Arizona Legislators to Outlaw Baby Wrestling

Arizona legislators are introducing a bill to stop the little known practice called “baby wrestling.” The practice has been described by some as “the new dog fighting,” with participants making tens of thousands of dollars in the betting process. Babies are made to wrestle each other to the death and in some videos babies are even seen wrestling live snakes. The videos have sparked outrage in communities across Arizona.

Opponents are calling the practice “vile and reprehensible.” No one knows just how many baby wrestling rings exist. The bill would include funding for police to shut down the rings, and, because this form of violence against children is perceived as "shocking", law enforcement officials and judges have unsuccessfully attempted to quietly sweep the issue under the rug.

“Children as young as 18 months old are being forced to fight each other,” said Tuscon officer Steve Swanson. In what is being seen as an affront to children across Arizona, baby fighting rings are being exposed.

The clandestine culture of baby wrestling is believed to be directly related to other criminal activity, including baby gang violence. One ring leader, Davios Smith, has already been arrested, and charged with manslaughter. Images and videos of fights were found on his home computer. 

Among the evidence, police found videos of babies forced to crawl on treadmills in an effort to increase their cardiovascular fitness and endurance. One other man, identified as a baby fighting “coach” was arrested and charged with multiple felonies, including child endangerment. Police also found nutritional supplements and hormones along with cocaine and steroids at the home of Smith; it was unclear which drugs and supplements were given to the children.

“This baby fighting has got to stop,” said feminist journalist and anti-baby wrestling activist Marisa Meltzer. She has been one of the most vocal media opponents of the practice to date. The bill is expected to pass in January.

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Center of Universe Needs Diaper Changing

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INDIANAPOLIS - The center of local couple Jeff and Angela Paulson's universe needed its diaper changing Saturday, after defecating all over its Pampers slip-on.

Even though it is routinely described as the "greatest thing in the world", the multicellular organism also managed to spill juice all over the newly installed upholstery.

"I asked Jeff if he could take care of it this time, since I had to do it the last three times," said Mrs Paulson, suggesting that this was not the first occasion on which the entity they fondly refer to as "our beautiful little angel" had pooped its pants. "I took care of the issue on the sofa, though."

Despite also having the honor of being the light of the couple's lives, the 2-foot homo-sapien nonetheless frequently stares off into space, drooling incessantly on its chin.

"This little one is more beautiful than all the stars combined," continued Mrs Paulson, wiping away saliva from the oral area of the 7-month old primate. "Who's a little cutie? Who's a little cutie pie? Yes, you are!"

Meanwhile, it is widely expected that in approximately 14 years, the center of the universe will not only expand in size, but will likely go on to develop acne. 

Image credit: brooklyn skinny. Creative commons.

Dog Suddenly Becomes First Time Dad's Second Best Friend

INDIANAPOLIS - A once unbreakable friendship between local man Philip Ball and his pet Labrador Benji was severely tested Friday when the canine became the first time father's second best friend.

Following the birth of Mr Ball's healthy 7lb son Matthew Joseph late Sunday evening, Benji has done everything possible to catch the attention of his human overlord, who has been otherwise preoccupied with the family's new addition.

"Aren't you just the cutest thing in the world," Mr Ball told the 5-day-old baby, using a playful tone once reserved for his four-legged companion. "You're daddy's favorite, yes you are!"

Speaking to The Indy Tribune, meanwhile, Mr Ball insisted that the joy of parenthood has been such that both he and his wife have barely had time to notice Benji.

"Who?," asked a bewildered Mr Ball. "Oh, right, yeah; Benji. He's outside or something. Aw, I think baby wants to go pot-pot. You want to go pot-pot? Yes you do!"

Since little Matthew's birth, Mr Ball has replaced the once daily activity of playing fetch in the back yard with shaking rattles, changing diapers and decorating the baby room.

"Being a dad is the greatest thing in the world," said Mr Ball, laying Matthew down in his cot. "I get to relive my childhood all over again through Matthew's beautiful eyes. You can't really do that with a dog."

In a vain attempt to reclaim best friend status this morning, Benji was seen licking the right hand of his master, who was otherwise busy making faces at Matthew.

Image credit: fair use.

Full-Time Mom 'Looking to Go Part-Time'

INDIANAPOLIS - Full-time mother of three, Stephanie Grantham, 22, has indicated to friends and relatives that she is about to go part-time in an effort to advance her dwindling social life.

Miss Grantham, who has spent 5 years managing her children's daily lives on a rolling seven day week, says she is looking to reduce her hours so that she can spend more time concentrating on shopping, hanging out with friends and consuming alcohol.

"I'm totally being shafted over with the hours I'm working," said the Indianapolis resident, knocking back a double gin and tonic. "Can you believe I've not had a day off in two years? Raising three little kids is a very demanding job, and from the very start I never imagined I'd still be going full time after five years."

"I'm just hoping I can get on the 11:00 to 1:30 schedule."

Meanwhile, Miss Grantham says that, as well as cutting down her maternal responsibilities, she is desperately hoping to get Saturdays and Sundays off, primarily so that she can get trashed and watch game shows with her best friend Angela. 

Image credit: mrgreen09. Creative commons.

Woman Gives Birth to $22,000 of Debt

ANDERSON - A local woman has successfully given birth to $22,000 of debt. When her water broke at around 2:30pm yesterday, Stacy Dunlop, 23, was rushed to the maternity ward of St John's hospital in Anderson, where she spent 5 hours in labor. 


With her husband Brandon at her side, Mrs Dunlop gave birth to the debt - also known as Charlie Michael - at approximately 7:17pm, weighing 7lbs 2oz. For new father, Brandon, watching doctors deliver a newborn mountain of financial hardship was an "overwhelming experience." 


"Nothing prepares you for a moment like this," he said. "I... I just can't believe how many loans we're going to have to take out." 


While government benefits are expected to alleviate some of the financial burden on the new family, the young couple have already taken out 3 emergency loans and are expected to create a savings account in Charlie's name to cover education and welfare costs. 


"Until you've been through it yourself, you can't imagine what it's like to hold something so delicate in your arms," said exhausted first time mother, Stacey. "It's amazing to think that two humans can create such an overwhelming debt problem."


Despite such a huge setback to their finances, however, the Dunlops have bizarrely agreed to try for at least two more huge debts over the next three or four years.  

Image credit: fair use.

Desperate Baby Opts to Abort Unwanted Parents

NOBLESVILLE - After almost 4 months inside the womb of his mother Madeleine, a desperate unborn fetus today declared his intention to abort both unwanted parents in a swift operation immediately after he is born. 

Baby P, who is now at the end of the first trimester, told the Tribune that he has explored other avenues - such as having Marsha and father Nick adopted out to other babies - but came to the conclusion that parental abortion was the "best option for all parties". 

"This was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make", said Baby P. "But I just didn't plan to have parents at this stage of my life. I'm simply not ready yet". He continued: "Bringing parents into this world requires a huge amount of responsibility and I don't think I'm capable of fulfilling the demanding duties of being a son at this time."

Certain pro-choice groups have welcomed the decision. The Foundation for Independent Babies applauded Baby P for taking such brave steps in the face of growing pressure to keep his parents. However, local pro-life advocates today protested Baby P's decision, with chants of "a parent can feel" ringing out during a small demonstration outside the family's home. 

One activist told the Tribune: "What Baby P is choosing to do is immoral. It doesn't matter if his parents are still in the early mental development stages: they still have the right to choose whether they get to destroy this baby's future or not."

Image credit: Flickr. latedda. Creative Commons.