Nation's Horses Demand Right to Marry Owners

LEXINGTON, KY - Following yesterday's landmark Supreme Court decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, the nation's horses demanded Thursday the right to marry their owners.

Marriage between members of the Equidae family and homosapiens is not currently recognized by any of the 50 states, though state senators in Alabama are thought to be moving forward with a proposal.

Amish Man Gets in Wreck, Totals Horse

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GOSHEN - A resident of the predominantly Amish town of Goshen is recovering this morning after getting into a wreck Thursday night, in which his horse Milton was left completely totaled. 29-year-old Isaac Hershberger says he is fortunate to escape with his life, after a Chevrolet Aveo cannoned into the side of his horse, which suffered extensive interior/exterior damage before being written off by appraisers early this morning. Meanwhile, eyewitness reports suggest that Mr Hershberger "may have been at fault" for the accident after it was noted that "oh my God, his left turn signal is out."

Olympics Security Downgraded to Single Horse

LONDON, UK - The British Home Office has revealed that, owing to a contractual oversight, the security force for the 2012 Olympics - which opens in London this Friday - has been downgraded to a single horse called Shadow.

It had initially been agreed between the London 2012 Organizing Committee and security firm G4S that over 10,000 guards would be provided for the duration of the Games. However, this figure was more than halved last week and today was reduced to a lone Andalusian mare.

"We were not aware of the extent to which these staffing problems had escalated," said the UK's Home Secretary, Theresa May. "We could have coped with maybe four-thousand or so guards, but today's news has the potential to present serious security concerns."

"That said, Shadow has quite a kick on her."

The horse will be singularly tasked with the job of remaining vigilant throughout the Games, which, in years past, has routinely been pinpointed as a potential target for terrorists.

Despite this, however, Shadow herself remains confident that the Olympics - which was awarded to London one day before the London bombings in 2005 - will be a huge success, insisting "neigh".

"... ", she continued, Monday.