NPR Coverage of Petraeus Affair Interrupted by Annoying, Irrelevant Report on Syria Slaughter

WASHINGTON D.C. - National Public Radio came under attack from various sections of the mainstream media Tuesday, after its scheduled coverage of the ongoing General David Petreaus affair was bizarrely interrupted by an in-depth report on the most recent and non-news-worthy slaughter in Syria.

Insisting that NPR "ignored its duty to prioritize information that was very much in the public interest", a spokesperson for CNN said that "it was extremely irresponsible (of NPR) to give violence in Damascus such overwhelming attention at the expense of letting the American people know how one of our most decorated generals cheated on his wife of 38 years."

"NPR really dropped the ball on this one," continued the spokesperson. "What is news-journalism coming to when filler material about 350 dead non-Americans is scheduled ahead of investigative reports into the life and background of Petraeus' mistress, Paula Broadwell?"

"The American public have a right to know about these things."

Airing a pointless, 15-minute critique of the al-Asaad regime, after only a cursory look into General Petraeus' subsequent feelings of guilt and regret, National Public Radio, says Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, "compromised 42 years of integrity."

"Folks, this is what your tax dollars are being spent on: lazy, dumbed-down reporting that masquerades as news," said Smith. "The American people don't need to be bombarded with images of devastated city squares, or Syria's fatality statistics. Especially when we're just now getting word that FBI agents have entered Miss Broadwell's home. You heard me right, folks: they have entered Miss Broadwell's home."      

Responding to the controversy, meanwhile, NPR officials drew further ire this afternoon when it was announced that crucial statements set to be given by Petraeus' wife, Holly, Wednesday would follow an hour-long report into the "uninspiring and outdated" topic of climate change.         

---

More National Stories | Go To The Front Page

---

Gun Laws, Same-Sex Marriage, Women's Rights, Economy, Healthcare Reform, Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Syria, Education Set to Become Number One Issue of Election

WASHINGTON D.C. - With the presidential election just 3 months away, political insiders believe that the one central issue facing the candidates in November will be gun laws, same-sex marriage, women's rights, the economy, healthcare reform, and just generally everything that people are upset about.

Despite conventional wisdom dictating that elections of this magnitude never come down to just one single talking point, it is also projected that the national dialogue will turn solely toward the divisive topic of abortion, Syria, education reform, unemployment, and space exploration. And the war on drugs.

"This election won't be decided on which candidate has the greater campaign finance or the most influential endorsements," said political analyst Ray Freeman. "It will come down to one defining issue and that one defining issue will be the death penalty, stem cell research, gas prices, and funding for the arts."

This view, however, would not appear to be shared by Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who is expected to construct his entire campaign around the solitary issue of the economy, taxes, government spending, investment, and a wide series of money stuff. And gay marriage.  

Meanwhile, incumbent president Barack Obama has stated that, while no one topic will force the agenda in November, the one, overwhelming concern among those he has met on the campaign trail is "all of the above."

Image Credit: composite creative commons.

Mass Genocide in Syria Covered Up By The Olympics

NEW YORK, NY - According to various sources, a case of mass genocide in Syria - in which 3,000 people were slaughtered by pro-government forces Friday - was successfully covered up by the media's overwhelming coverage of the Olympic Games.

It is believed that hundreds of armed security guards, loyal to President Bashar al-Assad, took to the streets early Friday to halt a large-scale demonstration in Damascus, though sources in New York claim the resulting deaths were kept quiet by the adorable, televised presence of London 2012 mascots Wenlock and Mandeville.

"We have reasonable cause to believe that NBC, ESPN and possibly the BBC were complicit in a widescale cover-up, in which they used lies, deception and the enduring image of David Beckham holding aloft the torch of the Olympiad to mask the atrocities in Damascus," said New York Times journalist, Des Waters. "Obviously details of the bloodshed are difficult to determine at this time, such is the widespread media fascination with all things Olympics, but more will likely be known in the coming months."


Experts believe that information may be prized into the public domain once interest in the Olympics begins to wane. Historically, this has coincided with the introduction of weightlifting.

"Rest assured, there will be a thorough investigation into the tragic events in Syria," said UN Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon. "If looped footage of Michael Phelps waving at the crowd aided elements within the al-Assad regime, then we will seriously consider imposing sanctions on the television networks involved."
     
It is believed that past show-pieces may have been an accomplice to the Olympics live feed, with coverage of this year's Super Bowl being indicted for "discouraging a public, internet-driven discussion" into the ongoing turmoil in Syria.

For more news on the 2012 Olympics, click here, or join the discussion on Twitter by using the hashtag #indytribuneolympics.

Syrian President's Approval Rating Plummets to Record Low 112%

DAMASCUS - As bloodshed continues to spread across Damascus and outlying regions of Syria, the country's embattled President Bashar al-Assad has seen his approval rating plummet to a record low of 112% - with thousands more protesters taking to the streets to demonstrate against his regime.

"I am not concerned bout 
arbitrary polls and frivolous 

approval ratings" - al-Assad.

Image courtesy of 
Fabio Rodrigues Pozzebom.

Creative commons. 

The figures come as a heavy blow to President al-Assad, who enjoyed the support of more than 240% of the Syrian electorate - including thousands of deceased voters - at the end of 2010, before political unrest broke out early last year.

"We do not condone the actions of our government," said protester Baltasar Mahmoud, as government security forces continued to clamp down on hundreds of protesters. "We want al-Assad to resign immediately and to stand trial for the atrocities he has unleashed on his people."

According to the figures, announced by Syrian state news Sunday, al-Assad is only popular with just over all of the people of Syria - a relative disaster for a leader who includes votes from inanimate objects, foreign nationals and farmyard animals.

Despite coming under growing pressure, however, al-Assad insists that the figures won't distract him from the job of leading the country.  

"I am not concerned bout arbitrary polls and frivolous approval ratings," he said. "If people have disagreements with my government, we just... well we just shoot them."