WASHINGTON D.C. - According to national sources Tuesday, the race to find a Republican nominee to challenge incumbent president Barack Obama for the White House this November is still happening.
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"Wow, you've got to be kidding me," said Pittsburgh resident Joel Holladay. "Didn't that guy Romney already have this thing sewn up? And since when is Newt Gingrich still campaigning? I must have stopped following about two months ago."
According to the Associated Press, presidential candidate Rick Santorum - whose momentum in recent primaries has gone largely unnoticed by the American electorate - heads into April looking to close the gap on Mitt Romney, who - according to sensational reports Tuesday - "still hasn't sealed the GOP nomination."
"This is just ludicrous," continued Mr Holladay. "I truly had no idea that the mainstream media was still reporting this shit. Can someone please wake me up when it's November?"
"And, by the grace of God, it looks like Ron Paul is actually still going. How...? what...? I'm done."
Meanwhile, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer was asked by the nation this morning to "please say that again", after asserting that "the candidates could still be going at it for another four months."