Victory A Result of Man Shouting 'Go Colts' at TV

INDIANAPOLIS - The Indianapolis Colts secured a hard-earned victory against The Minnesota Vikings on Week 2 of the new NFL season Sunday, attributing their victory to local man Justin Thacker, who persistently yelled "go Colts" at his television screen throughout the 2-hour broadcast.

Initially, it was believed that the impressive victory came about as a result of the team's considerable work ethic, months of pre-season preparation and valiant individual prowess.

However, upon hearing Thacker constructively advise him to "throw the ball already", new Colts quarterback Andrew Luck says he "suddenly became more determined than ever to win this damn match."

"I just don't know how we would have got it done without Mr Thacker," said Luck in a post-game interview. "Feeding off of his mindless passion for the sport was absolutely what sealed the victory for us in the end."

Meanwhile, Colts head coach Chuck Pagano was quick to dismiss reports that Mr Thacker's game-long chanting had also contributed to the Colts' defeat in game 1 to the Chicago Bears.

Local Man Pretty Sure He Has Seen Character Actor in Other Things

INDIANAPOLIS - Sitting down to watch the 2009 film The Young Victoria with his wife Angela, local man Andrew Collins insisted that he definitely recognizes that one character actor from somewhere, but where?

Not quite able to place where in fact the seemingly experienced British actor has cropped up before, Collins proceeded to rattle off other films that he and his wife have seen in the past three months.

"Wait, he wasn't in Gladiator, was he? Ah, no; that was  Derek Jacobi," he said. "Hey, wasn't he in Shawshank?", he continued, before reminding himself that the Shawshank Redemption boasted few, if any, British actors. "My God, what the hell was this guy in, then?"

Spending much of the duration of the movie trying his damnedest to recall who the heck the actor was, Collins allegedly paid little attention to the film's developing plot.

"I know I've seen him somewhere," he continued, during an exhilarating scene depicting the coronation of Queen Victoria. "It's going to kill me if I don't get this."

Despite his inability to remember other works by the actor, Collins refused to comb through the film's closing credits for the guy's name, insisting that he must, for the love of God, try to remember it himself.

"I'd rather die before finding out through some other source," he said. "I have to get this."

Some four hours after the film's conclusion, however, a relieved Collins "suddenly recalled" the actor's name and entire filmography while messing around on imdb.com.

"It was Julian Glover, Angie! You know, Walter Donovan from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. I fucking knew I recognized him."

Alternative Viewpoint #3

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Anti-Poverty Commercial Inspires Local Man to Switch Channels

GREENVILLE - A local man was moved into action today when a televised airing of an appeal for poverty awareness inspired him to "take much-needed action" and flick the channel over to something less depressing. 


Greg Sachs, 47, was apparently waiting for repeats of Matlock to start when his viewing was halted by an emotive, 2-minute commercial for the charity group Catholic Charities USA, who allegedly made repeated calls for Mr. Sachs to part with 'just two dollars a month' throughout the duration of the appeal. 


"I wasn't about to sit back and let this terrible injustice carry on any longer," he said. "I mean there's something horribly wrong with this country when taxpaying citizens cannot just unwind after a hard day at the office without being forced to watch some guilt-trip of an ad. Needless to say, I immediately flicked over to ESPN." 


At approximately 6:15 p.m. Mr Sachs allegedly switched back to WGN to catch the tail end of a "much nicer commercial" about the all new Mazda CX-7, before spending the next 15 minutes mindlessly devouring a collection of "really awesome police chases."


Meanwhile, Mr. Sachs says the experience has inspired him to volunteer on behalf of others who secretly feel some sense of frustration when exposed to the type of ad in question: "Every time I boycott appeals against poverty, breast cancer or child abuse, I like to think I am helping to create a better life for other unfortunate, stressed-out and self-absorbed TV addicts across the country. If everybody just did their little bit everyday, we might eventually be able to do something about unjust cruelty, widespread disease and Third World hunger showing up on our television sets."

Image credit: Flickr. TexasDarkHorse. creative commons.