Barack Obama Celebrates Landslide Victory in Democratic Iowa Caucus

DES MOINES, IA - In what was truly a night of surprises, incumbent president Barack Obama claimed a landslide victory in the Democratic Party caucus in Iowa tonight.

As precincts reported 51% of all ballots, the president had already taken a staggering 100% of the vote and was subsequently declared the outright winner of the caucus.

While not always a true representation of how the Democratic race for the White House will unfold, victory in Iowa is largely seen as a stepping stone to other primaries and caucuses, with Obama now expecting to win in New Hampshire.

"My campaign has been given the dream start," said Obama in a passionate victory speech this evening. "We concentrated our efforts here in Iowa and the Iowan people have sent out a clear message to my Democratic rivals; that they want me - Barack Obama - to challenge the Republicans for the White House."

Obama's victory in Iowa is being viewed as particularly surprising among analysts in light of the number of attack ads approved by Republican candidates over the past two months.

However, Obama attributed his victory to the "strong positive message" of his campaign, insisting: "I'm not here to talk down fellow Democrats or attack the other party; I'm here to do what's right for America. That's why Iowans voted for me tonight."

Image credit: Sage Ross. Creative commons.

Mean Colts Getting Fans' Hopes Up Again

INDIANAPOLIS - In what was arguably designed as a mean prank yesterday, the Indianapolis Colts conspired to build up the hopes of millions of Hoosiers by recording their first victory of the season against the Tennessee Titans.

Avoiding a 14th successive defeat Sunday, the Colts - known for cruelly convincing fans that further impending success always lies ahead - roused the 50,000 in attendance with a spitefully deceiving performance and post-game lap of honor.

The Colts' 27-13 victory against the playoff-chasing Titans was met with jubilation from naive fans, who remain utterly unaware that their evil heroes have already laid out plans to continue the horrible slump in form, beginning this Friday against the Texas Rangers.

"Today's victory will lull our fans into a false sense of security once more," said mean-spirited head coach Jim Caldwell. "For the next five days people from all across the state are going to be walking around with a real spring in their step after Sunday's result. But that all ends again on the 23rd. Merry Christmas, bitches."

The news comes after star quarterback Peyton Manning - who has been sidelined through injury the entire season - teased fans by hinting at a possible return to action early next year.

"You have to give Hoosiers something to cheer about once in a while," said Manning. "That way it's so much easier to crush their dreams when the right opportunity presents itself."

Image credit: fair use.

Resilient Christmas Claims Victory in War on Christmas

NORTH POLE - Christmas - the holiday widely regarded as the most wonderful time of the year - today claimed victory in the War on Christmas, after enemy combatants and political correctness brigades surrendered in the early hours of the morning.

Its victory brings to a close 11 years of violent combat, which has seen bureaucrats carry out persistent strategic attacks on the special day in a war that is reported to have bored over two million people since fighting began on December 6, 2000.

"Christmas lovers the world over will forever remember December 14th as a historic day," said Christmas spokesman and overall leader Santa Claus. "We have won the War on Christmas. Those who belittled Christmas by calling it a holiday, Yuletide or Winter Fest have been defeated. December 25 has no place for tyranny and oppression."

It had earlier been hypothesized that the conflict, which many believe was "unconstitutional from the very start", would last for over a hundred years, but those opposed to the war celebrated its conclusion this morning.

"I thought this day would never come," wrote Indiana resident Kylie Peterson on her Facebook wall. "Can't tell you how relieved I am. Now hopefully we can all just get along without trying to rename Christmas."

"Merry Xmas (War is Over)," she concluded. 

Image credit: Flickr. MrDoS. Creative commons.