Google Search For 'Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial' Evolves Into 'Reeva Steenkamp Topless'

INDIANAPOLIS - During a routine navigation of the internet Friday, a local man's Google search for the keywords "Oscar Pistorius murder trial" evolved over the course of 7 minutes into "Reeva Steenkamp Topless."

Initially looking to gain up-to-the-minute news on the murder trial of South Africa's famed special Olympian, Indianapolis man James Kinsella subconsciously clicked a related article about Pistorius' late girlfriend Miss Steenkamp - who the athlete is accused of murdering.

Lance Armstrong Apologizes to Supporters, Fellow Cyclists for Getting Caught

CHICAGO, IL - In an open and honest interview with Oprah Winfrey, disgraced former cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted to doping and apologized to fellow professionals and his supporters for getting found out.

During the interview, the first part of which was screened Thursday on the Oprah Winfrey Network, a remorseful Mr. Armstrong insisted that his decision not to sue The United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) for making doping claims against him is something he "highly regrets."

Lance Armstrong's Bicycle Releases Tell-All Biography

PLANO, TX - As questions continue to mount in the doping case against 7-time Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong, the former cyclist's bicycle today released a new tell-all biography, in which it claims to have borne witness to the alleged activities. The book, entitled The Ride to Infamy and which was unveiled in bookshops nationwide Thursday, details a timeline of events in which Mr. Armstrong allegedly partook in performance enhancing activities, including doping. "During the 1999 Tour de France, Lance pedaled the shit out of me," said the bike, in chapter eight of the book. "I knew right there and then that either my master was super human, or something untoward was going on out there." At press time, the bike has not been called in by investigators as a credible witness in the case.

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Andrew Luck Relishing Challenge of Outgrowing The Colts

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INDIANAPOLIS - Speaking ahead of today's game against the Jacksonville Jaguars, prospective new quarterback Andrew Luck insisted he is really enjoying the challenge of following in the footsteps of Peyton Manning and to one day outgrow The Indianapolis Colts.

Saying that he hopes to "fully develop his game" under coach Chuck Pagano so that he can make a big-money move away to "someone like The New York Giants" later on down the road, Luck invited NFL scouts to "come and see me play."

"Everyone on the Colts' roster has really helped me settle in well," said Luck, glancing over the website of the San Francisco 49ers. "This kind of team support can only help me raise my game and eventually secure a multi-million dollar contract with a really kick-ass team in a few years."

Asked what he thought about the comparisons made between himself and Colts legend and current Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, Luck said there were more similarities between the two than just the position they play, adding: "Peyton achieved what I hope to achieve with The Colts: interest from another team."

As he sets his sights on a second straight victory today, Luck says he will have one eye on the game 4 showdown with The Greenbay Packers, hoping that the Wisconsin team's management and coaching staff "really get to see what I can do."

Victory A Result of Man Shouting 'Go Colts' at TV

INDIANAPOLIS - The Indianapolis Colts secured a hard-earned victory against The Minnesota Vikings on Week 2 of the new NFL season Sunday, attributing their victory to local man Justin Thacker, who persistently yelled "go Colts" at his television screen throughout the 2-hour broadcast.

Initially, it was believed that the impressive victory came about as a result of the team's considerable work ethic, months of pre-season preparation and valiant individual prowess.

However, upon hearing Thacker constructively advise him to "throw the ball already", new Colts quarterback Andrew Luck says he "suddenly became more determined than ever to win this damn match."

"I just don't know how we would have got it done without Mr Thacker," said Luck in a post-game interview. "Feeding off of his mindless passion for the sport was absolutely what sealed the victory for us in the end."

Meanwhile, Colts head coach Chuck Pagano was quick to dismiss reports that Mr Thacker's game-long chanting had also contributed to the Colts' defeat in game 1 to the Chicago Bears.

Local Man Seems Just A Little Too Into Archery

INDIANAPOLIS - Sitting down with his family to watch the opening rounds of the Olympic Games Friday, Indianapolis resident Damien Fenhurst was just a little too into archery, say sources.

Displaying an inordinate degree of interest in the skill and craftsmanship of the competitors on show, the 39-year-old was seen staring intently at the television screen, intermittently uttering phrases like "just look at how he nocks that arrow" and "I really want to learn how to aim like that."

According to his wife Lucy and two children Brian and Michelle, a glazed over Mr Fenhurst watched in awe, as South Korean archer Im dong-Hyun smashed the world record in Men's Archery, insisting "wow, he really nailed that bad boy."

Michael Phelps Tests Positive for Performance-Enhancing Arms

BALTIMORE, MD - The world of athletics was left stunned Tuesday after the announcement that 14-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps has tested positive for performance-enhancing arms.

The world renowned swimmer, who won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, was found to have an arm span measuring 6 feet 7 inches - some 12 inches longer than the average swimmer.

In a statement made on his website today, Phelps issued an apology to the International Olympic Committee and his millions of fans worldwide.

"I wholeheartedly and unreservedly apologize for what I know is an unacceptable physique in the world of swimming," read his statement. "It is one thing to try and gain an advantage over your opponents, but to be born with, and later develop, such unusually long arms is truly against the ethics of this great institution."

"Just... what have I done?"

The IOC is set to announce its ruling Tuesday afternoon, with the possibility that Phelps could receive a ban of up to two years as well as a period of rehabilitation aimed at reducing his considerable physical stature. 

Meanwhile, the announcement comes just two weeks after Special Olympics 100 Meters sprinter Adekunle Adesoji was banned for 10 months after testing positive for performance enhancing legs.

Image credit: Flickr, jdlasica

Study: Temperature of Swimming Pool Not So Bad Once You Get Out

INDIANAPOLIS - A new study from Indiana University has advised casual swimmers that, though it feels really freaking cold when you first wiggle your foot through the water, the pool is actually not so bad once you get out.

Image credit: Flickr. The Consumerist. Creative Commons.

Insisting that you should just close your eyes, hold your breath and head for the showers, the report indicated that you'll soon forget about the unbearable temperatures as you head home for the afternoon.

"It takes a brave person to be able to jump into fifty degrees of sheer, breath-devouring water," said researcher Michael Chanton. "But once you just breathe in, count to five and jump out of the pool, it honestly won't seem as overbearingly cold as it did initially."

The study also found that swimmers of all ages were far less likely to experience sore eyes if they proceeded to to keep their head above water.  

God Trades Tim Tebow to The Jets

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In an unexpected move Wednesday, Almighty God negotiated a deal with the Denver Broncos to trade quarterback Tim Tebow - one of the Lord's most ardent followers - to the New York Jets.

Tebow, who was released from The Bronco's roster following the team's acquisition of former Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, was made aware of the trade-off yesterday morning in a brief conversation with "the big man upstairs."

"It is my calling," said the 24-year-old. "The Lord spoke to me and told me to forget about heading down to Florida; you're heading to NYC, baby!"

Additionally, God is reportedly in heavy negotiations with both the Broncos and The Jets to finalize Tebow's $5m salary advances.

However, while offering his undying gratitude to The Almighty, Tebow insisted that he's not thinking about the financial rewards, stating that "being part of a team and challenging for honors" is what it's all about.


"For me, it was never about the money," he said. "It was just about staying true to The Almighty and trusting in Him. If he says I should be locked into a $70m 5-year contract, who am I to argue?"

Desperate Indiana Legislators Move to Salvage Economy Following Release of Peyton Manning

INDIANAPOLIS - Legislators from across Indiana have called an emergency meeting, amid fears that the state's economy could plummet following news that Indianapolis Colts star quarterback Peyton Manning has been released from the team.

Image credit: Barry Bahler. Creative Commons.

Manning, who was the driving force behind the Colts' impressive form throughout the late 2000s, the team's 2008 Super Bowl victory and the state's overall economic stability from 2001 to 2012, confirmed Wednesday that his services are to be utilized elsewhere.

Scrambling around to find a quick-fix solution to the impending fiscal crisis, Congressman Mike Pence told reporters that members of the Indiana General Assembly are quickly drawing up a shortlist of other viable quarterbacks, in the hopes of replacing Manning's obvious collateral draw.

"We've maintained an open dialogue with The Indianapolis Colts to iron out a draft pick that will keep the state's books balanced through the next decade," he said. "To that end, we hope to reach a  decision in the next 48 hours."

Meanwhile, many observers believe that sales of Manning's famous number 18 shirt, Peyton Manning DVDs and game day tickets could see a sharp decline over the next six months, prompting fears that the state-wide economy could tank.

"When you consider the effect Peyton Manning has had on Indiana's gross domestic product, then one thing becomes very clear: we're in big trouble," said House Representative Terry Goodin. "Add to that the fact that our corn is drying out faster, then we could see the entire collapse of Indiana's economy within the next year."

"I'm not kidding," he concluded.

In an effort to curb a potential downturn, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels has introduced a new "give back" initiative aimed at encouraging Hoosiers to "donate all of their Peyton stuff to the state", as plans get underway for the opening of The Peyton Manning Museum.

"We believe that an exhibition charting the history of Peyton Manning will help keep our economy strong in the long run," said the Governor this morning. "Just wait until you see the really neat gift shop."

Butler Bulldogs Miss Out on Historic Chance to Lose NCAA Final for Third Straight Year

INDIANAPOLIS - Coach Brad Stevens cut a forlorn figure as his team, The Butler Bulldogs, missed out on a golden opportunity to become the first team in the history of college basketball to lose three consecutive NCAA championship games, following their defeat to Valparaiso Saturday.

On the back of heartbreaking championship defeats in 2010 and 2011, Stevens had been planning to write his name into basketball folklore by propelling his latest crop of players into a third and ultimately unsuccessful final this April.

"I guess it just wasn't to be," said the 35-year-old, glancing around an empty Hinkle Fieldhouse. "We wanted to give our fans one more heart-wrenching and utterly disappointing championship performance that they could really treasure for the rest of their lives. Fate was obviously not on our side on Saturday night."

"We're now just going to focus on next year. Hopefully, we can build toward a horribly crushing defeat in the 2013 final instead."

With the Bulldogs out of the NCAA tournament, it remains unclear which underdog team will go on to suffer the unbearable heartache of narrowly losing in this year's final.

Eli Manning Keeps Mentioning to Peyton How Great it Feels to Win a Second Super Bowl

INDIANAPOLIS - In the aftermath of his team's dramatic victory at Super Bowl XLVI in Indianapolis, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning can't stop mentioning to older brother and Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton just how good it feels to win his second Super Bowl Championship.

Eli, who has also twice been named Super Bowl MVP, regaled family members - including Peyton - with glimpses of his championship ring - his second in four years.

"Words cannot express how amazing this feels, big brother," said Eli, as Peyton just sat and nodded despondently. "As you yourself know, winning the Super Bowl just once is pretty awesome, but to win it a second time is just... wow."

Eli Manning's team, the New York Giants, defeated the New England Patriots 21-17 in a repeat performance of the 2008 Super Bowl championship game Sunday - with Eli celebrating in front of his family in attendance.

"I'll grant you, the game was mighty close there for a while," he said shortly after the game. "But this was my second appearance at the Super Bowl and I sure as hell wasn't going to mess things up like I know some players might have."

"Doesn't it just sound so good? Eli Manning: two-time MVP; two-time champion."

According to sources close to the Manning family, Eli also spent a good portion of Sunday night reiterating to Peyton how amazing it was to "win the Super Bowl right here in the great city of Indianapolis."      

Image credit: fair use.

City of Indianapolis Honestly Thinking of Just Calling Off this Whole Stupid Super Bowl Thing

INDIANAPOLIS - Following a brief outburst Monday, the city of Indianapolis said it is truly considering just "cancelling the whole damn Super Bowl", insisting that "the entire stupid thing is just so much hassle to organize?"

Speaking to Channel 6 News late Monday evening, Indianapolis, which has been inundated with thousands of tourists, Super Bowl themed events and parking lot price hikes, declared that it has "just had enough already."

"I swear, if somebody doesn't do something about the Goddamn traffic, I'm calling the whole thing off," said Indianapolis from downtown Indianapolis. "I mean, really? Why does it take forty years to drive into the city? And the Super Bowl hasn't even kicked off yet."

In a message that seemed to indicate it was starting to come to its senses, however, Indianapolis was later heard telling the nearby city of Carmel that "the Super Bowl Village is actually kinda neat, so we'll see."

Image credit: Public domain.

It Suddenly Hits Mayor That Indianapolis About to Host the Freaking Super Bowl

INDIANAPOLIS - Mayor of Indianapolis, Greg Ballard, has admitted that his city's hosting of the 46th annual Super Bowl is really starting to hit home, insisting "it's actually about to freaking happen! Christ, I can't believe this."

Until now, the mayor has kept a relatively low profile as the city of Indianapolis prepares to host the Super Bowl for the first time in NFL history.

However, gazing out of his office window at the City-Council Building Wednesday, Ballard is said to have jumped up and down like a 6-year-old kid on Christmas morning, after witnessing enthusiastic crowds gathering in Super Bowl Village.

"Holy fucking shit, the Super Bowl is coming to Indy in 10 days!," Ballard is quoted as saying. "I just... I can't believe it's fucking happening. I get to be on TV and everything!"

Meanwhile, Ballard, who was instrumental in bringing the event to Indianapolis, says he "cannot believe how quickly it's come round and, oh man, I'm totally fucking pumped for this."

Image credit: Fair use.

Super Bowl XLVI Set to Transform Indianapolis into One of Nation's Top Terrorist Attractions

INDIANAPOLIS - If past NFL showpieces are anything to go by, Superbowl XLVI could have a knock-on effect that will see the host city of Indianapolis temporarily become one of America's most sought after terrorist attractions.

The Super Bowl, which is thought to attract dozens of terrorists each year, will take place in Indiana's capital for the first time since the competition began in 1967 - a landmark event that is likely to draw in terrorists from all across the country.

"Indiana hasn't ever really been what you'd call a terrorist hotspot," said Super Bowl volunteer, Brett Kinney. "But I think the city has done a fine job of preparing itself for the large terrorism boom we all expect to see. You just gotta take a look at all the new fancy hotels and roadsides we got going on here. It's a terrorist's dream."

Indianapolis officials said the city will be ready ahead of time, anticipating an early influx of terrorists, who typically come a few days in advance to "check out all the discrete locations" in and around the stadium.  

Meanwhile, some Hoosiers fear that the Super Bowl could have a detrimental effect on the city of Indianapolis, with many concerned that the downtown area could become something of a terrorist trap during Super Bowl Sunday.

 Image credit: Fair use.

Westside Strip Club Owner Braces for NBA Season

INDIANAPOLIS - The end of the contentious NBA Lockout of 2011 and the start of the regular season this Christmas has many fans breathing a sigh of relief and looking forward to a new season of thrills, spills, hoops, and alley-oops.

But for Dave Pelker, owner of Weasel’s on the Westside of Indianapolis, the prospect of another NBA season provokes quite a different response.

“We now live in constant fear for our lives,” said Pelker, 47, who has operated Weasel’s Gentlemen’s Club for 14 terrifying basketball seasons. “When it was announced the season was going to go ahead and happen, it was like a cloud of doom fell down on top of the club. Some of our best dancers broke down in tears right then and there, which screwed up their make-up a lot.”

Since 2006, Pelker’s venue has been plagued with numerous incidents of criminal activity ranging from disorderly conduct to assault to manslaughter, many of which have involved NBA players and, in particular, members of the Indiana Pacers.

“If you had asked me ten years ago what could tarnish the reputation of an establishment like Weasel’s, I never would have guessed it would be the NBA,” said Pelker.

“Sure, we all have to deal with allegations of prostitution and drug dealing, but that’s just the price of doing business,” he added. “The problem is, on any game-night there’s shootings, stabbings, and beatdowns. I’m no basketball fan, obviously, but I think that’s called a triple-double.”

Despite the feeling of dread as the season approaches, however, Pelker is impressed at how the artistic spirit lives on.

“Some of the girls have incorporated bullet-proof vests and catcher’s masks into their acts, and I admire that kind of resourcefulness. It’s both brave and sexy.”

“It’s not just the girls either,” continued Pelker. “DJ Frank Da Stank is incorporating more up-tempo stuff into the sets, so the girls move faster. After all, a moving target is harder to hit.”

Image credit: Flickr. Thomas Hawk. Creative commons.

Mean Colts Getting Fans' Hopes Up Again

INDIANAPOLIS - In what was arguably designed as a mean prank yesterday, the Indianapolis Colts conspired to build up the hopes of millions of Hoosiers by recording their first victory of the season against the Tennessee Titans.

Avoiding a 14th successive defeat Sunday, the Colts - known for cruelly convincing fans that further impending success always lies ahead - roused the 50,000 in attendance with a spitefully deceiving performance and post-game lap of honor.

The Colts' 27-13 victory against the playoff-chasing Titans was met with jubilation from naive fans, who remain utterly unaware that their evil heroes have already laid out plans to continue the horrible slump in form, beginning this Friday against the Texas Rangers.

"Today's victory will lull our fans into a false sense of security once more," said mean-spirited head coach Jim Caldwell. "For the next five days people from all across the state are going to be walking around with a real spring in their step after Sunday's result. But that all ends again on the 23rd. Merry Christmas, bitches."

The news comes after star quarterback Peyton Manning - who has been sidelined through injury the entire season - teased fans by hinting at a possible return to action early next year.

"You have to give Hoosiers something to cheer about once in a while," said Manning. "That way it's so much easier to crush their dreams when the right opportunity presents itself."

Image credit: fair use.

Indianapolis Convention and Visitors Association Video Ties Indianapolis Colts

A music video that was produced by the Indianapolis Convention and Visitors Association, lost on Tuesday, November 29, officially tying the Indianapolis Colts' current season record of no wins, all losses. The video, entitled "Indy Super Bowl Shuffle," parodies a nearly thirty year-old music video and song by the Chicago Bears, and features a cast of local hotel employees lip-syncing and dancing in an attempt to depict Indianapolis as a "fun," "cosmopolitan," and "world-class" destination.

The passionately scorned video premiered on Youtube late in the afternoon, and was removed by its creators at 9:30pm that same evening, which is roughly the amount of time it has taken the Indianapolis Colts to lose each of their games this season.

"Everyone in the Indianapolis Shufflin’ Crew was confident the video would serve as both a rallying cry for Indianapolis tourism and our team," said Rob Jefferson, spokesperson for the ICVA. "Given our city's current reputation and the Colt's losing streak, the stakes were very high, so we took inspiration from an episode of 'Growing Pains,’ which is a show we agreed we all love and kind of remember. We thought about that one time Alan Thicke’s character faced a similar challenge, and just went for it.”

ICVA officials cited a flurry of online responses marked by near-psychotic levels contempt and ridicule as its reason for removing the video. Such responses, which characterized the video as "sloppy," "hopelessly amateur," "pathetic," and an "irrecoverable blemish on any semblance of a reputation beyond a troglodytic backwater Indianapolis would aspire to have," bore a striking resemblance to general consensus on the Colt's season-long performance this season.

“Unfortunately, now we, and by extension every single person who lives, has lived, or visited Indianapolis looks more like the Boner from that one episode of ‘Growing Pains,’” added Jefferson. “Or like the Colts. We probably should have gone with our runner-up idea."

The runner-up idea in question was "Like a Superbowl Virgin," a parody of the song "Like a Virgin" by Madonna, who is slated to perform at the half-time show of the 2012 Super Bowl. Officials with the ICVA had gone as far as to volunteer Westin Director of Housekeeping Operations Gwen Carbingle, 61, to portray the Madonna in the video. “If you see Gwen,” said Jefferson, “you’d know she’s a real ‘Material Girl.’”

However, the idea was ultimately rejected on the grounds of being "too soon."

Image credit: fair use.

American Team Wins World Series

ST. LOUIS - The St. Louis Cardinals made history Friday when they became the 104th American team to win the World Series.

With their 6-2 victory over the Texas Rangers in game 7, The Cardinals extended the United States' formidable record in the competition, which has only twice been won by a non-American club when the Toronto Blue Jays recorded back-to-back victories in 1992 and 1993.

"It's just a fantastic feeling," said Cardinals' coach Tony La Russa. "To continue the legacy of this great country, which has produced winning team after winning team for over a century, it is truly an honor I will feel for the rest of my life. God bless America."

The Series, which pits the winner of The American League vs. the winner of The National League, was precedented in that it was contested between not one, but two American teams, with not a single non-American team even coming close.

The dominance of American clubs throughout World Series history has continued to stir debate between sporting fans and disgruntled foreign nationals as to the competition's validity as a "world sport."

Image credit: fair use.

Mayor Ballard Quietly Abandons Photo Op with Colts Quarterback Kerry Collins

INDIANAPOLIS - An anonymous source close to the office of Indianapolis Mayor Greg Ballard has revealed that due to recent events, a planned public appearance with Indianapolis Colts inactive quarterback Kerry Collins has been postponed indefinitely.

“At the beginning of the season, it seemed right to schedule a photo op with the new face of the team,” the source said. “Now, not so much. I think the Mayor became worried that given the current popularity of the Colts, being seen with the least-respected player on the team might actually harm his chances.”

Collins was a pre-season pickup for the Colts to replace the injured Peyton Manning. After playing three games, Collins was injured in the Week 3 loss to the Houston Texans and placed on the inactive list.

When asked for an official comment, Ballard’s Chief-of-Staff Chris Cotterill would not confirm or deny the report.

“Obviously the Mayor is a huge Colts fan, and like all of us he was disappointed by Collins’s performance,” he said. “If there was a planned appearance, obviously the Mayor wouldn’t cancel it just because of his personal feelings or just because Collins had those three fumbles in his three starts. Whether or not Kerry Collins is an absolutely terrible quarterback is not a factor in any of the Mayor’s scheduling considerations.”

However, according to the anonymous source, that is exactly what happened.

“Yeah, he hates Kerry Collins,” she said. “No question. I mean, how can we go from Peyton Manning to that?”

The source went on to say that Ballard will seek to schedule an appearance with a more high-profile player in the coming weeks.

“I think he’s hoping to get a photo op with someone who really captures the spirit of the team and of the city. Maybe someone like Pat McAfee.”

McAfee is the Colts punter and current favorite for team MVP.

Peyton Manning: 'Screw It, I'm Playing'

INDIANAPOLIS - Following the Colts' sixth straight defeat of the season to the Cincinnati Bengals this past Sunday, star quarterback Peyton Manning has told fans: "screw this neck brace, I'm ready to play some football."

Manning, who recently underwent neck surgery for a 5-month-old injury, was forced to endure the 27-17 loss from the stands. After the fourth-quarter, Manning boldly insisted: "I just can't take it any more."

"I don't care what the doctor says," said the 35-year-old. "As soon as week seven hits, I'm getting back on that field and I'm getting it done myself!"

To the bewilderment of other members of the Colts' roster, Manning entered the locker room following Sunday's defeat and declared: "All right, guys! New target date for my return: October 23rd. This Sunday. Against The Saints. Enough is enough."

Despite numerous objections from team members and his family, a pumped up Manning insisted that “even an injured Peyton Manning is a game-changer. I’m not going to wither away in the stands while everyone else drops the ball.”

"Look, guys; the way I see it, we've lost six in a row this season. This would never have happened if I'd been on the field this whole time. You know it, and I know it.”

Though the NFL has strict rules against players taking the field in a semi-crippled condition, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suggested that there may be some wiggle room on the issue.

“Of course our number one priority is player safety. Period.” He said. “But our number two priority is revenue stream. No one is watching the game in our 2012 Superbowl City, and we can’t have that.”

A determined Manning reported for training on Monday, where he signed autographs for hundreds of newly inspired fans. When asked whether or not he would actually play Manning, Head Coach Jim Caldwell responded meekly, “Well, it is Peyton. I’m only his coach. This one is out of my hands.”

Crash Kills IndyCar Racer, Leaves Car in Critical Condition

LAS VEGAS - The world of racing is left to reflect after a multiple-car crash in Las Vegas killed famed driver Dan Wheldon and left his racing vehicle in a "serious condition." 

The accident involved 15 other drivers, whose vehicles are said to be in stable conditions. 

Former 2-time Indy 500 winner Wheldon was later pronounced dead in hospital, while his racing car is fighting for its life after suffering multiple injuries, including 3 ruptured tires, a dislocated steering wheel and a damaged suspension. IndyCar servicemen have transported it to an engineering plant, where its progress is "being monitored". 

"The car is undergoing intensive treatment at this time", said mechanic David Ward. "We are preparing to perform a battery transplant as well as a crucial operation on its engine to reduce internal petrol loss". 

Members of the Bryan Herta Autosport team, to whom Wheldon was signed, have chosen to stay by the vehicle's side, while the team's distraught sponsors have been told to prepare for the possibility that the car may never fully recover from its horrific injuries. 


In the event of its death, the car is expected to be buried at a local scrap yard before returning to life 2 years later in the form of a BMW 760li.

Image credit: fair use.

Report: 82% of Hoosiers Support Idea of Same-Sex Sports Teams

BLOOMINGTON - A report carried out by the University of Indiana has found that nearly 83% of people living in the Hoosier state support the idea of same-sex sports teams.

According to the findings, which comprise six months of archival sports footage and interviews with sports enthusiasts, a diverse portion of Hoosiers - including hundreds of thousands of conservative Christians - are completely fine with the idea of 11 muscular men all charging their sweat-filled bodies into each other.

"Not only are most Hoosiers comfortable with watching 3 guys grapple over a football, but any physical contact between such men is usually met with boisterous cheering from people watching at home," said IU researcher, Don Kazan.

According to the figures, the favored sport among Hoosiers is football - a game that involves as many as 45 male athletes running around in tight pants, grabbing the legs, arms and chests of their equally male opponents.

"This is not just a bizarre phenomenon that is being seen in Indiana; people everywhere - from Maine to Alabama - have expressed tolerance of graphic images depicting sports stars hugging each other after a passionate, hard-earned victory."

Meanwhile, the report also indicated that 68% of all parents across Indiana are "okay" with watching their own kids grappling with members of the same sex in a knock-down-drag-out game of soccer.  

Image credit: fair use.

COMPETITION: Become The Tribune's Official Sports Writer

Are you one of those armchair commentators who throws spaghetti at the TV every time your team loses? Then you might just be the perfect candidate to become the official Sports writer for The Indy Tribune.

The Indy Tribune (TIT) is looking for an experienced and dedicated writer with a wide interest in sports - including baseball, basketball and football - to compose and publish various articles on both Indy-based and national sports, with a view to satirizing the crap out of the Super Bowl. The role will involve publishing at least one article per week, with further opportunities presenting themselves during special sporting events. Other duties include and are probably limited to:

1. Promoting articles through social media. 

Publishing sports articles for TIT will ensure that your writing reaches the front pages of Indiana's 119th most trusted newspaper, which enjoys thousands of visits a day (on good days!) While the position is unpaid, writing for and heading up our Sports section will be a great opportunity to showcase your knack for extremely comedic writing and there's nothing like seeing all those Facebook Likes beneath your work!

HOW TO ENTER
To enter the competition for a chance to become our official Sports writer, simply email 3 sample sports stories to editor@theindytribune.com. The winner will be selected by a panel of judges after all entries are received. The deadline for your entries will be 5pm on Friday, December 2, 2011.

To gain an understanding of exactly what we're looking for, take a look at the following articles:

American Team Wins World Series
Report: 82% of Hoosiers Support Idea of Same-sex Sports Teams
 
Be sure that each of your submissions includes the following pieces of information.

1. A headline: this should be the first thing you think of and should be cutting and witty.
2. Body of article: should be at least 150 words with clear and consistent beginning, middle and end.

To keep up-to-date on the status of the competition, Like our Facebook Profile.

Thanks, and good luck!