During a controversial speech outside the White House Saturday, Mr Obama addressed the so-called "threat to the nation's welfare" of unemployment, with equally heartless members of congress also calling for the creation of thousands of thankless and miserable jobs for the American people to endure.
"This administration is strongly committed to putting more people back to work," said Mr Obama. "We have already introduced several measures to try and stimulate job growth and by next year we aim to put 1.5 million Americans into the careers they are fated to suffer."
The issue of unemployment has intensified over the past 18 months, with the economic crisis helping 30 million happy citizens avoid work altogether.
However, if the sinister machinations of both major parties come to fruition, millions of people will be forced to give up their jobless, sofa-bound lifestyles in the name of what Obama calls "opportunity." As a result, daytime ratings for cable TV networks such as Spike and Lifetime are expected to plummet.
"We are the party of jobs and opportunity," insisted the President. "If there's one thing that me and my adversaries can agree on, it's that we must ensure a job, however demeaning and mind-numbingly dull, for every American who is fit to work."
Obama's announcement comes amid weeks of intense protesting on Wall Street, as thousands of masochistic activists continue to actually petition the government to create more jobs.
"I guess some people just like the idea of mindlessly hauling ass for eight hours a day," speculated House Speaker John Boehner. "Well, those protesters better damn sure be careful what they wish for."
Image credit: U.S. Federal Government. Public Domain.
