FBI Agent Believes Mary Kennedy 'May Have Acted Alone'

WESTCHESTER, NY - Despite inevitable conspiracy theories to the contrary, an FBI agent heading up a preliminary investigation into the apparent suicide of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s estranged wife Mary Kennedy believes that Mrs Kennedy may have acted alone.

Federal agent Curtis Howard believes that Mary Kennedy was solely responsible - with no accomplices - for the death Wednesday night of Mary Kennedy, who was found hanged in a barn outside of a house belonging to her ex-husband.

"The rope we found Mrs Kennedy hanging from is consistent with similar cases in which the victim herself plotted and carried out the conspiracy. We are ruling out a second person at this time."

Agent Howard points to Mrs Kennedy's behavior in the days leading up to her death, charging that the troubled green campaigner had supplied alcohol and drug concoctions to herself, in an effort to combat depression.

"There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she was the lone assailant," he continued. "Forensics are going to determine the validity of the suicide note found at the scene, which was signed by Mrs Kennedy herself. Again, we think beyond reasonable doubt that Mary Kennedy was responsible for killing Mary Kennedy."

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists insist that Mrs Kennedy was in fact murdered by elements within the CIA, who it is believed "haven't knocked off a Kennedy in years."

Male Applicant Preferred Over Highly Qualified Female Applicant

INDIANAPOLIS - In what many are viewing as a clear case of gender discrimination today, a reliable but fairly under skilled male applicant was preferred over his highly qualified female counterpart.

Gregory Ballard, a 56-year-old man from Indianapolis, was kept on as the city's mayor this evening, even though his resume was "sort of put together at the last minute" and was "considerably under par" when compared with that of rival applicant - 42-year-old Melina Kennedy, also from Indianapolis.

Mr Ballard, who successfully applied for the job in 2007, was forced to undergo a reapplication process this past month due to City-County accountability protocol.

Sources close to Ballard's employer, who goes by name of "Marion County electorate", insist that the father of two was only hired on ahead of Mrs Kennedy because he identifies as male.

"Let me ask you this," said professor Rachael Connors of Indiana University. "How many women have been employed as Mayor of Indianapolis? I'll tell you: none. In over 150 years, only men have been hired for this position. There's your proof."

However, in a statement released this evening, the Marion County Electorate defended its decision, saying: "Gregory is a committed professional with whom we have enjoyed working these past 4 years. We have a policy in Indianapolis of employing from within and so it was not a difficult decision to re-appoint Gregory to the position."

Image credit: creative commons.

Anxious Melina Kennedy Tells Reclusive Nut Jobs: 'I'm Not Related to that Other Family'

INDIANAPOLIS - Campaigning on the southside of Indianapolis this past weekend, the Democratic candidate in Indy's mayoral elections Melina Kennedy today anxiously reached out to the city's reclusive nut jobs, insisting: "I'm no relation."

"I just wanted to clarify this, before the whole election process starts to really heat up," she said. "I am in no way connected to that other family - that one with the same last name. Nuh-uh. No, sir. I just thought it was important to tell you that."

Running as a progressive democrat against the highly-favored conservative opponent, Mrs. Kennedy told members of the press that as mayor she would increase jobs, reform education and ensure that she makes it through at least one term without enduring an attempt on her life.

"It is important for the people of this city that we embrace change," she continued. "However, it is just as important to me that I don't get whacked in the process. Again, those other Kennedys - no relation whatsoever. I've never even met one."

As voters go to the polls on November 8, Mrs Kennedy's campaign team has announced that, should she win the election, party celebrations will be confined to the nominee's basement with only the most trusted friends invited.