Romney: 'As President, I Will Put a Man On Mars By 2014'

WASHINGTON D.C. - In an effort to bolster support for his campaign ahead of next month's presidential election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has vowed to put a man on the surface of Mars by the year 2014.

Speaking at a post debate rally in Mount Vernon, Ohio Tuesday, Mr. Romney insisted that funding a dangerous manned mission to the Red Planet would become the number one issue on his agenda from day one.

"I want to see an America where the people can feel inspired again; I want to see an America that thrives on innovation, on ingenuity," said the former Massachusetts governor. "That is why I stand before you today, and promise to send a man - possibly more than one - to the northern hemisphere of Mars two years from today."

Mr. Romney was quick to attack President Obama's record on Mars, insisting that a proposed mission to the planet in the year 2033 was "too long for the American people to wait."

"The current administration seems to think we should wait another 25 years, and waste time and resources on rock sample projects," he continued. "This is unacceptable. We need to land on Mars now. And by the way, I'm not talking about sending another robot, or a space observatory. Listen to these words again: I'm going to send a living, breathing man."    

Meanwhile, Mr. Romney's proclamation is thought to have placed a serious dent on his popularity among the 18-92 female demographic.

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INTERVIEW: NASA's Curiosity talks Mars, Humans, and Micro-managing Bosses

This week, The Indy Tribune caught up with NASA's Curiosity Rover to get its insight into Mars, the human race, and micro-managing bosses. Here's how it went down.

Curiosity Pushing Self to Try and Do At Least 70 Feet Today

AEOLIS PALUS, MARS - In an effort to add greater intensity to its daily work-out and fitness routine, NASA's Curiosity rover pushed itself extra hard Saturday to try and do at least 70 feet. Attempting to beat its 1-day personal best distance of 64 feet, achieved during a particularly strenous workout early last week, the 2,000lb robotic device insisted that it was "taking it one goal at a time." "If I can just get past that difficult 67-feet mark I know this is a regimen I keep up," Curiosity Tweeted today. "As with anything, if I can keep it up for 90 days, I'm set then on for life. One day I'll be rolling 100 feet a day." Since we went to press, Curiosity has beamed back colorful new images of itself lying exhausted on a bed of rocks.

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Martian Emperor: Hands off Our Water

MARTIAN EQUATOR - Following the successful landing of NASA's Mars Rover early this morning, the President of Mars has released a statement to Earth's leaders, insisting: "hands off our water or there will be consequences."

Speaking today from the planet's equator - some 270 miles away from where Curiosity landed Monday - Emperor Pyomdix Wuppa III said any encroachment on Mars's water supply - or indeed its life forms - would "constitute a direct violation of intergalactic law."

"What human scientists and financiers are proposing will not be tolerated by the Martian population," he said. "Our very existence depends entirely on the presence of water and if it is interfered with, the Earthlings will pay."

"I'm not kidding," he continued.

Wuppa's comments come as scientists on Earth continue to operate unmanned drones on the surface of Mars - something that Wuppa insists contravenes interplanetary privacy laws.

"I refuse to allow this beautiful planet to become subject to oppressive surveillance measures," continued the emperor. "The Martian population is a private population and we intend to keep it that way."

"I will say it again: back off."

Responding to Emperor Wuppa's comments, meanwhile, U.S. President Barack Obama has moved to reassure his galactic counterpart that Curiosity would not interfere with the planet's perceived water supply and is designed only to look for signs of life.

"Look, we have no vested interest in Martian water," he said. "Last time I checked, we had a healthy balance of the stuff right here on Earth."

"Furthermore, I want to assure Emperor Wuppa that NASA has no immediate intention to send humans to his planet. Hell, we can't even afford to go back to the moon, never mind Mars. It will be many thousands of years before the U.S. Government finally gets around to authorizing such an expedition."