Romney Vows to Build an America That People Can Be Leaving

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CONCORD, NH - Following a series of primary victories Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to build an America that voters from across the entire nation can truly be leaving.

Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Creative commons.

Winning a significant number of delegates in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Delaware and Pennsylvania yesterday, the former Massachusetts governor insisted that he will defeat Barack Obama in November's election and implement "hugely divisive" policies that will see millions of Americans return to the lands of their forebears.

"The Mitt Romney presidency begins here," he said, prompting fears of a mass, nationwide exodus. "If anyone knows how to get this country running again, it's me. In fact, I'll have them running for the hills."

Often accused of "being out of touch with the average working family," Mr Romney insisted that every American - no matter their profession or social position - would soon witness the benefits of economic recovery and widespread job growth in places like the United Kingdom, France and Germany.

"Make no mistake about it," he continued."The policies of President Obama have let this country down. But don't worry: he ain't got nothing on me."

American Team Wins World Series

ST. LOUIS - The St. Louis Cardinals made history Friday when they became the 104th American team to win the World Series.

With their 6-2 victory over the Texas Rangers in game 7, The Cardinals extended the United States' formidable record in the competition, which has only twice been won by a non-American club when the Toronto Blue Jays recorded back-to-back victories in 1992 and 1993.

"It's just a fantastic feeling," said Cardinals' coach Tony La Russa. "To continue the legacy of this great country, which has produced winning team after winning team for over a century, it is truly an honor I will feel for the rest of my life. God bless America."

The Series, which pits the winner of The American League vs. the winner of The National League, was precedented in that it was contested between not one, but two American teams, with not a single non-American team even coming close.

The dominance of American clubs throughout World Series history has continued to stir debate between sporting fans and disgruntled foreign nationals as to the competition's validity as a "world sport."

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3 Protesters Turn Out for Really Awkward 'Occupy Daleville' Rally

DALEVILLE - In what should have been a monumental display of solidarity against the perceived corporate takeover of the United States, just three people turned out for an impromptu protest in Daleville this past Monday.

Dubbed "Occupy Daleville" after its wildly more successful counterparts in New York and Washington DC, the protest was attended by event organizer Kathy Spink, who was joined by the relatively unenthusiastic combination of son Josh and close family friend Brandon.

Setting up camp along County Road 550, the trio made half-hearted attempts to alert passersby of the inherent corruption surrounding America's financial institutions.

"Stop corporate America from meddling in our lives," chanted Mrs Spink, aimlessly. "Give the money back to the people!"

According to eyewitness reports, however, the three activists eventually abandoned their protest in order to grab lunch at at a nearby McDonald's.