Latest Jobs Report Shows Only Four Americans Were Employed During October

WASHINGTON - In a bleak assessment of our economic times, the latest jobs report released by the Labor Department has found that only four people in the entire country actually had a job during the month of October.

The figure fell considerably below expectations, which posited that the number of employed people would rise by around 130,000.

According to the figures, the unemployment rate slumped to its lowest standing since records began, with estimates declaring that 99.99999994% of Americans were without a job for the 31-day duration of October.

Various reasons have been cited for the sharp downturn, while many believe that Fall illnesses, Halloween, and Hurricane Sandy caused millions of Americans to unexpectedly leave their jobs.

Back on the campaign trail following the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, President Barack Obama made clear his despair at the latest figures, insisting: "Wow, this is... this is very, very embarrassing."

"Apparently, not even I did any work last month," he said, looking at the report. "I guess campaigning isn't technically classed as employment. My fellow Americans, I unreservedly apologize. These figures are just not good enough."

The report found that the entire sum of all American productivity was comprised only of work carried out by New York MD, Dennis Hughes, Oregon librarian Mary Cartwright, Indiana farmer Bill Tuffnell and Oklahoma mechanic, David Castleton.

However, further studies have found that Mr. Castleton was laid off toward the end of the month, and has since applied for unemployment insurance.

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Obituary - Gerald Sweetser

Gerald T. Sweetser, 57, died Ocotber 24 in Brownsburg of suffocation. Sweetser, who owned a small jewelry shop in Brownsburg, had also for years entertained at birthday parties, retirement homes, and street fairs as a mime. Police suspect that as Sweetser closed up Luxe Jewelry & Gifts on Wednesday night, he was returning the merchandise to the safe in the back room when the door accidentally closed behind him. Sweetser was trapped inside the safe, which was a box that left Sweetser barely enough room to stand. "It wasn't a real big safe," reported the store's only employee, Sarah Lester of Brownsburg. "Just enough to put your hands out a little way in front of you, like this. He must have felt all around the inside of that box with his hands, looking for a way out. Tearfully, Lester continued, "I feel so guilty. I never saw him come out of the back room, but I figured he was doing the books or something, so I just left. It's so sad. If only I had heard him call for help. But the walls on that safe are really thick, so even if he'd been screaming his head off I'd never have heard a thing."

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'I've Worked Long and Hard to get Where I am Today', Lies Attractive Business Woman

INDIANAPOLIS - Stunning local business woman Elizabeth Snowden today insisted that her successful career and blossoming lifestyle were the result of hard work and dogged persistence: a lie she has maintained now for over four years.

Snowden, who is current vice president of Mulgrove-Snowden Insurance Ltd, incorrectly stated that ever since she first entered the company's doors dressed in a tight fitting

Report: 58% of Unemployed Actively Failing to Look for Work

WASHINGTON D.C. - The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics has found that almost 60% of citizens registered as unemployed are nonetheless actively failing to seek out work. A study released on the department's website indicates that approximately 15 million people spend around 24 hours a day not looking at job postings, employment options, or career guidance pamphlets. "In most cases, Americans who find themselves without a job are at least dedicating a good portion of their time to not seeking out gainful employment," said BLS analyst Sandra Corzoli. "A large number of Americans might be out of work right now, but it's absolutely for a lack of trying."

Merciless Obama Still Threatening to Put More and More Americans Back to Work

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WASHINGTON DC - President Obama has repeated his cruel and draconian threats to put more unemployed people back to work following next year's election.

During a controversial speech outside the White House Saturday, Mr Obama addressed the so-called "threat to the nation's welfare" of unemployment, with equally heartless members of congress also calling for the creation of thousands of thankless and miserable jobs for the American people to endure.

"This administration is strongly committed to putting more people back to work," said Mr Obama. "We have already introduced several measures to try and stimulate job growth and by next year we aim to put 1.5 million Americans into the careers they are fated to suffer."

The issue of unemployment has intensified over the past 18 months, with the economic crisis helping 30 million happy citizens avoid work altogether.

However, if the sinister machinations of both major parties come to fruition, millions of people will be forced to give up their jobless, sofa-bound lifestyles in the name of what Obama calls "opportunity." As a result, daytime ratings for cable TV networks such as Spike and Lifetime are expected to plummet.

"We are the party of jobs and opportunity," insisted the President. "If there's one thing that me and my adversaries can agree on, it's that we must ensure a job, however demeaning and mind-numbingly dull, for every American who is fit to work."

Obama's announcement comes amid weeks of intense protesting on Wall Street, as thousands of masochistic activists continue to actually petition the government to create more jobs.

"I guess some people just like the idea of mindlessly hauling ass for eight hours a day," speculated House Speaker John Boehner. "Well, those protesters better damn sure be careful what they wish for."

Image credit: U.S. Federal Government. Public Domain.

Unconventional Career-Woman Earning $30,000 Working from Work

INDIANAPOLIS - Despite the inherent risks that come with such a career path, Indianapolis woman Jeannette Breen is reportedly earning $30,000-a-year working from her place of work.

Entering and analyzing data for KLP Services Ltd, the 24-year-old has earned what most would consider to be a healthy salary, without having to leave the confines of her own 6ft-by-4ft cubical during an eight hour workday.

Image credit: Flickr. @yakobusan Jakob Montrasio. creative commons.

"Many people these days don't think it's possible to earn good money and still be able to work within the relative comfort of a company-owned work space," she said. "But if you work hard and learn all of the procedural directives and company policies and conduct yourself in a task-oriented way, you can certainly enjoy the benefits of working from work. I've been doing it now for about 8 years."

Skeptics of Miss Breen's professional lifestyle point to the problem of self-discipline, insisting that "while working from the offices of a recognized corporate establishment might appear to have various perks, maintaining on-the-job-motivation could prove difficult for most professionals."

"Studies indicate that seven in ten people who cite a corporate building as their full-time employment base said they find it difficult to remain on-task," said analytical researcher John Mayhew. "While forty-eight percent of those polled said they felt a sense of job dissatisfaction."

However, Miss Breen says that the perception of tardiness among work-workers is "simply false", saying that she personally sticks to a rigid nine-to-five schedule with Saturdays and Sundays off.

Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time

INDIANAPOLIS - Seemingly not content to just let office worker Aaron McMillan clock out of work at the regular time of five-thirty, a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet is doing everything in its Goddamn power Monday to make sure that McMillan stays behind at least another 3 minutes, while it just does its thing.

Taking a fucking lifetime to finish saving, the spreadsheet, which the 31-year-old Wepler Finance employee had seamlessly used throughout his schedule to input the company's quarterly profits, initially seemed to be closing down before it just now froze up.

Really, computer?, confirmed sources.

The file sure is taking its sweet time, and just at the very moment that all of McMillan's co-workers - including Rachael, that one chick McMillan really wanted to strike a post-work conversation with - are heading home for the night.

Unwittingly making matters worse, meanwhile, McMillan just opened up his computer's Force Quit application. However, reports suggest that Holy Jesus Christ, even the stupid Task Manager isn't working. Isn't ctrl>alt>delete supposed to solve everything?

Unable to take this shit any longer, McMillan might just go ahead and hold down the power button and just have done with it. At this point, what else can he possibly freaking do?

Thank God for that, concluded sources, adding that the file better fucking be there when McMillan returns tomorrow or the whole damn thing will be hurled out of the nearest window

Indiana Man Fired for Violating Company Policy, Secretary

INDIANAPOLIS - An inner city accounting firm has terminated the contract of one of its senior staff members after it was discovered that the 39-year-old had violated both the terms of his contract and the company's female secretary.

Michael Joyner - a certified public accountant of 11 years - was instantly dismissed by J.N Holbrook Ltd Monday when it was discovered that he had abused sections 1.0.2 and 2.6.3 of the company's disclosure forms as well as Nancy from the first floor.

"Our company is very serious about enforcing appropriate procedures," said Holbrook chairman Dennis Grady. "It is our belief that Mr Joyner abused firstly; his position, by going against such procedures and secondly; our secretary, by going against her... well, her breasts."

It is believed that Mr Joyner will appeal Holbrook's swift decision, though security footage taken on January 18 would seem to confirm the view that Joyner had brazenly disregarded the company's rulebook, which clearly states that "sexual harassment is a reportable offense and, if found guilty of such offenses, will result in the termination of your contract."

Mr Joyner is also believed to have stolen several paperclips.

Image credit: juggernautco. Creative commons.

Full-Time Mom 'Looking to Go Part-Time'

INDIANAPOLIS - Full-time mother of three, Stephanie Grantham, 22, has indicated to friends and relatives that she is about to go part-time in an effort to advance her dwindling social life.

Miss Grantham, who has spent 5 years managing her children's daily lives on a rolling seven day week, says she is looking to reduce her hours so that she can spend more time concentrating on shopping, hanging out with friends and consuming alcohol.

"I'm totally being shafted over with the hours I'm working," said the Indianapolis resident, knocking back a double gin and tonic. "Can you believe I've not had a day off in two years? Raising three little kids is a very demanding job, and from the very start I never imagined I'd still be going full time after five years."

"I'm just hoping I can get on the 11:00 to 1:30 schedule."

Meanwhile, Miss Grantham says that, as well as cutting down her maternal responsibilities, she is desperately hoping to get Saturdays and Sundays off, primarily so that she can get trashed and watch game shows with her best friend Angela. 

Image credit: mrgreen09. Creative commons.

Parents Still Having Hard Time Understanding What Son Does for a Living

INDIANAPOLIS - Even though it has been reiterated to them on numerous occasions, Pauline and Michael Croft still have absolutely no idea what it is their son of 22 years does for a living.

Despite being told repeatedly that son Matthew works as an IT adviser for an up-and-coming Indianapolis-based communications company, the two parents are still only able to acknowledge that he "does something with computers."

"Matthew has been extremely successful at... well... that thing he does," said 53-year-old Mr Croft. "What is it called again?"

Even though they are extremely proud of Matthew, the parents have tried and failed to explain to family members that their son is a technical adviser to several influential companies and is a professional HTML interface designer.

"We always knew Matthew would go far in life," said proud mother Pauline. "Granted, he's not the best-selling author we'd hoped he'd be, but at least he's passionate about whatever it is he does. What does he do again, Michael? Something to do with the World Wide Net?"

Their inability to comprehend Matthew's vocational interests is believed to stem back to their son's days at college, when they described his pursuit of a B.S in Environmental Science as "an interesting choice".

Image credit: fair use.

Report Finds That Friday Just Needs to Hurry Up and Get Here Already

UNITED STATES - According to an unconfirmed report, Friday - the day generally considered to be the end of the work week - just cannot get here damn-near quick enough.

Even though the day of Friday - like every other day of its kind - takes just seven days to cycle around each week, there is a strong feeling inside every business across the country that the day should just hurry the heck up already, damn it!

In spite of the fact that last Friday is actually now four days ago and its upcoming counterpart just three days away, it feels like forever ago that most Americans last had a weekend.

Why can't it be Friday?, continued the report.

The study also found that this day - the day of Tuesday - might just be the longest day ever, even though it boasts no more hours than the other six days that represent a calendar week. That said, every time Americans look at the clock it just seems like no time has gone by at all; gosh darn it!

In a convoluted twist, however, the report also went on to reveal that Holy Sweet Jesus it's already nearly Christmas.

Interstate Crash Kills 4 People's Hopes of Getting to Work on Time

FISHERS - A crash on I-69 this morning is believed to have killed as many as four people's chances of getting to work before their scheduled start time.

A 26-year-old woman's hopes of remaining punctual were killed instantly when her 2005 Chevy Oveo slammed into the back of a stationary SUV, whose driver and two passengers' morning itinerary was later pronounced dead on arrival.

According to reports, the general manager at Crown-Smith Insurance is believed to be distraught following the incident, which has deprived him and his business of "one of our best workers on a day when we really needed her. Oh well."

Additionally, the management team at AF Services - where the passengers of the SUV routinely carpooled to five days a week, have been notified of the tragedy.