Nation's Horses Demand Right to Marry Owners

LEXINGTON, KY - Following yesterday's landmark Supreme Court decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, the nation's horses demanded Thursday the right to marry their owners.

Marriage between members of the Equidae family and homosapiens is not currently recognized by any of the 50 states, though state senators in Alabama are thought to be moving forward with a proposal.

Gun Laws, Same-Sex Marriage, Women's Rights, Economy, Healthcare Reform, Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Syria, Education Set to Become Number One Issue of Election

WASHINGTON D.C. - With the presidential election just 3 months away, political insiders believe that the one central issue facing the candidates in November will be gun laws, same-sex marriage, women's rights, the economy, healthcare reform, and just generally everything that people are upset about.

Despite conventional wisdom dictating that elections of this magnitude never come down to just one single talking point, it is also projected that the national dialogue will turn solely toward the divisive topic of abortion, Syria, education reform, unemployment, and space exploration. And the war on drugs.

"This election won't be decided on which candidate has the greater campaign finance or the most influential endorsements," said political analyst Ray Freeman. "It will come down to one defining issue and that one defining issue will be the death penalty, stem cell research, gas prices, and funding for the arts."

This view, however, would not appear to be shared by Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who is expected to construct his entire campaign around the solitary issue of the economy, taxes, government spending, investment, and a wide series of money stuff. And gay marriage.  

Meanwhile, incumbent president Barack Obama has stated that, while no one topic will force the agenda in November, the one, overwhelming concern among those he has met on the campaign trail is "all of the above."

Image Credit: composite creative commons.

Report: North Carolina May Have Had Secret Gay Relationship with Georgia

ATLANTA - According to a sensational report in the Dover Post today, North Carolina - which controversially passed a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage Tuesday - may itself have had a tumultuous gay relationship with the state of Georgia eight years ago.

Various sources have come forward to allege that the two southeastern states were romantically involved, on-and-off, throughout 2004 and were known to frequent congressional halls and federal buildings together.

"They always used to sit at the back of the chamber," said the pair's former friend, Delaware. "On more than one occasion they sneaked out of political meetings early to "go and catch up on paperwork."

"We all knew what was going on."

In a statement today, North Carolina categorically denied the claims, insisting that she and Georgia were "just really good friends."

"Look, the liberal media is just desperately trying to whip up a story to undermine my beliefs and my core values in this election year," she said. "But neither myself nor Georgia favor gay marriage and our relationship is strictly platonic."

This would mark the second time that an anti-gay state has been accused of same-sex relations with another state, after southern states Alabama and Mississippi were found cuddled up together on Middle Bay Beach.    

Candidate for One of Nation's Top Jobs Keeps Making Homophobic Statements During Job Screening Process

LANSING, MI - A leading candidate for one the nation's top tier jobs is reportedly getting away with making alleged homophobic statements during the position's lengthy screening phase.

Richard Santorum, a former attorney from the state of Virginia, is thought to have created a notable impression on his prospective employers - the people of the United States - despite routinely outlining his firm opposition to the idea of same-sex marriage.

"If we allow gay marriage to become law, then we pave the way for incestuous, polygamist and bestial marriages," Santorum enthusiastically mused, during a provisional interview in New Hampshire - one of the nation's smaller branch offices. "I believe marriage is a privilege, not a right. Not everyone or everything can get married."

Even though such rhetoric would typically result in an immediate rejection notice from prospective employers, Mr Santorum, 53, has somehow remained toward the top of America's shortlist.

"Don't get me wrong," said Santorum, in what was surprisingly regarded by some as a highly successful, rather than awkward, interview in Iowa. "I don't have a problem with homosexuals. I just disapprove of homosexual acts."

Even drawing applause from various recruiters, Mr Santorum went on to criticize the government's decision to repeal the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy - which prevented gays from openly serving in the U.S. Armed Forces.

"Sexual acts do not have a place in our nation's military. Our armed forces serve to protect us and we should not have to worry about what a fellow troop is doing behind us while we engage the enemy. The whole thing is tragic."

Meanwhile, in a separate interview response, Mr Santorum's assertion that he does not want to make "black people's live better" was also bizarrely overlooked by half of the nation's adjudicating panel.

Rick Santorum Appalled That Rick Santorum Popular in State That Recognizes Gay Marriage

DES MOINES, IA - After emerging as one of the frontrunners in last night's caucus in Iowa, social conservative Republican Rick Santorum is utterly dismayed that he is popular in the Hawkeye State - one of only six states to recognize same-sex marriage.

While Santorum's late surge comes as a timely boost to the former Pennsylvania senator's low key presidential candidacy, his staunch opposition to the practice of same-sex marriage - famously ratified by Iowa lawmakers in 2009 - makes it "incredibly hard to enjoy tonight's success".

"While I am truly grateful to the thousands who turned out to vote, I must make clear my dissatisfaction at being associated with the morally perverse state of Iowa," said Santorum in his victory speech.  "I feel like I've been violated."

"Once again, it is nice to get my campaign off to a good start," he continued. "I just wish it didn't have to be in a state that is okay with letting two dudes live the life of holy matrimony. Bring on New Hampshire - another place where the courts don't understand the true meaning of marriage."

Santorum, who fought a close battle with Mitt Romney in last night's caucus, moved to distance himself from the state of Iowa this morning, insisting that "from here, the campaign moves on."

"What can I say? Winning in a state like Texas wouldn't leave me feeling dirty like tonight. I really can't wait to get around to the more traditional places on this journey."

Meanwhile, Mr Santorum would not be drawn on rumors that his campaign team has shelved plans to spend big in the state of New York later this year.  

Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Creative commons.

Creepy, Anti-Gay Congressman Okay with Same-Sex Marriage if it's Smoking Hot Lesbians

CARSON CITY, NV - Despite a strong and consistently anti-gay voting pattern, Congressman Dean Heller (Rep. R-Nevada) has suggested that gay marriage should be a constitutional right in cases where those tying the knot are two outrageously stunning lesbians.

Addressing a summit on civil rights in Carson City Friday, Heller insisted that he was "more than comfortable with the idea of seeing two ravishing blondes exchange wedding vows - so long as they are willing to get it on in a steamy video."

"Generally speaking, I believe that marriage should be recognized as a union between one man and one woman," he said. "But if two girls want to penetrate each other during a night of matrimonial bliss, who am I to say they can't? In fact, I'm all for the idea."

The announcement marks an unusual u-turn for Heller, who went on to reaffirm his opposition to the marital aspirations of gay men, transgendered couples and television personality Rosie O'Donnell.

Indiana Native Kevin J. Thornton Talks About Gay Rights, Touring and His Hit Show

Last night, The Indy Tribune (TIT) caught up with comedian, singer-songwriter and all-round entertainer Kevin J. Thornton, who has been busy touring the country with his stand-up show I Love You (We're Fucked) throughout 2011. This week, Kevin hits Bloomington, before returning for a gig in Indianapolis on November 5th!

TIT: Welcome Kevin; glad you were able to find the time to sit down with us in between shows. How is the tour going?

KJT: I'm so ready for this year to be over; my ass is so worn out! (Laughs). It's been an amazing year for me, but I started this tour in January and my last show is November 17th. I literally have not stopped in 10 months!

TIT: Yes, I saw from your website that you've been a busy bee. I was lucky enough to see your hit show I Love You (We’re Fucked) at this year’s IndyFringe Festival. I get the feeling you rather like Fringe theatre, am I right?

KJT: I do love it. I did 10 fringe fests this year. It's kind of a dream come true for me; it allows me to go to a town where I might not really have a following yet and draw on an existing crowd. And thanks for saying my show was a "hit". Please keep up that sort of language.

TIT: It was five-star brilliance! I was sitting on the front row at ComedySportz. Now, your act doesn’t just consist of stand-up comedy, does it?

KJT: No, sir. It's truly a hybrid of concert, stand-up and storytelling. Although, I want to find a different word besides "storytelling", because I think, for some, that sounds like a librarian with a sock puppet or something.

TIT: Yes, and I wouldn't quite say you fit such a description. Now, in I Love You (We’re Fucked) you opened up about your childhood - growing up gay in conservative southern Indiana. How do you think this has effected your world view and what lasting effect did it have on Kevin J Thornton the performer?

KJT: Well, I think first and foremost it taught me not to give a fuck. But that was no easy lesson to learn. It took many years. But now that's pretty instilled in me. I think for some, that lesson might translate into bitterness (which a lot of comics embody) but for me I think it translated into bravery. And hopefully hilarity.

TIT: I certainly drew both of those characteristics from your show.

KJT: My hit show?

TIT: Sorry, yes. Your mesmerizingly dazzling wonder of a hit show!

KJT: Right.

TIT: Now earlier this year, the state of Indiana passed legislation banning same-sex marriages: will Indiana ever emerge from the Victorian age?

KJT: Oh yeah, for sure. But there's going to be this tipping point; the more conservative states will hold out until the bitter end, then there will be a landslide - pretty much like every other social issue.

TIT: So kind of like a Civil Rights Movement for the 21st century?

KJT: Hell, I don't know really. I'd like to think so, but sometimes my faith in humanity is really thin. I'm really afraid that in 2012 we are going to go into a really intense phase of neoconservatism as the sea of hillbillies lash out against the Obama administration.

TIT: If so, I'm moving home to England! I've already reserved the flights. Now, let’s talk a little more about your tour. You have a show this Thursday at Rachael’s Cafe in Bloomington, IN. Where do we sign up?

KJT: Yes, yes! Well, there are tickets available online on my website, but at the door is fine too.

TIT: Excellent! And how can people keep up-to-date with all your upcoming soon-to-be hit shows?

KJT: I'm a social media whore. Actually, I just gave a lecture on social media at Berkley in San Fransisco! But my website is a good place to start - http://www.kevinjthornton.com.

TIT: How about an exclusive “blood story” for our readers?

KJT: (Laughs). That's always the part everyone remembers (from my shows). On a couple of occasions, I've had complete strangers sing the theme song to me on the street. Would it be a mistake to do that section at Rachael's Cafe if people are eating? (Laughs).

TIT: Depends on the story, I guess. And the food.

KJT: Right, right... I'll have to stay really tuned in.

TIT: Okay, well I understand if you want to save your "blood stories" for the show. Final question: do you have any questions for us?

KJT: Yes, yes I do: I've been sleep walking lately. Why do you think that is?

TIT: Hmm, let me just consult Wikipedia... it says here that Kevin J Thornton has been such a hit on the comedy circuit that he has forgotten to hit something else... the sack! Other reports suggest that he might be a Zombie!

KJT: That's probably the truth, except for the zombie part.

TIT: And on that note, Kevin, you are free to leave.

KJT: Great! Thanks!

Image credit: Zoia Wiseman.

Gay Man Not Ready for Marriage Anyway

INDIANAPOLIS - A 26-year-old homosexual says he has little interest in protesting the imposition of restrictive marriage legislation in the state of Indiana, stating that he has no desire to marry at this time. 

David Schultz, a business consultant in downtown Indy, insists that the ban on same-sex marriage did little to affect his life when it was first ratified earlier this year and he has even turned down several invitations to participate in various rallies and marches across the city.

"A lot of my gay friends have given me hell over this whole issue, but I honestly couldn't care less at this point," he told the Tribune. "If getting married is so important to them then good luck; go and protest. But for me, I'm not going to give up my Saturday afternoons just to haul my ass two miles across the city to wave some stupid signs around".

"I just don't see the fucking point," he added.

Same-sex marriages are permitted in just 6 of America's fifty states, with the state of Indiana passing legislation earlier this year to continue the state's ban on the union of homosexuals.

But when asked whether the measures had caused him to think about relocating to a gay-friendly state such as Massachussetts, Mr Schultz said he had no intention of moving any time soon.

"Look, I'm just not ready to settle down," he said. "In fact, if I'm honest, the whole idea of marriage scares me crazy. I mean, all that compromise and for what? So I can spend the rest of my life being nagged at about dishes. I'm sorry, but the more I think about it, the more I want to just forget about the whole relationship thing altogether."

Image credit: Flickr. DavidSpinks. Creative commons.

God Gay

In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the "steamy and tumultuous relationship" He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover's identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin - something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning.

"I have to put the record straight on homosexuality", he said. "The amount of times I hear that being gay is sinful, immoral or unnatural. If you're so hung up on homosexuality being unnatural then quit with your tanning beds and your hair dye!".

He continued: "I am not going to hide in the closet any longer! Either you accept me for who I am or...or...I'll send you all to Hell!"

Just hours after God's incredible revelation, it has been reported that thousands of divorce papers have been filed by Christians seeking to explore the gay relationships they have spent many years pretending not to want.

In a heart-warming moment, talk-show host Rush Limbaugh was today photographed joyfully walking through Central Park holding hands with a 17-year-old boy, while presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann has reportedly been approached to perform "a raunchy photoshoot for Qr Magazine."

"If being gay is God's will, then I am truly proud to call myself gay", said Mr Limbaugh. "After all, the good lord is deep inside all of us".

Meanwhile, amid the ensuing chaos following God's announcement, 47 of the 50 American States say they would consider state-wide bans on straight marriage, while adoption agencies across the western world have received a 10,000% increase in the volume of incoming calls.

Image credit: public domain.