Marriage between members of the Equidae family and homosapiens is not currently recognized by any of the 50 states, though state senators in Alabama are thought to be moving forward with a proposal.
Showing posts with label USA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label USA. Show all posts
Nation's Horses Demand Right to Marry Owners
Marriage between members of the Equidae family and homosapiens is not currently recognized by any of the 50 states, though state senators in Alabama are thought to be moving forward with a proposal.
Obama Accused of Lip Syncing Throughout State Of the Union Address
Common Sense Files to Secede from The Union
WASHINGTON D.C. - Following a number of high profile lapses in ordinary, rational behavior across the country in recent months, common sense put forward a petition Friday to secede from the United States.
Filing its petition on the White House's website today, common sense - an often complex and misunderstood compound noun - is seeking to gain the 25,000 signatures required to force the president to pass judgement on the motion.
Speaking on a rare visit to Washington D.C. Friday, common sense insisted that it "could no longer live in a country where it had become marginalized by the ruling class of ignorance and baseless claims. I hereby follow the action taken by my close ally, civil conversation, and make a motion to secede from the United States of America."
So far, almost half of the 30,000 remaining U.S. citizens who routinely employ common sense have signed the petition, which mandates that a break-away nation called "Commonsensical Island" will be formed to outlaw, among other things, extremely misguided political viewpoints, racially motivated tweets and possibly even Twitter itself.
"I can no longer be a part of a nation, where a presidential candidate, who openly marginalizes 47% of the population, comes within a hair of taking the popular vote," continued common sense. "Nor can I remain faithful to this nation's constitution, every amendment of which is routinely held to wild misinterpretation, selective usage and willful violation."
"It has not been a decision I have taken lightly. But after hearing post-election sentiments predicting a second American Civil War, the rise of a so-called "communist dictatorship", and the supposed darkest chapter in American history, I have been left with no choice.
According to historians, this marks the seventeenth recorded case in which common sense has attempted to separate from the U.S., with its most high profile cases coming at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, as well as during the eight-year presidency of George W. Bush.
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NPR Coverage of Petraeus Affair Interrupted by Annoying, Irrelevant Report on Syria Slaughter
Insisting that NPR "ignored its duty to prioritize information that was very much in the public interest", a spokesperson for CNN said that "it was extremely irresponsible (of NPR) to give violence in Damascus such overwhelming attention at the expense of letting the American people know how one of our most decorated generals cheated on his wife of 38 years."
"NPR really dropped the ball on this one," continued the spokesperson. "What is news-journalism coming to when filler material about 350 dead non-Americans is scheduled ahead of investigative reports into the life and background of Petraeus' mistress, Paula Broadwell?"
"The American public have a right to know about these things."
Airing a pointless, 15-minute critique of the al-Asaad regime, after only a cursory look into General Petraeus' subsequent feelings of guilt and regret, National Public Radio, says Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, "compromised 42 years of integrity."
"Folks, this is what your tax dollars are being spent on: lazy, dumbed-down reporting that masquerades as news," said Smith. "The American people don't need to be bombarded with images of devastated city squares, or Syria's fatality statistics. Especially when we're just now getting word that FBI agents have entered Miss Broadwell's home. You heard me right, folks: they have entered Miss Broadwell's home."
Responding to the controversy, meanwhile, NPR officials drew further ire this afternoon when it was announced that crucial statements set to be given by Petraeus' wife, Holly, Wednesday would follow an hour-long report into the "uninspiring and outdated" topic of climate change.
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Mittromney.com Sells for $0.49
WASHINGTON D.C. - After a long election season, which culminated in an eventual landslide electoral defeat for Republican presidential challenger Mitt Romney, the domain name for the former Massachusetts governor's campaign was sold today for $0.49.
Even though mittromney.com had been valued at approximately $2.5m just days after the Republican National Convention in August, the official homepage and all related pages were significantly devalued Wednesday after it became apparent that President Obama had soared to an election victory.
Election aficionado James Tomlinson of Boise, Idaho is reported to have had an initial bid of $0.38 rejected by the hosting service Godaddy.com, who valued the domain at around $0.50, citing its "somewhat historical worth."
Tomlinson, who purports to own a "basement-full" of election memorabilia dating back to John F. Kennedy's successful campaign in 1960, is also the official domain holder for johnmccain.com and michaeldukakis88.com.
"I just love all of that stuff," said the 54-year-old, navigating his latest acquisition. "Elections represent such historic and memorable times in our lives, and, even though Mr. Romney's campaign will soon be utterly forgotten by the majority of Americans, this (mittromney.com) is no exception."
Meanwhile, in an effort to ensure the historical significance of the domain, Tomlinson has vowed to leave the website just the way it was on the morning of November 7.
"There's just something so very sad about the way it was left," continued Tomlinson. "The final post simply reads: "we're at almost 12,000,000 likes on Facebook. Join our community and connect with Mitt."
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Nation Subjects Obama to Another 4 Years
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WASHINGTON D.C. - In a tight election contest, President Obama was officially subjected to another 4 years in office by a sadistic American electorate Tuesday.
Mr. Obama, who has endured relentless and regularly unfounded attacks from the Republican Party in his first year, will be forced to work in the same, thankless position until 2016, in which he is expected to suffer the vitriolic abuse of the GOP, following the expansion of Obamacare, immigtration reform, and gay rights.
"Thank you to everyone who got out there and voted," said the President-elect, from his victory speech platform in Chicago, Illinois. "Unfortunately we didn't quite make it. That's right: the majority voted for my re-election."
The Obama campaign issued a statment Wednesday, conceding that Republican rival Mitt Romney had "fought a good fight" and that he had successfully fated Obama to 4 more years in Washington D.C.
"We extend our congratulations to Governor Romney," said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe. "His defeat tonight confirms the unthinkable: that President Obama must go through another four years of this shit. We remain gracious in victory."
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Latest Jobs Report Shows Only Four Americans Were Employed During October
WASHINGTON - In a bleak assessment of our economic times, the latest jobs report released by the Labor Department has found that only four people in the entire country actually had a job during the month of October.The figure fell considerably below expectations, which posited that the number of employed people would rise by around 130,000.
According to the figures, the unemployment rate slumped to its lowest standing since records began, with estimates declaring that 99.99999994% of Americans were without a job for the 31-day duration of October.
Various reasons have been cited for the sharp downturn, while many believe that Fall illnesses, Halloween, and Hurricane Sandy caused millions of Americans to unexpectedly leave their jobs.
Back on the campaign trail following the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, President Barack Obama made clear his despair at the latest figures, insisting: "Wow, this is... this is very, very embarrassing."
"Apparently, not even I did any work last month," he said, looking at the report. "I guess campaigning isn't technically classed as employment. My fellow Americans, I unreservedly apologize. These figures are just not good enough."
The report found that the entire sum of all American productivity was comprised only of work carried out by New York MD, Dennis Hughes, Oregon librarian Mary Cartwright, Indiana farmer Bill Tuffnell and Oklahoma mechanic, David Castleton.
However, further studies have found that Mr. Castleton was laid off toward the end of the month, and has since applied for unemployment insurance.
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Republican Whose Home Destroyed by Hurricane Sandy Reluctantly Accepts Government Handouts
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STAMFORD, CT - In the aftermath of one of the worst storms to batter the East Coast of the United States in recorded history, a Republican man whose lakeside house was left with almost $1.7-million-worth of damage at the hands of Hurricane Sandy reluctantly accepted government handouts Tuesday, as FEMA moved to assist those in need.
Despite routinely criticizing the Obama Administration for its perceived expansion of entitlement programs, longtime GOP supporter, James Winkler of Stamford Connecticut, held his head in his hands today, and conceded: "okay, just this once."
"Even though I firmly believe it is inherently wrong for the people of this great nation to depend on government for any kind of benefit or financial relief," he said, "my home and everything that I hold dear has been taken away from me."
"That is why I will begrudgingly accept a little bit of help from FEMA. Just a little bit. One time only."
In an effort to be clear, the 57-year-old insisted, that just because he was willing to make an exception this time around, doesn't mean that his staunch opposition to programs such as social security, medicare and unemployment insurance would not "remain as strong as ever."
"Look, just because an exceptional circumstance has arisen, whereby I have ultimately been rendered penniless, does not mean that the people should have to become dependent on government."
"The government should rely on its people, not the other way around," he continued, staring defeated at his flooded house. "Only on occasions like this - when all is lost, when a person cannot help themselves - is it okay for government to intervene."
Meanwhile, it is understood that Mr. Winkler diffidently offered his gratitude to the government-employed firemen who rescued him from the second floor of his house late last night.
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Report: Hard To Tell If Brooklyn Battered By Hurricane
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NEW YORK CITY, NY - According to hundreds of eye-witnesses in New York Monday, the borough of Brooklyn "may or may not" have been affected by the onslaught of Hurricane Sandy, with one onlooker insisting: "it's honestly hard to tell". Though it would appear that the area has been devastated by widespread flooding, people on the ground said that the destruction being seen in places such as Lower Manhattan was "perfectly normal" in places like Bushwick and Bed-Stuy. Surveying the perceived damage in Brownsville, Brooklyn, a confused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo reportedly turned to advisers and asked: "does Brooklyn always look this awful? Why haven't we done anything about this mess before now?"
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Fewer Trick-Or-Treaters Than 20 Years Ago, Lament Nation's Pedophiles
INDIANAPOLIS - Ahead of this year's Halloween, the nation's pedophiles lamented Monday the relatively low number of children seen trick-or-treating on the streets in recent years.
Recalling a time when groups of young children would freely mobilize between houses in search of candy, sex offenders from across the country laid blame on the media and its "whirlwind of paranoia" for the apparent decline in trick-or-treaters.
"Halloween is not what it was in the early Nineties," the pedophile community agreed today. "I remember back then, parents were not afraid to let their kids roam the streets as they are today."
"From about 1994 onward, Halloween has just deteriorated into a pathetic excuse of a holiday," the collective continued. "It is truly sad how the mainstream media has sensationalized and over-exaggerated the threat posed to children, all in the interest of ratings."
Bizarrely, the widespread discontent among pedophiles was shared this afternoon by the nation's parents, who declared that trick-or-treating "was all the rage back when we ourselves were little".
"It's such a shame that it has come to this," agreed both the nation's parents and sex offenders later this evening.
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Romney: 'As President, I Will Put a Man On Mars By 2014'
WASHINGTON D.C. - In an effort to bolster support for his campaign ahead of next month's presidential election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has vowed to put a man on the surface of Mars by the year 2014.
Speaking at a post debate rally in Mount Vernon, Ohio Tuesday, Mr. Romney insisted that funding a dangerous manned mission to the Red Planet would become the number one issue on his agenda from day one.
"I want to see an America where the people can feel inspired again; I want to see an America that thrives on innovation, on ingenuity," said the former Massachusetts governor. "That is why I stand before you today, and promise to send a man - possibly more than one - to the northern hemisphere of Mars two years from today."
Mr. Romney was quick to attack President Obama's record on Mars, insisting that a proposed mission to the planet in the year 2033 was "too long for the American people to wait."
"The current administration seems to think we should wait another 25 years, and waste time and resources on rock sample projects," he continued. "This is unacceptable. We need to land on Mars now. And by the way, I'm not talking about sending another robot, or a space observatory. Listen to these words again: I'm going to send a living, breathing man."
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Ageing Jimmy Carter Accidentally Endorses Mitt Romney for President
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WASHINGTON D.C. - In a televised address before the press corps Saturday, ageing former Democratic president Jimmy Carter accidentally endorsed Mitt Romney for the presidency, insisting: "Romney is a progressive thinker and he's gonna do a whole bunch of good for America."
Appearing to slur his words as he spoke to various members of the press, the 88-year-old left-leaning goodwill ambassador declared that Romney "is the only guy who can get the job done (inaudible)... it's going to be really exciting to see him win."
"He's the real deal," he continued.
Carter's endorsement comes as a bitter blow for incumbent president, Barack Obama, who is believed to consider former President Carter as a relatively close ally in Washington. Speaking at a campaign stop in northern Virginia, the president expressed disappointment at the news.
"I am surprised that President Carter has opted to endorse my opponent, Governor Romney," he said. "I can only hope that he was just having one of his bad days and that he'll retract his statement after the weekend. We'll have to wait and see."
Carter's surprise announcement comes almost 20 years to the day after former president, Ronald Reagan, opted to endorse Thomas Jefferson in the 1992 presidential election.
Appearing to slur his words as he spoke to various members of the press, the 88-year-old left-leaning goodwill ambassador declared that Romney "is the only guy who can get the job done (inaudible)... it's going to be really exciting to see him win."
"He's the real deal," he continued.
Carter's endorsement comes as a bitter blow for incumbent president, Barack Obama, who is believed to consider former President Carter as a relatively close ally in Washington. Speaking at a campaign stop in northern Virginia, the president expressed disappointment at the news.
"I am surprised that President Carter has opted to endorse my opponent, Governor Romney," he said. "I can only hope that he was just having one of his bad days and that he'll retract his statement after the weekend. We'll have to wait and see."
Carter's surprise announcement comes almost 20 years to the day after former president, Ronald Reagan, opted to endorse Thomas Jefferson in the 1992 presidential election.
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Arizona Legislators to Outlaw Baby Wrestling
Opponents are calling the practice “vile and reprehensible.”
No one knows just how many baby wrestling rings exist. The bill would include
funding for police to shut down the rings, and, because this form of violence
against children is perceived as "shocking", law enforcement officials and judges have unsuccessfully attempted to quietly sweep the issue under the rug.
“Children as young as 18 months old are being forced to
fight each other,” said Tuscon officer Steve Swanson. In what is being seen as
an affront to children across Arizona, baby fighting rings are being exposed.
The clandestine culture of baby wrestling is believed to be
directly related to other criminal activity, including baby gang violence. One ring
leader, Davios Smith, has already been arrested, and charged with manslaughter.
Images and videos of fights were found on his home computer.
Among the evidence, police found videos of babies forced to
crawl on treadmills in an effort to increase their cardiovascular fitness and
endurance. One other man, identified as a baby fighting “coach” was arrested
and charged with multiple felonies, including child endangerment. Police also
found nutritional supplements and hormones along with cocaine and steroids at
the home of Smith; it was unclear which drugs and supplements were given to the
children.
“This baby fighting has got to stop,” said feminist journalist
and anti-baby wrestling activist Marisa Meltzer. She has been one of the most
vocal media opponents of the practice to date. The bill is expected to pass in
January.
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Libertarian Candidate Closes Gap on Obama to Just 68 Million Votes
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Paul Ryan: 'Must Not Look Weak, Must Not Look Weak, Must Not Look Weak'
Laurence Brown | Friday, October 12, 2012 |
2012 US Election
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debate
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Paul Ryan
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USA
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Vice Presidential Debate
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Adopting a serious tone during post-debate festivities, the 42-year-old said it was absolutely vital that he refrain from breaking down in uncontrollable tears after what, after all, was a healthy debate with Mr. Biden.
"Be a man, Paul Ryan," Mr. Ryan repeatedly told himself backstage, while violently slapping his face. "Crying is a sign of weakness. Pull yourself together and show those motherfuckers who is boss. No one messes with Paul "The Muscle Machine" Ryan."
"I'm a tiger, damn it," he continued, as campaign advisers asked, from behind his dressing room door, if he was alright.
According to several news correspondents on the scene, the Wisconsin congressman further proceeded to rip off his suit jacket in a moment of "intense emotional abandon", in which Mr. Ryan was heard whispering the words: "I won't fail you, daddy. I won't fail you."
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More National Stories | More Election Coverage | Go To The Front Page
Vice Presidential Debate Ready to Step In Should Something Happen to Presidential Debate
Laurence Brown | Wednesday, October 10, 2012 |
2012 US Election
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Joe Biden
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Paul Ryan
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USA
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Vice Presidential Debate
More National Stories | More Mini News Stories | More election coverage | Go To The Front Page
Big Bird Endorses Elmo for President
Laurence Brown | Wednesday, October 10, 2012 |
2012 US Election
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Big Bird
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Elmo
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Mitt Romney
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Obama
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Sesame Street
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USA
Following last week's presidential debate, in which Republican Mitt Romney said he would cut funding to PBS, Big Bird has been launched into the political spotlight, most notably in a campaign ad for President Obama.
"Let's face it," said the 8-foot, yellow Muppet in an address to millions of children nationwide. "The Republicans and the Democrats are two sides of the same coin these days. Only a candidate who represents all Americans, who understands who he is, can get the job done. That candidate is Elmo."
Though the three-and-half-year-old red Muppet did not seek an exploratory commission by the national deadline, it is believed that Big Bird and the rest of the Sesame Street cast are planning to nominate Elmo via a write-in.
Asked what an Elmo Presidency would mean for the economy and job creation, the candidate was unequivocal in his response: "Elmo knows how bad this economy is. After all, on the September 1, 2009 taping of the show, Elmo's mother lost her job. Those were tough times."
"Vote Elmo."
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Rush Limbaugh Catches Little Toe On Chair Leg
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According to Limbaugh's wife Kathryn Rogers, the radio personality was heading briskly to the kitchen when the far side of his right foot connected at full speed with the inconveniently placed item of furniture.
"I felt so bad for him," said Limbaugh's fourth wife, as she watched him rolling around in unbearable agony on the living room floor. "I was just watching television, when all of a sudden Rush let out one of those almighty screams. At first, I thought he was just venting against the inherent liberal bias in the media, but I looked up and saw him welling up with tears. I could tell he was in great physical discomfort."
At press time, Limbaugh was reportedly unable to get through the remainder of his day without recreating the incident over and over in his mind, something that caused him to wince every time.
Sweating Romney Can't Stop Asking Advisers How He Did Out There
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DENVER, CO - Following Wednesday's opening presidential debate at the University of Denver, a sweating Mitt Romney would not stop asking advisers how he did.
Nervously loosening his tie, the former Massachusetts governor stormed into campaign manager Matt Rhoades' temporary office, demanding: "well?"
Though several staffers affirmed that the Republican candidate had performed favorably in his debate with incumbent Barack Obama, Romney asked everyone, from his wife Ann to 22-year-old Republican intern Kevin Tisley, whether he did all right out there tonight.
"Look, I've got to know," said Mr. Romney to a passerby who appeared to be wearing a Romney/Ryan 2012 t-shirt. "Did I nail it tonight?"
"I mean, I know you were probably backstage for most of the debate, but tell me: from what you saw, did I hold my own? Did I?"
Seemingly unwilling to listen to supportive messages from fellow Republicans and campaign strategists, a frantic Mr. Romney vowed to give a live televised conference on Thursday in which he will ask the nation: "honestly, what did you think?"
More National Stories | More Election Coverage | More Mitt Romney News
Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary
Speaking over a bullhorn, Tea Party stalwart Terry Higgins gave a damning criticism of what he perceived as the Obama administration's attempt to expand the size of the national lexicon, with repeated use of words like "vitriolic", "insatiable" and "rationale".
"We need rid of Obama, y'hear me?" said Mr. Higgins, in a notably prosaic speech. "There are too many people in this great country who rely on words to get by. We must do whatever it takes to stop that."
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