Republican Whose Home Destroyed by Hurricane Sandy Reluctantly Accepts Government Handouts

STAMFORD, CT - In the aftermath of one of the worst storms to batter the East Coast of the United States in recorded history, a Republican man whose lakeside house was left with almost $1.7-million-worth of damage at the hands of Hurricane Sandy reluctantly accepted government handouts Tuesday, as FEMA moved to assist those in need.

Despite routinely criticizing the Obama Administration for its perceived expansion of entitlement programs, longtime GOP supporter, James Winkler of Stamford Connecticut, held his head in his hands today, and conceded: "okay, just this once."

"Even though I firmly believe it is inherently wrong for the people of this great nation to depend on government for any kind of benefit or financial relief," he said, "my home and everything that I hold dear has been taken away from me."

"That is why I will begrudgingly accept a little bit of help from FEMA. Just a little bit. One time only."

In an effort to be clear, the 57-year-old insisted, that just because he was willing to make an exception this time around, doesn't mean that his staunch opposition to programs such as social security, medicare and unemployment insurance would not "remain as strong as ever."

"Look, just because an exceptional circumstance has arisen, whereby I have ultimately been rendered penniless, does not mean that the people should have to become dependent on government."

"The government should rely on its people, not the other way around," he continued, staring defeated at his flooded house. "Only on occasions like this - when all is lost, when a person cannot help themselves - is it okay for government to intervene."

Meanwhile, it is understood that Mr. Winkler diffidently offered his gratitude to the government-employed firemen who rescued him from the second floor of his house late last night.

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Wiretap Program 'Proof That Government Listens to the People'

WASHINGTON - Countering suggestions that it is "out of touch" with the average American, the United States Government today declared that it always strives to listen to the voice of the people - citing its warrantless wiretap program as evidence.

Image credit: U.S. Federal Government. Public Domain.

Introduced by President Bush - who also used the controversial measures to "listen to the concerns of the nation" - the NSA Warrantless Surveillance Program has since been employed by the Obama administration in an effort to "let every voice be heard."

"We understand the importance of listening to public opinion on all of the big issues," said Defence Secretary Leon Panetta. "The rapid advance in surveillance technology over the past 10 years has made this a seamless task."

"For example, just last night I got to hear what Kevin and Denise Ross of Fort Wayne, Indiana thought about the President's healthcare reform bill. It's little interactions like these that really allow us to get to know the American people. And I mean really know them."

With over 1.9 trillion call-detail records stored in the National Security Agency's Database, the government says it has taken on board the opinions of virtually every U.S. citizen over the past three years alone.

"Only in a democratic society does the ruling government get to enjoy such a direct connection with the wider populace," said Vice President Joe Biden. "I know I enjoy it, anyway."

"Just hearing what the entire census of Tampa, Florida thinks about the national unemployment rate is extremely important to us."

"Especially in an election year," he chuckled.

Meanwhile, even though he is himself a major proponent of "listening to the will of the people," President Obama admitted Friday that, despite major advances in political outreach, he "cannot quite believe some of the banal shit some people talk about these days."

"I... I worry for the years ahead," he said in a brief statement.