Proud New Parents Saving Up To One Day Put Their Son Through College Parties

INDIANAPOLIS - In an effort to one day give their new son the kind of opportunities that they themselves did not have growing up, the proud parents of newly born Thomas Michael Henrikson opened up a savings account Tuesday in the hopes of eventually putting him through college parties.


Securing the account with an initial $150 dollars - the approximate cost of 15 cases of San Miguel - Denise and Dustin Henrikson insisted that they only want the best for little Thomas, who was born Saturday June 16, weighing 6lbs 9oz.


"When I was growing up, my parents - God love 'em - couldn't afford any kind of future for me and my brother," said first-time mother Mrs Henrikson. "We just want to create a security blanket for James so that he doesn't ever have to go without the necessary supplies. A 33oz bottle of Jack Daniel's is fricking expensive these days, man."


Outlining their intention to set aside $200-a-month for the next 18 years, the couple hopes to save over $50,000 after interest - a figure that would go a long to securing Thomas' excessive drinking habits and cavalier social life once he hits college age.


"Heck, all of my college inebriation was paid for by student loans, which I am still paying back," said proud father Mr Henrikson. "Our long term aim is to put Michael through three years of frat parties, bar crawls and excessive drinking, without having to burden him with high interest loans."


"It's... it's the right thing to do."


Despite their apparent enthusiasm for Thomas' future, however, the Henriksons say the high cost of alcohol at Ivy League schools could be a factor in their son not choosing the likes of Harvard or Princeton.


"According to what you read, you can have just as good a social life at Butler University as you can at, say, Yale, and for a third of the cost," continued Mr Henrikson. "But we'll see."          

Parents Hail Terrible High School Production of Hamlet a Pretty Neat Little Show

INDIANAPOLIS - Lacking the necessary analytical skills to objectively critique a work of theatre, parents of youngsters in a St Vincent High School production of Hamlet thought that the laborious, 3-hour show was pretty neat.

Congratulating her son Ben on what was actually a painfully lackluster and wooden performance in the title role, Maggie Polworth insisted that the 17-year-old was "really fun" and that he looked "very funny" in those navy blue tights.

"Wow, that was... wow," she said, addressing Ben after the performance. "You did really good." 

"What a fun little play that was," she continued.

Having displayed no elementary understanding of the main plot points of Shakespeare's famous tragedy, the parents of Sophie Anderson, who was horribly miscast as Ophelia, couldn't believe how their 16-year-old daughter "managed to remember all of those lines."

"She didn't fluff one," said the girl's father Gary. "I mean she was... you did terrific tonight, honey."

These proclamations come just two months after virtually the same sets of parents were left utterly confused by Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot, which they never-the-less regarded as a... well, an interesting story.  

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Parents Still Having Hard Time Understanding What Son Does for a Living

INDIANAPOLIS - Even though it has been reiterated to them on numerous occasions, Pauline and Michael Croft still have absolutely no idea what it is their son of 22 years does for a living.

Despite being told repeatedly that son Matthew works as an IT adviser for an up-and-coming Indianapolis-based communications company, the two parents are still only able to acknowledge that he "does something with computers."

"Matthew has been extremely successful at... well... that thing he does," said 53-year-old Mr Croft. "What is it called again?"

Even though they are extremely proud of Matthew, the parents have tried and failed to explain to family members that their son is a technical adviser to several influential companies and is a professional HTML interface designer.

"We always knew Matthew would go far in life," said proud mother Pauline. "Granted, he's not the best-selling author we'd hoped he'd be, but at least he's passionate about whatever it is he does. What does he do again, Michael? Something to do with the World Wide Net?"

Their inability to comprehend Matthew's vocational interests is believed to stem back to their son's days at college, when they described his pursuit of a B.S in Environmental Science as "an interesting choice".

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Desperate Baby Opts to Abort Unwanted Parents

NOBLESVILLE - After almost 4 months inside the womb of his mother Madeleine, a desperate unborn fetus today declared his intention to abort both unwanted parents in a swift operation immediately after he is born. 

Baby P, who is now at the end of the first trimester, told the Tribune that he has explored other avenues - such as having Marsha and father Nick adopted out to other babies - but came to the conclusion that parental abortion was the "best option for all parties". 

"This was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make", said Baby P. "But I just didn't plan to have parents at this stage of my life. I'm simply not ready yet". He continued: "Bringing parents into this world requires a huge amount of responsibility and I don't think I'm capable of fulfilling the demanding duties of being a son at this time."

Certain pro-choice groups have welcomed the decision. The Foundation for Independent Babies applauded Baby P for taking such brave steps in the face of growing pressure to keep his parents. However, local pro-life advocates today protested Baby P's decision, with chants of "a parent can feel" ringing out during a small demonstration outside the family's home. 

One activist told the Tribune: "What Baby P is choosing to do is immoral. It doesn't matter if his parents are still in the early mental development stages: they still have the right to choose whether they get to destroy this baby's future or not."

Image credit: Flickr. latedda. Creative Commons.