"At first, everything was really exciting and people were bringing fresh ideas to the table," said Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell. "But pretty soon we started to realize that some of these candidates were just... well, fucking crazy."
Following the most recent live gaffe by presidential hopeful Rick Perry, McConnell insisted that while he still has enormous respect for the Texas Governor, the "thought of this man ever becoming president is frankly very frightening."
"I know Governor Perry personally and he's done one heck of a job at the state level," continued McConnell. "But, man, the fact that he is just a few million votes away from the presidency is just unimaginable."
"God help us," he concluded.
Meanwhile, Republican leader John Boehner - himself prone to eccentric public outbursts - admitted that, in hindsight, more checks and balances should have been instilled to prevent "just anybody" from running.
"Even at the time, I thought it was pretty whacky that a former pizza mogul was running for the White House," he said, speaking of Herman Cain. "But I just thought, let's see where this goes; the guy might just be what we need to take on the Obama administration. In light of recent events, I realize I was wrong."
Mr Cain, who has been accused by four previous employees of sexual harassment, and who clearly displays an unwillingness to discuss such matters, says he has no plans of quitting his campaign.
"It's just so messed up," continued Boehner. "If Herman Cain was applying for any other position in America he would be turned away immediately. I just... my gosh... what have we done?"
Insisting that the current crop of candidates had somehow managed to achieve the unthinkable and actually make Mitt Romney look pretty good, both Boehner and McConnell reserved special mention for congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, whose own outlandish public comments - such as suggesting that the film The Lion King is turning American children into homosexuals and that Occupy Wall Street protesters are "ignorant and disrespectful" - have been well documented in recent weeks.
"Naturally, having a female in the race gave us an initial edge," continued Boehner. "Michelle Bachmann seemed the perfect answer to Hillary Clinton and a viable alternative to Sarah Palin. But the truth is, she is just one crazy, fucked up woman."
"I really have no idea how we allowed this to happen."
In a government report released last month, meanwhile, it was revealed that the GOP candidates in question were "not nearly as terrifying as the very people who plan to vote for them."
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