Showing posts with label indianapolis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label indianapolis. Show all posts

Obituary - Henry Jacobs

Doug Powers | Tuesday, November 13, 2012 | | | | Best Blogger Tips
Henry D. Jacobs, 78, died November 10 at Community North Hospital after a protracted battle with lung cancer and emphysema. Jacobs, who spent his entire career as a plumber before retiring in 2004, is survived by his wife Martha Jacobs, two children--Lauren Jacobs-Lewis of Hattiesburg, VA and Raymond Jacobs of Memphis, TN--and seven grandchildren. Services are pending. A spokesperson from Citizens Energy, Andrew Bishop, issued a statement saying that speculation that Mr. Jacobs' death had anything to do with their utility would be premature. "We know a lot of people are looking our way after that unpleasant business on the south side," said Bishop. "But we at Citizens Energy want to remind all the people of the Greater Indianapolis area that people do die in this city for reasons that have nothing to do with us."

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Children's Museum Launches Terrifying 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' Exhibit

The Editor | Friday, October 26, 2012 | | | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - Ahead of its busy Halloween season this month, The Children's Museum of Indianapolis today piloted a terrifying exhibit in which children were subjected to re-enacted scenes from the movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Offering families a special $5 discount, museum officials said they hoped to put on "an extravaganza that kids could remember for years

Channel 13 News Hopes You Stay Safe, Unless Doing So Would Compromise Ratings

Laurence Brown | Tuesday, September 25, 2012 | | | | Best Blogger Tips

More Indiana News | More Indianapolis News

INDIANAPOLIS - Concluding his broadcast on the latest inner-city shooting Monday, Channel 13 Eyewitness News anchor John Stehr advised Indiana to stay safe, but only in the event that doing so would not compromise the station's ratings.

Pensively looking into the camera, the former CBS News correspondent said that Channel 13's "number one priority is making sure people are

Obituary - Allen Thomas

Doug Powers | Tuesday, September 18, 2012 | | | | Best Blogger Tips

Allen J. Thomas, 42, died September 16 along with two other people in a massive ten bicycle pileup in the newly-added bicycle lane along Lafayette Road south of 56th Street. The city of Indianapolis currently has 64 miles of bike lanes, with plans to stretch that number to 200 miles over the next several years. “These bicycle lanes are part of our effort to make cycling safer and more practical for the residents of Indianapolis,” reported Mayor Greg Ballard. Critics disagree. “With more and more people on bicycles,” said Richard Beltrane, spokesperson for local activist group Stop The Accident-prone Bike Lanes Everywhere (STABLE), “tragedies such as this one are inevitable. Not to mention bike jams, water bottle litter, noise pollution from rusty chains, and danger to pedestrians. And the chafing. Oh, the chafing! How many more people have to suffer and die before Indianapolis realizes that we should all be in nice, safe cars like before?”

Indianapolis Mayor Thinks A Bunch of Really Tall Skyscrapers Would Be Pretty Neat

The Editor | Monday, September 10, 2012 | | | | Best Blogger Tips

INDIANAPOLIS - Peering philosphically out of his city-council building office window Monday, Mayor of Indianapolis Greg Ballard thinks that a whole bunch of "really freaking tall" skyscrapers would be pretty neat right about now.

Even though his office remains devoid of the sort of budget that would fund such a project, Mr Ballard privately imagines what it would be like to replace Monument Circle with a record-breaking 3,000 ft structure he would affectionately name Ballard Tower.

"Wouldn't it be just marvelous if Indy had, like, five or six super tall skyscrapers?," he said with a knowing grin. "We could have a couple of Empire State Buildings overlooking White River, right next to Ballard Bridge and The Mayor Complex. My gosh, it would be totally sweet."

"Of course, it's just a fantasy of mine, but man, we'd make New York City look like Terra Haute."

Among many of Ballard's other far-reaching pipe dreams is the idea to expand the city's cultural district into a world famous and eye-catching city square with "lots of blinking neon billboards." 

Image credit: Raimond Spekking.

Adorable Indianapolis Desperately Trying to Convince Nation It a Major City

Laurence Brown | Saturday, February 04, 2012 | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - As the Super Bowl nears its conclusion, the quite adorable city of Indianapolis is still desperately trying to convince the rest of the country that it is a major metropolis.

Pulling in thousands of football fans from the east coast, the cute little city has seen huge crowds in the city center over the last two weeks, something that city officials are reluctant to admit is actually something of a rarity.

"This is a great city and we're very proud of where we're headed," said Mayor Greg Ballard, failing to acknowledge the usually quaint, if unremarkable personality of down town Indianapolis. "As you can see, everyone's just having a great time."

As the city's Super Bowl Village illuminates an ordinarily low key area of Indianapolis, the nation's media continues to capture deceptively flattering images of the city, with shots of pyrotechnics, vast crowds and talented street performers artfully making the city look more like Las Vegas than the drab capital city of Indiana.

"Indianapolis is a truly breathtaking city," lied CNN news anchor Alicia Gaines. "And they're all set to show the rest of the world how to host the Super Bowl."  

Image credit: fair use.

City of Indianapolis Honestly Thinking of Just Calling Off this Whole Stupid Super Bowl Thing

Laurence Brown | Tuesday, January 31, 2012 | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - Following a brief outburst Monday, the city of Indianapolis said it is truly considering just "cancelling the whole damn Super Bowl", insisting that "the entire stupid thing is just so much hassle to organize?"

Speaking to Channel 6 News late Monday evening, Indianapolis, which has been inundated with thousands of tourists, Super Bowl themed events and parking lot price hikes, declared that it has "just had enough already."

"I swear, if somebody doesn't do something about the Goddamn traffic, I'm calling the whole thing off," said Indianapolis from downtown Indianapolis. "I mean, really? Why does it take forty years to drive into the city? And the Super Bowl hasn't even kicked off yet."

In a message that seemed to indicate it was starting to come to its senses, however, Indianapolis was later heard telling the nearby city of Carmel that "the Super Bowl Village is actually kinda neat, so we'll see."

Image credit: Public domain.

It Suddenly Hits Mayor That Indianapolis About to Host the Freaking Super Bowl

Laurence Brown | Thursday, January 26, 2012 | | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - Mayor of Indianapolis, Greg Ballard, has admitted that his city's hosting of the 46th annual Super Bowl is really starting to hit home, insisting "it's actually about to freaking happen! Christ, I can't believe this."

Until now, the mayor has kept a relatively low profile as the city of Indianapolis prepares to host the Super Bowl for the first time in NFL history.

However, gazing out of his office window at the City-Council Building Wednesday, Ballard is said to have jumped up and down like a 6-year-old kid on Christmas morning, after witnessing enthusiastic crowds gathering in Super Bowl Village.

"Holy fucking shit, the Super Bowl is coming to Indy in 10 days!," Ballard is quoted as saying. "I just... I can't believe it's fucking happening. I get to be on TV and everything!"

Meanwhile, Ballard, who was instrumental in bringing the event to Indianapolis, says he "cannot believe how quickly it's come round and, oh man, I'm totally fucking pumped for this."

Image credit: Fair use.

Super Bowl XLVI Set to Transform Indianapolis into One of Nation's Top Terrorist Attractions

Laurence Brown | Friday, January 06, 2012 | | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - If past NFL showpieces are anything to go by, Superbowl XLVI could have a knock-on effect that will see the host city of Indianapolis temporarily become one of America's most sought after terrorist attractions.

The Super Bowl, which is thought to attract dozens of terrorists each year, will take place in Indiana's capital for the first time since the competition began in 1967 - a landmark event that is likely to draw in terrorists from all across the country.

"Indiana hasn't ever really been what you'd call a terrorist hotspot," said Super Bowl volunteer, Brett Kinney. "But I think the city has done a fine job of preparing itself for the large terrorism boom we all expect to see. You just gotta take a look at all the new fancy hotels and roadsides we got going on here. It's a terrorist's dream."

Indianapolis officials said the city will be ready ahead of time, anticipating an early influx of terrorists, who typically come a few days in advance to "check out all the discrete locations" in and around the stadium.  

Meanwhile, some Hoosiers fear that the Super Bowl could have a detrimental effect on the city of Indianapolis, with many concerned that the downtown area could become something of a terrorist trap during Super Bowl Sunday.

 Image credit: Fair use.

Indianapolis Convention and Visitors Association Video Ties Indianapolis Colts

Chip Randell | Friday, December 16, 2011 | | | Best Blogger Tips

A music video that was produced by the Indianapolis Convention and Visitors Association, lost on Tuesday, November 29, officially tying the Indianapolis Colts' current season record of no wins, all losses. The video, entitled "Indy Super Bowl Shuffle," parodies a nearly thirty year-old music video and song by the Chicago Bears, and features a cast of local hotel employees lip-syncing and dancing in an attempt to depict Indianapolis as a "fun," "cosmopolitan," and "world-class" destination.

The passionately scorned video premiered on Youtube late in the afternoon, and was removed by its creators at 9:30pm that same evening, which is roughly the amount of time it has taken the Indianapolis Colts to lose each of their games this season.

"Everyone in the Indianapolis Shufflin’ Crew was confident the video would serve as both a rallying cry for Indianapolis tourism and our team," said Rob Jefferson, spokesperson for the ICVA. "Given our city's current reputation and the Colt's losing streak, the stakes were very high, so we took inspiration from an episode of 'Growing Pains,’ which is a show we agreed we all love and kind of remember. We thought about that one time Alan Thicke’s character faced a similar challenge, and just went for it.”

ICVA officials cited a flurry of online responses marked by near-psychotic levels contempt and ridicule as its reason for removing the video. Such responses, which characterized the video as "sloppy," "hopelessly amateur," "pathetic," and an "irrecoverable blemish on any semblance of a reputation beyond a troglodytic backwater Indianapolis would aspire to have," bore a striking resemblance to general consensus on the Colt's season-long performance this season.

“Unfortunately, now we, and by extension every single person who lives, has lived, or visited Indianapolis looks more like the Boner from that one episode of ‘Growing Pains,’” added Jefferson. “Or like the Colts. We probably should have gone with our runner-up idea."

The runner-up idea in question was "Like a Superbowl Virgin," a parody of the song "Like a Virgin" by Madonna, who is slated to perform at the half-time show of the 2012 Super Bowl. Officials with the ICVA had gone as far as to volunteer Westin Director of Housekeeping Operations Gwen Carbingle, 61, to portray the Madonna in the video. “If you see Gwen,” said Jefferson, “you’d know she’s a real ‘Material Girl.’”

However, the idea was ultimately rejected on the grounds of being "too soon."

Image credit: fair use.

Indiana Native Kevin J. Thornton Talks About Gay Rights, Touring and His Hit Show

The Editor | Wednesday, October 26, 2011 | | | | Best Blogger Tips

Last night, The Indy Tribune (TIT) caught up with comedian, singer-songwriter and all-round entertainer Kevin J. Thornton, who has been busy touring the country with his stand-up show I Love You (We're Fucked) throughout 2011. This week, Kevin hits Bloomington, before returning for a gig in Indianapolis on November 5th!

TIT: Welcome Kevin; glad you were able to find the time to sit down with us in between shows. How is the tour going?

KJT: I'm so ready for this year to be over; my ass is so worn out! (Laughs). It's been an amazing year for me, but I started this tour in January and my last show is November 17th. I literally have not stopped in 10 months!

TIT: Yes, I saw from your website that you've been a busy bee. I was lucky enough to see your hit show I Love You (We’re Fucked) at this year’s IndyFringe Festival. I get the feeling you rather like Fringe theatre, am I right?

KJT: I do love it. I did 10 fringe fests this year. It's kind of a dream come true for me; it allows me to go to a town where I might not really have a following yet and draw on an existing crowd. And thanks for saying my show was a "hit". Please keep up that sort of language.

TIT: It was five-star brilliance! I was sitting on the front row at ComedySportz. Now, your act doesn’t just consist of stand-up comedy, does it?

KJT: No, sir. It's truly a hybrid of concert, stand-up and storytelling. Although, I want to find a different word besides "storytelling", because I think, for some, that sounds like a librarian with a sock puppet or something.

TIT: Yes, and I wouldn't quite say you fit such a description. Now, in I Love You (We’re Fucked) you opened up about your childhood - growing up gay in conservative southern Indiana. How do you think this has effected your world view and what lasting effect did it have on Kevin J Thornton the performer?

KJT: Well, I think first and foremost it taught me not to give a fuck. But that was no easy lesson to learn. It took many years. But now that's pretty instilled in me. I think for some, that lesson might translate into bitterness (which a lot of comics embody) but for me I think it translated into bravery. And hopefully hilarity.

TIT: I certainly drew both of those characteristics from your show.

KJT: My hit show?

TIT: Sorry, yes. Your mesmerizingly dazzling wonder of a hit show!

KJT: Right.

TIT: Now earlier this year, the state of Indiana passed legislation banning same-sex marriages: will Indiana ever emerge from the Victorian age?

KJT: Oh yeah, for sure. But there's going to be this tipping point; the more conservative states will hold out until the bitter end, then there will be a landslide - pretty much like every other social issue.

TIT: So kind of like a Civil Rights Movement for the 21st century?

KJT: Hell, I don't know really. I'd like to think so, but sometimes my faith in humanity is really thin. I'm really afraid that in 2012 we are going to go into a really intense phase of neoconservatism as the sea of hillbillies lash out against the Obama administration.

TIT: If so, I'm moving home to England! I've already reserved the flights. Now, let’s talk a little more about your tour. You have a show this Thursday at Rachael’s Cafe in Bloomington, IN. Where do we sign up?

KJT: Yes, yes! Well, there are tickets available online on my website, but at the door is fine too.

TIT: Excellent! And how can people keep up-to-date with all your upcoming soon-to-be hit shows?

KJT: I'm a social media whore. Actually, I just gave a lecture on social media at Berkley in San Fransisco! But my website is a good place to start - http://www.kevinjthornton.com.

TIT: How about an exclusive “blood story” for our readers?

KJT: (Laughs). That's always the part everyone remembers (from my shows). On a couple of occasions, I've had complete strangers sing the theme song to me on the street. Would it be a mistake to do that section at Rachael's Cafe if people are eating? (Laughs).

TIT: Depends on the story, I guess. And the food.

KJT: Right, right... I'll have to stay really tuned in.

TIT: Okay, well I understand if you want to save your "blood stories" for the show. Final question: do you have any questions for us?

KJT: Yes, yes I do: I've been sleep walking lately. Why do you think that is?

TIT: Hmm, let me just consult Wikipedia... it says here that Kevin J Thornton has been such a hit on the comedy circuit that he has forgotten to hit something else... the sack! Other reports suggest that he might be a Zombie!

KJT: That's probably the truth, except for the zombie part.

TIT: And on that note, Kevin, you are free to leave.

KJT: Great! Thanks!


Image credit: Zoia Wiseman.

Mayor Ballard Quietly Abandons Photo Op with Colts Quarterback Kerry Collins

Patrick McCarney | Friday, October 21, 2011 | | | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - An anonymous source close to the office of Indianapolis Mayor Greg Ballard has revealed that due to recent events, a planned public appearance with Indianapolis Colts inactive quarterback Kerry Collins has been postponed indefinitely.

“At the beginning of the season, it seemed right to schedule a photo op with the new face of the team,” the source said. “Now, not so much. I think the Mayor became worried that given the current popularity of the Colts, being seen with the least-respected player on the team might actually harm his chances.”

Collins was a pre-season pickup for the Colts to replace the injured Peyton Manning. After playing three games, Collins was injured in the Week 3 loss to the Houston Texans and placed on the inactive list.

When asked for an official comment, Ballard’s Chief-of-Staff Chris Cotterill would not confirm or deny the report.

“Obviously the Mayor is a huge Colts fan, and like all of us he was disappointed by Collins’s performance,” he said. “If there was a planned appearance, obviously the Mayor wouldn’t cancel it just because of his personal feelings or just because Collins had those three fumbles in his three starts. Whether or not Kerry Collins is an absolutely terrible quarterback is not a factor in any of the Mayor’s scheduling considerations.”

However, according to the anonymous source, that is exactly what happened.

“Yeah, he hates Kerry Collins,” she said. “No question. I mean, how can we go from Peyton Manning to that?”

The source went on to say that Ballard will seek to schedule an appearance with a more high-profile player in the coming weeks.

“I think he’s hoping to get a photo op with someone who really captures the spirit of the team and of the city. Maybe someone like Pat McAfee.”

McAfee is the Colts punter and current favorite for team MVP.

Anxious Melina Kennedy Tells Reclusive Nut Jobs: 'I'm Not Related to that Other Family'

The Editor | Wednesday, October 19, 2011 | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - Campaigning on the southside of Indianapolis this past weekend, the Democratic candidate in Indy's mayoral elections Melina Kennedy today anxiously reached out to the city's reclusive nut jobs, insisting: "I'm no relation."

"I just wanted to clarify this, before the whole election process starts to really heat up," she said. "I am in no way connected to that other family - that one with the same last name. Nuh-uh. No, sir. I just thought it was important to tell you that."

Running as a progressive democrat against the highly-favored conservative opponent, Mrs. Kennedy told members of the press that as mayor she would increase jobs, reform education and ensure that she makes it through at least one term without enduring an attempt on her life.

"It is important for the people of this city that we embrace change," she continued. "However, it is just as important to me that I don't get whacked in the process. Again, those other Kennedys - no relation whatsoever. I've never even met one."

As voters go to the polls on November 8, Mrs Kennedy's campaign team has announced that, should she win the election, party celebrations will be confined to the nominee's basement with only the most trusted friends invited.

Peyton Manning: 'Screw It, I'm Playing'

Laurence Brown | Monday, October 17, 2011 | | | | | Best Blogger Tips

INDIANAPOLIS - Following the Colts' sixth straight defeat of the season to the Cincinnati Bengals this past Sunday, star quarterback Peyton Manning has told fans: "screw this neck brace, I'm ready to play some football."

Manning, who recently underwent neck surgery for a 5-month-old injury, was forced to endure the 27-17 loss from the stands. After the fourth-quarter, Manning boldly insisted: "I just can't take it any more."

"I don't care what the doctor says," said the 35-year-old. "As soon as week seven hits, I'm getting back on that field and I'm getting it done myself!"

To the bewilderment of other members of the Colts' roster, Manning entered the locker room following Sunday's defeat and declared: "All right, guys! New target date for my return: October 23rd. This Sunday. Against The Saints. Enough is enough."

Despite numerous objections from team members and his family, a pumped up Manning insisted that “even an injured Peyton Manning is a game-changer. I’m not going to wither away in the stands while everyone else drops the ball.”

"Look, guys; the way I see it, we've lost six in a row this season. This would never have happened if I'd been on the field this whole time. You know it, and I know it.”

Though the NFL has strict rules against players taking the field in a semi-crippled condition, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suggested that there may be some wiggle room on the issue.

“Of course our number one priority is player safety. Period.” He said. “But our number two priority is revenue stream. No one is watching the game in our 2012 Superbowl City, and we can’t have that.”

A determined Manning reported for training on Monday, where he signed autographs for hundreds of newly inspired fans. When asked whether or not he would actually play Manning, Head Coach Jim Caldwell responded meekly, “Well, it is Peyton. I’m only his coach. This one is out of my hands.”

Crash Kills IndyCar Racer, Leaves Car in Critical Condition

Laurence Brown | Monday, October 17, 2011 | | | | | Best Blogger Tips

LAS VEGAS - The world of racing is left to reflect after a multiple-car crash in Las Vegas killed famed driver Dan Wheldon and left his racing vehicle in a "serious condition." 

The accident involved 15 other drivers, whose vehicles are said to be in stable conditions. 

Former 2-time Indy 500 winner Wheldon was later pronounced dead in hospital, while his racing car is fighting for its life after suffering multiple injuries, including 3 ruptured tires, a dislocated steering wheel and a damaged suspension. IndyCar servicemen have transported it to an engineering plant, where its progress is "being monitored". 

"The car is undergoing intensive treatment at this time", said mechanic David Ward. "We are preparing to perform a battery transplant as well as a crucial operation on its engine to reduce internal petrol loss". 

Members of the Bryan Herta Autosport team, to whom Wheldon was signed, have chosen to stay by the vehicle's side, while the team's distraught sponsors have been told to prepare for the possibility that the car may never fully recover from its horrific injuries. 


In the event of its death, the car is expected to be buried at a local scrap yard before returning to life 2 years later in the form of a BMW 760li.


Image credit: fair use.

Man Forced to Name Son Spiderman After Facebook Fan Page Reaches 1,000,000 Members

Laurence Brown | Saturday, October 15, 2011 | | | | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - A local Facebook user is cursing his luck after his Facebook fan page - 'If 1,000,000 people join I'll name my kid Spiderman' - today reached 1,000,000 members.

Justin Kowalski of Indianapolis says he initially set up the group as a joke, never expecting more than 50 people to show any interest in it. But within a week of its inception, the group had garnered 150,000 members, and its small mention in the Indianapolis Star propelled its membership to as high as 600,000 just days later.

"I could not believe it", said Kowalski. "Here I was thinking no one but my friends would even notice the damn thing, when all of a sudden three quarters of a million people had liked the page. I soon realized I was probably going to have to follow through with my promise".

Kowalski's wife Molly is said to be furious at her husband, not least because she had always planned to name their son after her late father Eric, a man she held very dear.

"My father meant so much to me", she said. "This was supposed to be a way of carrying on his legacy. Now we have no choice but to name our son after a stupid comic book character".

Since receiving word that his fan page had broken the 1 million barrier, Kowalski has 'pleaded' with members to forget they ever joined the page and to let him call the baby something else.

"It's pretty hard to convince some of my most loyal followers", he said. "Perhaps they'll let me get away with using Spiderman as his middle name instead".

This is not the first time a Facebook user has tried to achieve such a feat: in 2007, a British man placed a bet that he could find 1 million people who would disapprove of 'I-Bet-I-Can-Find-1,000,000-People-Who' type fan pages, while one desperate woman's assertion that she could find 1 million men 'who'd like to screw her' backfired when even her boyfriend at the time refused to join the group.

Image credit: composite from creative commons.

Guy Who Otherwise Wouldn't Give Two Shits About You Would Like to Know How that Food is Tasting

Laurence Brown | Thursday, September 01, 2011 | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - Despite not really giving a flying fuck about you or your shitty feelings, Applebee's server and part time student Josh Penticuff would really like to know how those chicken dippers are working out for you today.

Penticuff, who has never made your acquaintance before and has absolutely no intention of doing so in the future, thinks you're probably a total fucking jackass but is willing, nonetheless, to go out of his way to bring you some blue ranch with that.

"All right!" smiles the enthusiastic 24-year-old, while thinking about what an obnoxious douchebag you probably are. "Here's a refill on that water. Can I get you anything else?"

Secretly bitter about having to wait on the likes of you all day, Penticuff still stops by your table no fewer than five times to see how everything's tasting and to see whether you'd like to try one of Applebee's special margaritas.

"Only $3.29!" He enthusiastically, if insincerely, continues. "No? Okay. Would you like to take a look at our dessert menu?"

Even though he couldn't give two shits about your welfare and possesses no desire to see you ever again, he truly hopes that you come back again soon.

Museum to Open for Just 5 Minutes a Week

Laurence Brown | Tuesday, June 21, 2011 | | | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - The Indianapolis Museum of Art (IMA) has announced plans to scale back its opening times, insisting that from August 1st it will only open to the public 5 minutes a week.

According to museum CEO Maxwell L. Anderson, the rescheduling is a "necessary step during these trying economic times."

"It will just mean that our customer base will have to make multiple visits to the museum each year," he said. "And while we do encourage people to spend three of their five minutes walking around our wonderful gift shop, the museum itself is still free to enter. But seriously, for $20, you can't go wrong with one of our new Andy Warhol dolls. They're super awesome."

The announcement comes just two months after the museum unveiled proposals to shut down its premises on weekends.

Image credit: author's own image.