obama's presidency - championed the idea of lowering taxes and downsizing the nation's vocabulary.

Speaking over a bullhorn, Tea Party stalwart Terry Higgins gave a damning criticism of what he perceived as the Obama administration's attempt to expand the size of the national lexicon, with repeated use of words like "vitriolic", "insatiable" and "rationale".

"We need rid of Obama, y'hear me?" said Mr. Higgins, in a notably prosaic speech. "There are too many people in this great country who rely on words to get by. We must do whatever it takes to stop that."

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New Election Poll Shows Widening Gap Between Mitt Romney, Reality

WASHINGTON D.C. - According to the most recent Gallup poll released Thursday, there is a growing gap between Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney and the fundamental concept of reality.

According to the pollster's demographic breakdown, 50% of Americans said that, if the presidential election were to be held today, they would be more likely to vote in favor of factual events, while just 44% said they would prefer Mitt Romney as president.

The shift in public opinion follows a variety of campaign gaffes by Mr. Romney, who is on record as stating that he is "not going to worry" about 47% of the electorate, isn't concerned about the very poor, and believes that the economic crisis of 2008 was Obama's fault.

"The figures indicate that Romney's campaign strategy of distorting, bending, or totally just making up reality is not connecting with the majority of American voters," said analyst Chuck Francis. "Half of all Americans would prefer to see a continued reduction to the country's unemployment rate - which has steadily improved under President Obama - than to see Mitt Romney come in and "fix this country's growing unemployment problem."

Responding to the poll results Thursday, however, Mr Romney maintained that there was still a long way to go in the race and that "most Americans will eventually come around to my side once I remind them that Obama possesses known ties to international terrorists."    

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Romney Reaches Out To The Nation's Dead People

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WASHINGTON D.C. - In a move designed to kickstart his flagging presidential campaign Friday, Mitt Romney reached out to the nation's dead people during a visit to a cemetery in the state of Virginia.

Aiming to refocus his campaign after a series of setbacks this past week, the former Massachussets governor addressed over 300 deceased voters in what was a rescheduled campaign stop this morning.

Trailing President Barack Obama by 7 percentage points in the most recent poll, the Romney campaign believes that its most realistic chance of taking the White House in November is "gaining the support of a demographic that is no longer even a demographic."

"I need your support on November 6," Romney told a crowd of unregistered, lifeless voters. "The President doesn't believe in the rights of dead people. He would rather have you all buried in cramped cemeteries which would rely on government subsidies for their upkeep. I'm not going to do that."

In a prolonged conversation with local woman Hettie Ball (1917-2004), Romney pledged that under his watch, people like her wouldn't have to settle for granite-marble mix headstones, insisting that America's dead would get the opportunity to work their way up to platinum tombstones instead.

"A Romney administration would not let the weeds around your final resting place overgrow," he continued. "In fact, we would work tirelessly to ensure that only the very best flowers would grow around your soulless bodies for all eternity."

Meanwhile, the Obama campaign today seized on Mr. Romney's latest address, saying that "Mr. Romney hadn't been clear with the deceased as to how he will actually implement all of his proposals. Especially the proposal to cut unemployment among the dead."

That aside, Romney was able to touch upon his campaign promise of putting almost half of all Americans into plush, well-cared-for cemeteries over the next four years.

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Romney On His Video Gaffe: 'Obama Is Destroying This Nation'

WASHINGTON D.C. - Attempting to deflect growing criticism following a leaked video allegedly showing him alienating "47%" of the American electorate, Mitt Romney today addressed the issue, declaring: "Obama is ruining this great nation."

Mr Romney came under fire Monday after a video surfaced on the alternative news site MotherJones.com in which he appeared to say: "[M]y job is is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives," to which he emphatically responded: "Things are much worse than they were four years ago under this president."

"I understand there's been a video that's been on the internet for a few weeks that has attracted some attention and I thought I would make some comments about it," said Mr Romney, late last night. "President Obama has been a colossal failure on virtually every issue. That is what I have to say."

Allaying fears that, if elected, he would aim to serve only half of the nation's citizens, Romney assured voters that Obamacare is the "single biggest mistake of Obama's presidency."

"Make no mistake," urged Romney, attempting to dispel the assertion that his campaign does not care about upward of 90 million voters. "Obama should not have overturned 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' when he did. In my view, it was extremely irresponsible of him."

Meanwhile, asked if his latest gaffe could affect his latest poll standing against President Obama, Mr Romney was unequivocal in his response: "Obama must be defeated."

Obama Changes Relationship Status to 'It's Complicated' Just to Shit With Everyone

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WASHINGTON D.C. - In what was intended as a light-hearted prank Monday, President Obama logged into Facebook and changed his relationship status to "it's complicated" just to shit with people.

In an apparent effort to defuse cross-party political tension, Mr Obama temporarily removed all mention of his marriage to First Lady Michelle Obama, allowing his new relationship status to show up in the news feeds of approximately 28 million Facebook users.

"It was just a harmless goof," said Mr Obama in a press conference this afternoon. "The best part was reading all of the comments on my timeline right after I did it. It was freaking hilarious."

"Everyone was, like, "shouldn't you have waited until after the election to announce this sort of thing?" Damn, that shit was funny."

The edit is reported to have garnered upward of 1.3 million likes, with a high percentage of these appearing to come from users who subscribe to Obama's presidential rival Mitt Romney.

It is believed, however, that Obama's prank may not have resonated with his wife Michelle, who is thought to have taken "the whole thing to heart."

"Needless to say, I am extremely disappointed with Barack," said Mrs Obama in a short statement. "How would he like it if I removed The Audacity of Hope from my "favorite books" or, better yet, stopped liking his Fan Page?"

"I'll let him think about those things for a day or two."

Green Party Desperately Trying to Convince Nation It Has Other Policies

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WASHINGTON D.C. - The Green Party of The United States is desperately trying to convince supporters of the two main political parties that it does have policies not linked in any way to the environment.

Speaking before a Q&A session Wednesday, Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein insisted that people should "check out our stance on healthcare and education."

"Every election it's the same; people always think that the Green Party is just about saving some polar bears in the North Pole," said Stein. "But if you actually take the time to read into our policies, you'll realize that, among other things, we want to stop the punishment of students and teachers for failures of the system, we want to offer affordable healthcare for every American, and we want to reform financial institutions. That's right: we actually have our own fiscal agenda."

Despite its name, the party is adamant that it holds several other non-climate-related views, including matters pertaining to immigration, the economy and foreign policy, as well as ending the War on Drugs.

"I know you might find this hard to believe, but we even have opinions on complex matters such as the conflict in the Middle East and have even formulated a workable alternative to stringent border control measures," continued Stein. "This information has been public on our website for years. Just go and check it out."

The Green Party, which officially formed in 1991, took just 161,603 votes at the last election in 2008.

"The party has moved on since then; we've learned from our mistakes. Just take a look at our "We Do Other Things" campaign banners. Hopefully they'll go a long way to convincing people that we're more than just some tree-hugging political movement. We're the Green Party."

Meanwhile, the party has removed all mention of the environment from its website in a continued effort to "be taken seriously for once."

Merciless Obama Still Threatening to Put More and More Americans Back to Work

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WASHINGTON DC - President Obama has repeated his cruel and draconian threats to put more unemployed people back to work following next year's election.

During a controversial speech outside the White House Saturday, Mr Obama addressed the so-called "threat to the nation's welfare" of unemployment, with equally heartless members of congress also calling for the creation of thousands of thankless and miserable jobs for the American people to endure.

"This administration is strongly committed to putting more people back to work," said Mr Obama. "We have already introduced several measures to try and stimulate job growth and by next year we aim to put 1.5 million Americans into the careers they are fated to suffer."

The issue of unemployment has intensified over the past 18 months, with the economic crisis helping 30 million happy citizens avoid work altogether.

However, if the sinister machinations of both major parties come to fruition, millions of people will be forced to give up their jobless, sofa-bound lifestyles in the name of what Obama calls "opportunity." As a result, daytime ratings for cable TV networks such as Spike and Lifetime are expected to plummet.

"We are the party of jobs and opportunity," insisted the President. "If there's one thing that me and my adversaries can agree on, it's that we must ensure a job, however demeaning and mind-numbingly dull, for every American who is fit to work."

Obama's announcement comes amid weeks of intense protesting on Wall Street, as thousands of masochistic activists continue to actually petition the government to create more jobs.

"I guess some people just like the idea of mindlessly hauling ass for eight hours a day," speculated House Speaker John Boehner. "Well, those protesters better damn sure be careful what they wish for."

Image credit: U.S. Federal Government. Public Domain.

Sean Hannity Accuses Democratic National Convention of Liberal Bias

NEW YORK, NY - As the Democratic National Convention continued in Charlotte Thursday, Fox News presenter and political commentator Sean Hannity accused members of the Democratic Party of displaying liberal bias in the vast majority of its speeches, policies and sentiment.

The outspoken broadcaster, known for defending the ideology of the Republican Party, insisted that the convention's organizers "played it safe" by intentionally only inviting liberal speakers, such as Bill Clinton, Michelle Obama and Joe Biden.

"Listen, any party that drones on about its support for collective bargaining rights, marriage equality and Planned Parenthood is clearly not offering both sides of the argument," said an impassioned Hannity. "What we've been seeing in Charlotte is wholly unfair and woefully unbalanced."

The presenter of Hannity - a nightly one-hour conservative news commentary segment - also said that the convention was compromising the "neutrality of modern politics" by allowing President Barack Obama to speak at the expense of Republican presidential rival Mitt Romney.

"It's frankly sickening the way Republicans have been shunned by the Democratic National Committee," he continued. "I was greatly looking forward to hearing Mike Huckabee counter-arguing Obama on border security. They didn't even invite him. Just goes to show that nothing is fair and balanced - not even the Democratic National Convention."

Meanwhile, rebuking Mr Hannity's claims this afternoon, analysts have been quick to point out that the Republican National Convention itself boasted a largely conservative spin, though pundits admit that Clint Eastwood's speech may have almost single-handedly swung the election in President Obama's favor.

Clint Eastwood Kills 14 At Democratic National Convention

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CHARLOTTE, NC - In a shocking rampage that also left 37 people wounded, screen legend and Republican supporter, Clint Eastwood, killed 14 people at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday, just one week after an infamous speech at the RNC in Tampa. Allegedly breaking into the conference via a backdoor, Eastwood reportedly popped off several rounds into the gathered crowd, declaring: "Democrats can, you know... wow, I thought I... what's going on?". The famed actor/director, noted for films such as Million Dollar Baby, Unforgiven and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly was subsequently arrested and told to stop doing this sort of thing.

Obama Set To Formally Accept That He Just Might Have to Endure Another 4 Years of This Shit

CHARLOTTE, NC - President Barack Obama will address the Democratic National Convention Thursday, where he is expected to formally accept that he must see out another four years of this shit.

Mr Obama, who stormed to the presidency in 2008, will head into November's election reluctantly seeking to defeat Republican challenger Mitt Romney to secure a second thankless and fucking miserable term in office.

"Barack is not at all looking forward to the challenge ahead," said Obama's wife, Michelle, in her own address to the DNC Tuesday.

"Even though cross-party bickering and unjustified conservative resentment will likely grow over the next four years, my husband is nonetheless sort of slightly ready to take on the responsibility of leading this great country once more. I guess."  

"But, for what it's worth, he really doesn't want to."

Just knowing that Republicans will be more determined than ever in the coming years to paint him as a tyrannical socialist Nazi with secret ties to al Qaeda, Obama is believed to be highly reluctant to see this "complete mind-fuck of a presidency" through, but will likely do it for "the good of his party."

Meanwhile, asked if he would be ready from day one to lead America forward, Mr Obama was himself unequivocal in his response this morning: "I've fucking had it."

Obama Diplomatically Agrees to Resign Presidency if Re-Elected

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WASHINGTON D.C. - In a gesture aimed at reaching across the aisle to disenfranchised conservatives Sunday, President Barack Obama vowed to resign the presidency with immediate effect if he is re-elected to a second term in office.

Mr Obama, who was elected president in 2008, insisted that the move would ultimately be the "correct thing for all parties" and would serve as a key decision that both he and right wing hawks could agree on.

"Throughout my presidency, I have made repeated attempts at appealing to not only fellow Democrats but legislators within the Republican Party. I believe that my resignation as commander-in-chief would go a long way to smoothing over tensions that exist across the party divide."

"As president, it is my job to make the tough decisions," he continued. "While I won't now get the chance to preside over some of the sweeping and progressive changes I'd promised, my decision to stand down will at least help millions of small-minded and deluded Republicans to move on with their lives."

The president's decision was met with derision by the Romney campaign, with one spokesman insisting that Obama was "simply trying to run away from the problems facing America."

"In making a decision like this, Obama is not showing the true leadership of a president. Choosing to walk away from the job at hand is just another sign of his cowardice. There are two things that our campaign hopes to achieve in November: first, stop Obama from getting re-elected; second, if this fails, we must veto his resignation. Period."

Meanwhile, in the event of Obama's resignation, it is unclear how Republicans will react to the eventuality of Joe Biden being sworn in as president.

Paul Ryan Hits Back at Critics, Wounds 5

TAMPA, FL - As the Republican National Convention drew to a close late last night, vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan hit back at his critics - many of whom have condemned Ryan's Wednesday night speech and wider political agenda - wounding 5 people in the process.

"I couldn't believe it," said eyewitness and former Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice. "Someone yelled out something about Mr. Ryan's record on abortion and the next thing I knew, Mr. Ryan was all over the individual. It was totally crazy."

It is believed that the Wisconsin congressman landed several punches into a female activist before lunging into several concerned onlookers.

"It was the most terrifying thing I've ever encountered," said recovering campaign volunteer Nancy Applegate. "He must have kicked me about fifteen times before ripping out a chunk of my hair. I... I just don't know what made him snap like that."

Mr Ryan's shocking tirade follows widespread criticism of his speech to the RNC, in which he appeared to deceive voters - two of whom received kicks to the head - into believing that President Obama's healthcare plan removed $716 billion from Medicare, when in fact this figure represented savings in Medicare reimbursement rates. 

Moreover, Mr Ryan violently slapped another witness, after it was pointed out that Mr Ryan's own proposed budget plan offered similar savings.

Meanwhile, it is understood that the violence only came to a halt after Mr Ryan was restrained by New Jersey Governor and RNC keynote speaker Chris Christie who insisted: "let me have a turn!"

Biden Keeps Asking Obama If He Can Take Air Force One for A Spin

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WASHINGTON D.C. - Desperate to hit up a couple of buddies over in Cape Cod, Vice President Joe Biden keeps asking President Obama if he can just take Air Force One for a spin. Vowing that the president's plane would not pick up so much of a scratch, Biden insisted that "a couple of the guys are going out fishing this weekend and it would be really fucking neat to fly in unannounced." However, it is believed that Mr Obama is highly reluctant to loan out the plane after Biden totaled the presidential limousine following an ill-judged New Year's prank.

Guy Dressed as Yoda Accidentally Turns Up At Republican National Convention

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TAMPA, FL - Hoping to meet a group of fellow Star Wars fanatics and indulge in a series of role play activities, science fiction enthusiast Ryan Pennegrahe accidentally turned up at the Republican National Convention Thursday dressed as Yoda. Hearing that the convention was in town, Pennegrahe quickly pieced together a crude, green costume, accompanied by the obligatory robe, only to been turned away by officials who mistook him for "one of those crazy Ron Paul supporters."

Millions of Americans Wake Up to Terrifying Realization That Romney Might Soon Be President

WASHINGTON D.C. - As the Republican National Convention unfolded this week, millions of registered voters across the nation awoke Wednesday to the terrifying realization that Mitt Romney now stands a relatively decent chance of becoming the 45th President of the United States.

Even though the former Massachusetts governor continually refuses to release his tax returns, espouses outdated attitudes toward women and believes that homosexuals should be denied the right to marry, it has not gone unnoticed by the wider population that Romney is somehow "neck-and-neck" with Barack Obama in various polls.

"My gosh, how did this happen?," said petrified life-long Democratic voter Gary Marchant. "This man actually said that he doesn't care about the poor. This is a quote. He said it. And yet, hundreds of millions of people might just vote the asshole into office."

"What the... I really don't know what happened."

Fighting back an enormous sense of panic this morning, Indianapolis resident Rebecca Schuster insisted that even though Romney's likely nomination had been known for many months, just to hear the RNC officially announce the 65-year-old as its nominee brought her to tears.

"I am just petrified that he'll actually edge out Obama at the election," she said. "The fact that the voting populous is strongly considering electing a man who owns a Swiss Bank account, refuses to reveal his tax returns and sees people as corporations is beyond insane."

"I might as well end it all now," she continued.

The sense of unrelenting dread is even thought to have spread to thousands of Republican voters, who secretly fear that Romney, once elected, might rekindle his advocacy for socialized healthcare, same-sex marriage and legalized abortion.

Huckabee Asks RNC Organizers if He Can Bring His Bass

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TAMPA, FL - Gearing up to play a memorable part in the 2012 Republican National Convention this week, former Arkansas Governor and presidential campaigner Mike Huckabee has asked RNC organizers if it would be okay for him to bring along his bass guitar.

Offering to knock out a few Rolling Stones numbers during his 10-minute address, Huckabee insisted that "this will really get the convention swinging."

"I just wanted to do a few riffs with the band," said the 57-year-old. "I promise not to go overboard. Just three songs, and then I'll let Condoleezza Rice have the floor. I swear."

Huckabee, who, along with his band Capitol Offense, lent musical accompaniment to the Convention in 2004, said that it would be "a whole lot of fun to just put on one more show for these people."

"Here me out," he continued. "Me and the guys have been working on a really funky cover of Paint It Black. Yes, you heard me: Paint It Freaking Black! Aren't you just a little bit excited?"

"Come on, RNC people: what do you say?"

In an email sent to the former presidential candidate, however, RNC chairman Reince Priebus has advised Huckabee that, while he appreciates the gesture, it's really not that sort of thing.

Nervous Republican Intern Suggests Everyone Just Take a Second and Look at The 19th Amendment

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WASHINGTON D.C. - Aware of the seeming neglect of women's rights in various areas of Republican Party policy recently, nervous 22-year-old intern Kevin Tisley suggested to advisers and the wider GOP committee Wednesday that everyone just stop talking for a second and take a look at the 19th amendment.

Apprehensively leaving his desk, from which he routinely emails potential voters and files campaign literature, Tisley suddenly interrupted a group discussion about ending Planned Parenthood, alerting those present that "holy shit, women actually comprise fifty percent of the electorate. It says so right here."

"Look, I know this is crazy," trembled the Political Science major, "but according to this document, the female demographic  - whose rights we have been stoically trying to reduce all this time - are going to be voting this November."

"Somebody needs to call the RNC and warn them," he continued.

Outlining the implications of his discovery to policymakers in attendance, Tisley brought home the real possibility that millions of women  - women, who it turns out, have every chance of voting in the presidential, senatorial and local elections this fall - may have overheard Republican rhetoric calling for cuts in breast cancer screenings, the woman's right to choose and government assistance for single mothers.

"Look, if these women are all aware of everything we've been saying about them, we don't have a chance," continued Tisley. "We need to do something immediately. Does anyone have Mitch McConnell's number?"

Calming the young gentleman down, meanwhile, one adviser, reading over the document, eventually pointed out that "it says here that women have been voting for almost a century."

"Well, there's clearly nothing to worry about, in that case" she said. "We've clearly gotten away with it many times in the past."          

Obama Unveils Joe Biden As Running Mate

WASHINGTON D.C. - In what many political commentators have described as a "potentially risky political move", President Barack Obama today unveiled vice president Joe Biden as his running mate ahead of the presidential election in November.

The shock announcement ends weeks of speculation over who the president would ultimately pick for the vice presidency, while questions have already arisen around Biden's suitability for the job.

"While he is a thoroughly nice guy, it's difficult to pinpoint his actual recent record," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, looking at a copy of Biden's resume. "I mean sure, he's made the occasional visit to see our troops in Afghanistan and has presented a bunch of people with medals. But he just... he hasn't done much else."

However, unveiling Biden to voters Tuesday, Obama defended the 69-year-old's record over the last four years, insisting that Biden has "always been there when I've needed him most."

"Let me be clear," announced the president. "Joe Biden is a really great guy to have around: he's... he's funny; he's compassionate; and generally he's just, you know, he's one of life's good guys."

"Joe is Joe," he continued. "That's kind of what I like about him."

Meanwhile, Biden insisted that he will work really hard over the next three months, just so that he can at least "attend a load more of those state dinners."

Ron Paul ‘Will Fight Presidential Campaign Into 2013’ Just to See What Happens

WASHINGTON D.C. - Even though rival Republican presidential campaigner Mitt Romney has already attained the 1,144 delegates needed to seal the party's nomination, Ron Paul says he will continue campaigning, vowing to fight on into 2013, just to see what happens.

Unwilling to concede defeat in the face of mathematically impossible odds, Congressman Paul told potential delegates that he is still counting on their support "just in case something transpires."

"I mean, you just never know," said Paul, at a campaign rally in Charlotte, North Carolina Monday. "Though it would appear the American people are not connecting with my ideas of smaller government, less foreign intervention and a Federal Reserve audit, things can change very quickly in politics. I won't give up on this, dammit."

Hailing a return to the gold standard, Paul insisted that his message of creating a free market and reducing the role of government in fiscal matters might one day resonate with voters, even if that day is long after either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney is elected to office.

"This might sound crazy, but I really think that if we all knuckle down and continue to espouse policies that remain true to our nation's founding document, there's always a chance - come March - that we will win November's election."

"At this point, I am ruling nothing out," continued Paul in front of a boisterous crowd. "I mean, who knows? Perhaps if I battle on long enough, I'll even take a few delegates from Romney."

Meanwhile, Mr Paul would not rule out rumors that he might seek to continue his campaign into the 2016 election just for the darned hell of it.

Image Credit: David Carlyon.

Gun Laws, Same-Sex Marriage, Women's Rights, Economy, Healthcare Reform, Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Syria, Education Set to Become Number One Issue of Election

WASHINGTON D.C. - With the presidential election just 3 months away, political insiders believe that the one central issue facing the candidates in November will be gun laws, same-sex marriage, women's rights, the economy, healthcare reform, and just generally everything that people are upset about.

Despite conventional wisdom dictating that elections of this magnitude never come down to just one single talking point, it is also projected that the national dialogue will turn solely toward the divisive topic of abortion, Syria, education reform, unemployment, and space exploration. And the war on drugs.

"This election won't be decided on which candidate has the greater campaign finance or the most influential endorsements," said political analyst Ray Freeman. "It will come down to one defining issue and that one defining issue will be the death penalty, stem cell research, gas prices, and funding for the arts."

This view, however, would not appear to be shared by Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who is expected to construct his entire campaign around the solitary issue of the economy, taxes, government spending, investment, and a wide series of money stuff. And gay marriage.  

Meanwhile, incumbent president Barack Obama has stated that, while no one topic will force the agenda in November, the one, overwhelming concern among those he has met on the campaign trail is "all of the above."

Image Credit: composite creative commons.

Tax Returns Reveal Romney Barely Scraping by on Food Stamps

WASHINGTON D.C. - In what could prove a decisive blow in the race for the White House, newly released Tax documents have revealed that presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney is just barely scraping by on food stamps.

Romney's reluctance to release his tax records had ignited speculation that the former Massachusetts Governor had continued earning revenue from Bain Capital - a multi-billion dollar private equity company of which he was once the CEO - even after 2002.

However, according to his 2011 tax returns, Mr Romney spent last year "struggling to make ends meet" after getting by on just a menial, basic food plan for almost 14 months. Additionally, records indicate that the 65-year-old was also forced to foreclose on a two-bedroom bungalow in the town of Canton, Massachusetts.

In a statement Monday, an embarrassed Mr Romney admitted that he had lived in "virtual poverty" since leaving Bain in 2002, reluctantly using presidential campaign funds to "keep his head above water."

"The only reason I didn't release the tax documents sooner is that I was concerned about what everyone would think of me," said Romney, seemingly choking up before a crowd of 500 supporters. "The truth is, I am just like all those poor people I supposedly have a hard time relating to."

"I just... I'm in a really tough place right now," he continued, before fighting back tears.

It is not yet known what today's revelation will mean for his White House prospects, but aides were quick to dispel any suggestions that Mr Romney was planning to suspend his campaign.

"Mitt will fight on," said campaign spokesman, Daniel Mackenrod. "After all, winning the presidency would mean that he and his family would actually have a place to live."

"That's ultimately what it comes down to."

Meanwhile, Mr Romney and his wife Ann were photographed this morning checking into a homeless shelter, where they were each fed a bowl of noodles and a mug of lukewarm coffee.

      

INTERVIEW: Mitt Romney Talks Women, Latinos and Gays

The Indy Tribune sat down with Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney this week to talk about his struggle to win over certain sects of the electorate - including women, Hispanics and gays - ahead of November's election.

Agnostics Still Undecided Ahead of 2012 Deity Election

JERUSALEM - With the 2012 Deity Election just four months away, a recent poll by the Celestial Examiner has found that 78% of Agnostics are still undecided as to which divine entity they will vote for.

Candidates from the four major religions will contest November's election, with Christianity's Jehovah just edging in the polls ahead of Allah of the Islamic faith, Vishnu of Hinduism and Buddha.

"I really don't know who to vote for," said lifelong Agnostic, Samantha Jameson. "Part of me has kind of lost interest in religious practices, but another part really likes Jehovah's stance on family-oriented issues such as marriage and parenthood."

"I even like some of Allah's policies too, though I'm not so sure about his stance on women's rights. Perhaps, I'll vote for Buddha. He seems pretty genuine."

Campaigning on behalf of the Christian faith in the Holy Land of Jerusalem Wednesday, campaign manager, Jesus Christ, insisted that the election outcome could be swayed by the voting choices of agnostics, most of whom have yet to decide on a candidate.

"Everyday on the campaign trail, myself, the Heavenly Father and our fellow Christians are reaching out to all Agnostics up and down the planet," said Mr. Christ. "Why should you vote for us? Well, if you believe that women should not be stoned to death for adultery, if you believe that man should be allowed to eat pork as he chooses, then we are the religion for you."

"Plus, we've got a talking snake."

Meanwhile, this year's election is widely expected to see its lowest voter turn-out for more than a thousand years, after a record number of Atheists declared their intention to not vote.      

Romney Uses Campaign Funds to Purchase Hoboken, New Jersey

HOBOKEN, NJ - In what was a stunning political gamble Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney poured virtually all of his campaign funds into purchasing the city of Hoboken, New Jersey, a campaign source said.

Mr. Romney, who is looking to challenge incumbent president, Barack Obama, in November's election, is believed to have leveraged a deal worth $150 million for the city, which houses roughly 50,000 residents and is a part of the New York metropolitan area.

Hoboken, notable for its high ratio of Democratic leaning voters, will undergo an overhaul over the next four months, as campaign staffers prepare to transform the wider area into a giant advertising gateway for Romney 2012.

"Mitt Romney wants Hoboken, New Jersey to become the poster child for his America - an America which he will one day purchase in full," said one campaign source. "Your campaign donations are very welcome."

Democrats in congress have criticized the deal, insisting that the purchase of an entire city by someone seeking political office is "highly unconstitutional."

"Romney has once again displayed just how out of touch he is," said Congressman Frank Lautenberg. "To buy an entire city - not to mention its people - is a clear violation of people's right to liberty. Last time I checked, the American electorate was pretty fond of its right to liberty."  

Despite a backlash from the left, however, the deal is thought to be a precursor to an eventual Romney-takeover of the state of New Jersey, as well as Lower Manhattan, New York.

Romney Devours 'Fifty Shades of Grey' In Effort to Win Over Female Voters

WASHINGTON D.C. -  In a new and controversial campaign strategy designed to appeal to female voters, presumed Republican nominee Mitt Romney has begun reading the wildly popular erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey.

Romney: Screw It, I'll Give $3 Million To Everyone Who Votes for Me

WASHINGTON D.C. - In an effort to win over the average working American, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to give away his entire wealth to the American people, declaring: "enough with politics: I'll give three million freaking dollars to everyone who votes for me in November."


The move is also seen as an attempt to improve Romney's standing among women, Latinos and the gay community - as well as African Americans, undecided voters and a core base of liberals.


"The economy of the United States has tanked under this president," Romney told supporters at a rally in the capital yesterday. "Under my administration, we will reduce unemployment, cut spending and lower taxes. In fact, to Hell with the usual rhetoric; let's just say I'll make you a millionaire if you vote for me."


"I'm not shitting you, America. Three million bucks each. Who's game?"


Meanwhile, the Obama administration has accused Romney of attempting to "pander to the electorate," insisting that the former Massachusetts Governor will "probably want the people to pay back every penny once he is in power."

Image credit: Flickr. markn3tel. Creative Commons.     

Romney Vows to Build an America That People Can Be Leaving

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CONCORD, NH - Following a series of primary victories Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to build an America that voters from across the entire nation can truly be leaving.

Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Creative commons.

Winning a significant number of delegates in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Delaware and Pennsylvania yesterday, the former Massachusetts governor insisted that he will defeat Barack Obama in November's election and implement "hugely divisive" policies that will see millions of Americans return to the lands of their forebears.

"The Mitt Romney presidency begins here," he said, prompting fears of a mass, nationwide exodus. "If anyone knows how to get this country running again, it's me. In fact, I'll have them running for the hills."

Often accused of "being out of touch with the average working family," Mr Romney insisted that every American - no matter their profession or social position - would soon witness the benefits of economic recovery and widespread job growth in places like the United Kingdom, France and Germany.

"Make no mistake about it," he continued."The policies of President Obama have let this country down. But don't worry: he ain't got nothing on me."

Santorum Ends Nation's Intense Fear of His Candidacy

WASHINGTON D.C. - Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum announced the end to the country's growing anxiety over his candidacy Tuesday, insisting that "personal issues had forced him to suspend national Santorum paranoia prematurely."

Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Creative Commons.

Mr Santorum, who's daughter was hospitalized earlier this week, held a press conference yesterday to officially end what had been a hard fought battle against the collective nerve of the American electorate.

"I entered this race with the intention of terrifying the American people with the prospect of me - Rick Santorum - actually becoming leader of the free world. It is with great regret, however, that I must draw this campaign of terror to a close. I am suspending the God awful fear of a Santorum presidency, effective immediately."

Meanwhile, Mr Santorum's announcement is widely expected to clear the way for widespread fears of Mitt Romney's eventual nomination later this year.

Republican Presidential Race Apparently Still Happening, Nation Finds

WASHINGTON D.C. - According to national sources Tuesday, the race to find a Republican nominee to challenge incumbent president Barack Obama for the White House this November is still happening.

Image credit: Flickr. BU Interactive News.

Thinking that the primary season, which kicked off in the state of Iowa this past January, had wound down sometime in late February, the nation was surprised to find that three primaries - in Wisconsin, Maryland and Washington D.C. - are set to be contested later today.

"Wow, you've got to be kidding me," said Pittsburgh resident Joel Holladay. "Didn't that guy Romney already have this thing sewn up? And since when is Newt Gingrich still campaigning? I must have stopped following about two months ago."

According to the Associated Press, presidential candidate Rick Santorum - whose momentum in recent primaries has gone largely unnoticed by the American electorate - heads into April looking to close the gap on Mitt Romney, who - according to sensational reports Tuesday - "still hasn't sealed the GOP nomination."

"This is just ludicrous," continued Mr Holladay. "I truly had no idea that the mainstream media was still reporting this shit. Can someone please wake me up when it's November?"

"And, by the grace of God, it looks like Ron Paul is actually still going. How...? what...? I'm done."

Meanwhile, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer was asked by the nation this morning to "please say that again", after asserting that "the candidates could still be going at it for another four months."