Audrey Campos, 45, died January 6 in her Indianapolis home. Ms. Campos, known among her friends for her disdain of forwarded emails and viral Facebook posts, died when she suddenly became ill from a variety of deadly and fast-acting pathogens that had been drawn into the previously-cut onion that she sliced onto her lunch sandwich. The Marion County Coroner's office reports that her system was already severely weakened by poisoning from the chlorine in the baby-cut carrots she ate with her lunch, the formaldehyde in the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser she used to clean up her dishes, the lead in the lipstick she applied afterward, and the mercury from the single CFL lightbulb she dropped and cleaned up. Tragically, Ms. Campos had only narrowly escaped death earlier that day when a group of gang initiates threw eggs at her car windshield so they could rob and murder her. The miscreants' aim was poor, though, and the eggs only blocked her vision 78.3% rather than the potential 92.5%. She was therefore still able to see well enough to drive home. "It's a real tragedy," reported Ms. Campos' high school classmate and Facebook friend Carrie Walters. "If only she'd taken all my posts at face value like I do, instead of applying all that 'reasoning' and 'discernment' nonsense, she might still be alive."
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