Showing posts with label Colts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Colts. Show all posts

Obituary - Daniel Walters

Doug Powers | Tuesday, October 30, 2012 | | | Best Blogger Tips
Daniel P. Walters, 10, died October 29 at Riley Hospital. As a ceremonial opening of Colts quarterback Andrew Luck's new partnership with the hospital, Walters' doctors encouraged Luck to perform the youth's kidney transplant surgery. When Luck cut Walters' ureter with a large novelty scalpel before the assembled press and dignitaries, the boy went into cardiac arrest from which Luck was unable to revive him. A shaken Luck said later, "I thought I was just going to be talking about getting kids to exercise and eat right. I'm not a surgeon! I kept trying to tell them I didn't want to do this, but they just said no, do it, it'll be cool." James Walters, Daniel's father, reflected, "I'm just glad Andrew is better on the field than he is in the operating room. He's a rookie, you've got to expect some mistakes." Pausing, the elder Walters added, "But I bet Peyton [Manning] could have got my boy his new kidney."


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Obituary - William Carter

Doug Powers | Monday, October 22, 2012 | | | Best Blogger Tips
Well-informed and helpful neighbor William J. Carter, 38, died October 21 in the Greenwood Buffalo Wild Wings. Carter, who was at the restaurant to watch the Colts - Browns game, was beaten to death by an angry mob of his fellow patrons. Carter's co-worker Phil Robinson, who was with Carter, reported, "William--yeah, not 'Bill' or 'Will;' he insisted on 'William'--was like that Cliff guy on Cheers: always had some obscure fact or inane comment. I invited him to come watch the game because he didn't have many friends--imagine that--and I felt sorry for the guy. I told him to keep it down with the comments, but I guess he just couldn't help himself." According to multiple witnesses, Carter's last words were, "You know, in the rest of the world, 'football' is . . . "

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Obituary - Steven Jablonski

Doug Powers | Monday, October 08, 2012 | | Best Blogger Tips
Steven P. "Steve-O" Jablonski, 35, died October 7 during the Colts game against the Green Bay Packers when his repeated shouts at the array of televisions at the Blue Crew Sports Grill of "C'mon, Ref, you're killin' me!" proved to be prophetic. 

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Andrew Luck Relishing Challenge of Outgrowing The Colts

Laurence Brown | Sunday, September 23, 2012 | | | Best Blogger Tips

INDIANAPOLIS - Speaking ahead of today's game against the Jacksonville Jaguars, prospective new quarterback Andrew Luck insisted he is really enjoying the challenge of following in the footsteps of Peyton Manning and to one day outgrow The Indianapolis Colts.

Saying that he hopes to "fully develop his game" under coach Chuck Pagano so that he can make a big-money move away to "someone like The New York Giants" later on down the road, Luck invited NFL scouts to "come and see me play."

"Everyone on the Colts' roster has really helped me settle in well," said Luck, glancing over the website of the San Francisco 49ers. "This kind of team support can only help me raise my game and eventually secure a multi-million dollar contract with a really kick-ass team in a few years."

Asked what he thought about the comparisons made between himself and Colts legend and current Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, Luck said there were more similarities between the two than just the position they play, adding: "Peyton achieved what I hope to achieve with The Colts: interest from another team."

As he sets his sights on a second straight victory today, Luck says he will have one eye on the game 4 showdown with The Greenbay Packers, hoping that the Wisconsin team's management and coaching staff "really get to see what I can do."

Victory A Result of Man Shouting 'Go Colts' at TV

Laurence Brown | Sunday, September 16, 2012 | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - The Indianapolis Colts secured a hard-earned victory against The Minnesota Vikings on Week 2 of the new NFL season Sunday, attributing their victory to local man Justin Thacker, who persistently yelled "go Colts" at his television screen throughout the 2-hour broadcast.

Initially, it was believed that the impressive victory came about as a result of the team's considerable work ethic, months of pre-season preparation and valiant individual prowess.

However, upon hearing Thacker constructively advise him to "throw the ball already", new Colts quarterback Andrew Luck says he "suddenly became more determined than ever to win this damn match."

"I just don't know how we would have got it done without Mr Thacker," said Luck in a post-game interview. "Feeding off of his mindless passion for the sport was absolutely what sealed the victory for us in the end."

Meanwhile, Colts head coach Chuck Pagano was quick to dismiss reports that Mr Thacker's game-long chanting had also contributed to the Colts' defeat in game 1 to the Chicago Bears.

Mean Colts Getting Fans' Hopes Up Again

Laurence Brown | Sunday, December 18, 2011 | | | | Best Blogger Tips
INDIANAPOLIS - In what was arguably designed as a mean prank yesterday, the Indianapolis Colts conspired to build up the hopes of millions of Hoosiers by recording their first victory of the season against the Tennessee Titans.

Avoiding a 14th successive defeat Sunday, the Colts - known for cruelly convincing fans that further impending success always lies ahead - roused the 50,000 in attendance with a spitefully deceiving performance and post-game lap of honor.

The Colts' 27-13 victory against the playoff-chasing Titans was met with jubilation from naive fans, who remain utterly unaware that their evil heroes have already laid out plans to continue the horrible slump in form, beginning this Friday against the Texas Rangers.

"Today's victory will lull our fans into a false sense of security once more," said mean-spirited head coach Jim Caldwell. "For the next five days people from all across the state are going to be walking around with a real spring in their step after Sunday's result. But that all ends again on the 23rd. Merry Christmas, bitches."

The news comes after star quarterback Peyton Manning - who has been sidelined through injury the entire season - teased fans by hinting at a possible return to action early next year.

"You have to give Hoosiers something to cheer about once in a while," said Manning. "That way it's so much easier to crush their dreams when the right opportunity presents itself."

Image credit: fair use.

Indianapolis Convention and Visitors Association Video Ties Indianapolis Colts

Chip Randell | Friday, December 16, 2011 | | | Best Blogger Tips

A music video that was produced by the Indianapolis Convention and Visitors Association, lost on Tuesday, November 29, officially tying the Indianapolis Colts' current season record of no wins, all losses. The video, entitled "Indy Super Bowl Shuffle," parodies a nearly thirty year-old music video and song by the Chicago Bears, and features a cast of local hotel employees lip-syncing and dancing in an attempt to depict Indianapolis as a "fun," "cosmopolitan," and "world-class" destination.

The passionately scorned video premiered on Youtube late in the afternoon, and was removed by its creators at 9:30pm that same evening, which is roughly the amount of time it has taken the Indianapolis Colts to lose each of their games this season.

"Everyone in the Indianapolis Shufflin’ Crew was confident the video would serve as both a rallying cry for Indianapolis tourism and our team," said Rob Jefferson, spokesperson for the ICVA. "Given our city's current reputation and the Colt's losing streak, the stakes were very high, so we took inspiration from an episode of 'Growing Pains,’ which is a show we agreed we all love and kind of remember. We thought about that one time Alan Thicke’s character faced a similar challenge, and just went for it.”

ICVA officials cited a flurry of online responses marked by near-psychotic levels contempt and ridicule as its reason for removing the video. Such responses, which characterized the video as "sloppy," "hopelessly amateur," "pathetic," and an "irrecoverable blemish on any semblance of a reputation beyond a troglodytic backwater Indianapolis would aspire to have," bore a striking resemblance to general consensus on the Colt's season-long performance this season.

“Unfortunately, now we, and by extension every single person who lives, has lived, or visited Indianapolis looks more like the Boner from that one episode of ‘Growing Pains,’” added Jefferson. “Or like the Colts. We probably should have gone with our runner-up idea."

The runner-up idea in question was "Like a Superbowl Virgin," a parody of the song "Like a Virgin" by Madonna, who is slated to perform at the half-time show of the 2012 Super Bowl. Officials with the ICVA had gone as far as to volunteer Westin Director of Housekeeping Operations Gwen Carbingle, 61, to portray the Madonna in the video. “If you see Gwen,” said Jefferson, “you’d know she’s a real ‘Material Girl.’”

However, the idea was ultimately rejected on the grounds of being "too soon."

Image credit: fair use.

Peyton Manning: 'Screw It, I'm Playing'

Laurence Brown | Monday, October 17, 2011 | | | | | Best Blogger Tips

INDIANAPOLIS - Following the Colts' sixth straight defeat of the season to the Cincinnati Bengals this past Sunday, star quarterback Peyton Manning has told fans: "screw this neck brace, I'm ready to play some football."

Manning, who recently underwent neck surgery for a 5-month-old injury, was forced to endure the 27-17 loss from the stands. After the fourth-quarter, Manning boldly insisted: "I just can't take it any more."

"I don't care what the doctor says," said the 35-year-old. "As soon as week seven hits, I'm getting back on that field and I'm getting it done myself!"

To the bewilderment of other members of the Colts' roster, Manning entered the locker room following Sunday's defeat and declared: "All right, guys! New target date for my return: October 23rd. This Sunday. Against The Saints. Enough is enough."

Despite numerous objections from team members and his family, a pumped up Manning insisted that “even an injured Peyton Manning is a game-changer. I’m not going to wither away in the stands while everyone else drops the ball.”

"Look, guys; the way I see it, we've lost six in a row this season. This would never have happened if I'd been on the field this whole time. You know it, and I know it.”

Though the NFL has strict rules against players taking the field in a semi-crippled condition, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suggested that there may be some wiggle room on the issue.

“Of course our number one priority is player safety. Period.” He said. “But our number two priority is revenue stream. No one is watching the game in our 2012 Superbowl City, and we can’t have that.”

A determined Manning reported for training on Monday, where he signed autographs for hundreds of newly inspired fans. When asked whether or not he would actually play Manning, Head Coach Jim Caldwell responded meekly, “Well, it is Peyton. I’m only his coach. This one is out of my hands.”