Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings

WASHINGTON D.C. - Speaking amid right-wing concerns that the United States is slowly becoming a socialist nation, Jesus Christ insisted Thursday that he just sort of assumed that members of the Republican Party - which comprises some of his most ardent followers -  knew about his own socialist leanings.

The Son of God has kept relatively quiet during the Republican presidential primaries, which has seen candidates hurl vitriolic attacks against President Obama for "socializing the United States of America."

However, the latest statements made by presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, who accused Obama of left-wing radicalism Wednesday, have prompted Christ to speak out.

"Look, I was under the impression that my stance on political issues was widely known across the American congress," he said. "How much clearer can I be? Did I not famously share the wealth when I fed the five thousand? I thought I was pretty clear about that. And did I not lead a revolution against Roman imperialism. I mean, hello? How much of a clue do you need?"

During the 45-minute rant Thursday, Christ also hit back at critics of President Obama's 2010 Healthcare Reform Bill, which has come under heavy fire from the majority of Republicans since its ratification.

"How many times do I have to say it?" he continued. "When I heal the sick, I don't turn away patients because of pre-existing conditions or because they don't have health insurance. If somebody needs medical care, I give it to them. Period."

"If anything, the president didn't go far enough."

Christ, a former teacher and laborer, was also quick to point out his propensity for forming communes, a word synonymous in Republican circles with communism.

"I just don't know what else to say to these conservatives. Firstly, communism and socialism are two vastly different political systems," he said. "Secondly, if these GOP presidential candidates are such loyal followers of mine and everything I stand for, why are they so opposed to the idea of looking out for one another."

"Did I not, after all, teach the idea of loving each other? Yes, I think that was me."

Image credit: public domain.

Economic Struggle Forces Mary and Joseph to Merge Christ's Birthday, Christmas Presents Into One

BETHLEHEM - Citing financial hardship amid the ongoing global economic downturn, Mary and Joseph - the parents of Jesus Christ - have conceded that they will have to merge their only son's birthday and Christmas presents into one.

After years of making sure that Christ - whose birthday happens to fall on Christmas Day - always gets a least one present for each occasion, the couple insisted that they just cannot afford the extra plunge this year.

"It's going to be difficult to break it to him," said Mary - the child's only biological parent. "But after putting our stable on the market this past November, we honestly have no choice but to put our finances first."

"It's just been a really difficult year. I hope he understands."

Christ, who is well known for preaching forgiveness, will have to put his teachings into practice come Christmas morning when faced with a stocking containing just a copy of the New Testament and an orange.

"Hopefully, if the job situation improves, we'll be able to spoil him a little bit more next year," said Joseph, whose carpentry business has struggled to stay afloat since the recession of 2008. "But he has to understand we cannot just go crazy like we used to. It just wouldn't be fiscally responsible."
   

Image credit: public domain.