Lance Armstrong's Bicycle Releases Tell-All Biography

PLANO, TX - As questions continue to mount in the doping case against 7-time Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong, the former cyclist's bicycle today released a new tell-all biography, in which it claims to have borne witness to the alleged activities. The book, entitled The Ride to Infamy and which was unveiled in bookshops nationwide Thursday, details a timeline of events in which Mr. Armstrong allegedly partook in performance enhancing activities, including doping. "During the 1999 Tour de France, Lance pedaled the shit out of me," said the bike, in chapter eight of the book. "I knew right there and then that either my master was super human, or something untoward was going on out there." At press time, the bike has not been called in by investigators as a credible witness in the case.

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Toddler Avidly Ruining Around Three Books A Week

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INDIANAPOLIS - Despite the inherent allure of mainstream video games, Marvel action figures and children's television, 3-year-old Nathan LaPlant still manages to find the time to graffiti, on average, three books a week, say the child's parents.

While his older brother Dane is routinely playing soccer in the back yard, little Nathan is said to be more than happy just sitting down with a copy of Spot's Greatest Adventure, a book he has now torn the shit out of seven times.

"It's not often you see Nathan without several pieces of a book in his hand," said the boy's 29-year-old father, Jonathan. "I''d say he avidly wrecks around seven coloring books a month, and maybe five problem solving books. I'm not kidding, Nathan is... he's special."

Even though he rather enjoys the odd Disney movie now and again, the toddler is believed to prefer the book versions of stories like Tarzan, Madagascar and Tangled, if only because the characters are "far more susceptible to merciless, wild scribbling."

"Once he finds a book that he likes, he will not put it down until every last page has been destroyed beyond all recognition," said his mother, Annette. "He's always so excited to see how the book's existence will end."    

Image credit. surlygirl.

Obsessive-Compulsive Book Collector Not Sure Where in Alphabet 2001: A Space Odyssey Should Go

FISHERS - Attempting to alphabetize her book collection, obsessive-compulsive Indiana woman Cassie Vermalen cannot quite decide where exactly Arthur C. Clarke's classic sci-fi novel 2001: A Space Odyssey should go.

Initially placing the novel, which she has read on at least seven separate occasions, immediately after the W-Z titles, Vermalen is now wondering if, in fact, it should go at the beginning.

"Gosh, I really don't know. I even thought about putting it under "T" - as in "Two-Thousand-and-One" - but something about that just didn't sit well with me. On the other hand, Orwell's Nineteen-Eighty-Four is sitting proudly as an "N" title, only because the number is clearly spelled out. I hate this."

"I mean, should I just put it under "S" for "Space"?

Struggling to arrive at a definitive answer, the 31-year-old ponders the idea of storing all books with numbers in the title inside a closet, where guests won't ever be able to pass comment on their awkward alphabetical placement.

"But 2001 is a classic. It needs to be out on the shelf so people can see that I own it."

Also attempting to find a home for 100 Selected Poems by E. E. Cummings and Nick Hornby's 31 Songs, Vermalen concedes that "it might be for the best just to lay them out on the coffee table."

Self Help Author Has Some Great Tips for Letting Go of Your Fears, Money

INDIANAPOLIS - An emerging self help author today outlined his personal pledge to help you let go of both your irrational fears and, in turn, your hard earned money. 

During a motivational speech class in downtown Indianapolis today, Miles Thomas - a self help guru and certified psychologist of 7 years - reported that by paying just $250 per session, you will learn enlightening new ways to live your life free of worry and anxiety. 

"The techniques you will learn about in my book, which is available in all good bookshops for just $22, will open you up to a whole new world of peace, serenity and, well, debt. I would recommend this to anyone who is struggling with low self-esteem and/or anyone who has trouble holding onto their money." 

In his book, Thomas makes constant reference to his self help DVD, and strongly advises that you - with your terrible self image - go out and purchase it for another $19.99. 

"You needn't suffer from guilt or anxiety anymore," he continued. "Just pick up the phone and give my office a call today. Wireless surcharges may apply."

Image credit: ToddonFlickr. Creative commons.

'Book Better Than Film' Says Guy Who Wants You to Know He Reads Books

MUNCIE - In a disguised attempt to let you know that he is exceptionally well-read, an acquaintance today informed you that the latest Hollywood blockbuster you are planning to view this weekend is no way near as good as the book upon which it is based. 

During a painstaking 12-minute critique, the pompous little turd proceeded to describe how and why the film's take on the story "lacked the emotional depth" of the original novel, which, in case you didn't hear the first time, he has read about twenty times. 

"The book has more of a human touch to it, and you really feel for the main protagonist," insisted the pretentious and wholly unlikeable cretin. "Whereas the film relies too heavily on CGI and studio-dictated editing. If you're going to watch the film, at least read the book first." 

Despite stating your belief that movie-going is a completely different experience from reading and, therefore, cannot be compared, the insufferable and smug-faced prick just wouldn't shut up about how the film's producers cut key portions from the original narrative. 

"The bit where the supporting character becomes implicated in a vast conspiracy is absolutely essential to the plot," he insisted. "The film was just a formulaic and senseless yarn without it."

"And what really got me was the way all of the main characters ended up living happily ever after instead of having their fate left open-ended," he continued, essentially giving away the ending of the film. "No, in my experience, the book is nearly always better than the film." 

In a desperate effort to avoid prolonging the conversation, you wisely opt not to mention your appreciation of the Harry Potter movies.

Image credit: Jack Zalium. Creative commons.