Republican Whose Home Destroyed by Hurricane Sandy Reluctantly Accepts Government Handouts

STAMFORD, CT - In the aftermath of one of the worst storms to batter the East Coast of the United States in recorded history, a Republican man whose lakeside house was left with almost $1.7-million-worth of damage at the hands of Hurricane Sandy reluctantly accepted government handouts Tuesday, as FEMA moved to assist those in need.

Despite routinely criticizing the Obama Administration for its perceived expansion of entitlement programs, longtime GOP supporter, James Winkler of Stamford Connecticut, held his head in his hands today, and conceded: "okay, just this once."

"Even though I firmly believe it is inherently wrong for the people of this great nation to depend on government for any kind of benefit or financial relief," he said, "my home and everything that I hold dear has been taken away from me."

"That is why I will begrudgingly accept a little bit of help from FEMA. Just a little bit. One time only."

In an effort to be clear, the 57-year-old insisted, that just because he was willing to make an exception this time around, doesn't mean that his staunch opposition to programs such as social security, medicare and unemployment insurance would not "remain as strong as ever."

"Look, just because an exceptional circumstance has arisen, whereby I have ultimately been rendered penniless, does not mean that the people should have to become dependent on government."

"The government should rely on its people, not the other way around," he continued, staring defeated at his flooded house. "Only on occasions like this - when all is lost, when a person cannot help themselves - is it okay for government to intervene."

Meanwhile, it is understood that Mr. Winkler diffidently offered his gratitude to the government-employed firemen who rescued him from the second floor of his house late last night.

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Nervous Republican Intern Suggests Everyone Just Take a Second and Look at The 19th Amendment

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WASHINGTON D.C. - Aware of the seeming neglect of women's rights in various areas of Republican Party policy recently, nervous 22-year-old intern Kevin Tisley suggested to advisers and the wider GOP committee Wednesday that everyone just stop talking for a second and take a look at the 19th amendment.

Apprehensively leaving his desk, from which he routinely emails potential voters and files campaign literature, Tisley suddenly interrupted a group discussion about ending Planned Parenthood, alerting those present that "holy shit, women actually comprise fifty percent of the electorate. It says so right here."

"Look, I know this is crazy," trembled the Political Science major, "but according to this document, the female demographic  - whose rights we have been stoically trying to reduce all this time - are going to be voting this November."

"Somebody needs to call the RNC and warn them," he continued.

Outlining the implications of his discovery to policymakers in attendance, Tisley brought home the real possibility that millions of women  - women, who it turns out, have every chance of voting in the presidential, senatorial and local elections this fall - may have overheard Republican rhetoric calling for cuts in breast cancer screenings, the woman's right to choose and government assistance for single mothers.

"Look, if these women are all aware of everything we've been saying about them, we don't have a chance," continued Tisley. "We need to do something immediately. Does anyone have Mitch McConnell's number?"

Calming the young gentleman down, meanwhile, one adviser, reading over the document, eventually pointed out that "it says here that women have been voting for almost a century."

"Well, there's clearly nothing to worry about, in that case" she said. "We've clearly gotten away with it many times in the past."          

Santorum Ends Nation's Intense Fear of His Candidacy

WASHINGTON D.C. - Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum announced the end to the country's growing anxiety over his candidacy Tuesday, insisting that "personal issues had forced him to suspend national Santorum paranoia prematurely."

Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Creative Commons.

Mr Santorum, who's daughter was hospitalized earlier this week, held a press conference yesterday to officially end what had been a hard fought battle against the collective nerve of the American electorate.

"I entered this race with the intention of terrifying the American people with the prospect of me - Rick Santorum - actually becoming leader of the free world. It is with great regret, however, that I must draw this campaign of terror to a close. I am suspending the God awful fear of a Santorum presidency, effective immediately."

Meanwhile, Mr Santorum's announcement is widely expected to clear the way for widespread fears of Mitt Romney's eventual nomination later this year.

Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings

WASHINGTON D.C. - Speaking amid right-wing concerns that the United States is slowly becoming a socialist nation, Jesus Christ insisted Thursday that he just sort of assumed that members of the Republican Party - which comprises some of his most ardent followers -  knew about his own socialist leanings.

The Son of God has kept relatively quiet during the Republican presidential primaries, which has seen candidates hurl vitriolic attacks against President Obama for "socializing the United States of America."

However, the latest statements made by presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, who accused Obama of left-wing radicalism Wednesday, have prompted Christ to speak out.

"Look, I was under the impression that my stance on political issues was widely known across the American congress," he said. "How much clearer can I be? Did I not famously share the wealth when I fed the five thousand? I thought I was pretty clear about that. And did I not lead a revolution against Roman imperialism. I mean, hello? How much of a clue do you need?"

During the 45-minute rant Thursday, Christ also hit back at critics of President Obama's 2010 Healthcare Reform Bill, which has come under heavy fire from the majority of Republicans since its ratification.

"How many times do I have to say it?" he continued. "When I heal the sick, I don't turn away patients because of pre-existing conditions or because they don't have health insurance. If somebody needs medical care, I give it to them. Period."

"If anything, the president didn't go far enough."

Christ, a former teacher and laborer, was also quick to point out his propensity for forming communes, a word synonymous in Republican circles with communism.

"I just don't know what else to say to these conservatives. Firstly, communism and socialism are two vastly different political systems," he said. "Secondly, if these GOP presidential candidates are such loyal followers of mine and everything I stand for, why are they so opposed to the idea of looking out for one another."

"Did I not, after all, teach the idea of loving each other? Yes, I think that was me."

Image credit: public domain.

Mitt Romney Wins in, Wait, Does Anyone Actually Still Give A Shit About This?

TALLAHASSEE - Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney last night celebrated a hefty victory in the most recent Republican Party primary in the southern state of, wait, does anyone even give two shits about this race anymore?

Defeating his nearest rival Newt Gingrich by 14%, Mr Romney insisted that he is the best man to defeat President Barack Obama in November's holy fuck, this shit's getting old.

"Today's victory is massive," said the former Massachusetts Governor, as votes from the final precincts started to oh God, do we really have another nine months of this? Somebody kill me. "Now we move onto Nevada with momentum firmly in our favor."

Despite recent attack ads from the Gingrich campaign, Mr Romney spent big in the most recent leg of the 2012 election, giving him a clear, hey, this was all totally said last week.

"When I am elected president of the United States, I will repeal Obamacare," continued Mr Romney, in a pledge that is set to increase his popularity and oh, dear Lord, somebody change the fucking record already. It's like watching paint dry."

Meanwhile, the other two candidates in the race - Rick Santorum and Ron Paul - have focused all of their efforts on Nevada, which will go to the polls on right, that's it, I'm ready to stab my eyes out.

Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Creative commons.

Obama Finding Republican Presidential Race Increasingly Hilarious

WASHINGTON - Ahead of Saturday's primary in South Carolina, sources close to President Barack Obama have revealed that the Commander-in-chief continues to derive secret amusement from watching the Republican race for the White House.

Following a week in which one-time conservative front-runner Rick Perry suspended his campaign and embattled former House Speaker Newt Gingrich was forced to once more defend his own marital record, White House sources reported hearing the distinct sound of chuckles emanating from the Oval Office Friday.    

"The president seems to be taking great joy from watching the Republican nominees systematically embarrass themselves," said outgoing Chief of Staff William Daley. "The more fucked up and insane these Republicans become, the harder he laughs."

Publicly, Mr Obama has remained quiet on the GOP campaign effort, opting to sit back - in the comfort of the White House - and wallow in the realization that one of these jokers will actually try to defeat him in the November election.

"He just becomes a complete mess every time Gingrich opens his fat little mouth and says something so indignant, that he alienates around ten thousand voters at a time," said Vice President Joe Biden. "Barack gets a real kick out of that."

"Oh yeah, and every time Mitt Romney inadvertently shows himself to be completely out of touch with middle America, Barack is usually on the floor laughing his balls off. It's... it's quite a sight, let me tell you."

Meanwhile, having announced plans to shrink government and after overseeing a much improved job market, President Obama is expected to announce publicly just "how God damn fucking funny" these Republicans are.    

Image credit: Marc Nozell. Creative commons.

Republicans to Mark MLK Day with Vitriolic Attack on Black Man

WASHINGTON D.C. - Republicans in the House and Senate, along with the party's presidential candidates, are set to spend the entirety of Martin Luther King Jr. Day dishing out relentless criticism of a black man.

Insisting that the man in question - who is thought to be of Kenyan descent - has "gone to great lengths to bring about the downfall of the United States of America," presidential front-runner Mitt Romney said that the African-American individual "must be stopped in 2012."

"It is not acceptable for him to get away with this kind of irresponsibility any longer," said the former Massachusetts Governor, who has openly approved televised ads verbally attacking the black man. "The people of this great country demand better, and that is what I will give them."

On what is intended to be a day marking the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr., who led the civil rights movement of the 1960s and paved the way for racial equality throughout the land, presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich took a moment to pour derision on the black man's attempt at doing his job.

"Let's face it," said Gingrich - himself a longstanding vocal critic of the black man. "He is not being honest with the American people. Every day, he imposes his socialist agenda on this great nation in a way that makes Stalin look compassionate. He is dangerous and cannot be trusted."

Despite officially acknowledging the enormous adversity overcome by blacks in the last 50 years, House Speaker John Boehner vowed that the black man will be relieved of his job later this year, and that Republicans were unified in their efforts to oust him.

"I don't think it's any secret that we will do everything and anything to make sure he is removed from his position," he said. "Make no mistake, we're taking him down."

Image credit: fair use.

Republican Presidential Race Cancelled Following Poor Ratings

WASHINGTON DC - Several major television networks have announced that the Republican race for the White House - which premiered last April across America - is to be cancelled after only one caucus.

Executives decided to pull the plug on the reality TV show - which centered its plot around the political aspirations of a diverse number of conservative characters - following declining viewing figures.

"Though we had high hopes for this show when it first aired," said NBC producer Marshall Rachniev, "it just performed poorly against episodes of Glee and re-runs of The Office."

The Republican Race for the White House was met with mixed reactions among critics, who widely agree that it "never really recovered after the characters of pizza mogul Herman Cain and mother of 28 Michelle Bachmann were axed from the show."    

Many of the show's failings, however, have been blamed on "predictable story-lines and trite character arcs," with some analysts insisting that the show "didn't ever quite know whether it was a serious drama or a sitcom."

"By the end, I was getting really bored with the whole "Mitt-Romney-is-ahead-in-the-polls" through-plot," said political enthusiast Sherry Kobiak. "And why did a different freaking character have a poll surge every week? It just got so confusing." 

Meanwhile, the networks would not be drawn on whether Decision 2012 - a proposed spin-off series due for launch in November - would still be aired.

Image credit: Gage Skidmore, composite. Creative commons.

Republicans Lend Support to Bill That Will Help Stimulate Their Election Hopes

WASHINGTON DC - The Republican Party has announced its support for an extension to payroll tax cuts in a move that House Speaker John Boehner believes will help stimulate the GOP's chances of landing the White House in 2012.

Initially refusing a vote on the bill, which had already passed through the Senate Saturday, Boehner announced that he and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid had reached a deal that will ensure no further tax increases for millions of potential voters.

"We believe this bill will go a long way to shoring up the nation's flagging Republican voter base," said Boehner in a House session yesterday. "Millions of undecided voters will now be able to get through the first two months of 2012 without the burden of extra taxes or a cut in unemployment benefits. It is the right move for all voters, but particularly those who might be intrigued by the policies of, say, Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich."

The bill, which is expected to be signed into law before the tax cuts expire on December 31, will help to increase job opportunities for tens of thousands of workers who, Boehner was quick to put out, are of voting age.

"We hope to see the immediate results of these measures when they go into effect on January 1st," contuned Boehner. "Just in time for the Iowa caucus."    

Image credit: Pete Souza. Creative commons.

Republican Leaders Really Wish They'd Vetted Presidential Candidates Ahead of Campaign

WASHINGTON DC - Leaders of the Republican Party have admitted "deep regret" at not having vetted the party's 2012 presidential candidates before campaigning got underway.

"At first, everything was really exciting and people were bringing fresh ideas to the table," said Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell. "But pretty soon we started to realize that some of these candidates were just... well, fucking crazy."

Following the most recent live gaffe by presidential hopeful Rick Perry, McConnell insisted that while he still has enormous respect for the Texas Governor, the "thought of this man ever becoming president is frankly very frightening."

"I know Governor Perry personally and he's done one heck of a job at the state level," continued McConnell. "But, man, the fact that he is just a few million votes away from the presidency is just unimaginable."

"God help us," he concluded.

Meanwhile, Republican leader John Boehner - himself prone to eccentric public outbursts - admitted that, in hindsight, more checks and balances should have been instilled to prevent "just anybody" from running.

"Even at the time, I thought it was pretty whacky that a former pizza mogul was running for the White House," he said, speaking of Herman Cain. "But I just thought, let's see where this goes; the guy might just be what we need to take on the Obama administration. In light of recent events, I realize I was wrong."

Mr Cain, who has been accused by four previous employees of sexual harassment, and who clearly displays an unwillingness to discuss such matters, says he has no plans of quitting his campaign.

"It's just so messed up," continued Boehner. "If Herman Cain was applying for any other position in America he would be turned away immediately. I just... my gosh... what have we done?"

Insisting that the current crop of candidates had somehow managed to achieve the unthinkable and actually make Mitt Romney look pretty good, both Boehner and McConnell reserved special mention for congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, whose own outlandish public comments - such as suggesting that the film The Lion King is turning American children into homosexuals and that Occupy Wall Street protesters are "ignorant and disrespectful" - have been well documented in recent weeks.

"Naturally, having a female in the race gave us an initial edge," continued Boehner. "Michelle Bachmann seemed the perfect answer to Hillary Clinton and a viable alternative to Sarah Palin. But the truth is, she is just one crazy, fucked up woman."

"I really have no idea how we allowed this to happen."

In a government report released last month, meanwhile, it was revealed that the GOP candidates in question were "not nearly as terrifying as the very people who plan to vote for them."   

Image credit: fair use.

Rick Perry Vows to Mislead America Out of Financial Crisis

TEXAS - Sources close to Texas governor and 2012 presidential hopeful Rick Perry believe that he has the best credentials to mislead America out of the financial crisis that has blighted it for three years.

Perry, who sought an exploratory commission to run for the White House in August, is respected on the conservative right for his strong sense of misleadership during a record 11-year gubernatorial reign.

Having misguided the state of Texas to relative economic stability, Perry is expected to center his entire campaign around his ability to lead the nation astray.

"Mr Perry knows exactly what the people want, and he's prepared to do anything to ensure that they are deluded into believing that they are getting it," said Perry campaign staffer Rich Beeson. "Mr Perry truly is the man to mislead this country forward."

Several analysts have placed Mr Perry as the GOP frontrunner ahead of next year's election, insisting that his ultra-conservative stance on social issues such as gay marriage and abortion make him the ideal candidate to misfire the economy back to good health.

"He's not going to dwell too much on policies that will make him look bad," continued Beeson. "More likely, he will pitch proven conservative ideals such as his opposition to abortion or the need to de-fund National Public Radio."

Meanwhile, in an address to voters in Iowa, fellow GOP hopeful Rick Santorum has begun a nationwide fundraising crusade, vowing to misuse every penny on his own potentially awful run for president.  

Image credit: creative commons. Gage Skidmore.