Nation's Horses Demand Right to Marry Owners

LEXINGTON, KY - Following yesterday's landmark Supreme Court decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, the nation's horses demanded Thursday the right to marry their owners.

Marriage between members of the Equidae family and homosapiens is not currently recognized by any of the 50 states, though state senators in Alabama are thought to be moving forward with a proposal.

Obama Accused of Lip Syncing Throughout State Of the Union Address

WASHINGTON D.C. - Less than a month after singer Beyonce received similar criticism following her pre-recorded rendition of the national anthem at President Obama's inauguration, Obama today came under fire after it was alleged that he himself lip synced last night's State Of The Union address.

Common Sense Files to Secede from The Union

WASHINGTON D.C. - Following a number of high profile lapses in ordinary, rational behavior across the country in recent months, common sense put forward a petition Friday to secede from the United States.

Filing its petition on the White House's website today, common sense - an often complex and misunderstood compound noun - is seeking to gain the 25,000 signatures required to force the president to pass judgement on the motion.

Speaking on a rare visit to Washington D.C. Friday, common sense insisted that it "could no longer live in a country where it had become marginalized by the ruling class of ignorance and baseless claims. I hereby follow the action taken by my close ally, civil conversation, and make a motion to secede from the United States of America."

So far, almost half of the 30,000 remaining U.S. citizens who routinely employ common sense have signed the petition, which mandates that a break-away nation called "Commonsensical Island" will be formed to outlaw, among other things, extremely misguided political viewpoints, racially motivated tweets and possibly even Twitter itself.

"I can no longer be a part of a nation, where a presidential candidate, who openly marginalizes 47% of the population, comes within a hair of taking the popular vote," continued common sense. "Nor can I remain faithful to this nation's constitution, every amendment of which is routinely held to wild misinterpretation, selective usage and willful violation."

"It has not been a decision I have taken lightly. But after hearing post-election sentiments predicting a second American Civil War, the rise of a so-called "communist dictatorship", and the supposed darkest chapter in American history, I have been left with no choice.

According to historians, this marks the seventeenth recorded case in which common sense has attempted to separate from the U.S., with its most high profile cases coming at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, as well as during the eight-year presidency of George W. Bush. 

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NPR Coverage of Petraeus Affair Interrupted by Annoying, Irrelevant Report on Syria Slaughter

WASHINGTON D.C. - National Public Radio came under attack from various sections of the mainstream media Tuesday, after its scheduled coverage of the ongoing General David Petreaus affair was bizarrely interrupted by an in-depth report on the most recent and non-news-worthy slaughter in Syria.

Insisting that NPR "ignored its duty to prioritize information that was very much in the public interest", a spokesperson for CNN said that "it was extremely irresponsible (of NPR) to give violence in Damascus such overwhelming attention at the expense of letting the American people know how one of our most decorated generals cheated on his wife of 38 years."

"NPR really dropped the ball on this one," continued the spokesperson. "What is news-journalism coming to when filler material about 350 dead non-Americans is scheduled ahead of investigative reports into the life and background of Petraeus' mistress, Paula Broadwell?"

"The American public have a right to know about these things."

Airing a pointless, 15-minute critique of the al-Asaad regime, after only a cursory look into General Petraeus' subsequent feelings of guilt and regret, National Public Radio, says Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, "compromised 42 years of integrity."

"Folks, this is what your tax dollars are being spent on: lazy, dumbed-down reporting that masquerades as news," said Smith. "The American people don't need to be bombarded with images of devastated city squares, or Syria's fatality statistics. Especially when we're just now getting word that FBI agents have entered Miss Broadwell's home. You heard me right, folks: they have entered Miss Broadwell's home."      

Responding to the controversy, meanwhile, NPR officials drew further ire this afternoon when it was announced that crucial statements set to be given by Petraeus' wife, Holly, Wednesday would follow an hour-long report into the "uninspiring and outdated" topic of climate change.         

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Mittromney.com Sells for $0.49

WASHINGTON D.C. - After a long election season, which culminated in an eventual landslide electoral defeat for Republican presidential challenger Mitt Romney, the domain name for the former Massachusetts governor's campaign was sold today for $0.49.

Even though mittromney.com had been valued at approximately $2.5m just days after the Republican National Convention in August, the official homepage and all related pages were significantly devalued Wednesday after it became apparent that President Obama had soared to an election victory.

Election aficionado James Tomlinson of Boise, Idaho is reported to have had an initial bid of $0.38 rejected by the hosting service Godaddy.com, who valued the domain at around $0.50, citing its "somewhat historical worth."

Tomlinson, who purports to own a "basement-full" of election memorabilia dating back to John F. Kennedy's successful campaign in 1960, is also the official domain holder for johnmccain.com and michaeldukakis88.com.

"I just love all of that stuff," said the 54-year-old, navigating his latest acquisition. "Elections represent such historic and memorable times in our lives, and, even though Mr. Romney's campaign will soon be utterly forgotten by the majority of Americans, this (mittromney.com) is no exception."

Meanwhile, in an effort to ensure the historical significance of the domain, Tomlinson has vowed to leave the website just the way it was on the morning of November 7.

"There's just something so very sad about the way it was left," continued Tomlinson. "The final post simply reads: "we're at almost 12,000,000 likes on Facebook. Join our community and connect with Mitt."  

 

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Nation Subjects Obama to Another 4 Years

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a tight election contest, President Obama was officially subjected to another 4 years in office by a sadistic American electorate Tuesday.

Mr. Obama, who has endured relentless and regularly unfounded attacks from the Republican Party in his first year, will be forced to work in the same, thankless position until 2016, in which he is expected to suffer the vitriolic abuse of the GOP, following the expansion of Obamacare, immigtration reform, and gay rights.

"Thank you to everyone who got out there and voted," said the President-elect, from his victory speech platform in Chicago, Illinois. "Unfortunately we didn't quite make it. That's right: the majority voted for my re-election."

The Obama campaign issued a statment Wednesday, conceding that Republican rival Mitt Romney had "fought a good fight" and that he had successfully fated Obama to 4 more years in Washington D.C.

"We extend our congratulations to Governor Romney," said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe. "His defeat tonight confirms the unthinkable: that President Obama must go through another four years of this shit. We remain gracious in victory."

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Latest Jobs Report Shows Only Four Americans Were Employed During October

WASHINGTON - In a bleak assessment of our economic times, the latest jobs report released by the Labor Department has found that only four people in the entire country actually had a job during the month of October.

The figure fell considerably below expectations, which posited that the number of employed people would rise by around 130,000.

According to the figures, the unemployment rate slumped to its lowest standing since records began, with estimates declaring that 99.99999994% of Americans were without a job for the 31-day duration of October.

Various reasons have been cited for the sharp downturn, while many believe that Fall illnesses, Halloween, and Hurricane Sandy caused millions of Americans to unexpectedly leave their jobs.

Back on the campaign trail following the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, President Barack Obama made clear his despair at the latest figures, insisting: "Wow, this is... this is very, very embarrassing."

"Apparently, not even I did any work last month," he said, looking at the report. "I guess campaigning isn't technically classed as employment. My fellow Americans, I unreservedly apologize. These figures are just not good enough."

The report found that the entire sum of all American productivity was comprised only of work carried out by New York MD, Dennis Hughes, Oregon librarian Mary Cartwright, Indiana farmer Bill Tuffnell and Oklahoma mechanic, David Castleton.

However, further studies have found that Mr. Castleton was laid off toward the end of the month, and has since applied for unemployment insurance.

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Republican Whose Home Destroyed by Hurricane Sandy Reluctantly Accepts Government Handouts

STAMFORD, CT - In the aftermath of one of the worst storms to batter the East Coast of the United States in recorded history, a Republican man whose lakeside house was left with almost $1.7-million-worth of damage at the hands of Hurricane Sandy reluctantly accepted government handouts Tuesday, as FEMA moved to assist those in need.

Despite routinely criticizing the Obama Administration for its perceived expansion of entitlement programs, longtime GOP supporter, James Winkler of Stamford Connecticut, held his head in his hands today, and conceded: "okay, just this once."

"Even though I firmly believe it is inherently wrong for the people of this great nation to depend on government for any kind of benefit or financial relief," he said, "my home and everything that I hold dear has been taken away from me."

"That is why I will begrudgingly accept a little bit of help from FEMA. Just a little bit. One time only."

In an effort to be clear, the 57-year-old insisted, that just because he was willing to make an exception this time around, doesn't mean that his staunch opposition to programs such as social security, medicare and unemployment insurance would not "remain as strong as ever."

"Look, just because an exceptional circumstance has arisen, whereby I have ultimately been rendered penniless, does not mean that the people should have to become dependent on government."

"The government should rely on its people, not the other way around," he continued, staring defeated at his flooded house. "Only on occasions like this - when all is lost, when a person cannot help themselves - is it okay for government to intervene."

Meanwhile, it is understood that Mr. Winkler diffidently offered his gratitude to the government-employed firemen who rescued him from the second floor of his house late last night.

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Report: Hard To Tell If Brooklyn Battered By Hurricane

NEW YORK CITY, NY - According to hundreds of eye-witnesses in New York Monday, the borough of Brooklyn "may or may not" have been affected by the onslaught of Hurricane Sandy, with one onlooker insisting: "it's honestly hard to tell". Though it would appear that the area has been devastated by widespread flooding, people on the ground said that the destruction being seen in places such as Lower Manhattan was "perfectly normal" in places like Bushwick and Bed-Stuy. Surveying the perceived damage in Brownsville, Brooklyn, a confused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo reportedly turned to advisers and asked: "does Brooklyn always look this awful? Why haven't we done anything about this mess before now?"

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Fewer Trick-Or-Treaters Than 20 Years Ago, Lament Nation's Pedophiles

INDIANAPOLIS - Ahead of this year's Halloween, the nation's pedophiles lamented Monday the relatively low number of children seen trick-or-treating on the streets in recent years.

Recalling a time when groups of young children would freely mobilize between houses in search of candy, sex offenders from across the country laid blame on the media and its "whirlwind of paranoia" for the apparent decline in trick-or-treaters.

"Halloween is not what it was in the early Nineties," the pedophile community agreed today. "I remember back then, parents were not afraid to let their kids roam the streets as they are today."

"From about 1994 onward, Halloween has just deteriorated into a pathetic excuse of a holiday," the collective continued. "It is truly sad how the mainstream media has sensationalized and over-exaggerated the threat posed to children, all in the interest of ratings."

Bizarrely, the widespread discontent among pedophiles was shared this afternoon by the nation's parents, who declared that trick-or-treating "was all the rage back when we ourselves were little".

"It's such a shame that it has come to this," agreed both the nation's parents and sex offenders later this evening.     

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Romney: 'As President, I Will Put a Man On Mars By 2014'

WASHINGTON D.C. - In an effort to bolster support for his campaign ahead of next month's presidential election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has vowed to put a man on the surface of Mars by the year 2014.

Speaking at a post debate rally in Mount Vernon, Ohio Tuesday, Mr. Romney insisted that funding a dangerous manned mission to the Red Planet would become the number one issue on his agenda from day one.

"I want to see an America where the people can feel inspired again; I want to see an America that thrives on innovation, on ingenuity," said the former Massachusetts governor. "That is why I stand before you today, and promise to send a man - possibly more than one - to the northern hemisphere of Mars two years from today."

Mr. Romney was quick to attack President Obama's record on Mars, insisting that a proposed mission to the planet in the year 2033 was "too long for the American people to wait."

"The current administration seems to think we should wait another 25 years, and waste time and resources on rock sample projects," he continued. "This is unacceptable. We need to land on Mars now. And by the way, I'm not talking about sending another robot, or a space observatory. Listen to these words again: I'm going to send a living, breathing man."    

Meanwhile, Mr. Romney's proclamation is thought to have placed a serious dent on his popularity among the 18-92 female demographic.

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Ageing Jimmy Carter Accidentally Endorses Mitt Romney for President

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a televised address before the press corps Saturday, ageing former Democratic  president Jimmy Carter accidentally endorsed Mitt Romney for the presidency, insisting: "Romney is a progressive thinker and he's gonna do a whole bunch of good for America."

Appearing to slur his words as he spoke to various members of the press, the 88-year-old left-leaning goodwill ambassador declared that Romney "is the only guy who can get the job done (inaudible)... it's going to be really exciting to see him win."

"He's the real deal," he continued.

Carter's endorsement comes as a bitter blow for incumbent president, Barack Obama, who is believed to consider former President Carter as a relatively close ally in Washington. Speaking at a campaign stop in northern Virginia, the president expressed disappointment at the news.

"I am surprised that President Carter has opted to endorse my opponent, Governor Romney," he said. "I can only hope that he was just having one of his bad days and that he'll retract his statement after the weekend. We'll have to wait and see."

Carter's surprise announcement comes almost 20 years to the day after former president, Ronald Reagan, opted to endorse Thomas Jefferson in the 1992 presidential election.

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Arizona Legislators to Outlaw Baby Wrestling

Arizona legislators are introducing a bill to stop the little known practice called “baby wrestling.” The practice has been described by some as “the new dog fighting,” with participants making tens of thousands of dollars in the betting process. Babies are made to wrestle each other to the death and in some videos babies are even seen wrestling live snakes. The videos have sparked outrage in communities across Arizona.

Opponents are calling the practice “vile and reprehensible.” No one knows just how many baby wrestling rings exist. The bill would include funding for police to shut down the rings, and, because this form of violence against children is perceived as "shocking", law enforcement officials and judges have unsuccessfully attempted to quietly sweep the issue under the rug.

“Children as young as 18 months old are being forced to fight each other,” said Tuscon officer Steve Swanson. In what is being seen as an affront to children across Arizona, baby fighting rings are being exposed.

The clandestine culture of baby wrestling is believed to be directly related to other criminal activity, including baby gang violence. One ring leader, Davios Smith, has already been arrested, and charged with manslaughter. Images and videos of fights were found on his home computer. 

Among the evidence, police found videos of babies forced to crawl on treadmills in an effort to increase their cardiovascular fitness and endurance. One other man, identified as a baby fighting “coach” was arrested and charged with multiple felonies, including child endangerment. Police also found nutritional supplements and hormones along with cocaine and steroids at the home of Smith; it was unclear which drugs and supplements were given to the children.

“This baby fighting has got to stop,” said feminist journalist and anti-baby wrestling activist Marisa Meltzer. She has been one of the most vocal media opponents of the practice to date. The bill is expected to pass in January.

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Libertarian Candidate Closes Gap on Obama to Just 68 Million Votes

WASHINGTON - According to the latest Zogby poll, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson has successfully narrowed the gap between himself and incumbent President Barack Obama to just 68 million likely votes. Following strong debate performances against third party and independent rivals, Mr Johnson stunned political analysts Tuesday, as almost 0.7% of the electorate said they would be likely to vote for the Libertarian if the election were held today, compared to 52% saying they would vote for Obama and 49% for Romney. This bears a stark contrast to a September 22nd poll, which gave Johnson an underwhelming 0.6% of likely voters - easily outside of the sample size margin error.

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Paul Ryan: 'Must Not Look Weak, Must Not Look Weak, Must Not Look Weak'

KENTUCKY - Following his televised debate with Vice President Joe Biden Thursday, Mitt Romney's running mate Paul Ryan insisted: "must not look weak, must not look weak, must not look weak."

Adopting a serious tone during post-debate festivities, the 42-year-old said it was absolutely vital that he  refrain from breaking down in uncontrollable tears after what, after all, was a healthy debate with Mr. Biden.

"Be a man, Paul Ryan," Mr. Ryan repeatedly told himself backstage, while violently slapping his face. "Crying is a sign of weakness. Pull yourself together and show those motherfuckers who is boss. No one messes with Paul "The Muscle Machine" Ryan." 

"I'm a tiger, damn it," he continued, as campaign advisers asked, from behind his dressing room door, if he was alright.

According to several news correspondents on the scene, the Wisconsin congressman further proceeded to rip off his suit jacket in a moment of "intense emotional abandon", in which Mr. Ryan was heard whispering the words: "I won't fail you, daddy. I won't fail you."  

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Vice Presidential Debate Ready to Step In Should Something Happen to Presidential Debate

WASHINGTON D.C. - Thursday's vice presidential debate between incumbent VP Joe Biden and Republican challenger Paul Ryan insists it is more than prepared to be sworn into the national spotlight, should something happen to the presidential debate at some point down the road. In the unlikely event that the town meeting between President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney were to become incapacitated or unable to fulfill its duties as a presidential debate, Thursday's Vice Presidential debate in Kentucky reaffirmed that it would not shy away from allowing its two combatants to answer questions more geared toward a potential commander-in-chief. "One of the responsibilities of a vice presidential debate is knowing that you might have to step up to the plate and have your candidates duke it out over the issue of leadership," said the debate. "I am ready for such an eventuality."    

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Big Bird Endorses Elmo for President

SESAME STREET, NY - Insisting that the policies of both President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have failed to connect with his own personal philosophy, Sesame Street character Big Bird publicly endorsed co-star Elmo for president Wednesday.

Following last week's presidential debate, in which Republican Mitt Romney said he would cut funding to PBS, Big Bird has been launched into the political spotlight, most notably in a campaign ad for President Obama.

"Let's face it," said the 8-foot, yellow Muppet in an address to millions of children nationwide. "The Republicans and the Democrats are two sides of the same coin these days. Only a candidate who represents all Americans, who understands who he is, can get the job done. That candidate is Elmo."

Though the three-and-half-year-old red Muppet did not seek an exploratory commission by the national deadline, it is believed that Big Bird and the rest of the Sesame Street cast are planning to nominate Elmo via a write-in.

Asked what an Elmo Presidency would mean for the economy and job creation, the candidate was unequivocal in his response: "Elmo knows how bad this economy is. After all, on the September 1, 2009 taping of the show, Elmo's mother lost her job. Those were tough times."

"Vote Elmo."

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Rush Limbaugh Catches Little Toe On Chair Leg

NEW YORK, NY - In a deeply excruciating moment Monday, conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh accidentally caught his little toe on a dining room chair, causing the 61-year-old to scream out in agony for over half a minute.

According to Limbaugh's wife Kathryn Rogers, the radio personality was heading briskly to the kitchen when the far side of his right foot connected at full speed with the inconveniently placed item of furniture. 

"I felt so bad for him," said Limbaugh's fourth wife, as she watched him rolling around in unbearable agony on the living room floor. "I was just watching television, when all of a sudden Rush let out one of those almighty screams. At first, I thought he was just venting against the inherent liberal bias in the media, but I looked up and saw him welling up with tears. I could tell he was in great physical discomfort."

At press time, Limbaugh was reportedly unable to get through the remainder of his day without recreating the incident over and over in his mind, something that caused him to wince every time.

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Sweating Romney Can't Stop Asking Advisers How He Did Out There

DENVER, CO - Following Wednesday's opening presidential debate at the University of Denver, a sweating Mitt Romney would not stop asking advisers how he did. 

Nervously loosening his tie, the former Massachusetts governor stormed into campaign manager Matt Rhoades' temporary office, demanding: "well?" 

Though several staffers affirmed that the Republican candidate had performed favorably in his debate with incumbent Barack Obama, Romney asked everyone, from his wife Ann to 22-year-old Republican intern Kevin Tisley, whether he did all right out there tonight.

"Look, I've got to know," said Mr. Romney to a passerby who appeared to be wearing a Romney/Ryan 2012 t-shirt. "Did I nail it tonight?"

"I mean, I know you were probably backstage for most of the debate, but tell me: from what you saw, did I hold my own? Did I?"

Seemingly unwilling to listen to supportive messages from fellow Republicans and campaign strategists, a frantic Mr. Romney vowed to give a live televised conference on Thursday in which he will ask the nation: "honestly, what did you think?"

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Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary

WASHINGTON D.C. - Throughout a rousing rally on Capitol Hill Tuesday, hundreds of Tea Party demonstrators - voicing their disapproval of Barack Obama's presidency - championed the idea of lowering taxes and downsizing the nation's vocabulary.

Speaking over a bullhorn, Tea Party stalwart Terry Higgins gave a damning criticism of what he perceived as the Obama administration's attempt to expand the size of the national lexicon, with repeated use of words like "vitriolic", "insatiable" and "rationale".

"We need rid of Obama, y'hear me?" said Mr. Higgins, in a notably prosaic speech. "There are too many people in this great country who rely on words to get by. We must do whatever it takes to stop that."

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New Election Poll Shows Widening Gap Between Mitt Romney, Reality

WASHINGTON D.C. - According to the most recent Gallup poll released Thursday, there is a growing gap between Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney and the fundamental concept of reality.

According to the pollster's demographic breakdown, 50% of Americans said that, if the presidential election were to be held today, they would be more likely to vote in favor of factual events, while just 44% said they would prefer Mitt Romney as president.

The shift in public opinion follows a variety of campaign gaffes by Mr. Romney, who is on record as stating that he is "not going to worry" about 47% of the electorate, isn't concerned about the very poor, and believes that the economic crisis of 2008 was Obama's fault.

"The figures indicate that Romney's campaign strategy of distorting, bending, or totally just making up reality is not connecting with the majority of American voters," said analyst Chuck Francis. "Half of all Americans would prefer to see a continued reduction to the country's unemployment rate - which has steadily improved under President Obama - than to see Mitt Romney come in and "fix this country's growing unemployment problem."

Responding to the poll results Thursday, however, Mr Romney maintained that there was still a long way to go in the race and that "most Americans will eventually come around to my side once I remind them that Obama possesses known ties to international terrorists."    

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Romney Reaches Out To The Nation's Dead People

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WASHINGTON D.C. - In a move designed to kickstart his flagging presidential campaign Friday, Mitt Romney reached out to the nation's dead people during a visit to a cemetery in the state of Virginia.

Aiming to refocus his campaign after a series of setbacks this past week, the former Massachussets governor addressed over 300 deceased voters in what was a rescheduled campaign stop this morning.

Trailing President Barack Obama by 7 percentage points in the most recent poll, the Romney campaign believes that its most realistic chance of taking the White House in November is "gaining the support of a demographic that is no longer even a demographic."

"I need your support on November 6," Romney told a crowd of unregistered, lifeless voters. "The President doesn't believe in the rights of dead people. He would rather have you all buried in cramped cemeteries which would rely on government subsidies for their upkeep. I'm not going to do that."

In a prolonged conversation with local woman Hettie Ball (1917-2004), Romney pledged that under his watch, people like her wouldn't have to settle for granite-marble mix headstones, insisting that America's dead would get the opportunity to work their way up to platinum tombstones instead.

"A Romney administration would not let the weeds around your final resting place overgrow," he continued. "In fact, we would work tirelessly to ensure that only the very best flowers would grow around your soulless bodies for all eternity."

Meanwhile, the Obama campaign today seized on Mr. Romney's latest address, saying that "Mr. Romney hadn't been clear with the deceased as to how he will actually implement all of his proposals. Especially the proposal to cut unemployment among the dead."

That aside, Romney was able to touch upon his campaign promise of putting almost half of all Americans into plush, well-cared-for cemeteries over the next four years.

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Romney On His Video Gaffe: 'Obama Is Destroying This Nation'

WASHINGTON D.C. - Attempting to deflect growing criticism following a leaked video allegedly showing him alienating "47%" of the American electorate, Mitt Romney today addressed the issue, declaring: "Obama is ruining this great nation."

Mr Romney came under fire Monday after a video surfaced on the alternative news site MotherJones.com in which he appeared to say: "[M]y job is is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives," to which he emphatically responded: "Things are much worse than they were four years ago under this president."

"I understand there's been a video that's been on the internet for a few weeks that has attracted some attention and I thought I would make some comments about it," said Mr Romney, late last night. "President Obama has been a colossal failure on virtually every issue. That is what I have to say."

Allaying fears that, if elected, he would aim to serve only half of the nation's citizens, Romney assured voters that Obamacare is the "single biggest mistake of Obama's presidency."

"Make no mistake," urged Romney, attempting to dispel the assertion that his campaign does not care about upward of 90 million voters. "Obama should not have overturned 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' when he did. In my view, it was extremely irresponsible of him."

Meanwhile, asked if his latest gaffe could affect his latest poll standing against President Obama, Mr Romney was unequivocal in his response: "Obama must be defeated."

Obama Changes Relationship Status to 'It's Complicated' Just to Shit With Everyone

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WASHINGTON D.C. - In what was intended as a light-hearted prank Monday, President Obama logged into Facebook and changed his relationship status to "it's complicated" just to shit with people.

In an apparent effort to defuse cross-party political tension, Mr Obama temporarily removed all mention of his marriage to First Lady Michelle Obama, allowing his new relationship status to show up in the news feeds of approximately 28 million Facebook users.

"It was just a harmless goof," said Mr Obama in a press conference this afternoon. "The best part was reading all of the comments on my timeline right after I did it. It was freaking hilarious."

"Everyone was, like, "shouldn't you have waited until after the election to announce this sort of thing?" Damn, that shit was funny."

The edit is reported to have garnered upward of 1.3 million likes, with a high percentage of these appearing to come from users who subscribe to Obama's presidential rival Mitt Romney.

It is believed, however, that Obama's prank may not have resonated with his wife Michelle, who is thought to have taken "the whole thing to heart."

"Needless to say, I am extremely disappointed with Barack," said Mrs Obama in a short statement. "How would he like it if I removed The Audacity of Hope from my "favorite books" or, better yet, stopped liking his Fan Page?"

"I'll let him think about those things for a day or two."

9/12 Not Remembered

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Story originally posted on 9/11/2010 at our now defunked sister paper, The Daily Fortnight. 

WASHINGTON - Almost eleven years on from the events of the day immediately following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, millions of Americans will spend tomorrow utterly failing to remember 9/12 - a day which involved hourly repeats of the same, non-developing news story across all the major news networks.

The day, which was followed by the equally unremarkable 9/13, 9/14 and 9/15, is expected to see the nation's 300 million residents go about their business as if nothing had ever happened.

Asked to give their interpretations of 9/12, most Americans struggled to remember where they had been at the very moment CNN aired repeat footage of the South Tower collapsing.

"I don't really remember what I was doing during the events of 9/12," said Martha Jackson, of Richmond, Virgina, who was 33 at the time of events. "I guess I was just at work, or something. Or was I doing some cleaning at home?"

"I'm sorry, I just don't remember," she continued.

With 9/12 this year falling on a Wednesday, many Americans are expected to go ahead with their working lives, followed by dinner at home and an evening of watching the occasional television program.

"I doubt I'll be doing anything out of the ordinary," said resident of Kokomo, Indiana, Jake Craney. "I was thinking of just messing around on the internet or something. I mean, if I get time, maybe I'll sit down in front of the news for three hours as a mark of respect, but I can't make any promises."

Meanwhile, US President Barack Obama has announced that a federal investigation is underway to determine whether or not 9/11 news reports could have been prevented.

Merciless Obama Still Threatening to Put More and More Americans Back to Work

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WASHINGTON DC - President Obama has repeated his cruel and draconian threats to put more unemployed people back to work following next year's election.

During a controversial speech outside the White House Saturday, Mr Obama addressed the so-called "threat to the nation's welfare" of unemployment, with equally heartless members of congress also calling for the creation of thousands of thankless and miserable jobs for the American people to endure.

"This administration is strongly committed to putting more people back to work," said Mr Obama. "We have already introduced several measures to try and stimulate job growth and by next year we aim to put 1.5 million Americans into the careers they are fated to suffer."

The issue of unemployment has intensified over the past 18 months, with the economic crisis helping 30 million happy citizens avoid work altogether.

However, if the sinister machinations of both major parties come to fruition, millions of people will be forced to give up their jobless, sofa-bound lifestyles in the name of what Obama calls "opportunity." As a result, daytime ratings for cable TV networks such as Spike and Lifetime are expected to plummet.

"We are the party of jobs and opportunity," insisted the President. "If there's one thing that me and my adversaries can agree on, it's that we must ensure a job, however demeaning and mind-numbingly dull, for every American who is fit to work."

Obama's announcement comes amid weeks of intense protesting on Wall Street, as thousands of masochistic activists continue to actually petition the government to create more jobs.

"I guess some people just like the idea of mindlessly hauling ass for eight hours a day," speculated House Speaker John Boehner. "Well, those protesters better damn sure be careful what they wish for."

Image credit: U.S. Federal Government. Public Domain.

Sean Hannity Accuses Democratic National Convention of Liberal Bias

NEW YORK, NY - As the Democratic National Convention continued in Charlotte Thursday, Fox News presenter and political commentator Sean Hannity accused members of the Democratic Party of displaying liberal bias in the vast majority of its speeches, policies and sentiment.

The outspoken broadcaster, known for defending the ideology of the Republican Party, insisted that the convention's organizers "played it safe" by intentionally only inviting liberal speakers, such as Bill Clinton, Michelle Obama and Joe Biden.

"Listen, any party that drones on about its support for collective bargaining rights, marriage equality and Planned Parenthood is clearly not offering both sides of the argument," said an impassioned Hannity. "What we've been seeing in Charlotte is wholly unfair and woefully unbalanced."

The presenter of Hannity - a nightly one-hour conservative news commentary segment - also said that the convention was compromising the "neutrality of modern politics" by allowing President Barack Obama to speak at the expense of Republican presidential rival Mitt Romney.

"It's frankly sickening the way Republicans have been shunned by the Democratic National Committee," he continued. "I was greatly looking forward to hearing Mike Huckabee counter-arguing Obama on border security. They didn't even invite him. Just goes to show that nothing is fair and balanced - not even the Democratic National Convention."

Meanwhile, rebuking Mr Hannity's claims this afternoon, analysts have been quick to point out that the Republican National Convention itself boasted a largely conservative spin, though pundits admit that Clint Eastwood's speech may have almost single-handedly swung the election in President Obama's favor.

Clint Eastwood Kills 14 At Democratic National Convention

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CHARLOTTE, NC - In a shocking rampage that also left 37 people wounded, screen legend and Republican supporter, Clint Eastwood, killed 14 people at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday, just one week after an infamous speech at the RNC in Tampa. Allegedly breaking into the conference via a backdoor, Eastwood reportedly popped off several rounds into the gathered crowd, declaring: "Democrats can, you know... wow, I thought I... what's going on?". The famed actor/director, noted for films such as Million Dollar Baby, Unforgiven and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly was subsequently arrested and told to stop doing this sort of thing.

Obama Set To Formally Accept That He Just Might Have to Endure Another 4 Years of This Shit

CHARLOTTE, NC - President Barack Obama will address the Democratic National Convention Thursday, where he is expected to formally accept that he must see out another four years of this shit.

Mr Obama, who stormed to the presidency in 2008, will head into November's election reluctantly seeking to defeat Republican challenger Mitt Romney to secure a second thankless and fucking miserable term in office.

"Barack is not at all looking forward to the challenge ahead," said Obama's wife, Michelle, in her own address to the DNC Tuesday.

"Even though cross-party bickering and unjustified conservative resentment will likely grow over the next four years, my husband is nonetheless sort of slightly ready to take on the responsibility of leading this great country once more. I guess."  

"But, for what it's worth, he really doesn't want to."

Just knowing that Republicans will be more determined than ever in the coming years to paint him as a tyrannical socialist Nazi with secret ties to al Qaeda, Obama is believed to be highly reluctant to see this "complete mind-fuck of a presidency" through, but will likely do it for "the good of his party."

Meanwhile, asked if he would be ready from day one to lead America forward, Mr Obama was himself unequivocal in his response this morning: "I've fucking had it."

Paul Ryan Hits Back at Critics, Wounds 5

TAMPA, FL - As the Republican National Convention drew to a close late last night, vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan hit back at his critics - many of whom have condemned Ryan's Wednesday night speech and wider political agenda - wounding 5 people in the process.

"I couldn't believe it," said eyewitness and former Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice. "Someone yelled out something about Mr. Ryan's record on abortion and the next thing I knew, Mr. Ryan was all over the individual. It was totally crazy."

It is believed that the Wisconsin congressman landed several punches into a female activist before lunging into several concerned onlookers.

"It was the most terrifying thing I've ever encountered," said recovering campaign volunteer Nancy Applegate. "He must have kicked me about fifteen times before ripping out a chunk of my hair. I... I just don't know what made him snap like that."

Mr Ryan's shocking tirade follows widespread criticism of his speech to the RNC, in which he appeared to deceive voters - two of whom received kicks to the head - into believing that President Obama's healthcare plan removed $716 billion from Medicare, when in fact this figure represented savings in Medicare reimbursement rates. 

Moreover, Mr Ryan violently slapped another witness, after it was pointed out that Mr Ryan's own proposed budget plan offered similar savings.

Meanwhile, it is understood that the violence only came to a halt after Mr Ryan was restrained by New Jersey Governor and RNC keynote speaker Chris Christie who insisted: "let me have a turn!"

Biden Keeps Asking Obama If He Can Take Air Force One for A Spin

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WASHINGTON D.C. - Desperate to hit up a couple of buddies over in Cape Cod, Vice President Joe Biden keeps asking President Obama if he can just take Air Force One for a spin. Vowing that the president's plane would not pick up so much of a scratch, Biden insisted that "a couple of the guys are going out fishing this weekend and it would be really fucking neat to fly in unannounced." However, it is believed that Mr Obama is highly reluctant to loan out the plane after Biden totaled the presidential limousine following an ill-judged New Year's prank.

Guy Dressed as Yoda Accidentally Turns Up At Republican National Convention

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TAMPA, FL - Hoping to meet a group of fellow Star Wars fanatics and indulge in a series of role play activities, science fiction enthusiast Ryan Pennegrahe accidentally turned up at the Republican National Convention Thursday dressed as Yoda. Hearing that the convention was in town, Pennegrahe quickly pieced together a crude, green costume, accompanied by the obligatory robe, only to been turned away by officials who mistook him for "one of those crazy Ron Paul supporters."

Huckabee Asks RNC Organizers if He Can Bring His Bass

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TAMPA, FL - Gearing up to play a memorable part in the 2012 Republican National Convention this week, former Arkansas Governor and presidential campaigner Mike Huckabee has asked RNC organizers if it would be okay for him to bring along his bass guitar.

Offering to knock out a few Rolling Stones numbers during his 10-minute address, Huckabee insisted that "this will really get the convention swinging."

"I just wanted to do a few riffs with the band," said the 57-year-old. "I promise not to go overboard. Just three songs, and then I'll let Condoleezza Rice have the floor. I swear."

Huckabee, who, along with his band Capitol Offense, lent musical accompaniment to the Convention in 2004, said that it would be "a whole lot of fun to just put on one more show for these people."

"Here me out," he continued. "Me and the guys have been working on a really funky cover of Paint It Black. Yes, you heard me: Paint It Freaking Black! Aren't you just a little bit excited?"

"Come on, RNC people: what do you say?"

In an email sent to the former presidential candidate, however, RNC chairman Reince Priebus has advised Huckabee that, while he appreciates the gesture, it's really not that sort of thing.

Brutal, Merciless Shooting Thankfully Not Linked to Terrorism

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NEW YORK, NY - A brutal shooting that left 2 people dead and several wounded outside the Empire State Building this morning is not believed to be linked to terrorism, say relieved news sources.

Even though 11 people were wounded, after the gunman killed a former co-worker with a gunshot to the head, it has been confirmed that no one in the vicinity - including  numerous lucky police officers, residents and tourists - was, at any point, terrorized by the perpetrator.

"The one redeeming factor in this appalling tragedy is that the suspect, Jeffrey Johnson, did not set out to frighten anyone or to spread fear across Manhattan," said New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg. "He just wanted to kill lots of people."

"We are just so thankful that all casualties will still be able to put this relatively easy-going incident behind them and feel safe to walk the streets of New York again."
 
Meanwhile, the New York Police Department has issued a statement advising anyone visiting the corner of Fifth Avenue and West 34th Street "not to be alarmed by the line of police tape surrounding the blood-stained sidewalk this morning."

"It's not anything to get upset about," said NYPD Commissioner, Raymond Kelly. "No bombs were set off. Just go and enjoy this lovely day in Manhattan."

West Nile Death Toll Rises to 4,028 Mosquitoes

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DRUID HILLS, GEORGIA - The latest report released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has found that the death toll in the recent spread of West Nile's disease has increased to more than 4,000 mosquitoes.

More than half of these fatalities are believed to have occurred in the state of Texas, where around 2,100 Culicidae have either been mercilessly stepped on, swatted, or obliterated with bug spray in the last three weeks alone.

"We are monitoring the situation very carefully," said CDCP health agent Monica Clark. "As we have seen: West Nile's disease can be fatal, affecting not only mosquitoes but wasps, house flies and insects of all kind. A fly swatter does not discriminate."

Image credit: Alvesgaspar.

Ron Paul ‘Will Fight Presidential Campaign Into 2013’ Just to See What Happens

WASHINGTON D.C. - Even though rival Republican presidential campaigner Mitt Romney has already attained the 1,144 delegates needed to seal the party's nomination, Ron Paul says he will continue campaigning, vowing to fight on into 2013, just to see what happens.

Unwilling to concede defeat in the face of mathematically impossible odds, Congressman Paul told potential delegates that he is still counting on their support "just in case something transpires."

"I mean, you just never know," said Paul, at a campaign rally in Charlotte, North Carolina Monday. "Though it would appear the American people are not connecting with my ideas of smaller government, less foreign intervention and a Federal Reserve audit, things can change very quickly in politics. I won't give up on this, dammit."

Hailing a return to the gold standard, Paul insisted that his message of creating a free market and reducing the role of government in fiscal matters might one day resonate with voters, even if that day is long after either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney is elected to office.

"This might sound crazy, but I really think that if we all knuckle down and continue to espouse policies that remain true to our nation's founding document, there's always a chance - come March - that we will win November's election."

"At this point, I am ruling nothing out," continued Paul in front of a boisterous crowd. "I mean, who knows? Perhaps if I battle on long enough, I'll even take a few delegates from Romney."

Meanwhile, Mr Paul would not rule out rumors that he might seek to continue his campaign into the 2016 election just for the darned hell of it.

Image Credit: David Carlyon.

God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS, LA - As Storm Debby battered the state of Florida Monday, His Lordship Almighty God apologized profusely to the Sunshine State, after admitting that the tropical storm - which has caused widespread flooding in Tampa, Tallahassee and Jacksonville - was in fact intended solely for New Orleans.

Blaming the error on poor internal administration, God insisted that the devastation caused across much of Florida was not a reflection of his feelings toward the state or its people, and assured Floridians that Storm Debby would soon move on to the south coast of Louisiana "where it will hopefully cause unimaginable death and destruction."

"All right, I admit it - I messed up," He said, gazing omnipotently down at The Gulf Coast. "I mean, nobody's perfect, right? I really didn't think you guys would experience more than a light drizzle if I'm honest. Please don't take this personally. I assure you that there was no malice intended. In fact, I was reserving that for the evil heretics who bear their breasts at Mardi Gras."

The geographical misjudgment comes some 7 years after Hurricane Katrina successfully ravaged what God refers to as "the city of sinners", while the BP oil spill of 2010 severely impaired the city's "crappy little fishing industry." 

"After the successes of the past few years, I really just wanted to finish off that abomination of a city once and for all," He continued. "Hopefully once the storm passes Florida, my plans will still come to fruition."

Meanwhile, asked to expand upon speculation that the 2011 Japanese tsunami was itself meant as a catastrophic attack on New Orleans, God was unequivocal in His response: "Good Heavens, no," He said. "I just don't like yellow people."

Romney Devours 'Fifty Shades of Grey' In Effort to Win Over Female Voters

WASHINGTON D.C. -  In a new and controversial campaign strategy designed to appeal to female voters, presumed Republican nominee Mitt Romney has begun reading the wildly popular erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey.

Romney: Screw It, I'll Give $3 Million To Everyone Who Votes for Me

WASHINGTON D.C. - In an effort to win over the average working American, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to give away his entire wealth to the American people, declaring: "enough with politics: I'll give three million freaking dollars to everyone who votes for me in November."


The move is also seen as an attempt to improve Romney's standing among women, Latinos and the gay community - as well as African Americans, undecided voters and a core base of liberals.


"The economy of the United States has tanked under this president," Romney told supporters at a rally in the capital yesterday. "Under my administration, we will reduce unemployment, cut spending and lower taxes. In fact, to Hell with the usual rhetoric; let's just say I'll make you a millionaire if you vote for me."


"I'm not shitting you, America. Three million bucks each. Who's game?"


Meanwhile, the Obama administration has accused Romney of attempting to "pander to the electorate," insisting that the former Massachusetts Governor will "probably want the people to pay back every penny once he is in power."

Image credit: Flickr. markn3tel. Creative Commons.     

FBI Agent Believes Mary Kennedy 'May Have Acted Alone'

WESTCHESTER, NY - Despite inevitable conspiracy theories to the contrary, an FBI agent heading up a preliminary investigation into the apparent suicide of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s estranged wife Mary Kennedy believes that Mrs Kennedy may have acted alone.

Federal agent Curtis Howard believes that Mary Kennedy was solely responsible - with no accomplices - for the death Wednesday night of Mary Kennedy, who was found hanged in a barn outside of a house belonging to her ex-husband.

"The rope we found Mrs Kennedy hanging from is consistent with similar cases in which the victim herself plotted and carried out the conspiracy. We are ruling out a second person at this time."

Agent Howard points to Mrs Kennedy's behavior in the days leading up to her death, charging that the troubled green campaigner had supplied alcohol and drug concoctions to herself, in an effort to combat depression.

"There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she was the lone assailant," he continued. "Forensics are going to determine the validity of the suicide note found at the scene, which was signed by Mrs Kennedy herself. Again, we think beyond reasonable doubt that Mary Kennedy was responsible for killing Mary Kennedy."

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists insist that Mrs Kennedy was in fact murdered by elements within the CIA, who it is believed "haven't knocked off a Kennedy in years."

Romney Vows to Build an America That People Can Be Leaving

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CONCORD, NH - Following a series of primary victories Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to build an America that voters from across the entire nation can truly be leaving.

Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Creative commons.

Winning a significant number of delegates in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Delaware and Pennsylvania yesterday, the former Massachusetts governor insisted that he will defeat Barack Obama in November's election and implement "hugely divisive" policies that will see millions of Americans return to the lands of their forebears.

"The Mitt Romney presidency begins here," he said, prompting fears of a mass, nationwide exodus. "If anyone knows how to get this country running again, it's me. In fact, I'll have them running for the hills."

Often accused of "being out of touch with the average working family," Mr Romney insisted that every American - no matter their profession or social position - would soon witness the benefits of economic recovery and widespread job growth in places like the United Kingdom, France and Germany.

"Make no mistake about it," he continued."The policies of President Obama have let this country down. But don't worry: he ain't got nothing on me."

Santorum Ends Nation's Intense Fear of His Candidacy

WASHINGTON D.C. - Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum announced the end to the country's growing anxiety over his candidacy Tuesday, insisting that "personal issues had forced him to suspend national Santorum paranoia prematurely."

Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Creative Commons.

Mr Santorum, who's daughter was hospitalized earlier this week, held a press conference yesterday to officially end what had been a hard fought battle against the collective nerve of the American electorate.

"I entered this race with the intention of terrifying the American people with the prospect of me - Rick Santorum - actually becoming leader of the free world. It is with great regret, however, that I must draw this campaign of terror to a close. I am suspending the God awful fear of a Santorum presidency, effective immediately."

Meanwhile, Mr Santorum's announcement is widely expected to clear the way for widespread fears of Mitt Romney's eventual nomination later this year.

Republican Presidential Race Apparently Still Happening, Nation Finds

WASHINGTON D.C. - According to national sources Tuesday, the race to find a Republican nominee to challenge incumbent president Barack Obama for the White House this November is still happening.

Image credit: Flickr. BU Interactive News.

Thinking that the primary season, which kicked off in the state of Iowa this past January, had wound down sometime in late February, the nation was surprised to find that three primaries - in Wisconsin, Maryland and Washington D.C. - are set to be contested later today.

"Wow, you've got to be kidding me," said Pittsburgh resident Joel Holladay. "Didn't that guy Romney already have this thing sewn up? And since when is Newt Gingrich still campaigning? I must have stopped following about two months ago."

According to the Associated Press, presidential candidate Rick Santorum - whose momentum in recent primaries has gone largely unnoticed by the American electorate - heads into April looking to close the gap on Mitt Romney, who - according to sensational reports Tuesday - "still hasn't sealed the GOP nomination."

"This is just ludicrous," continued Mr Holladay. "I truly had no idea that the mainstream media was still reporting this shit. Can someone please wake me up when it's November?"

"And, by the grace of God, it looks like Ron Paul is actually still going. How...? what...? I'm done."

Meanwhile, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer was asked by the nation this morning to "please say that again", after asserting that "the candidates could still be going at it for another four months."