Asshole You Went to School With Wants to Know If You'd Like Extra Lettuce with That

INDIANAPOLIS - Despite spending most of his teen years being an insufferable prick to you and your friends, an asshole you went to school with would now be interested to know if you'd like extra lettuce with that.

Serving you at Jimmy John's Tuesday, the 27-year-old, who routinely used to spit in your hair during 8th grade biology, stated enthusiastically this afternoon that he would be happy to get you some more napkins.

"How's that Slim 2 working out for you?," inquired the part-time server,

Local Grandma Thinks Rest of Family Should Know That Janice from 3 Doors Down Undergoing Bowel Operation

INDIANAPOLIS - Systematically phoning every adult member of her immediate family Monday, 91-year-old local grandma Eileen Calderwood thought that everyone should know that Janice from three doors down is going in for her bowel operation this Friday.

Insisting that her neighbor, with whom Calderwood's family are only vaguely familiar, has appeared "very pale recently," Calderwood openly

Piece of Folded Card Irreversibly Strengthens Bond Between Wife, Husband

INDIANAPOLIS - Sources reported Thursday that a single piece of folded card - the same paper stock used to package cereal and Lean Cuisine frozen meals -irreversibly strengthened the loving bond between local woman Nancy Hargis and her husband Matthew.

Boyfriend Somehow Given Final Say Over Which of These 2 Dresses Goes Best with The White Heels

INDIANAPOLIS - Despite possessing virtually no discernible fashion sense or understanding of basic color-coordination, local boyfriend Joseph Clapham was somehow given final say Thursday over which of these two dresses goes best with the white heels.

Copycat Killer Incapable Of Coming Up With Exciting Murder Scenarios of His Own

INDIANAPOLIS - Confessing Tuesday to the killing of 23-year-old Katheryn Morgan, copycat killer Dwayne Paulsen admitted that he is "just incapable" of coming up with creative murder scenarios of his own.

Paulsen's modus operandi bore stark similarities to that of Jake Howlett, who killed and buried three women in Indianapolis in 2007, before being sentenced to life

Word 'Belated' Now Only Used In Birthday Messages

BLOOMINGTON - It was revealed Monday by linguistic professors at Indiana University that the word "belated" - an adjective whose origins can been traced back to the year 1610 - is now only used in birthday messages.

The word, which is typically applied in phrases such as "happy belated birthday", is estimated to

That One Friend Bores You with All The Details Regardless

INDIANAPOLIS - Describing a mildly amusing incident that occurred during a recent visit to the mall Monday, that one friend of yours who is perfectly nice but won't ever shut up, proceeded to bore you with all of the details nonetheless.

Though your friend stated in seemingly clear terms that you would be spared the finer points of the incident, the socially-maladjusted individual nonetheless

Male Facebook User Skips Past All of Attractive Woman's Cat Pictures

INDIANAPOLIS - Drawn to an alluring profile picture of an attractive work acquaintance named Danielle, Indianapolis man Mark Vasey subconsciously skipped past all of the 24-year-old's cat pictures Saturday.

Initially clicking on her latest profile picture, which shows the young marketing consultant lounging by a swimming pool in nothing but a

Children's Museum Launches Terrifying 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' Exhibit

INDIANAPOLIS - Ahead of its busy Halloween season this month, The Children's Museum of Indianapolis today piloted a terrifying exhibit in which children were subjected to re-enacted scenes from the movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Offering families a special $5 discount, museum officials said they hoped to put on "an extravaganza that kids could remember for years

Richard Mourdock's Senate Campaign in Disarray As God Comes Out as Pro Choice

INDIANAPOLIS - The senate campaign of Indiana's leading Republican candidate, Richard Mourdock, is reportedly in disarray Tuesday after the Almighty Father in Heaven identified himself as pro-choice. 

God's stance on the issue of abortion comes as a particular blow to Mr. Mourdock, who insisted during Tuesday's senatorial debate that "rape pregnancies are God's will".

Cat Subconsciously Putting Own Sensibilities Onto Humans

INDIANAPOLIS -  Having carried out little research into the species in question, 2-year-old Indianapolis cat, Mickey, continues to subconsciously put his own sensibilities onto humans - specifically his 29-year-old owner Matt.

Incorrectly determining that his overlord probably enjoys the sight of an expensive photo frame or delicate candle holder falling from

Student Cramming in Some Last Minute Procrastination

MUNCIE, IN - Ahead of his first midterm exam Monday, Ball State University English major, Ross O'Keefe, was hard at work Sunday cramming in some much-needed and last minute procrastination.

Equipping himself with the tools required to compose a detailed essay on literary criticism, with particular reference to the works of

Local Dad Nominates Self to Be The Designated Drinker

INDIANAPOLIS - Embarking on a family outing to Red Lobster Saturday, local dad Thomas Gregory  opted to nominate himself as the family's designated drinker, insisting that "it was the right thing to do." Even though his wife Pam and two children, Jake and Gretchen, enjoyed a truly momentous and alcohol-free afternoon together, the 39-year-old appeared to nonetheless

'I've Worked Long and Hard to get Where I am Today', Lies Attractive Business Woman

INDIANAPOLIS - Stunning local business woman Elizabeth Snowden today insisted that her successful career and blossoming lifestyle were the result of hard work and dogged persistence: a lie she has maintained now for over four years.

Snowden, who is current vice president of Mulgrove-Snowden Insurance Ltd, incorrectly stated that ever since she first entered the company's doors dressed in a tight fitting

Indiana Man Not Going to Get Stuck Behind Another Freaking Train

ANDERSON - According to sources from inside a blue 2007 Dodge Nitro Friday, Indiana man Carl Dullwich is reportedly not going to get stuck behind another God damn freaking train, you hear? No way, mister. That kind of shit - he hopes you know - ain't gonna happen to Carl "the Dukester" Dullwich twice in a week. As a matter of fact, Dullwich is about ready to take a right on Claymore Avenue and hightail it across

Struggling Writer Hammers Out Lengthy First Overdraft

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INDIANAPOLIS - Having failed to produce any meaningful material in over six months, struggling Indianapolis writer Ben Sizemore was at least able to spend most of Wednesday afternoon hammering out a substantially lengthy first overdraft. Using his debit card to purchase a number of DVDs and to enjoy a meal-for-one at Applebee's, the unemployed former Ball State Creative Writing major insists that he knocked out a staggering $72.79 in just under two hours. "Sometimes, when I'm feeling really motivated, I can just rattle my way through each $10-bill without even thinking about it," said the 24-year-old. "I guess often just come naturally to me."

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Local Man Can't Believe It Already October

INDIANAPOLIS - Local man Brent Deakins today expressed disbelief at the fact that October - a month he has experienced 26 times before - has come around again already.

Deakins - a stock broker from Indianapolis - sat down to work Monday, and was initially taken aback by the date on his computer monitor.

That One Empty Building Suddenly a Halloween Store

INDIANAPOLIS - According to various sources Monday, that one totally empty building downtown - you know, that one right next-door to Great Clips - suddenly became a Halloween store over the weekend. Previously consisting of little more than a dusty interior and two mysterious paint cans, the building, which routinely spends the year utterly unoccupied, was today decked out in a shiny new orange-black color-scheme, with "Halloween City" spelled out across its facade. Though details are few at press time, it is believed that the shop will transition into a red and white Christmas outlet later next month before it is forgotten about for another 10 months.   

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Bunch of Big Ass Wind Turbines Appear The Heck Out of Nowhere

BENTON COUNTY, IN - A bunch of really big ass wind turbines appeared the heck out of nowhere Friday, as Charlene and Andrew Mayfield headed north along U.S. 52 bound for Chicago. 

The couple had apparently been driving along for almost two hours when, holy shit

Local Parents Think Utterly Unremarkable Thespian Daughter Did Really Great Up There

INDIANAPOLIS - Parents of local thespian Stacey Mannering, 14, told the utterly unremarkable drama enthusiast Friday that she did really great up there throughout a barely noticeable performance as Citizen #2 in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Though she was only seen vaguely in the background in just one or two scenes and added very little to the unfolding action on stage, Stacey was greeted with a rose and an approving hug from Marsha and Derek Mannering, following a 3-hour show in which she featured for a mere 7 minutes. "Honey, you did awesome out there tonight," said Mrs Mannering, alongside her beaming husband. "That was just... wow."

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