Brutal, Merciless Shooting Thankfully Not Linked to Terrorism

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NEW YORK, NY - A brutal shooting that left 2 people dead and several wounded outside the Empire State Building this morning is not believed to be linked to terrorism, say relieved news sources.

Even though 11 people were wounded, after the gunman killed a former co-worker with a gunshot to the head, it has been confirmed that no one in the vicinity - including  numerous lucky police officers, residents and tourists - was, at any point, terrorized by the perpetrator.

"The one redeeming factor in this appalling tragedy is that the suspect, Jeffrey Johnson, did not set out to frighten anyone or to spread fear across Manhattan," said New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg. "He just wanted to kill lots of people."

"We are just so thankful that all casualties will still be able to put this relatively easy-going incident behind them and feel safe to walk the streets of New York again."
 
Meanwhile, the New York Police Department has issued a statement advising anyone visiting the corner of Fifth Avenue and West 34th Street "not to be alarmed by the line of police tape surrounding the blood-stained sidewalk this morning."

"It's not anything to get upset about," said NYPD Commissioner, Raymond Kelly. "No bombs were set off. Just go and enjoy this lovely day in Manhattan."

Super Bowl XLVI Set to Transform Indianapolis into One of Nation's Top Terrorist Attractions

INDIANAPOLIS - If past NFL showpieces are anything to go by, Superbowl XLVI could have a knock-on effect that will see the host city of Indianapolis temporarily become one of America's most sought after terrorist attractions.

The Super Bowl, which is thought to attract dozens of terrorists each year, will take place in Indiana's capital for the first time since the competition began in 1967 - a landmark event that is likely to draw in terrorists from all across the country.

"Indiana hasn't ever really been what you'd call a terrorist hotspot," said Super Bowl volunteer, Brett Kinney. "But I think the city has done a fine job of preparing itself for the large terrorism boom we all expect to see. You just gotta take a look at all the new fancy hotels and roadsides we got going on here. It's a terrorist's dream."

Indianapolis officials said the city will be ready ahead of time, anticipating an early influx of terrorists, who typically come a few days in advance to "check out all the discrete locations" in and around the stadium.  

Meanwhile, some Hoosiers fear that the Super Bowl could have a detrimental effect on the city of Indianapolis, with many concerned that the downtown area could become something of a terrorist trap during Super Bowl Sunday.

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