Obituary - Rebecca Marlowe

Rebecca Marlowe, 38, died February 19 at her Indianapolis home. Marlowe, who was a sheet metal tech at Hawker Beechcraft and was not in any way famous for a modeling career, was found with a gunshot wound when police responded to a 911 call placed by her boyfriend, Joshua Phillips, 40. She was pronounced dead at the scene. Phillips, who has all of his limbs and is not in any way famous as an athlete, claimed he shot Marlowe accidentally as he brandished a gun to frighten her during an argument. Police arrested Phillips on a preliminary charge of murder. Marlowe's father, Walter Marlowe, said that Phillips and his daughter had long had a contentious, even violent, relationship. "They fought a lot, and I used to beg her to leave him," said a tearful elder Marlowe. "But I never thought in a million years that someone who isn't a famous athlete could ever do this to someone who isn't a famous model. I just never thought this kind of thing happened among regular people. It's not like you ever hear about it."

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Obituary - Brooklynne Palmer

Brooklynne Palmer, 19, died January 12 in Noblesville. Palmer, who was home for the weekend from her freshman year at Purdue University, had spent the day reconnecting with her high school best friend Mackenzie Waller. "We'd been at Hamilton Town Center Mall, like, all day," said Waller. "We were having such a good time. We were just talking and catching up and shopping, shopping, and more shopping. All of a sudden, as we came out of Aeropostale, she just . . . I don't know, she just dropped."

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Obituary - Viktor Polichenko

Viktor I. Polichenko of Indianapolis, 55, was killed February 15 while visiting family in Chelyabinsk, Russia. Polichenko had moved from the central Russian city to Indianapolis in 1983. Here he met and married his wife, Brownsburg native Natalie Walters Polichenko, who survives him along with their two sons Anatoli ("Tony"), 23, and Viktor Jr., 19. Mr. and Mrs. Polichenko had traveled to Chelyabinsk to the home of Polichenko's aunt Irina Kuznetsov because his uncle Alexei had taken gravely ill. Just after dawn on February 15, Viktor and Natalie got into a heated argument. Kuznetsov, speaking through an interpreter, reported that Natalie had accused her husband of cheating on her. "He was outraged that she would accuse him of this," said Kuznetsov. "He said, 'I am innocent. If I am lying, may God send [a] meteor to strike me down where I stand.'" Though hundreds were hurt and many buildings were damaged, Polichenko is the only fatality from the meteor that exploded over Chelyabinsk on February 15.

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Obituary - That Aunt You Never Liked

That Aunt You Never Liked, 87, died January 14 at The Hearth at Windermere Senior Living Community in Fishers. Or was it Hamilton Trace? It's hard to remember; you really haven't cared until it came up just now. With her constant stream of snide comments directed at your mother, her decades of Christmas gifts to you based around a theme that interested you briefly when you were seven, her apparent inability to quite remember your name correctly, and the fetid, nauseating casseroles she used to bring to family gatherings, That Aunt You Never Liked filled your childhood with fond memories . . . well, with vivid memories, at least. Now you will never again hear her raspy, cigarette-choked voice calling you into the kitchen--at a volume 25 decibels higher than necessary--or cackling at her own off-color jokes at your mother's expense. Never more will you scrub her salmon-pink lipstick from coffee cups or from your own cheek. Your extensive collection of that thing that interested you for a while when you were seven will grow no further. Funeral services for That Aunt You Never Liked will be at Randall & Roberts Allisonville Road Chapel on January 18. With your parents at their winter house in Florida and your sister tied up with work and the kids in Oregon, you're the only member of the immediate family who's close by. Don't you think you should go to the funeral--you know, to represent the family? Oh, I know you had your differences with That Aunt You Never Liked, but it's the right and decent thing to do.

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Obituary - Emmet Landis

Note: The concept and most of the content for today's obituary were submitted by a reader. Remember: if you have died, or if you know of a humorous death (fake deaths only, please -- I don't want to be responsible for a spate of tragic, but hilarious, homicides), you can write to The Obituarist at obituaries@theindytribune.com.

Emmet Landis, 36, a fifth grade English teacher at Crooked Creek Elementary School, was struck and killed by a hearse January 17th while walking across Kessler Boulevard with two English department colleagues. The hearse was driven by Flanner and Buchanan assistant funeral coordinator Lewis Ecton, and neither Ecton nor his passenger in the back was injured. Ecton was departing the funeral home to make the short journey to the Washington Park Cemetery when he lost control of the vehicle at the breakneck hearse speed of 15 miles per hour and struck the pedestrians. The other two teachers were nudged aside by the vehicle and were unhurt, but Landis was gradually crushed under both the front and rear tires before Ecton could regain control of the hearse at that speed. Landis is survived by his mother Jean, a dachshund named T.S. Eliot, and his class of 32 fifth grade students, who are currently studying George Orwell's Animal Farm. His colleagues in the English department say he will be remembered as a bright teacher who genuinely cared for his students, though they have not yet decided whether Landis' death is an example of situational irony, cosmic irony, or just an unfortunate coincidence.

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Obituary - Michael Bay

Noted film director and producer Michael Bay, 47, died January 12 in his Los Angeles home. Bay, whose films include Bad Boys I & II, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, the Transformers franchise, and other beloved modern classics of American cinema, reportedly died quietly in his sleep. Every identifiable shred of Bay's body was not obliterated by thunderous explosions that did not send colossal fireballs blossoming high into the impossibly orange-tinted Los Angeles sky. Polished luxury SUVs did not perform slow-motion somersaults over one another into onrushing traffic on the Vincent Thomas Bridge, and Bay was not thereby crushed under tons of twisted steel and shattered glass. His death was marked by a complete lack of gargantuan alien invaders incinerating him with their incomprehensibly advanced weaponry that did not in fact reduce the famed Bradbury Building and its surrounding downtown environs to a hellish flaming ruin. No cataclysmic natural disaster brought the Griffith Observatory collapsing onto Bay's head, and he was not smashed to a pulp under tons of shattered concrete, steel, and marble. No, Bay--by all accounts a relatively young and relatively fit man--nevertheless died peacefully and without so much as disturbing his impeccably-pressed Italian linen sheets. Funeral arrangements are pending, but sources close to the project have leaked that it will be held at the El Mirage dry lake bed, that I Am Number Four auteur D. J. Caruso is attached to direct, and that five different pyrotechnic teams have been brought in. Bay's Platinum Dunes production company reportedly plans to release Funeral Deadly Funeral in the summer of 2014.

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Obituary - Roger Bolens

Roger Bolens of Indianapolis, 46, died January 11 at Methodist Hospital. Bolens, who was eleven days into his ninth consecutive new year's resolution to get healthy, died of massive organ failure a day after collapsing during a workout. Working with his friend Dave Collins, who holds no professional credentials but by his own estimation "is pretty ripped and totally knows personal training," Bolens was determined to trim his 5'9", 284 pound frame. "It was day 10 of my program," reported Collins. "Most trainers say to start out light and easy and work your way up. I think that's dumb. I mean, you need the most help when you're all big and fat, so I say start at the maximum and ease up as you get to where you want to be." Collins' program had Bolens on 800 calories of food and 256 ounces of water per day, and in the homemade gym in Collins' garage for up to six hours per day. "He was in a lot of pain," admitted Collins, "but I told him that was just weakness leaving his body. So each day we'd spend some time re-working the muscles that hurt the worst from the day before. No pain, no gain, y'know? I'll give him points for determination, that's for sure--especially since he couldn't really lift his arms or walk after the first couple of days." Bolens is survived by his wife Cathy, to whom Collins has offered a discounted rate should she wish to take over her late husband's sessions.

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Obituary - Audrey Campos

Audrey Campos, 45, died January 6 in her Indianapolis home. Ms. Campos, known among her friends for her disdain of forwarded emails and viral Facebook posts, died when she suddenly became ill from a variety of deadly and fast-acting pathogens that had been drawn into the previously-cut onion that she sliced onto her lunch sandwich. The Marion County Coroner's office reports that her system was already severely weakened by poisoning from the chlorine in the baby-cut carrots she ate with her lunch, the formaldehyde in the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser she used to clean up her dishes, the lead in the lipstick she applied afterward, and the mercury from the single CFL lightbulb she dropped and cleaned up. Tragically, Ms. Campos had only narrowly escaped death earlier that day when a group of gang initiates threw eggs at her car windshield so they could rob and murder her. The miscreants' aim was poor, though, and the eggs only blocked her vision 78.3% rather than the potential 92.5%. She was therefore still able to see well enough to drive home. "It's a real tragedy," reported Ms. Campos' high school classmate and Facebook friend Carrie Walters. "If only she'd taken all my posts at face value like I do, instead of applying all that 'reasoning' and 'discernment' nonsense, she might still be alive."

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Obituary - Everyone Outside the Room You're In

Everyone Outside the Room You're In, various ages, just dropped dead just now. Don't look - it's too horrific. Whether because of some government super-virus experiment gone horribly wrong, or some alien death ray, or something completely other, Everyone Outside the Room You're In is now dead. They all just collapsed right where they stood, just a second ago. So I hope you're in a room with people you like, because you and anyone else who happens to be in the same room with you right now are all that remains of the human race. There's no telling why or how you, and any companions you might happen to have right now, survived the total extinction of every other human on Earth. What remains now is to consider how you--and they, if there are any--are going to move forward in a world populated solely by you. Really. Take our word for it; they're all gone. No, no, still don't look just yet. You'll need more time to come to grips with the magnitude and gravity of the situation before you'll be ready to look outside your current room and to experience the horror of seeing all the corpses that died right in the middle of doing whatever it is people do outside the room you're in. Services for Everyone Outside the Room You're In will be . . . well, pretty much whenever you decide they might be. It's up to you now. It's all up to you now.

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Obituary - Hezekiah Bishop

Hezekiah Jacob Bishop, 21, died November 22, 1812 along Wildcat Creek, near Lafayette. Bishop, a member of the Indiana Rangers, was taking part in the Second Tippecanoe Campaign when his party was ambushed in a narrow canyon. Survivor testimony indicated that Bishop's rifle had misfired at a crucial moment, and an onrushing Shawnee warrior was able to stab Bishop in the heart. Letters from Bishop to his family in the Kokomo area over the preceding months indicate that he had been meaning to have his rifle repaired for some time, but he had never gotten around to it. The Indy Tribune obituarist expresses regret over the lateness of this obituary, but the family only submitted the notification this past week. Jack Bishop, Hezekiah's great-great-great-nephew, admitted "We've been meaning to tell the papers about Uncle Hezekiah for a good while now. Yeah, we Bishops, we, uhh... we're procrastinators." Services are pending.

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Obituary - Mr. Gobblepants

Mr. Gobblepants, the turkey poult that Mike Baxter of Indianapolis thought would be a great Thanksgiving gift for his kids, died January 5 in the old-bath-rug-padded cardboard box Baxter had set up in his backyard. At fifteen weeks old, Mr. Gobblepants was nearing maturity and would have been just about ready to move from a grower feed to a finisher feed--if Baxter had the slightest idea how to properly feed a turkey. "I have discovered, though," reported Baxter, "that microwaved frozen corn niblets are apparently not a good option." Baxter continued, "He was so cute when I got him, and I remember thinking 'How hard could it be?" Well I guess it's harder than I thought, and he wasn't nearly as cute with his feathers falling out and all thin and lethargic like that." There was a brief service for Mr. Gobblepants on January 6, after which the Baxters buried him next to the garage near Floppy McEars, the rabbit Baxter bought his kids for Easter of 2012. At press time Ribbons, the Christmas hedgehog, was still clinging to life in his cage in the children's bedroom.

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Obituary - Lauren Stoddard

Lauren G. Stoddard, 32, died January 6 in Indianapolis in an automobile accident. Ms. Stoddard was traveling east on I-465 on the north side of the city at 9:14 on Friday morning when her car drifted out of her lane, struck the side of a semi trailer, and careened across two lanes of traffic before flying off the road and down the embankment near the Keystone Avenue interchange. Investigators estimate her speed at the time of the accident at 93 mph, presumably because she was late for her scheduled 9:00 arrival at work. Police found an open makeup kit, the remains of an egg sandwich from Starbucks, Ms. Stoddard's smart phone with a partially completed text message, and an open book on the subject of time management in the car's cabin.

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Obituary - Marlin Yoder

Marlin T. Yoder, 56, died November 13 in the parking lot of his employer, Atlas Logistics, Inc. Yoder, a 23-year veteran of the company, committed suicide by setting himself ablaze as horrified co-workers watched through the windows. Several employees rushed out to douse the flames with blankets and fire extinguishers as others called 911, but Yoder was pronounced dead at the scene. According to the suicide note he left in his cubicle, Yoder was inspired by the Buddhist monks in Tibet who have self-immolated to protest Chinese rule. Company office manager Judy Trinkle, who found the note, said it indicated that Yoder's protest was over the company's recent change of coffee creamer brands in the break room. "I can't help but feel partly responsible in a weird way," said Trinkle. "I mean, I bought the other creamer because it was a little cheaper. But for Marlin to do that over a switch in coffee creamers just seems really . . . well, honestly it seems really dumb, God rest his soul. He never even asked me to switch back or said anything to me about not liking the new one or anything."

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Obituary - That Girl You Had That Crush On In High School

That Girl You Had That Crush On In High School, approximately your age, died November 12 at her home in The City She Moved To Which Is Why You Haven't Seen Her In So Long. Known for being far too stunningly, mind-numbingly beautiful to allow you to concentrate on Mr. Jenkins' third period world history class and for whispering snide comments about Mr. Jenkins' ties in the most honey-toned voice you have ever heard in your life, That Girl You Had That Crush On In High School had suffered for the past several years from a heart condition related to the morbid obesity that had replaced the lithe, graceful form that was seared into your memory five mornings a week and to the smoking habit that had caused her once-dulcet voice to sound like a cross between Carol Channing, Harvey Fierstein, and a rusty chainsaw. She is survived by her husband, That Schlub From The Rival High School You Can't Believe She Married, and however many children they had. You were quoted for this report as saying, "Man, I'm old."

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Obituary - Steven Sinofsky

Steven Sinofsky, 47, died November 12 in Seattle, WA. Sinofsky had just announced his sudden resignation as Windows president for Microsoft Corporation, mere weeks after the release of the company's Windows 8 operating system and amid less than spectacular sales of the new Surface tablet. Following the announcement, Sinofsky had left the company headquarters in Redmond, WA to spend a few days in seclusion at Seattle's Roosevelt Hotel. Upon arrival, Sinofsky tripped on the uneven surface created by the upturned corner of a decorative rug in the eighth floor elevator lobby, sending him crashing through a window to his death. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer spoke to the press after the news of Sinofsky's death broke. "I am personally, as are all of us at Microsoft, grateful to Steven for his 23 years of hard work at Microsoft, and we are deeply saddened by the news of his death," said Ballmer. Stifling a sardonic chuckle, Ballmer continued. "But man, I've got to tell you. Stumbling on an uneven surface and falling out a window on 8. That just . . . well that just says it all, you know?"

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Obituary - Henry Jacobs

Henry D. Jacobs, 78, died November 10 at Community North Hospital after a protracted battle with lung cancer and emphysema. Jacobs, who spent his entire career as a plumber before retiring in 2004, is survived by his wife Martha Jacobs, two children--Lauren Jacobs-Lewis of Hattiesburg, VA and Raymond Jacobs of Memphis, TN--and seven grandchildren. Services are pending. A spokesperson from Citizens Energy, Andrew Bishop, issued a statement saying that speculation that Mr. Jacobs' death had anything to do with their utility would be premature. "We know a lot of people are looking our way after that unpleasant business on the south side," said Bishop. "But we at Citizens Energy want to remind all the people of the Greater Indianapolis area that people do die in this city for reasons that have nothing to do with us."

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Obituary - Susan Jeffras

Susan D. Jeffras, 48, died November 7 at Community East Hospital. Jeffras had arrived home from work on Wednesday evening to find that her son Brandon, 16, had cleaned his room, taken out the garbage, prepared dinner, and completed two loads of laundry--including putting the folded laundry away--all without being asked. "I showed her all of that, and she just gasped and clutched at her chest and fell over." Brandon immediately called 911, but Jeffras was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. "Her heart just couldn't take the strain," reported emergency room physician Dr. Mary Stutz. Brandon, who will be moving into the home of his father and Jeffras' ex-husband Gary Jeffras, was in shock. "I never even got to ask her about getting me a car. That's the whole reason I did all that. Oh well, I'll have plenty of chances to try again at Dad's house. That place is a real shithole."

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Obituary - The 2012 Political Advertisement Season

The 2012 Political Advertisement Season, 2, died November 6 across the US. Season, who reached the end of its pre-determined life span on Tuesday, had become more bloated, more ubiquitous, and more choked with noxious bile--and with cash--than any of its ancestors. No memorial is scheduled, because there seems to be no one who isn't relieved, even overjoyed, at Season's demise. However, Season has two offspring currently gestating: The 2014 Mid-Term Election Advertisement Season and The 2016 Political Advertisement Season. Either or both of these offspring could exceed their parent in size, cost, ferocity, and intrusiveness, and each will be born far sooner than you think they should be.

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Obituary - Runs with Acorns

Runs with Acorns, 8, an Eastern Fox Squirrel, died November 5 in Indianapolis. Runs with Acorns, renowned among the squirrel population in his Fountain Square neighborhood for his bravery and thrill-seeking, was struck by a car as he ran across Laurel Street. Neighboring squirrel Flinches at Birds commented "Don't eat me! Don't eat me!" Coaxed from the tree into which he had fled, Flinches at Birds continued, "Oh yes, Runs with Acorns. That guy was crazy. He was always taking stupid risks. One day a big hawk flew overhead, and he didn't even run. What was that? Was that a hawk?" Reassured that the shadow that had passed across him was that of a common starling, Flinches at Birds again returned from the tree. "He had actually just bet me seven acorns that he could run back and forth across the street three times before that car reached him. Seven acorns, can you believe it? Who does that? I won, because he got hit on his second time across. So I went to his nest and got the seven acorns. They were nice ones, too. Say, by the way, have you seen any nice acorns around here? Hm? There are good trees in my territory--very good trees with many nuts--but if you know of any others I'd sure like to find them." Pausing for a furtive glance in all directions, Flinches at Birds continued, "Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yes, nuts. Do you know where there are some?"

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Obituary - Jerry Coburn and Frank Schweitzer

Jerry Coburn, 53, and Frank Schweitzer, 57, died November 3 on the sidewalk in front of their neighboring Meridian-Kessler homes. Neighbors reported that the two men got into a dispute as Coburn attempted to place a yard sign supporting Republican gubernatorial candidate Mike Pence and Schweitzer attempted to place a yard sign supporting Democratic gubernatorial candidate John Gregg. The argument escalated into a scuffle that had the two men fencing with their respective yard signs. Police concluded that the men must have simultaneously executed powerful thrusts with the pointed metal legs of their signs, killing both men and causing them both to fall over backward. When officers arrived on the scene the John Gregg sign was firmly planted in Coburn's front lawn through Coburn's torso, and the Mike Pence sign was firmly planted in Schweitzer's front lawn through Schweitzer's face and chest.

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Obituary - Something Inside You

Something Inside You, age unknown, died October 30 in its home somewhere in the forgotten recesses of your psyche. Faced with the unending drudgery of your existence, Something Inside You took its own life. Was it your youthful exuberance? Your sense of wonder at life's simple pleasures? Your career ambitions? You aren't quite sure. You do notice, however, that since the death of Something Inside You you are finding yourself able to face the grinding toil, dysfunctional relationships, and purposeless plodding from day to day that characterize your marking time until death without those troublesome pangs of yearning for something more.

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Obituary - Matthew Fox

Matthew D. Fox, 45, died October 30 in Indianapolis, making him the only fatality related to Hurricane Sandy to take place in Indiana. Fox, an amateur weather enthusiast, stayed home to ride out the moderate wind and light rain the massive storm pushed through our area, even as many Hoosiers left their homes behind to go to work and otherwise attend to their daily routines. "He'd always wanted to go through a big storm like that," reported Fox's widow Margaret, 43. "But he hated to travel. So when he heard about how big this storm was, he thought maybe this was his chance. He boarded up our windows and stockpiled supplies. He sent the kids and me to my mother's in Colorado. He was so excited. When he saw how little we were getting, though, he called me to tell me that he was going to go down to the White River to watch the storm surge come in." Police suspect that Fox may have become dismayed at the lack of any appreciable flooding, gotten too close to the bank, and fallen into the river. The slow-moving, non-swollen river carried Fox's body only a short distance before washing it ashore, where police struggled against the mild annoyance of stiff breezes and chilly drizzle to recover it.

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Obituary - Daniel Walters

Daniel P. Walters, 10, died October 29 at Riley Hospital. As a ceremonial opening of Colts quarterback Andrew Luck's new partnership with the hospital, Walters' doctors encouraged Luck to perform the youth's kidney transplant surgery. When Luck cut Walters' ureter with a large novelty scalpel before the assembled press and dignitaries, the boy went into cardiac arrest from which Luck was unable to revive him. A shaken Luck said later, "I thought I was just going to be talking about getting kids to exercise and eat right. I'm not a surgeon! I kept trying to tell them I didn't want to do this, but they just said no, do it, it'll be cool." James Walters, Daniel's father, reflected, "I'm just glad Andrew is better on the field than he is in the operating room. He's a rookie, you've got to expect some mistakes." Pausing, the elder Walters added, "But I bet Peyton [Manning] could have got my boy his new kidney."

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Obituary - Joseph Schuster

Joseph Schuster, 58, died October 27 when the "Pumpkin Man" mask he wore to the Halloween party he was hosting proved to be a bit too convincing for a group of neighborhood children led by Scotty Miller, 11. The frightened children attacked Schuster with anything they could find, until Miller concluded that the only way to defeat the "Pumpkin Man" was to sever its head with the chain saw that Schuster had left atop the wood pile he had prepared for his party's bonfire. Services will be held Wednesday evening on the Millers’ front porch, with Schuster providing a candlelight vigil to himself.

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Obituary - Mary Alice Watkins

Today's obituary was written by 13 year old Brandon Norris of Ms. Rice's Journalism Club at Carmel Middle School, as part of our esteemed obituarist's educational program, "Yu Tu Can Obitu."

Mary Alice Watkins who was like 98 died on October 25 at Hamilton Trace Retirement Home in Fishers where she stopped being alive. I was going to ask what she died of but this reporter told myself that it was pretty obvious that she died of being super old. So I'm sure that's what happened. She had three kids but it's weird to call them kids because they're kind of super old too. And grandkids. A bunch, this reporter thinks. Anyways her funurul will be in a couple days at that one place on Rangeline that I guess is called Leopard or something like that.

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Obituary - Gerald Sweetser

Gerald T. Sweetser, 57, died Ocotber 24 in Brownsburg of suffocation. Sweetser, who owned a small jewelry shop in Brownsburg, had also for years entertained at birthday parties, retirement homes, and street fairs as a mime. Police suspect that as Sweetser closed up Luxe Jewelry & Gifts on Wednesday night, he was returning the merchandise to the safe in the back room when the door accidentally closed behind him. Sweetser was trapped inside the safe, which was a box that left Sweetser barely enough room to stand. "It wasn't a real big safe," reported the store's only employee, Sarah Lester of Brownsburg. "Just enough to put your hands out a little way in front of you, like this. He must have felt all around the inside of that box with his hands, looking for a way out. Tearfully, Lester continued, "I feel so guilty. I never saw him come out of the back room, but I figured he was doing the books or something, so I just left. It's so sad. If only I had heard him call for help. But the walls on that safe are really thick, so even if he'd been screaming his head off I'd never have heard a thing."

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Obituary - Wally Fortuna

Wallace G. "Wally" Fortuna, 52, was declared legally dead October 22. Fortuna has been missing since last Halloween, when he was seen leaving a large and raucous costume party--to which he had worn a court jester costume--to visit the home of his friend Montgomery Earl "Monty" Resor to sample a rare and expensive wine that Resor had recently acquired. Resor affirms that he and Fortuna sampled the wine but maintains that he has not seen or heard from Fortuna since. In statements made at the time of Fortuna's disappearance, Resor added that Fortuna failed to fully appreciate the sampled wine and that this was just one of a "thousand injuries" that Fortuna had inflicted upon him in their tumultuous friendship. Based on these suspicious statements, police conducted a wall-to-wall search of Resor's home but found no evidence there connecting Resor with any foul play toward Fortuna. The investigation hit a stone wall after that and has been relegated to a cold case file in a dark and dank file room. Tuesday's legal declaration brings final closure to the case and to Fortuna's family.

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Obituary - Bryce Turnagin

Bryce R. Turnagin, 46, died October 21 in the main conference room of his office at Rennaker Industries. According to co-workers who were present, Turnagin was in the middle of giving a presentation at the Monday status meeting. He was drilling down into the low-hanging fruit of how to stop boiling the ocean and instead move the needle on synergizing ways to break down silos and monetize learnings on being an impactful rock star ninja. He was taking thinking outside the box to the next level and had his ducks in a row around managing expectations for impacting the price point of full service solutions before pitching them over the wall. Suddenly his heart, which had been giving 110%, did a hard stop. Turnagin will be out of pocket on an ongoing basis.

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Obituary - Randall Sherman

Randall Wayne Sherman, 22, died October 19 in Delphi, IN. Sherman was on the first day of a new job at Gray Turkey Farms. Farm manager Gerald Anderson, 56, spoke to reporters about the incident. "We hate it when a new guy starts on a rainy day," Anderson said. "They always ask if it's true that turkeys will drown in the rain because they're supposedly so stupid they look up with their mouths hanging open, all dumbfounded." Pausing to spread a shovel full of bedding, Anderson continued, "Everybody always asks that, but this kid wanted to go out with the turkeys to see for himself. It was coming down pretty good, and he was yelling back at me that he didn't see any of the turkeys with their heads up. Then he put his own head up--I guess to show me what he expected them to do." The Carroll County Coroner's office determined that in raising his head and yelling during the brief downpour, Sherman aspirated some rainwater and drowned. Gray Turkey Farms reported that all its turkeys were safe and accounted for.

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Obituary - William Carter

Well-informed and helpful neighbor William J. Carter, 38, died October 21 in the Greenwood Buffalo Wild Wings. Carter, who was at the restaurant to watch the Colts - Browns game, was beaten to death by an angry mob of his fellow patrons. Carter's co-worker Phil Robinson, who was with Carter, reported, "William--yeah, not 'Bill' or 'Will;' he insisted on 'William'--was like that Cliff guy on Cheers: always had some obscure fact or inane comment. I invited him to come watch the game because he didn't have many friends--imagine that--and I felt sorry for the guy. I told him to keep it down with the comments, but I guess he just couldn't help himself." According to multiple witnesses, Carter's last words were, "You know, in the rest of the world, 'football' is . . . "

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Obituary - Billy Trainor

William J. "Billy" Trainor, 16, died October 17 in his Westfield home. Trainor had reportedly been at his friend Jaden Bishop's house until, Bishop said, Trainor's parents called him to say they knew he was not at the library and that he should come home immediately. In addition to the lie, Trainor arrived home after his curfew, had cracked his glasses and lost his iPad earlier that day at school, and dented his father's car hitting a post on entering the Bishops' driveway. According to Bishop, the last thing Trainor said before he left for home was, "Oh man, my parents are so going to kill me."

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Obituary - The Bitchin' Guitar Solo

The Bitchin' Guitar Solo, 66, passed from popular music October 15. Solo, born in Arthur "Big Boy" Crudup's That's All Right Mama, enjoyed great popularity throughout the 1960s and 1970s when he had musical icons such as Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page, Carlos Santana, and Terry Kath vying for his attentions. In recent years, however, the influences of syntho-pop, boy bands who sing and dance but play no instruments, and Radio Disney had caused Solo's health to decline dramatically. With the release on Monday of Kelly Clarkson's Catch My Breath, Solo's frail condition could not endure yet another song that consisted entirely of a vocalist over a synthesized background. The Bitchin' Guitar Solo is survived by his brother The Kick-Ass Rock Guitar Solo--but even the brother is now mostly relegated to specialty-format radio and satellite stations and an ever-aging fan base.

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Obituary - Paul Tinder

Paul Tinder, 37, died October 15 in his Nora home of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. "He always thought of himself as this big victim of life," said Tinder's sister Jessica Blanchard. "For example, he blamed his depression on Mom and Dad for not raising him to have more self-esteem." Blanchard, a successful physician and social justice activist, continued, "He thought his trust issues were because the doctor who delivered him didn't have his consent to suction the birth gunk out of his nose. Can you believe it? Every one of his dozens of failed relationships was always the woman's fault, to hear Paul tell it. When he lost his job two years ago, he blamed his boss, President Obama, [Federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke, China, everyone and everything except his own constant screw-ups. It breaks my heart that this happened, but I think we all figured it would happen sooner or later." In Tinder's apartment, police found paperwork indicating that he had already filed lawsuits against the gun manufacturer, his landlord, his parents, and several of his former co-workers for their "gross negligence" in connection with his suicide.

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Obituary - Elizabeth Crader

Elizabeth Ann "Liz" Crader, 83, died October 14 in Indianapolis.  Crader, the mother of six grown children, enjoyed offering support and advice to the young mothers in her neighborhood, at her church, or really anywhere she happened to encounter them. "Oh, Liz just loved to help all the young mothers," reported Crader's longtime best friend Alice Schnaebel. "The mommies these days just have no idea how to raise children. Well Liz was there for them, to set them straight." Pausing to offer a hard candy, Schnaebel continued, "Whether it was letting them know that breast feeding their child in public was filthy and disgusting and that formula was made by scientists so it was better for the baby anyway, or making sure parents know that they should not let their little girls even pick up a toy truck or their little boys even pick up a doll, or showing them that nothing stops a crying fit better than a sharp slap across the face, Liz was their guiding light. What'll they do without Liz?" Crader's body was found in a ladies restroom at the Indianapolis Children's Museum. She had been beaten to death with the diaper changing table. Witness accounts sent police searching for an exasperated-looking woman pushing a stroller, but officers found hundreds of suspects matching that description at the museum. The investigation is ongoing.

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Obituary - Tom Collins

Tom Collins, 136, was killed several times over on October 13 by being repeatedly ingested at a birthday party for Robert McIlhenny at Forty Five Degrees on Massachusetts Avenue. "Yeah, the birthday boy and his friends were really putting away the Tom Collins," said bartender John Benson. "It's not a real common order anymore, but these guys were dropping 'em like flies." Also victim to the killing spree were Rob Roy, Harvey Wallbanger, and, for some reason, Shirley Temple.

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Obituary - Randall Beckwith

Would-be adventurer Randall P. Beckwith, 38, died October 11 in Indianapolis. Beckwith, who had no experience as a climber or outdoorsman, was on an expedition to scale Crown Hill, the highest point in Marion County. Delayed by the moderate weather - and by a passing tour group from Mrs. Jackson's third grade class at IPS 42 - Beckwith apparently ran short of supplies and died of exposure, dehydration, and starvation. "It's weird," said John Bertram, one of the EMT personnel who recovered Beckwith's body from the slopes of Crown Hill. "The temperature got up to 60 degrees today, and he'd only left home this morning." Member of Mrs. Jackson's class Natasha Williams said, "We saw this guy crawling up the hill when we walked up and back to look at some poet guy's grave. Mrs. Jackson told us not to look, because he was probably crazy." Beckwith's widow, Sandra Beckwith, said she was just happy that Randall had died "Following his dream." Williams added, "It was kind of a long walk up that hill. No big deal, though."

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Obituary - The Spider in the Living Room

The Spider in the Living Room, 8 months, died October 10 inside a tissue wielded by Michael Bindle of Southport. He is survived by a mate and eighty-two offspring, who are currently living in a dark corner under the kitchen cabinets. Described by his family as "a successful fertilizer" and "who?" The Spider in the Living Room was an avid hunter and enjoyed hiding in shoes. "He was a big one," said Bindle. "I hate it when you feel them squish like that in the tissue." Mrs. Bindle added, "Ewwww! Get it! Get it! Get it!"

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Obituary - David Zander's Crush on Molly Lambert

David Zander's Crush on Molly Lambert, 8, died October 9 in Zander's heart. Zander, 14, is a freshman at North Central High School. "Me and Molly [sic] have been at school together since we were in first grade," said Zander. "I remember when I saw her I thought she was so pretty. I had no idea what was even happening to me." Leafing though an old shoe box containing poems he had composed in her honor and unsent notes in which he had proclaimed his love, Zander added, "Every year she just kept getting prettier and prettier, and it just kept getting harder and harder to say anything to her." After years of pining away in vain for the object of his affections, whom he deemed unattainable, Zander noticed Tuesday that things were different. "She's still super hot," Zander said, "But my friends are right - it's time I moved on. I mean, I'm in high school now. It's stupid to keep up this childish crush when there must be a girl here I could actually be going out with, who wouldn't be so far out of my league." Reached for comment, Lambert said, "David? David Zander? What about him? Oh my god, does he want to ask me out? I've only been waiting for him to do that forever! Oh my god!" and then ran away blushing and giggling, flanked by four of her shrieking and giggling friends.

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Obituary - Joel Osteen

Televangelist, author, and pastor Joel Osteen, 49, died October 8 in his Houston home. His widow, Victoria Osteen, issued a statement in which she said that God had "called Joel home." When reached for comment, God had a different perspective. "That wasn't exactly it," said God. "I just finally got sick of listening to that guy prattling on about how I supposedly want everybody to have a big house and a nice car, if they just believe in Me hard enough--and send him money, of course." The Lord added, "I mean, did that guy even read anything I had people write down? Yet day in and day out, he'd be there behind that oily smile, telling thousands of people who attended his megachurch or watched his TV show or read his books that I'm not much more than a big Rich Uncle in the sky. Oh my Self, that was annoying! It was like a snake oil salesman and a pyramid scheme huckster had a love child, and tried to make it okay by wrapping it all up in a big Me-shaped diaper. Well, I finally just got sick of it and smote the guy. Felt good--I haven't done a proper smiting in a long time." When asked whether the departed soul of Mr. Osteen were available for comment, God replied, "Oh well, um, this is a little awkward. Let's just say you'd have to reach him at a different address."

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Obituary - Christopher Dale

Christopher J. Dale, 38, died October 7 in his Lawrence home of an apparent suicide. Dale is survived by a sister, Katie Dale Johnson of New Palestine, and by his mother, Nancy Dale of Westfield, who described him as, "A very nice boy" and "Never any trouble. Not ever--even when he was just a little thing. Never ran around as a teenager, never even got so much as a parking ticket when he was grown." Dale's sister added that he had been depressed lately, but their mother dismissed the notion. "He was just a little upset that he hadn't yet found a nice wife to settle down with. But it would have taken a special lady to be right for Chris, and ladies like that are hard to come by. But Chris would never have drowned his sorrows in booze or drugs--not after all the time I spent when he was younger telling him how bad those things are. Not a day of his life went by that I didn't tell him what trouble drugs and liquor are. What happened was surely an accident. Maybe he had a fever and was really dehydrated and looking to get well. It's just a tragedy. If I'd been there, or if he had found a good woman to take care of him, this would never have happened." Dale's body was found in his bed surrounded by the empty bottles from a case of Dasani water and six empty bottles of Flintstones vitamins.

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Obituary - Steven Jablonski

Steven P. "Steve-O" Jablonski, 35, died October 7 during the Colts game against the Green Bay Packers when his repeated shouts at the array of televisions at the Blue Crew Sports Grill of "C'mon, Ref, you're killin' me!" proved to be prophetic. 

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Obituary - Hans Schlichter

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Hans Schlichter, 34, died October 3 at Circle Centre Mall. Schlichter, a German citizen, worked for Zeradyne Software, a German video game manufacturer. He was giving a demonstration of the firm's newest arcade game, Zombie Survival, at the time of his death. Schlichter was showing his audience of mostly teenage boys the blue plastic, orange-tipped, gun-shaped controller for the game when he was shot dead by mall security guard Evan Wilson. Wilson, who is not authorized to carry a firearm in the course of his duties, told reporters, "That guy had a gun, and looked like he was holding a bunch of kids hostage. So I acted! I'm a damn hero!" Schlichter, who had no criminal record in his home country, is survived by a wife and two young daughters. Wilson was adamant that he had saved the day. "The guy was German, he had a beard, his name was even Hans! Come on, Die Hard was just on last night! What was I supposed to do? He was clearly a terrorist!" As IMPD officers led Wilson away, he said, "Oh, you guys taking me downtown to give me a medal? Maybe make me a special deputy? Cool. Because I sure did you guys' job for you! Yeah, Evan Wilson is the man!" With a turn toward the gurney bearing Schlichter's body away from the stunned and weeping children who attended the demonstration, Wilson added, "Yippee-kay-yay, mother fucker!"

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Obituary - Larry Collins

Lawrence M. "Larry" Collins, 62, died October 3 in his niece Sarah Walter's car, which was stopped along 126th Street in Carmel at the time. Walter, who has been arrested and charged with Collins' murder, was driving her uncle home from an appointment with his podiatrist. In a statement issued through her attorney, Walter said, "I know it's the time of year when it's hard to adjust the air in the car. You turn on the vent and it gets chilly or steams up the windows, but you put on the heat to clear the windows and it gets too warm." Her statement continued, "But Uncle Larry just kept fiddling and fiddling and fiddling, even after I told him over and over to leave it alone or just turn it off. But no, he kept right on fiddling and fiddling. Well, I don't quite remember what happened after that." Police were initially reluctant to call the incident a murder, based on their disbelief that a fully-grown, overweight man could fit entirely between the slats of the dashboard vent on a PT Cruiser. Medical examiners later verified, though, that Collins' whole body had indeed been stuffed in there. "I can't imagine the force that must have taken," said John Kramer, one of the investigators charged with recovering the body. "It's like one of those tornado putting a straw through a telephone pole kind of things. Somebody would have really had to snap to do that."

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Obituary - Leonard Rawlings' Social Life

Leonard Rawlings' Social Life, 36, died October 2 in Rawlings' home following a protracted illness. "I knew it was bad," reported a dejected Rawlings, "but when people started 'liking' my posts explaining that I couldn't make it to their events, that's when I knew it was really the end." Rawlings reports his social life expired quietly later that night, with only Rawlings by its side. Rawlings plans a very, very, very private memorial service at home over the weekend.

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Obituary - Eric Parker

Eric Parker, 32, died October 1 in his home. The 5'9", 230 lb, bespectacled and pock-marked Parker, who was employed as a network security technician at Apperton Technology Systems, suffered a fatal heart attack following a marathon sexual escapade with at least a dozen women at once over a sixteen-hour period. Parker's friends remember his winning ways with the ladies. "Oh man, I loved the guy, but I hated going out to the clubs with him," reported Bryce Harding, who had been Parker's close friend since their college days and who is now employed as a physician and model. Their other friends--lawyer and model Chet Markum and entrepreneur and model Jake Horner--agreed. "Once the ladies found out Eric was in IT, it was like the rest of us were just invisible," reported Markum. Horner added, "I'm sad that he's dead, but I honestly think this is how he'd have wanted to go. And maybe now we can get the ladies to look twice at one of us."

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Obituary - Christina Merrill

Christina M. Merrill, 42, died September 29 in the laundry room of her Westfield home. Merrill suffocated when an eight-foot-high pile of laundry collapsed on top of her. Her husband, Clark Merrill, and their three children Lindsey, 14, Tyler, 12, and Charlee, 8, did not discover her for hours. "We hadn't seen her all day, but she always seemed to like spending her Saturdays doing house stuff so we didn't think much of it," reported Lindsay. "But when the movie the rest of us were watching ended and it got to be dinner time, we wondered why we didn't smell anything cooking. Dad yelled for her a few times and finally went to go find her. I remember he was mad about having to get up, but then he felt pretty bad about that after he finally found her." Tyler added, "Oh man, my soccer clothes and my, um, 'special' socks were in that pile. What a horrible way to go." "It's weird," said Clark sadly. "Just yesterday she made such a big deal about being caught up on all the laundry."

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Obituary - Paul Stemmlich

Paul M. Stemmlich, 57, died September 28 in his west side home. Stemmlich, a self-described miser and do-it-yourselfer, was attempting to replace a circuit breaker panel in his basement when he was electrocuted. "He wouldn't call an electrician, or even shut off the main circuit," reported Susan, Stemmlich's widow. "He was sure he could fix it himself, and he didn't want the freezer to thaw while he had the power off." Emergency medical personnel were delayed in aiding Stemmlich because ever since he replaced the front door you have to jiggle the knob a certain way and Susan still has trouble doing that right. 

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Obituary - Ed Begley, Jr.

Noted actor and environmentalist Edward James “Ed” Begley, 63, died September 27 in his California home.  The “green-living” activist was crushed when a 10,000 gallon underground water tank he was having delivered slipped off the natural fiber rope that attached it to the solar-powered crane that was hoisting it into position. In accordance with his wishes, Mr. Begley’s body will be rendered out to make soap for use by his widow Rachelle Carson-Begley and their daughter Hayden, the rest of his soft tissue will be used for compost in the family’s organic vegetable garden, and his bones will be used to make tools and implements for use around the home.

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Obituary - Michael Pescadario

Michael S. Pescadario, 73, known to generations of local children as “Chortles the Clown,” died September 26 of a stroke while performing at the birthday party for six-year-old Bryson Richards. Bryson’s mother Abby was inside preparing refreshments at the time. “I figured the clown’s show would give me time to get the refreshments ready,” reported Mrs. Richards. “The kids were still laughing and clapping, so I figured everything was fine. When I came out with the tray of goodies, the clown was dead. I may never sleep again after seeing that lifeless white-painted face contorted into something that was either a death grimace or that horrible exaggerated clowny smile.” Asked if the children were as traumatized as she, Richards said, “Are you kidding? They were poking him with sticks and putting whatever they could find into his mouth. They’d even been taking turns riding him down the hill out back. They were more excited about playing with him that way than they were when he showed up at the party and gave everyone balloons.” 

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Obituary - Tony Block

Antonius “Tony” Block, 92, died September 25 in his home. Block, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer 20 years ago, had survived long past his doctors’ expectations. Family members report that he had attributed his long, improbable survival to his interest in chess, which began shortly after his diagnosis. “He devoted countless hours to devising chess strategies,” said Block’s widow Karin. “I never knew who his opponent was. I thought maybe he was practicing against himself, or maybe playing by mail. Occasionally I’d catch a glimpse of a pale man dressed all in black heading into or out of Tony’s study, but Tony would never tell me who the man was or if that was his chess opponent. All he’d ever say is that the game really kept him going.” Block’s health had been remarkably good under the circumstances, but on Wednesday Mrs. Block found her husband slumped in his chair at his chess board, on which White had unsuccessfully used the Scandinavian Defense against Black’s Danish Gambit, and the White king was in checkmate.

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Obituary - Benjamin Wojowski

Benjamin J. “Wow Wow” Wojowski, 53, died September 24. Wojowski, for decades a celebrated high-wire walker with the Peru Amateur Youth Circus and Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, was walking through downtown Indianapolis when he tripped over his own feet while approaching the corner of Meridian and Ohio Streets. Unable to regain his balance despite several seconds of jerky, flailing attempts to do so, Wojowski fell off the curb into the path of an oncoming IndyGo bus. During his circus career, “Wow Wow” Wojowski’s signature act was to hop on one foot across a high wire while balancing a chair—with an egg perched atop the chair back--on his head and spinning hoops on his arms.

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Obituary - Linda Shipman

Linda Shipman, 47, died in her Beech Grove home on September 22 of severe anaphylactic shock. Ms. Shipman, who according to her Pet Smart co-workers is never known to have married or to have had a serious relationship of any kind with a human, is survived by 38 cats. The Marion County Coroner reports that Ms. Shipman developed a sudden, cumulative allergy to cat dander.

Obituary - Carl Green

Carl Green, 48, died September 23 in his near south side home. Green, who never married, was devoted to his three pet Columbian tegu lizards. “He called them his kids,” reflected Green’s sister Margaret Green Parker. “I used to ask him why he wouldn’t get a dog or something that could love him back, and he just said that his lizards loved him in a way that was deeper and more pure than any dog or even human ever could.” Shrugging, Parker added, “The last I heard from him was he called me asking me to remind him to go to the pet store first thing in the morning, because for the first time ever he’d run out of food for them. He said he explained it to them, and made sure they knew that he loved them, and that they loved him back and understood and would be okay until morning.” Sometime in the night, the trio of four-foot lizards escaped their enclosure and consumed Green’s face.

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Obituary - William Kleinman

William T. Kleinman, 56, was killed September 22 in an automobile accident at US 36 and Dan Jones Road in Avon. Kleinman was in the rightmost westbound lane of US 36 when the light turned green. He proceeded into the intersection and was struck by a northbound pickup truck driven by Steven Peller, 32, as it sped through the red light on Dan Jones Road. Peller failed a breathalyzer test administered at the scene and was arrested. Witness David Williams said he was lucky he was not the victim. “I was in the left lane going west on 36, so if I’d pulled out there he’d have hit me first,” said Williams. “I was a little slow coming off the light because I was texting my wife. That guy who got killed must have been paying attention to the traffic signal.” A visibly shaken Williams added, “My god. If I hadn’t been texting and driving, I’d be dead right now.”

Obituary - Michael D. McDaniel

Michael D. “Mike” McDaniel, 61, died September 21 during a taping of the weekly WFYI program Indiana Week in Review. McDaniel, Executive Director of Governmental Affairs at Krieg DeVault LLP and former Indiana State Republican Chair, was engaged in one of the spirited debates that are the show’s hallmark when he made a particularly inflammatory comment about the sexual habits of the mother of Ann DeLaney, McDaniel’s fellow panelist and former Indiana State Democratic Chair. A brawl broke out among the panelists, during which DeLaney plunged her microphone through McDaniel’s left eye. McDaniel was pronounced dead at the scene. Show host Jim Shella, who was also injured in the fracas, told reporters “It’s always a little heated around here, but today everybody just went nuts.” Shella added, “I mean, [Panelist John] Ketzenberger broke my [expletive deleted] arm!” Shella then announced plans to put Indiana Week in Review on indefinite hiatus, and to be back on the air in two weeks with a call-in show about rainbows and puppies.

Obituary - Solomon Rustie

Solomon J. "Sol" Rustie, 63, was murdered September 19 in his Fishers home, in an apparent case of mistaken identity. Waylon Fortner of New Palestine, 45, who was arrested and charged with Rustie’s slaying, told reporters, “You mean that ain’t the guy them Iranians want dead? Well hell! Damn if his name don’t look like that guy’s. I thought it was weird, him livin’ in Indiana and all. But for three million bucks I didn’t want to take no chances on missin’ out.” When asked why he would want to carry out the fatwa against Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie, Fortner replied, “Naw, I ain’t Muslim. I’m a good, God-fearin’ Christian like the good Lord intended. But for that kind of money I’d skin and mount my own grandmother right up there over the fireplace.” Services for Mr. Rustie will be held at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Indianapolis.

Obituary - Paul Vance

Paul R. Vance of Indianapolis, 38, died September 18 at the Benton County Wind Farm near Earl Park, IN when one of the facility’s 87 turbines exploded. The accident has resulted in a massive wind spill. Orion Energy Group, LLC, which manages the facility, expressed confidence in its ability to mitigate the disaster. “It is always tragic when our quest to provide energy claims human life,” reported company spokesman Gerald Puter. “And the tragedy is magnified by the ongoing effects of a spill such as this one. There may be wind leaking from our turbine and flowing over the northwest Indiana fields right now, but our crews are working around the clock to contain the spill. I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to have been very, very modest.” Orion has deployed wind-containment booms and chemical wind dispersants, but environmentalists are skeptical of these efforts. Already volunteers are descending on Benton County to clean the spilled wind from local wildlife and from farmer’s crops.

Obituary - Jason Parker

Jason M. Parker, 28, died in his Plainfield home September 17. Parker, who weighed 105 pounds all of his adult life, died of acute starvation and dehydration. Parker had made a wager with his roommate, Kyle Ziland, over the effects of the weight loss drug Lipozene--which its television commercials gravely assert should only be taken by someone who is severely overweight--on someone Parker’s size. Within minutes of taking the first pill, Parker shriveled up before Ziland’s eyes, until at death his body weighed a mere 48 pounds. The drug’s maker, The Obesity Research Institute, issued a press release regarding Parker’s death. “Mr. Parker’s tragic death comes as a shock to us no less than to his family and friends,” the release said. “We never knew this shit worked at all.” Ziland added, “This sucks. Dude owes me $20.”

Obituary - Allen Thomas

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Allen J. Thomas, 42, died September 16 along with two other people in a massive ten bicycle pileup in the newly-added bicycle lane along Lafayette Road south of 56^th Street. The city of Indianapolis currently has 64 miles of bike lanes, with plans to stretch that number to 200 miles over the next several years. “These bicycle lanes are part of our effort to make cycling safer and more practical for the residents of Indianapolis,” reported Mayor Greg Ballard. Critics disagree. “With more and more people on bicycles,” said Richard Beltrane, spokesperson for local activist group Stop The Accident-prone Bike Lanes Everywhere (STABLE), “tragedies such as this one are inevitable. Not to mention bike jams, water bottle litter, noise pollution from rusty chains, and danger to pedestrians. And the chafing. Oh, the chafing! How many more people have to suffer and die before Indianapolis realizes that we should all be in nice, safe cars like before?”

Obituary - Rebecca Saunders

Rebecca Saunders, 27, died September 15 in the Best Chocolate in Town shop on Massachusetts Avenue when a 140 quart mixing bowl of chocolate slipped off its lift, smothering her under its scalding, viscous, delicious contents. Ms. Saunders was working on a batch of the store’s newest truffle flavor, which was to be called “Death by Chocolate.” Store owner Elizabeth Garber reports that a new name for the flavor will be forthcoming.

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Obituary - Tyler Browning

Tyler Zachary Browning, 16, died September 14 at the Westfield home of his friend Kyle Williams. Browning had apparently suggested the boys try “horsemanning,” a practice that involves taking a photograph in which one subject hides his or her head and another subject exposes only his or her head, resulting in the optical illusion that the first subject has been beheaded. Williams, who was described by Westfield High School officials as “never the brightest student,” was apparently unclear on the simulation aspect of the practice after Browning’s explanation, and police found Browning’s decapitated body in the Williams’ driveway near a distraught Williams who reportedly only mumbled repeatedly, “This wasn’t nearly as cool as he said it would be.”

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Obituary - Sally Paraczek

Sally Paraczek, 8, died September 13 of asphyxiation in the Charming Charlie store inside the Clay Terrace Mall in Carmel. “She wanted this huge pair of earrings that were just tacky,” reported Sally’s mother Alicia Paraczek. “Well I wasn’t about to buy them for her. What would the other mothers say if I let her wear such awful jewelry? So she said she was going to hold her breath until she died if I didn’t buy them.” Wiping away a single tear that did not smudge her tattooed mascara, Mrs. Paraczek added, “It shouldn’t even be possible to do that, but Sally was always such a strong-willed, expressive child. Well, I’ve learned my good parenting lesson. From now on Tyler [Sally’s younger brother Tyler Paraczek, 4] will get every single thing he asks for, no matter what.”

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Obituary - Mary-Margaret McCorkindale

Mary-Margaret Catherine Sophia Agnes McCorkindale, 39, died in her Avon home September 12. McCorkindale was looking at pictures and videos of kittens online with her sister, Brigid Carmen McCorkindale-Jones, 41. “We’d been looking at those sweet little kittens a while, “ reported McCorkindale-Jones. “Mary-Margaret kept getting more and more excited with each new little fuzzy face. Then—and I’m sure this is my fault—I pulled up a picture of this tiny little baby Calico, and she just squealed and said, ‘Oh he’s so cute I could just . . .’ and dropped to the floor. She never even got to finish her sentence, but I guess we know what she was going to say.” 

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Obituary - John Shaw's Libido

The 31-year-old libido of John Shaw, 44, died in the bedroom of the Shaws’ Southport home September 12. “I don’t know,” reported Mr. Shaw. “I mean, I still love Cheryl [Shaw’s wife of twenty years, Cheryl Shaw, 42] and all, but she’s put on like ten pounds since the kids, and she’s gotten a few wrinkles, and oh geez she took off her makeup before coming to bed. It’s like she just doesn’t care anymore what excites me. I guess that just finally killed my libido once and for all.” Mr. Shaw’s libido is preceded in death by Mrs. Shaw’s libido, which, according to Mrs. Shaw, was killed years before by Mr. Shaw’s utter disregard for his appearance and personal hygiene, his steady march toward morbid obesity, his complete lack of ambition or initiative, his domineering and selfish behavior, and his oafish and clumsy lovemaking.

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Obituary - Thomas Plimpton

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Thomas Ray Plimpton, 33, died September 10 at Brunhauser Manufacturing Company of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Plimpton, who had worked at Brunhauser for three years, was fired from the company that morning for repeated incidents of gross incompetence. Plimpton returned to the shop floor two hours later with several firearms. “He told us he was going to kill everyone here,” said shop manager Randy Fullman. “Then he said that to really make his point, he was going to start with himself.” Pausing for a thoughtful moment, Fullman added, “So . . . you can see why we let the guy go.”

Obituary - Georgina Toller

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Image credit: stevendepolo

Georgina Toller, 38, died September 9 at IU Health Methodist Hospital following a long bout with bone cancer. "God must have needed another angel," said Toller's daughter Melinda, 20. God, when interviewed, confirmed this to be the case. "We've had some real staff shortages up here," reported the Creator of the Universe. "Angels don't wear out, but with the population of Heaven getting bigger all the time we need more service staff to keep up." The Eternal One added, "Sure, I could just create more angels. But it's a lot easier to promote one of you." When asked why Ms. Toller had to endure such a painful death rather than--for example--dying peacefully in her sleep, The Supreme Being said, "Well, the ones with the lingering, excruciatingly agonizing deaths make better angels. They're grateful for even the most menial Heavenly jobs." With a wink and a finger pistol gesture, the Merciful One added, "Besides, hey, sometimes that's just how I roll."

Obituary - Jaden Diller

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Image credit: vera mulyani

Jaden Diller, 16, died September 8 in his candlelight-and-Atreyu-filled bedroom at his family’s Noblesville home when “My Heart is a Black Hole,” the poem he had written for The Polk Street Review, Noblesville High School’s literary magazine, proved accurate. The resulting singularity, into which the very matter of Diller’s body was crushed out of existence, became unstable and disintegrated moments later. Though there was considerable damage to the Diller home, the black hole that had been Jaden's heart did not last long enough to consume the entire planet as predicted in the poem. Diller’s school friends are reportedly mourning his death, but there has been no discernible change from their usual clothing, mannerisms, or mood to indicate this. 

Obituary - Phillip Belltower

Phillip H. Belltower, 49, died September 7 in his Westfield home. Belltower, who was an avid marathon runner, avoided tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, and all processed foods. “He always took such good care of himself,” said his widow Margaret Belltower, 46. “He said he wanted to be sure to stay around for a long, long time.” Mr. Belltower choked to death on the  uncooked sprouted grain bun of his raw nut and vegetable “burger.”

Obituary - Chuck Norris

Renowned actor, martial artist, pitchman, and conservative Christian author Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, 72, died September 6 at Grimes St. Joseph Health Center in Navasota, TX of an infected hangnail. Norris, whose “ultimate tough guy” image gave rise to the Internet phenomenon of “Chuck Norris Facts” (e.g., “Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door”), developed the hangnail September 3. Doctors were baffled. “Lots of people get infected hangnails,” said hospital spokesperson Dr. Mary Keene. “But for such infections to prove fatal is almost unheard of. And despite our best efforts, Mr. Norris succumbed remarkably quickly to this otherwise quite weak infection.” Shaking her head, Dr. Keene added, “It’s as if Chuck Norris put up no fight at all. No fight at all.”

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Obituary - Paul McCluskey

Image credit: RJ Bailey

Paul T. McCluskey, 27, died of cardiac arrest on September 5 in his near-east Indianapolis apartment. McCluskey was in the process of consuming his eighth Doritos Locos Taco Supreme of a twelve-pack at the time of his death. “Every time a fast food place came out with something new,” roommate John Atherton reflected, “Paul just had to try it. And when I say ‘try,’ I mean eat like ten of ‘em at a time.” McCluskey’s other roommate Will Jameson added, “He always said he was like that Super-Size Me guy [filmmaker Morgan Spurlock] except he had more commitment because he was at it for, like, ten years instead of thirty days. And he wasn’t making a movie about it. And that Super Size Me guy is still alive."

Obituary - Billy Jessup

Image credit: C.P. Storm

William P. “Billy” Jessup, 59, died in the backyard of neighbor Clyde Parker, 54, when Jessup was slightly slower to exercise his Second Amendment rights than was Parker when the two men got into an argument at Parker’s block party. According to witnesses, the dispute was over who should get the last of neighbor Ginny Turner’s potato salad. “I had another bowl of it in the cooler,” said Ms. Turner. “But before I could even offer to go get it, them [sic] two got to yellin’ and next thing I know it was bang-bang-bang.” Parker, who was not injured, was taken into police custody after he surrendered to every other attendee at the block party, each of whom held his or her own Second Amendment rights on Parker until police arrived. “All I can say is thank God for the Second Amendment,” a tearful Ms. Turner added. “If people here hadn't had their  guns, that fight might have turned out different [sic].”

Obituary - Vincent Chambers

Vincent P. Chambers, 38, died September 3 in an abandoned warehouse in downtown Indianapolis. Mr. Chambers, who had a lengthy criminal record, was discovered in a dumpster behind the warehouse with gunshot wounds, stab wounds, strangulation marks, extensive blunt force trauma, and extremely high levels of fumarin (rat poison) in his system. The official cause of death is listed as “accident,” and this conclusion is corroborated by certain of Mr. Chambers’ associates who wish to remain anonymous but who claim to be witnesses to his demise. When pressed for further details, the associates reminded this reporter that he shouldn’t oughta ask so many questions.

Obituary - Matt Thomas and Kelly Palance

Romantic couple Matt Thomas, 32, and Kelly Palance, 30, were killed September 2 in their Carmel home.  The pair had just finished writing out their pre-engagement joint “bucket list” of things they wanted to accomplish together before either of them died. The couple had entered the kitchen to make lunch when Thomas tripped over a mop bucket Palance had left out after cleaning the kitchen that morning, kicking it to Palance’s path. She too tripped over the bucket, kicking it across the room. Palance fell into Thomas, and together they tumbled down the basement stairs, breaking both their necks.

Obituary - Herman Marshall

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Herman Marshall, 63, died August 26 in his Indianapolis home when he was struck by an errant bolt of lightning from an otherwise cloudless sky. Mr. Marshall is survived by his wife, Joan Marshall, 62, who told authorities, "I knew he was lying."

Obituary - Marla Simpkins

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Marla M. Boling Simpkins, 56, died September 2 in her home. Mrs. Simpkins was attempting to hang a sign that read “I BITE THE LETTER CARRIER” around the neck of her 120lb bull mastiff named Mr. Cuddlewuddles in order to take a photograph for the online blog "dog-shaming.com" when her attempt at the popular human practice of “dog shaming” became an incident of the popular dog practice of “human mauling.”

Obituary - Sarah Connor

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Five different Indianapolis-area women named Sarah Connor, aged 23, 28, 32, 34, and 37 respectively, all died on September 1 of gunshot wounds. IMPD reports that it does not believe the incidents are related to each other, to the massive burglary at Don’s Guns the previous night, or to reports preceding the gun heist of a muscular nude man seen walking the downtown alleyways after some sort of weird lightning shit happened.