Santorum Ends Nation's Intense Fear of His Candidacy

WASHINGTON D.C. - Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum announced the end to the country's growing anxiety over his candidacy Tuesday, insisting that "personal issues had forced him to suspend national Santorum paranoia prematurely."

Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Creative Commons.

Mr Santorum, who's daughter was hospitalized earlier this week, held a press conference yesterday to officially end what had been a hard fought battle against the collective nerve of the American electorate.

"I entered this race with the intention of terrifying the American people with the prospect of me - Rick Santorum - actually becoming leader of the free world. It is with great regret, however, that I must draw this campaign of terror to a close. I am suspending the God awful fear of a Santorum presidency, effective immediately."

Meanwhile, Mr Santorum's announcement is widely expected to clear the way for widespread fears of Mitt Romney's eventual nomination later this year.

Republicans Still Divided on which Candidate Best Equipped to Lose to Obama at Election

WASHINGTON - According to a Zogby poll, conservative voters across the nation are still heavily divided over which Republican Party candidate is the most qualified to take on, and ultimately lose to, incumbent president, Barack Obama.

Despite gains in Michigan, Arizona and most recently Wyoming, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has struggled to convince the nation's social conservative base that he is the right man to win the party's nomination for an inevitably catastrophic bid for the White House.

Image credit: Gage Skidmore/Jessica Rinaldi. CC.

However, following his victory in Wyoming, the 64-year-old insisted that "voters are more likely to not elect me to the presidency than any other candidate in this race."

"I mean, think about," he said, before hundreds of his supporters. "I'm a filthy rich businessman with no discernible connection to middle America, I have consistently flip-flopped on many of the key issues facing this country and I am a Mormon. I am totally unelectable."

"I am the right man to lose in a landslide to the president," he continued.

Despite Romney's increasing delegate count, however, there has been a resurgent number of voters backing former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum in recent weeks. Some believe that Santorum's strong stance against same-sex marriage and over-the-counter contraception, as well as inexplicable opposition to further education make him a prime candidate to win his party's nomination and suffer a humiliating defeat in the November election.

"Nobody is more of an electoral liability than Rick Santorum," said ardent Santorum supporter, Janice Nichols. "Since the turn of the year, he has systematically alienated virtually every voter in the country, he has relatively little experience of balancing a budget and he's... well he's an insufferable prick. That's why he gets my vote."

As the economy continues to show steady improvement under Obama's leadership and unpopular wars in the Middle East draw to a close, Republicans are "working around the clock" to select a candidate incapable of connecting with the American electorate.

"I wouldn't rule out Gingrich, just yet," said life-long Republican Joe Ketsbia. "After all, he doesn't stand a chance."      

Candidate for One of Nation's Top Jobs Keeps Making Homophobic Statements During Job Screening Process

LANSING, MI - A leading candidate for one the nation's top tier jobs is reportedly getting away with making alleged homophobic statements during the position's lengthy screening phase.

Richard Santorum, a former attorney from the state of Virginia, is thought to have created a notable impression on his prospective employers - the people of the United States - despite routinely outlining his firm opposition to the idea of same-sex marriage.

"If we allow gay marriage to become law, then we pave the way for incestuous, polygamist and bestial marriages," Santorum enthusiastically mused, during a provisional interview in New Hampshire - one of the nation's smaller branch offices. "I believe marriage is a privilege, not a right. Not everyone or everything can get married."

Even though such rhetoric would typically result in an immediate rejection notice from prospective employers, Mr Santorum, 53, has somehow remained toward the top of America's shortlist.

"Don't get me wrong," said Santorum, in what was surprisingly regarded by some as a highly successful, rather than awkward, interview in Iowa. "I don't have a problem with homosexuals. I just disapprove of homosexual acts."

Even drawing applause from various recruiters, Mr Santorum went on to criticize the government's decision to repeal the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy - which prevented gays from openly serving in the U.S. Armed Forces.

"Sexual acts do not have a place in our nation's military. Our armed forces serve to protect us and we should not have to worry about what a fellow troop is doing behind us while we engage the enemy. The whole thing is tragic."

Meanwhile, in a separate interview response, Mr Santorum's assertion that he does not want to make "black people's live better" was also bizarrely overlooked by half of the nation's adjudicating panel.

Rick Santorum Appalled That Rick Santorum Popular in State That Recognizes Gay Marriage

DES MOINES, IA - After emerging as one of the frontrunners in last night's caucus in Iowa, social conservative Republican Rick Santorum is utterly dismayed that he is popular in the Hawkeye State - one of only six states to recognize same-sex marriage.

While Santorum's late surge comes as a timely boost to the former Pennsylvania senator's low key presidential candidacy, his staunch opposition to the practice of same-sex marriage - famously ratified by Iowa lawmakers in 2009 - makes it "incredibly hard to enjoy tonight's success".

"While I am truly grateful to the thousands who turned out to vote, I must make clear my dissatisfaction at being associated with the morally perverse state of Iowa," said Santorum in his victory speech.  "I feel like I've been violated."

"Once again, it is nice to get my campaign off to a good start," he continued. "I just wish it didn't have to be in a state that is okay with letting two dudes live the life of holy matrimony. Bring on New Hampshire - another place where the courts don't understand the true meaning of marriage."

Santorum, who fought a close battle with Mitt Romney in last night's caucus, moved to distance himself from the state of Iowa this morning, insisting that "from here, the campaign moves on."

"What can I say? Winning in a state like Texas wouldn't leave me feeling dirty like tonight. I really can't wait to get around to the more traditional places on this journey."

Meanwhile, Mr Santorum would not be drawn on rumors that his campaign team has shelved plans to spend big in the state of New York later this year.  

Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Creative commons.