Report: Hard To Tell If Brooklyn Battered By Hurricane

NEW YORK CITY, NY - According to hundreds of eye-witnesses in New York Monday, the borough of Brooklyn "may or may not" have been affected by the onslaught of Hurricane Sandy, with one onlooker insisting: "it's honestly hard to tell". Though it would appear that the area has been devastated by widespread flooding, people on the ground said that the destruction being seen in places such as Lower Manhattan was "perfectly normal" in places like Bushwick and Bed-Stuy. Surveying the perceived damage in Brownsville, Brooklyn, a confused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo reportedly turned to advisers and asked: "does Brooklyn always look this awful? Why haven't we done anything about this mess before now?"

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Brutal, Merciless Shooting Thankfully Not Linked to Terrorism

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NEW YORK, NY - A brutal shooting that left 2 people dead and several wounded outside the Empire State Building this morning is not believed to be linked to terrorism, say relieved news sources.

Even though 11 people were wounded, after the gunman killed a former co-worker with a gunshot to the head, it has been confirmed that no one in the vicinity - including  numerous lucky police officers, residents and tourists - was, at any point, terrorized by the perpetrator.

"The one redeeming factor in this appalling tragedy is that the suspect, Jeffrey Johnson, did not set out to frighten anyone or to spread fear across Manhattan," said New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg. "He just wanted to kill lots of people."

"We are just so thankful that all casualties will still be able to put this relatively easy-going incident behind them and feel safe to walk the streets of New York again."
 
Meanwhile, the New York Police Department has issued a statement advising anyone visiting the corner of Fifth Avenue and West 34th Street "not to be alarmed by the line of police tape surrounding the blood-stained sidewalk this morning."

"It's not anything to get upset about," said NYPD Commissioner, Raymond Kelly. "No bombs were set off. Just go and enjoy this lovely day in Manhattan."