Rush Limbaugh Catches Little Toe On Chair Leg

NEW YORK, NY - In a deeply excruciating moment Monday, conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh accidentally caught his little toe on a dining room chair, causing the 61-year-old to scream out in agony for over half a minute.

According to Limbaugh's wife Kathryn Rogers, the radio personality was heading briskly to the kitchen when the far side of his right foot connected at full speed with the inconveniently placed item of furniture. 

"I felt so bad for him," said Limbaugh's fourth wife, as she watched him rolling around in unbearable agony on the living room floor. "I was just watching television, when all of a sudden Rush let out one of those almighty screams. At first, I thought he was just venting against the inherent liberal bias in the media, but I looked up and saw him welling up with tears. I could tell he was in great physical discomfort."

At press time, Limbaugh was reportedly unable to get through the remainder of his day without recreating the incident over and over in his mind, something that caused him to wince every time.

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Rush Limbaugh Spontaneously Combusts

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CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO - Fans and relatives paid tribute to Rush Limbaugh Saturday, after the Conservative talk-show host spontaneously combusted during a live broadcast, rendering him identifiable only by his shoes. Experts on the scene said that Mr Limbaugh likely suffered considerable, if momentary, pain, and almost certainly screamed in agony before his 312lb body burned into a pile of ash.

Rush Limbaugh Crushed Under Falling Vending Machine

PALM BEACH COUNTY, FL - Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was flattened Sunday after a freak accident involving a vending machine left the 61-year-old with multiple injuries.

Just 24 hours after issuing an apology to law student Sandra Fluke for calling her a "slut" and "a prostitute" on his live show, EMTs rushed Limbaugh to nearby Palm Beach County Hospital, where the radio personality is being treated for excruciating rib damage, three broken fingers and a fractured cheek bone.

Additionally, Limbaugh is being treated for first degree burns after the hot cup of coffee he was holding at the time of the accident poured all over his chest, face and legs.

"Mr Limbaugh is having one or two difficulties breathing at this time," said Dr. Brian Gabbidon. "We're keeping an eye on him around the clock, and we just hope he can find it within himself to stop crying out in pain every second of the day."

"Honestly, I've never seen anything so... well, pathetic."

It is believed that Limbaugh, whose radio career stems back some 40 years, was attempting to dislodge a pack of M&Ms from the vending machine when his left wrist became stuck in the flap, prompting Limbaugh to pull the 7"ft appliance down upon his frail anatomy.

Rush Limbaugh Eaten Alive by Crocodile

In a shocking development, American talk show host and right-wing political commentator Rush Limbaugh has been eaten alive by a savage crocodile in southern Florida. 

The incident occurred at around 9:45 Thursday, as Mr Limbaugh enjoyed a vacation in the Sunshine State, where locals witnessed a 12-foot Cuban crocodile devour the 60-year-old conservative radio mouthpiece. 

"It was one of the most horrible things I have ever seen," said Everglades resident, Josh Barton. "One minute I was lining up for an autograph when this huge croc came out of nowhere and violently began chewing on Rush's legs and face. The worst part was watching Mr Limbaugh get completely digested over the course of an hour." 

It took almost 45 minutes for crocodile handlers to arrive on the scene, by which time Mr Limbaugh was already 75% digested. 

"When we arrived there was nothing we could do for him," said professional handler, Micky Hagen. "In cases like this, the victim can quite often remain alive in the crocodile's stomach until slowly suffocating over time. It's quite possibly one of the worst ways to die." 

Meanwhile, conservative author and commentator Ann Coulter is being treated in hospital this morning after experiencing an allergic reaction to a bag of pistachio nuts.

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