That One Empty Building Suddenly a Halloween Store

INDIANAPOLIS - According to various sources Monday, that one totally empty building downtown - you know, that one right next-door to Great Clips - suddenly became a Halloween store over the weekend. Previously consisting of little more than a dusty interior and two mysterious paint cans, the building, which routinely spends the year utterly unoccupied, was today decked out in a shiny new orange-black color-scheme, with "Halloween City" spelled out across its facade. Though details are few at press time, it is believed that the shop will transition into a red and white Christmas outlet later next month before it is forgotten about for another 10 months.   

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Local Parents Think Utterly Unremarkable Thespian Daughter Did Really Great Up There

INDIANAPOLIS - Parents of local thespian Stacey Mannering, 14, told the utterly unremarkable drama enthusiast Friday that she did really great up there throughout a barely noticeable performance as Citizen #2 in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Though she was only seen vaguely in the background in just one or two scenes and added very little to the unfolding action on stage, Stacey was greeted with a rose and an approving hug from Marsha and Derek Mannering, following a 3-hour show in which she featured for a mere 7 minutes. "Honey, you did awesome out there tonight," said Mrs Mannering, alongside her beaming husband. "That was just... wow."

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Televangelist Knows That You Too Can Fully Submit Your Salary to The Lord

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO - In a sweeping address before a live congregation and thousands watching at home Wednesday, televangelist Pastor Arnold Friedrich insisted that, like him, you too can find the path to everlasting light, so long as you are prepared to fully submit your annual earnings to the Lord. Referencing Matthew 7:7, Friedrich said "ask and it will be given you: search, and you will find; hand over $37,000 and the God will love you forever." As of press time, more than 200 members of Friedrich's congregation say that they have learned to fully accept the Lord God into their bank account.

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Roe Vs. Wade Overturned In Response to Impassioned YouTube Comment

WASHINGTON - In a 5-4 vote Thursday, The United States Supreme Court repealed its landmark 1973 decision to disallow restrictions on state and federal abortion measures after reading impassioned comments left by YouTube user Nicki23. Despite decades of pressure from right-wing pro-life groups, the court was only today moved into action, citing the largely under-sourced 112-word retort, in which a 19-year-old resident of Little Rock, Arkansas insisted emphatically that "a baby can feel pain u know and in my opinion we shud not kill babies. its bad." The decision comes after the 2010 Health Care Act was also repealed last month, following an internet meme that did the rounds on Facebook.

Worst Headache in World Responding Well To Ibuprofen

INDIANAPOLIS - The worst headache in the world was reportedly responding well Wednesday to the two ibuprofen tablets that local woman Annette Morton took early morning. The 26-year-old had expressed great discomfort while she and her boyfriend Zach embarked on an all-day cleaning spree. "It's totally the worst headache ever," insisted Morton, shortly after the worst headache in the world began overwhelming her this morning. "It hurts so bad," she continued. Despite the presumably chronic pain, however, Ms Morton is expected to make a full recovery in just over an hour from now, so long as she lies down for a little while with her eyes closed.

Report: 58% of Unemployed Actively Failing to Look for Work

WASHINGTON D.C. - The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics has found that almost 60% of citizens registered as unemployed are nonetheless actively failing to seek out work. A study released on the department's website indicates that approximately 15 million people spend around 24 hours a day not looking at job postings, employment options, or career guidance pamphlets. "In most cases, Americans who find themselves without a job are at least dedicating a good portion of their time to not seeking out gainful employment," said BLS analyst Sandra Corzoli. "A large number of Americans might be out of work right now, but it's absolutely for a lack of trying."

Amish Man Gets in Wreck, Totals Horse

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GOSHEN - A resident of the predominantly Amish town of Goshen is recovering this morning after getting into a wreck Thursday night, in which his horse Milton was left completely totaled. 29-year-old Isaac Hershberger says he is fortunate to escape with his life, after a Chevrolet Aveo cannoned into the side of his horse, which suffered extensive interior/exterior damage before being written off by appraisers early this morning. Meanwhile, eyewitness reports suggest that Mr Hershberger "may have been at fault" for the accident after it was noted that "oh my God, his left turn signal is out."

Conjoined Twins Gleefully Discover Walmart's 2-for-1 Offers

INDIANAPOLIS - Heading downtown Sunday to pick up groceries for the week, conjoined twins Wendy and Marta Brown were thrilled to discover Walmart's exciting 2-items-for-the-price-of-1 offers. Leaving the multi-national retailer with a cart-full of tinned goods and six packets of Swiss cheese, the siblings smiled broadly, evidently unaware that the sell-by date on each item is the day after next.

Local Woman Spends Entire Hour of Parking Allowance Figuring Out How Parking Meter Works

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INDIANAPOLIS - Heading to a meeting in downtown Indianapolis this afternoon, local woman Bernette Gaskin spent the entire hour in which she'd intended to park her car figuring out how in the hell the stupid parking meter works. Navigating her way through the confusing credit card options on the meter's interface, the 27-year-old had hoped to remain downtown until 3 o'clock, which ultimately turned out to be the exact time that the parking meter finally accepted her payment method.

Biden Keeps Asking Obama If He Can Take Air Force One for A Spin

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WASHINGTON D.C. - Desperate to hit up a couple of buddies over in Cape Cod, Vice President Joe Biden keeps asking President Obama if he can just take Air Force One for a spin. Vowing that the president's plane would not pick up so much of a scratch, Biden insisted that "a couple of the guys are going out fishing this weekend and it would be really fucking neat to fly in unannounced." However, it is believed that Mr Obama is highly reluctant to loan out the plane after Biden totaled the presidential limousine following an ill-judged New Year's prank.

Guy Dressed as Yoda Accidentally Turns Up At Republican National Convention

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TAMPA, FL - Hoping to meet a group of fellow Star Wars fanatics and indulge in a series of role play activities, science fiction enthusiast Ryan Pennegrahe accidentally turned up at the Republican National Convention Thursday dressed as Yoda. Hearing that the convention was in town, Pennegrahe quickly pieced together a crude, green costume, accompanied by the obligatory robe, only to been turned away by officials who mistook him for "one of those crazy Ron Paul supporters."

Guy Leaves Solitary Sheet of Toilet Paper on Roll to Avoid Switching It Out

INDIANAPOLIS - Anxious to return to the exciting activity he had been doing prior to taking a quick bathroom break Sunday, Indianapolis resident Paul Antoine made sure to leave one, solitary sheet of toilet paper on the existing roll in order to avoid switching it out. Though the 27-year-old has been reminded on numerous occasions by his wife Jessica to replace the roll upon finishing it, Antoine nonetheless reasoned that it would be a waste to throw away one perfectly good piece of toilet paper.  

Rush Limbaugh Spontaneously Combusts

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CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO - Fans and relatives paid tribute to Rush Limbaugh Saturday, after the Conservative talk-show host spontaneously combusted during a live broadcast, rendering him identifiable only by his shoes. Experts on the scene said that Mr Limbaugh likely suffered considerable, if momentary, pain, and almost certainly screamed in agony before his 312lb body burned into a pile of ash.