Pro-gun Lobby Calls for State-Level Ban On Schools

WASHINGTON D.C. - Almost a month after a gunman claimed the lives of nearly 30 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, members of a pro-gun group have urged states across the nation to pass tough legislation aimed at banning the use of schools.

Chairman of Capital Arms - a firearms advocacy group in Washington D.C. - Todd Bryant insisted Tuesday that "tragedies like Newtown could have been prevented if kids didn't have such easy access to educational buildings."

Obituary - Thomas Plimpton

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Thomas Ray Plimpton, 33, died September 10 at Brunhauser Manufacturing Company of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Plimpton, who had worked at Brunhauser for three years, was fired from the company that morning for repeated incidents of gross incompetence. Plimpton returned to the shop floor two hours later with several firearms. “He told us he was going to kill everyone here,” said shop manager Randy Fullman. “Then he said that to really make his point, he was going to start with himself.” Pausing for a thoughtful moment, Fullman added, “So . . . you can see why we let the guy go.”

God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

INDIANAPOLIS - Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God's emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was "carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that "God told me it was the right thing to do."

"I stand over you all today to protest my innocence in this most recent and appalling tragedy," declared God this morning. "I am not, in any way, affiliated with Mr. Calzone and it is quite clear that the lying shithead carried out the murder all by himself."

"I cannot stress this enough. I had nothing to do with it."

Calzone is set to go on trial on August 24, where he will make the case that he had acted upon the word of God during the July 11 shooting at his family home. Despite these allegations, however, God - who is set to give evidence at the trial - insisted that he had never once been in contact with the suspect.

"I vehemently refute Mr. Calzone's claim that I spoke to him every night prior to this awful tragedy, or that I told him to buy a semi-automatic weapon and offload six rounds into his family," continued the Heavenly Father. "I repeat: I have never corresponded with this awful man. Period."

God insisted that he will do everything in his considerable power to help investigators bring Calzone to justice, stating: "I'm even willing to testify under oath," he concluded. "That is, if the court will permit me to swear on my own Bible."