Obituary - Susan Jeffras

Susan D. Jeffras, 48, died November 7 at Community East Hospital. Jeffras had arrived home from work on Wednesday evening to find that her son Brandon, 16, had cleaned his room, taken out the garbage, prepared dinner, and completed two loads of laundry--including putting the folded laundry away--all without being asked. "I showed her all of that, and she just gasped and clutched at her chest and fell over." Brandon immediately called 911, but Jeffras was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. "Her heart just couldn't take the strain," reported emergency room physician Dr. Mary Stutz. Brandon, who will be moving into the home of his father and Jeffras' ex-husband Gary Jeffras, was in shock. "I never even got to ask her about getting me a car. That's the whole reason I did all that. Oh well, I'll have plenty of chances to try again at Dad's house. That place is a real shithole."

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Indiana Mom Prepares Child For His First Full Day of No More Fun

INDIANAPOLIS - With around two weeks to go until the start of school, Indiana mom Annette Nichols is anxiously getting her 6-year-old son ready for his first day of what will ultimately be no more fun.

Enrolling him in classes at Brookside Elementary School in Indianapolis, Nichols, 37, has already accompanied her son, Evan, to a Back to School festival in an effort to teach him that his days of unbridled playtime are set to become increasingly rare as he gets older.

"It's very important that Evan is not just thrown in at the deep end," said Nichols, herself a teacher. "He has to learn that the carefree, toy-filled world he has enjoyed since birth will soon be replaced by laborious amounts of homework and an endless myriad of standardized tests."

"It's hard telling your only son that Spiderman will eventually cease to be the center of his universe," she continued. "But from the moment he steps foot in Brookside, he has to know that disciplined studying and excellent grades take precedent over the hours he currently spends having fun."

Warning Evan that the rest of his life will likely amount to little more than a continuous stream of regimented graft and thankless chores, Nichols has been secretly confiscating her son's adorable collection of Thomas The Tank Engine coloring books.

Image Credit: Fair use.

Local Mom Just Worries About Her Perfectly Well Adjusted Son, That's All

ANDERSON - Even though her son Ryan has already fashioned a relatively successful career in print publishing, is happily married with two beautiful children and maintains a fulfilling social life, local mom Angela Fernstein just worries about him, that's all.

Image credit: Flickr. brixton. Creative Commons.

Ever since Ryan, now 28, left the family home in 2002 to pursue a degree in Journalism at Ball State University,   Mrs Fernstein has remained in a perpetual state of worry over whether her only son has "enough money to see him through the weekend."

"Perhaps I should send him some cash in the mail," she said, seemingly casting aside all knowledge of her son's $45,000 salary and annual $4,000 bonus. "He did say something about how he and Rebecca haven't bought groceries in two weeks. I hope he's okay."

Displaying a somewhat anxious countenance Friday, Fernstein explained that "there isn't a day goes by when she doesn't worry about Ryan", who was otherwise busy dining at his favorite 5-star restaurant complements of his employers, following news of his recent promotion.

"He didn't quite sound like himself when we last spoke," she pondered, failing to recall that Ryan had merely been exhausted following a really gratifying 5-set tennis match with best friend Anthony. "I'd really ought to pop on over tomorrow - just to make sure he's hanging in there."

Parents Still Having Hard Time Understanding What Son Does for a Living

INDIANAPOLIS - Even though it has been reiterated to them on numerous occasions, Pauline and Michael Croft still have absolutely no idea what it is their son of 22 years does for a living.

Despite being told repeatedly that son Matthew works as an IT adviser for an up-and-coming Indianapolis-based communications company, the two parents are still only able to acknowledge that he "does something with computers."

"Matthew has been extremely successful at... well... that thing he does," said 53-year-old Mr Croft. "What is it called again?"

Even though they are extremely proud of Matthew, the parents have tried and failed to explain to family members that their son is a technical adviser to several influential companies and is a professional HTML interface designer.

"We always knew Matthew would go far in life," said proud mother Pauline. "Granted, he's not the best-selling author we'd hoped he'd be, but at least he's passionate about whatever it is he does. What does he do again, Michael? Something to do with the World Wide Net?"

Their inability to comprehend Matthew's vocational interests is believed to stem back to their son's days at college, when they described his pursuit of a B.S in Environmental Science as "an interesting choice".

Image credit: fair use.

Man Forced to Name Son Spiderman After Facebook Fan Page Reaches 1,000,000 Members

INDIANAPOLIS - A local Facebook user is cursing his luck after his Facebook fan page - 'If 1,000,000 people join I'll name my kid Spiderman' - today reached 1,000,000 members.

Justin Kowalski of Indianapolis says he initially set up the group as a joke, never expecting more than 50 people to show any interest in it. But within a week of its inception, the group had garnered 150,000 members, and its small mention in the Indianapolis Star propelled its membership to as high as 600,000 just days later.

"I could not believe it", said Kowalski. "Here I was thinking no one but my friends would even notice the damn thing, when all of a sudden three quarters of a million people had liked the page. I soon realized I was probably going to have to follow through with my promise".

Kowalski's wife Molly is said to be furious at her husband, not least because she had always planned to name their son after her late father Eric, a man she held very dear.

"My father meant so much to me", she said. "This was supposed to be a way of carrying on his legacy. Now we have no choice but to name our son after a stupid comic book character".

Since receiving word that his fan page had broken the 1 million barrier, Kowalski has 'pleaded' with members to forget they ever joined the page and to let him call the baby something else.

"It's pretty hard to convince some of my most loyal followers", he said. "Perhaps they'll let me get away with using Spiderman as his middle name instead".

This is not the first time a Facebook user has tried to achieve such a feat: in 2007, a British man placed a bet that he could find 1 million people who would disapprove of 'I-Bet-I-Can-Find-1,000,000-People-Who' type fan pages, while one desperate woman's assertion that she could find 1 million men 'who'd like to screw her' backfired when even her boyfriend at the time refused to join the group.

Image credit: composite from creative commons.