Lance Armstrong's Bicycle Releases Tell-All Biography

PLANO, TX - As questions continue to mount in the doping case against 7-time Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong, the former cyclist's bicycle today released a new tell-all biography, in which it claims to have borne witness to the alleged activities. The book, entitled The Ride to Infamy and which was unveiled in bookshops nationwide Thursday, details a timeline of events in which Mr. Armstrong allegedly partook in performance enhancing activities, including doping. "During the 1999 Tour de France, Lance pedaled the shit out of me," said the bike, in chapter eight of the book. "I knew right there and then that either my master was super human, or something untoward was going on out there." At press time, the bike has not been called in by investigators as a credible witness in the case.

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Obituary - Allen Thomas

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Allen J. Thomas, 42, died September 16 along with two other people in a massive ten bicycle pileup in the newly-added bicycle lane along Lafayette Road south of 56^th Street. The city of Indianapolis currently has 64 miles of bike lanes, with plans to stretch that number to 200 miles over the next several years. “These bicycle lanes are part of our effort to make cycling safer and more practical for the residents of Indianapolis,” reported Mayor Greg Ballard. Critics disagree. “With more and more people on bicycles,” said Richard Beltrane, spokesperson for local activist group Stop The Accident-prone Bike Lanes Everywhere (STABLE), “tragedies such as this one are inevitable. Not to mention bike jams, water bottle litter, noise pollution from rusty chains, and danger to pedestrians. And the chafing. Oh, the chafing! How many more people have to suffer and die before Indianapolis realizes that we should all be in nice, safe cars like before?”